I have been crying for hours. This has always been my favorite holiday party every year--a tradition. I thought it would be next week or the week after, and was watching for the invitation. Today my cousin said, as we parted, "Bye! See you tomorrow, at (our cousin's) party!" I was so shocked, I didn't say anything.

No, I'm not the type to cry a lot, and I don't get easily offended, but this is just too much for me to handle. Bothering RFM with this is a last resort. Sorry, people. This is really stupid, like a child not being invited to a birthday party. Actually, that never happened to me before, so I don't know how to deal.

On top of this, for a couple of years now, I'm being shunned by Mormon "friends" whose groups and committees I served and paid money to faithfully for two decades. Nothing personal, right?

But--my own personal friends? These are women who protested when our long-time book club was ordered to read only Mormon-written books. I brought them dinners when they were sick. We exchanged goodies at Christmas (except for the last two years, when I left). My children and their children grew up together! We worked together in the PTA. We gave wedding and baby showers together. We shoveled each other's sidewalks. Went to our parents' funerals. I played the piano for them.

Back to the party tomorrow night--it couldn't be because they found out I've left the cult, could it? About a third of our relatives at the party are ex-Mormons, already. The host's brother is openly gay. A lot of them are single, so that's not a problem. There are some Catholics and other Christians, and Atheists, some cousins are Jewish--but they are all invited--they are all great people. I don't talk about religion. I'm friendly and up-beat (not whiney and long-winded like now). I thought I got along with everybody. I bring nice food that gets gobbled up, arrive on time and leave on time, and help in the kitchen. I take off my boots when I enter the house, dress up nice, and I look the same as always. My mind is going crazy, trying to figure out how I need to change!

Do I confront the hostess? I hate confrontation. That would put pressure on them to invite me, when they really don't care to have me there.. I would feel too awkward to have a good time.

I wish I could just think of this asj just a missed party, and nothing more, but right now, I'm adding this onto the stack of shunnings, snubbings, instults, gossip and lies--piled onto me and my children for the past few years. I feel that I have NOTHING! No friends, no support system, no family, nothing. I am nothing.

How are you stronger people able to stay strong, and just move on? I know some of you have lost your spouse and family. How do you get through the shock of that, through the loneliness afterwards, through the next few hours? Help!

Sorry to be such a downer. L

If they're anything like my family it could just be an oversight. We're not the most thoughtful bunch. If not that's really lame.

Maybe you should just crash it. Bring something good to eat have fun and act like normal. In the end if you don't go sounds like it's their loss.

Good luck.

That has happened to me - stuff gets delivered to the wrong address, etc. Happened twice a couple of months ago and they were bills!

Call someone that will give you the particulars and go ahead and show up. Act like you misplaced your invite!

Go ahead and show up. Assume you were invited. I would!

I agree with SusieQ#1. Show up anyway. Act like you were invited all along, and everything is completely normal.

If the invitation was lost or overlooked, your cousin will never know otherwise. If not, then you are teaching them how to treat you...which is like every other member of the family.

Go and enjoy!

Just go. Sounds like a good group.

I can't really relate too much to your situation, because I would just as soon not visit with my cousins. They're nice enough people, and wouldn't think about leaving me out, but things are somewhat awkward between us and our conversations are very forced.

As far as you're concerned, though: since you would rather not directly confront the hostess (understandably!), why don't you have someone else find out if she has inadvertently left you out ... and if it was NOT an oversight, then find out why you were not included. Maybe the cousin that you just visited with could call and ask the hostess what you're bringing--because "it's always SO delicious!" From there, your "spy" cousin could do a little fact finding and maybe help you resolve things with the hostess!

That's just a suggestion--it's FREE advice, probably worth what it cost you ... : )

Whatever the outcome, I hope at least you feel you can always come to RfM to vent and garner a little sympathy! Good luck with everything!

see if they know what is up? Maybe they could find out if it was just an error or oversight.

Is there someone in the group who will be as baffled as you are and want to figure it out?

I wouldn't go. If anything the cousin who told you about the party is bound to ask why motherwhoknows isn't there. Then the hostess will have some explaining to do.

If someone asks you why you weren't there simply tell them you weren't invited. I'll bet people will wonder WTF is wrong with the hostess.

