Just so you know: I live in Scotland, UK.

I was sitting in Mass today and as I listened to the Priest speak and tell the congregation about how Jesus suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane it all slowly but surely came back to me; how on my first and only visit to the temple we were taken to get changed then shifted into the small chapel where we all waited and listened as the temple worker told us of the rules, as we prayed and sung a hymn. The temple was beautiful and even for a convert, nothing seemed strange. I agreed with baptisms for the dead and I felt proud of myself as I was pushed beneath the water to do my 10-15 baptisms a day and then go onto do the confirmations. The priestholders hugged me and told me that I had saved lives. I was, without doubt, estatic. Now I realize that visiting the temple was the beginning of the end. The temple trip, for me, was one of lonliness and anxiety.

You should know, I had just turned 16 (I am now about to turn 17) and I had no real support. I was brought up in a family of Catholics, attended a Catholic primary school but I was never baptized, as my mother was Prodestant and unable to put the effort into converting as she run a chain of businesses and then fell very ill and still is now. So let me take you back to the start, when the nightmare took it's first stages and when I was first dragged in, partyly against my will. On the January of 2011 I began getting close to a boy. He went on to become my first proper boyfriend and we were solid. He was lovely, but I had suffered with anxiety for years and my problems were too much for him. I don't blame him. I'm far better now, but he had dreams of becoming famous in music and me in a law career. We lived in different worlds. My confidence dropped even further as for the 2 years prior I had been taken out of school due to frequent panic attacks and for a short stage of time, hallucinations. I wasn't well and I was pushing my family over the edge with my frequent outbursts. Then one night it got too much for my parents and we had a massive fallout. I packed my bags and got on a bus to stay with my aunt for a couple of days. I hadn't visited my aunt in months as she was a very depressing person with her problems of obeseity and her constant needs to make me feel inferior because she had achieved very little with her life. As I entered her house, I felt the familiar depression which came each time I visited. I took my clothes upstairs and sat silently on the sofa beside her before she asked me what happened. We spoke for hours and I felt at peace for the first time in a while. She then went on to tell me that Elders of her church were visiting the next day and I could go out if I wished. I considered going to the gym to run some energy off but I made the crucial mistake of trying to please her and joining her religious session. When the Elders arrived I was shocked. They were young and good-looking and the tallest of the two - a very cheery English elder made eyecontact with me. I fell in 'love' there and then.

The lessons took place over a week and by the end of the week I took the decision to be baptised. Of course I didn't know what I was getting into. I was 15 and vulnerable. But they promised me happiness and peace and I took it. I prayed and asked if the BoM was true. I asked 7 times and felt the same feeling each time; a strange tingly feeling. I decided that it was true and told the Elders about my experience. They were estatic. My parents weren't pleased but after some slow convincing they agreed, hoping that my mental state would get better with the help of a religion.

My first reluctance came after my baptism. My brother and his girlfriend bought me a small cross necklace as a present, unknowing that it was not allowed with the LDS church. I decided to wear it anyway and took it off when the missionaries visited and when I attended church and church events. It was a familair thing to me, having been brought up a Catholic and I saw no trouble with it. It wasn't a crucifix, just a small cross. That evening I decided that I did not want to be confirmed. I missed Mass and I wanted to return after years of inactivity. I wanted to please my family and I felt this whole mormon thing was getting a little strange. My aunt was disappointed in me and placed immense pressure on me to change my mind. She went to bed early and I told her I no loger wished to meet with the missionaries. I wandered up the stairs to get changed for bed and I heard her on the phone:

"Yes. She's drifting. I'm thinking it is Satan getting a good grip of her. Why did you have to baptize her on a Sunday, leaving a whole week for her to drift away?! Tomorrow? Yes, I'll wake her early. 10? That's fine, see you then."

I remember being frightened. I no longer wanted to do this anymore. It was 9pm. I decided I would go home. So hurriedly and silently I packed my bag, scrambled for my purse and put my bible and BoM in my bag. I don't know why I did. I guess I subcontiously wanted to give them another chance, but alone without the pressure. From there, I grabbed my coat, unlocked the door and hurried out. I heard my aunt calling behind me and quite lierally bolted down the stairs and towards the bus station which was 5 minutes away. The bus left in 10 minutes and I called my dad, telling him I was returning home. I paced back and forth the bus station and the bus finally pulled in but the drivers needed to change so I seated myself, plugged my earphones in and waited. I remember glancing through the window where my aunt, very slowly, made way towards me. The tears came as I begged "I don't want to do this." She pretended to be understanding and I hugged her before hurrying on the bus. I made way upstairs and the bus remained at a halt for 5 minutes. I glanced out the window, down at my aunt who was waving towards me as if something was wrong. I got off the bus and she told me that she felt something was wrong. The bus was late in leaving and she didn't feel comfortable with me getting such a late bus at a young age. So I followed her back to the house and we watched films. I was reassured there was no mention of religion and then we went to bed.

The next morning I was called down and I recieved a strained lesson from the missionaries who told me that I felt spiritually weak because I was mentally weak. (How rude!)

The lessons went on, everyday for that week. They did not want to lose me, apparently. Then one evening I got the bus to my aunts and recieved a lesson. One missionary (the English one) was crying. I went into the kitchen and asked him what was wrong. 3 very bad things had happened to him and his family, one being that his girlfriend had emailed him and left him for his friend. "Sioned." He told me, red-eyed, gazing directly into my eyes. "The only thing that's keeping me going is the thought of you getting confirmed and recieving the Holy Ghost." So I did out of guilt. He confirmed he and I stared at the joy in his eyes. I was falling for him as each day went on.

He called me every night to check how I was and tell me about his day and about scripture. The calls stopped after a while and I felt abandoned. But I still continued to go to church, if anything, just to see him. I also enjoyed the spiritulness of it and I began to develop a testimony. Then one evening the house phone rang. It was nearing 10pm and I recall my mum calling down from her bed, asking who it was. "Just a friend, Mum!" I called back. He laughed down the phone. He had called me to tell me he they had been given a new car. We spoke for ages and something strange happened at the end of the conversation. "Love you Sioned!" He called and hung up immediately. My heart thudded and from then on the phonecalls were frequent. At least 3 times he got me to call him back and then the night before he left we spoke for the best part of 3 hours (out of my minutes of course) and he told me about his life before going on to tell me that I knew him better than anyone. I had falen hook, line and sinker. The day he left a baptism was on and he begged me to go. My mother didn't want me to as I had school the day after and I didn't particularly want to either. The church was two hours away and the bus was long and I would arrive home at 11pm. Saying goodbye to his face would be worse. But he called at least 5 times and I decided I should. After the baptism he made a small heart shape with his hands and said; "Save the best til last." He then took me into the sacrament room which was empty and hugged me hard for a while before a door went and we literally jumped apart. Someone had fallen into the door but did not come in. Dragging a sigh of relief, he pulled his card out, drew a heart on the back and signed it. "Write to me and I'll call you." He promised. "We wont lose touch." As my friend and I walked down to the bustation I was near to tears. He was gone and I was alone.

My aunts friend had inappropriately touched me the year before in NewYork. That is a whole different story and my mother had forbidden me to speak to my aunt. Luckily I befriended a family in the ward and often stayed with them. It all went down hill and I hung on for 8 months with frequent and then less frequent phonecalls from my missionary. Towards the end I took up smoking to get rid of the pain and constant anxiety. Then I left for good. My best friend and I had fallen out and she no longer went to church.

The mormons of my ward quite literally harassed me. Phonecalls, facebook messages, texts and even a letter damning me to hell. I had my name removed from the rolls to my families relief and the mormons continued to invite me to events until I posted a strong-worded status on facebook a couple of days ago and they argued with me on facebook, saying I had given their religion a bad name. Then they backed off. I still love and miss my missionary. I know I'm only 16, but it hurts a lot. Maybe not as much anymore. I haven't spoken to him since new year. I miss his voice, his laugh, his eyes. But I'd never return there. I experienced too much sadness and emptiness. They treated me like rubbish and our bishop slid the fact that I had been inappropriately touched by a 60yr old woman who was now a member under the carpet. I often wonder if the BoM is true, if what they are doing is right but I know deep inside none of it is. I'm slowly moving on and my life is improving tenfold. I will always love my missionary but his girlfriend recently wrote to him and told him she still loves him. Of course he still loves her too. I did tell him I had feelings for him. i sent him a text and he called back the next day. I lied and said that I was just trying to distance myself because I didn't want to get him into trouble. H e made a joke of it and asked if it was because he was so good-looking. I wonder is he likes me too, because if he doesn't, he would have just said (I assume) instead of making an insappropriate joke. I asked to not speak of it againa nd he agreed.

I just wish that he had never lead me on to that. I guess that's what they're trained and told to do. Even if he was genuine and felt something, it would never work because I will never be a Mormon ever again. Mornon no more.

You're not the first girl to fall under the spell of a good-looking, charming missionary. The good news is that you are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. You will fall for someone again and you will wonder what you ever saw in your missionary.