First I forgot a sister-in-law, then this same sister-in-law brought it to my attention that I had forgotten my only sister.

I have 8 brothers and one sister, so pretty glaring blunder to forget my only sister.

Oops! Idiocy happens, hope your hostess just overlooked you.

Not. Anyway, just go, as if nothing has happened. You'll see what's really up if they say anything about it.

I was fortunate that my extended family is fun and hard-drinking, and are happy for me to leave the church. They put on a heck of a Christmas party.

Tell Cousin you were in shock and couldn't say anything when she said, "see you tomorrow". BUT now you want to let her know that you are not invited...........and you are hurt. See what cousin says to that.

I wouldn't show up at the party without the hostess/cousin inviting you. But that's just me.

Hope you hear something sooooon so you can stop fretting.
(I would be fretting too) Why oh why oh why?

Hugs and hang in there
K

Yeah, I am going to have to say it might be an oversight. If not crash it and have fun doing it, show up in costume.

I am in the same boat as you are, but for entirely different reasons. I got told not to come, had to laugh.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2010 07:19PM by dthenonreligious.

dthenonreligious Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Yeah, I am going to have to say it might be an
> oversight. If not crash it and have fun doing it,
> show up in costume.
>
> I am in the same boat as you are, but for entirely
> different reasons. I got told not to come, had to
> laugh.

That might be a good idea...

I understand how you are feeling. It is very painful to be left out of important events in your families life. Last month was my grand daughters baptism. My dh was invited but my 2 youngest and I were not. He stayed 5 days and I'm sure they all (2 other daughters drove down from Provo and S.L.) had a great time. But I got to deal with my 7 year old (4 months younger than grand daughter) who cried a lot and kept saying her daddy loved his grand daughter more than he loved her. The shunning is sick and no mormons are NOT Christians.

I really hope,in your case,it was an oversight.Let us know how things go.

I'm sorry

You're right, Mormons are not Christian. We should not let their rudeness ruin our Christmas. Yet, I don't want to be petty or vindictive in return.

I don't know how to react to this kind of beharior.

I'm sorry, hon. This shunning stuff really sucks eggs. Unfortunately once you've set yourself free and are rejoicing in your new life, you really find out who your real friends are.

I was so completely shocked to find friends drifting away that I'd known since I was a kid. No matter what, I was sure those friends would still be loyal. Nope. That really shocked me.

It hurts and it stinks, but as others keep trying to tell me, they couldn't have been real friends in the first place. They were only friends because we had the Church in common.

One friend returned and I guess has decided that I haven't turned into some evil person and she now seems to be so grateful for our friendship. I'm really grateful that she came to that point, but as for the others, they're still absent from my life and I gave up reaching out to them.

I was the only member in my family, so I'm not really any help for giving advice in your situation. I guess I just wanted to let you know that I've experienced the shunning myself and so can relate and send a cyber hug.

I always find that most Mormons cant get through a paragraph without talking about the church in some way.

But that does not sound like a group that the OP is talking about. Maybe it's a case of lost invitation after all.

Thank you-all for replying! That cheered me up.

It doesn't cheer me up to know others have been shunned. I'm sorry for anyone who has to go through that!

As some of you suggested, I'm going to talk to my cousin that I saw today, but I'm sure she's clueless, because she expected me to be at the party. She will probably talk to the hostess on her own.

I'm too deflated to go crash a party I haven't been invited to. It would only put me in more disfavor. Besides, I'm not the disruptive type--but I do like loud laughter. That's it!

I'll stay home and watch "Christmas Vacation," and fix party food to take to the rest home, and save some for myself and the kids.

Is it "sour grapes", or is this party sounding less fun than I thought?

Sometimes in planning a party some things get dropped or forgotten. When making a list of people to invite it can be easy to forget a person or two.

I would not confront the hostess, I would call an say something like "I must have missed the invitation, what are the details".

No one's going to tell you, you weren't invited. Show up, thank the hostess for a great party as you enter (don't thank her for an invite, keep it general) and hand over food/a gift- hold her gaze while you do that and gush how great this is. Unless she's absolutely shameless, she's not going to call you out. Talk to anyone who might be on your side. Tell them about your own party, get them to commit... vile, nasty but it works.

No advice, but I do have a story.