Wow, the members of the LDS church tell you that Satan is getting a good grip on you, that you are damned to hell, and that you have given their religion a bad name (how could you possibly do that? You weren't a member for very long at all.) Anyone who said such horrible, unspiritual, and unloving things to me would make me want to run hard in the opposite direction.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Have fun and enjoy being young!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2012 08:03PM by summer.

Welcome movingforward. I feel for you and the pressure your aunt and the missionaries put on you. It seems that they saw a vulnerable young woman and got her to be baptised, however you sound like a strong young woman and it's great that you broke free from the lds church. You have saved yourself a lot of future disappointments, even if you feel heartbroken right now. This too shall pass.

I just want to share that one of the missionaries who baptized me, prior to my baptism when I was not committing to their date, wrote me a letter that made me feel confused and doubting my own judgement. As I read your description of this missionary crying and getting you to be confirmed, I thought of that letter and how this 'elder' used emotion and guilt to make me reconsider. He said something like I knew that the church was true and God wanted me to be baptized but I was being proud. I felt confused and guilty and did end up getting baptized soon after that. It took me 20 years to get out, kudos to you for taking less than a year.

Good luck,

I read your email earlier today Utah time and have been thinking about you all afternoon. YOu are very fortunate to have the intelligence to get out of Mormonism NOW. I joined when I was 17 and in a fragile emotional place in my life as well. I had a missionary once as well--the thing is, this elder had no damn business flirting with you--he must be at least 19, maybe even 21, which is way too old for a 15 or 16-year-old girl.

Can you turn to your parents for protection and support? YOu may need it in case your aunt tries to re-convert you. Stay strong--I know you cared for this missionary very much. These feelings are real--but in time, you will meet someone so much better for you and more mature. (I don't mean to sound condesceding or as though I'm an old lady talking down to you. I don't mean it that way.)

Good luck to you. HOw I envy you--I didn't see through the church until I was 45.

Please, take a step back.

The missionary has broken the rules in his behavior with you. He has been very dishonest. Either he should own up to his doubts about the church and quit, or he should not behave as he has. From his point of view he has abused your trust very badly, even if you do not believe in the church. In short, from the point of view of someone who has been raised a Mormon, he has been exploiting and abusing your trust.

It is not very likely that he will realise that he is himself being exploited any time soon. You also do not know if he has other "converts" in the same position as yourself. People who are able to operate like this, manipulating a vulnerable person from a position of "trustworthiness", often have many victims. His apparent lack of remorse or guilt, having concern only not to get caught, is the key here.

This is called hypocrisy. My younger sister picked up on this as a Mormon trait way earlier than I did. She left years before me - I was too trusting, and had to learn the hard way.

You really deserve something better than this. You sound like a very perceptive and sensible young woman. Way smarter than I was. I hope that your story can help other young people in the same situation. Keep us updated.

That's how they get us my dear. I was a shy 15 year old. When I was 16, they had me going to church. I was baptized just after my 17th birthday.

They got me involved with a great group of kids and that social scene sucked me in.

Have no worries. It's absolutely not true. There is so much material out there, if you want to do the research and know for a certainty, so that there won't ever be any feelings of guilt. They're so good at instilling guilt in people. That kept me in a lot longer than it should have.

Congratulations for having the guts to question at such a young age and realize it's not where you wanted to be. You're strong. It took me 30 years to get out.

Anxiety runs in my family and I've been through panic attacks. I know that only someone who has had them can really understand how debilitating they are.

The last time I had a bout with them, I went to a reputable hypnosis centre and it actually worked. I'd nipped it in the bud before they could escalate and take over again. I hadn't had panic attacks in many, many years, so when they threatened again, I took action and I'm glad I did.

Even just learning some relaxation techniques does wonders. Even if you just sit there and take long, calming deep breaths whenever you feel anxiety coming on, you can work through an attack. Once you do that enough times, you begin to lose your fear of them and that's when they weaken and eventually go away.

Once you realize that they can't hurt you, they begin to lose their power over you.

I wish you the best of luck. Thank you for sharing your story.

Hi guys. I just wanted to thank you all for your kind and supporting words. I read back through my post and noticed some typos - apologies for that.

deconverted2010: I'm so sorry the missionaries put such pressure on you at such a young age. It's absolutely disgusting. I'm glad you're out now and have seen the light. However, it's a shame that you were a part of that cult for 20 years. They really do get an awful grip on you. Well done for getting out. You're clearly a strong person so leave after such a long period of time and it's people like you that make me realize just how awful that brainwashing cult actually is.