I attended a seminar where one of the speakers talked about growth. He thought his appendix burst a few years back. Actually, it was just a kidney stone. But it was horribly painful.

The doctor came in the room to tell him what was going on. He said, "Here's the good news. When this is all over, you're going to feel a LOT better. Here's the bad news. Before it gets better, you're gong to be in pain."

Hopefully, you're not in pain very long. Life is too short.

Leaving Mormonism and finding new friends is not easy. There is a very good reason they want to monopolize your social life. It makes it too hard to leave!

Good luck to you. I'm interested in hearing how it goes.

I'm fascinated by other people's lives and I think it helps us all to know what the outcome is in a situation like this.

Who is actually giving the party...didn't read all the responses so sorry if you already said it. anyhow, find out who decided on the list and who wrote out the invites or called or whatever. Then decide if these are people who could have just forgotten you. Someone new in my non mormon family forgot my sister once. And sis has been going to family parties for 3 decades. I got ticked, let her know and then felt bad because she did just slip up and forget to invite her. This person gets teased a lot by family now for forgetting my sister. Check it out.....investigate. IF you really didn't get an invite due to them purposefully not having you on the list then they are all family who I would not care about at all anymore. Rude is something I don't deal with.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2010 10:40PM by honestone.

Maybe you weren't left out after all. People do make mistakes.
It's possible you were invited and then they wonder why you didn't come. Then who is shunning whom? :-)

Whenever I'm on the "Oh, yeah, we forgot" list, it makes me wonder just how welcome I am.

Always blame the victim.

Timothy

Timothy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Whenever I'm on the "Oh, yeah, we forgot" list, it
> makes me wonder just how welcome I am.
>
> Always blame the victim.
>
> Timothy

Timothy, you can help operate the BBQ, and can bring beer and music. What's NOT to be popular, there? ;oD

Maybe there has been something else going on with the family, that you are unaware of. Maybe folks took sides on the Prop 8 issue. Isn't Saturday the Jewish Sabbath, or something? Maybe you're not the only non-Mormon not going to the party. Maybe the family is getting too big, and they want to weed people out. Are your kids friendly with these relatives?

Whenever something is confusing, that means you need more information. This would be worth investigating, though you probably won't know the facts until the party is over. You have your one cousin who can spy for you. Maybe someone is spreading lies about you.

Be kind to yourself, and stop telling yourself that you need to change! Change what? Become Mormon again? Laugh less? Become aggressive and crash the party? Become thick-skinned and go somewhere else tomorrow and have a ball (you wish)? You seem like a sweet, sensitive person, a good cook, intelligent, with good manners, and probably plenty more assets. Concentrate on the people who do appreciate you!

My grandmother used to say, "When you feel blue, do something for someone else." I like your idea of going to the nursing home. Make a special dinner for your children, if they're around. If you're alone on a Saturday night (welcome to our single empty-nesters club!), do something nice for yourself, or, like another poster suggested, plan a party of your own in the near future!

Sorry to say, but I had to "let go" of a lot of family and friends when I left Mormonism. My children left with me, but most of my family are TBM's. I had to let go of the old dreams, of having tons of children and grandchildren around the Christmas tree, and a husband playing Santa Claus, and filling up a whole paper-covered folding table at the ward Christmas party. Hell, that's a lot of work, cooking, clean-up, and stress.

You are absolutely right about things not being as much fun as you remember them to be. When I see all my Mormon neighbors going to the ward party without me, I will probably shout for joy, as I put on my fleece jammies, some music, and curl up with a good book, and nibble on food I actually like.

You get through "nights like those" by anticipating the next day, and what you want to do bright-and-early. You will be one pound thinner, not having overindulged yourself. You can beat everyone to the stores, go for a quick walk before it snows, go out for coffee. My old grandma used to also say, "When you're depressed, wash your hair." Go ahead and look adorable, even if you're not going to a party right then.

Life is an adventure, and if you go out there and volunteer, take a class, try out other churches, go to lunch someplace different, even shop at different stores, you will meet a lot of new people, and maybe even find a new friends. Your life is changing, and honestly it is for the better! Your life will be under YOUR control, this time around!

"Letting go" doesn't mean dumping people, it means not depending on others for your happiness. Go ahead and send your relatives a Christmas card. Do what you feel like doing, but don't be calculating or manipulative. Just be yourself.