Summer: You're absolutely right. How can I be giving their religion a bad name through exposing the truth? It's utter nonesense. If I can make a statement and back it up with facts, it is in no way slander. One of them had the cheek to tell me that if I contacted the police, they would see the mormons side too. I doubt it. A religious group harassing a 16 year old? I don't think that would go down well. Especially in the UK, where harassment is very much illegal. But thankyou for your kind words. You really made me look at the situation in a different perspective. I know now that the bad things said about their religion are not just there because of anti and exmos, but they are there because the religion encourages such bad stuff so publicly.

Utah County Mom: When I read your post, it really made me think. I know deep inside you're right and over 8 months the feelings have become less debilitating. It gets hard though. Sometimes when I think about him or listen to a song where the words match my position I often feel depressed and alone. I can just hope that maybe he'll leave that church and something will come of it. However unlikely it is, I think that I would be in a very dark place without this hope. You said you had a missionary once? I would love to hear your story if you wouldn't mind telling it. Thanks a lot for thinking about me and I hope we can speak some more!

spanner: I am so glad you posted and although it hurts, I agree with you. I learned later from another missionary that my missionary had been flirting with a waitress of a restaurant he had visited. This killed me inside and I realized that he probably acted that way with many people, including non-converts and non-mormons. But I hid from this and buried my head in the sand. I know for a fact that he flirted with another girl from my ward who is now serving a mission. She stayed at his house (not mission flat, but his house in England. She was going to a convention), in his bed. This made me angry. I'm so glad that I can see the light now. I did have a very strong testimony, but it was mainly based on him and the things he said and the hope that he would return. Thankyou for your perspective and I will slowly but surely move on. This missionary will have a hold on me no more!

Greyfort: You're absolutely right. I've read so much information on the internet that has been backed up with facts that I want to kick myself for not looking at the time I was baptized. They told me not to (as did my aunt) and that it was all of Satan. I believed them and what a mistake that was! I'm glad you've got over your anxiety and mines is improving. I have good and bad days, but since I've left the church I wrote a letter to our Prime Minister and recieved a VERY RARE personalised reply. And I also met the leader of the Scottish Conservatives 2 days ago and got a picture with her! I'm very much into politics, so these have been big, big things for me. Furthermore, I'm more confident in school, I've made tonnes of new friends, attended big school debating events and represented the school and I have also really come out of my shell. I realize now that the church was holding me back from all of this and that God has now blessed me for leaving and returning to a true religion that doesn't promote Satan's false lies. I'm glad you got out and although your life must have been blighted by that damn cult for so long you're free now and all I can say (even if I am a 16 year old with very little experience of the world) live your life to the full without Mormonism! I'm sure there are many things you can now do that you wouldn't have been able to do within the grasps of that cult and I wish you all the best!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/06/2012 11:01AM by movingforward.

Moving Forward--that's so exciting you're getting into an interest you're passionate about! You go, girl, as they say over here.

I have a 17-year-old son who, like me, has left Mormonism behind. I'd love it if he met a gal like you someday.

As for my missionary story--I was 20 and home from BYU at Xmas break (I'm not from Utah originally). To make a long story short, I met a tall, handsome missionary from UTah in my home ward we wrote the remaining 6 months of his mission. We became quite close--I helped him through a traumatic experience, and he was a dear freind to me. When he came home, he made plans to come to BYU to be with me. IT was quite serious--and then one day when he left my apartment I KNEW I'd never see him again. I just knew it, even though he'd given me no indication that our relationship woudl be ending soon. A few weeks later, I got a LETTER (yeah, he wasn't man enough to come talk to me), saying his old girlfreind had showed up and they "now had plans."

I was devastated at the time--but to make another long story short, I'm so glad he didn't marry me. HE was a sweet man, but came from an extremely conservative Mormon family that didn't encourage its women to get educated. I really did want to finish my college degree.

If I'd married him, I probalby would not have gotten my master's degree and I doubt I'd have had the guts to leave the LDS church. I have no regrets about not marrying him.

He's a sweet memory. After awhile, I threw out all his letters to me. I think we needed each other's freindship that six months we wrote. But that's what he should stay-- a sweet memory, nothing more. That was 32 years ago.

Yeah, I hope my son finds a young woman like you someday!

Thank you for the kind encouragement. You're right. I need to quit looking at the years I lost and embrace what I have now. I've finally found my self-esteem and have healed more and more as time goes on.

One big thing which made me leave the Church was that it finally dawned on me that their guilt trips had hurt my self-esteem and I wondered why I'd let them do that to me. That was my initial reason for going inactive, long before I ever learned the truth.

You sound like a very intelligent young person, with a good head on your shoulders. I think you'll be just fine. :o)