Wow, that gave a lot to think about, even for us who aren't in similar mo-exmo-nonmo situation.

She gave great advise. My mom use to tell me that reaching out to others takes away the pain.
I was also hurt being shunned. But I realised, that they're just a bunch of Pharasees who proably wouldn't invite Jesus, being single, Jewish (and Gasp! Not a Mormon either! :)

It is entirely possible that mail got lost or that someone forgot to send you an invitation.

Since your relative assumed you'd be there then obviously no one talked badly about you.

It's family, not a business meeting. Just call up the hostess and ask what you're supposed to bring, since your invitation did not arrive.

If she tells you not to come then you can get upset, not before.

Never-mos, but Baptists, which is almost as bad. It really might just be an oversight, as so many others have suggested, but having been in that situation, I can see it both ways. I'm sorry. :(

What???....you can understand not inviting a family member to a family holiday party just because one is of a different religion. That is crude behavior on the part of any family throwing a party for their relatives. Of course I am assuming the outsider( one who has a different religion) doesn't go there and spout off on his religion. What a foolish thing that would be. I think the OP just wants to be with family and feel accepted.

but hadn't heard about yet. I asked if they were holding it. The lady planning the event apologized and said she thought I was on the e-mail list and hoped I could come.

Things happen. Someone hits the wrong button on the computer and a name gets lost.

And letters sometimes get delayed or lost in the mail: I've sent things that never arrived. This week I got a credit card bill that was supposedly sent Nov. 16.

Don't make assumptions. Find out if an invitation was sent. THEN you can dispair if it wasn't (just kidding). But get the facts before you decide what to do next.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/04/2010 04:28AM by bmg.

I found out that people were invited with phone calls, and not mailed invitations, so nothing was lost in the mail. I have an answering service, and no messages were left.

Interesting--I called my Jewish cousin at 9:00, and she says she and her family were not invited, either. They live in our neighborhood, and are the ones that I usually drive to the party with. Now they are confused, too, and saying that maybe the one cousin got the date wrong. The husband said it is because we beat BYU! If we are being excluded, we will have our own family party for New Year's, and bring ethnic food, and serve alcohol, and not bring the kids. Our family is changing. I'm so relieved to have someone on my side. We're going to go to the Dickens Festival, and buy nuts from California, and see a movie afterward.

Obviously, I took all of this too seriously, and I'm working on that. The cult was too harsh for someone like me. I sincerely appreciate your help. I read my cousins what you wrote! They kept saying what cool people you are!

Nice to know you're not alone and you have a plan for a better party.

I got good advice from Forestpal the other day and worked wonders for me. I suggest you print her reply and use her ideas if they feel right for you.

You're a good person.

It doesn't have to be confrontational.

Just say that you are curious about why the rules for attendance changed this year and you'd like to know what they are so those who didn't get included can plan better for next year.

Given how 'extended' is so ill defined, they may just have a different idea of what it means.

Wish them a good holiday and say something nice about how you've been doing, all like it was no big deal.

I also like the idea of having your own family party for New Years. If you want to see the entire family, maybe you can plan for a Super Bowl party, a picnic in the late spring or summer, etc.

When you talk to the hostess, I'd ask her (kindly) if she decided to scale back on the guest list this year. Either this will remind her that you were overlooked, or it will make her squirm. Cheerily suggest getting together at another time, when she's "less rushed."

Shine light on darkness.

Summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I also like the idea of having your own family
> party for New Years. If you want to see the entire
> family, maybe you can plan for a Super Bowl party,
> a picnic in the late spring or summer, etc.
>
> When you talk to the hostess, I'd ask her (kindly)
> if she decided to scale back on the guest list
> this year. Either this will remind her that you
> were overlooked, or it will make her squirm.
> Cheerily suggest getting together at another time,
> when she's "less rushed."
>
> Shine light on darkness.


I like those ideas!~ And invite -- everyone! :-)

When I talk about mail getting misplaced or lost, I have one experience that stands out and taught me never to assume.
My policy is to ask, talk about what happened.

I thought someone forgot my birthday. Later I found out that they did send the card, but it didn't show up, not until some neighbors were moving and found it 18 months later and hand delivered it, along with other mail they had set aside to take over to our house.