A recent experience reminded me of the shunning that is often the result when someone leaves TSCC. The situation I observed was probably the result of Borderline Personality Disorder, however the motivation with shunning by TBMs is exactly the same.



"What many non borderlines might not realize is that the quiet borderline stance of giving you the silent treatment is as abusive as is the abuse of the verbally abusive raging borderline.

The silent treatment is considered by many to be a form of verbal abuse. It is also a form of psychological and/or emotional abuse. It is toxic. It is a betrayal of all that love is meant to be.

The silent treatment as punishment is a total negation of who you are and of what you feel and/or may need. It is the epitome of broken mutuality. It is one of the experiences that most puts non borderlines in touch with the actual truth of much of how they are invisible to the borderline. For the quiet and raging borderline alike the primitive narcissism of the borderline false self living and re-living of all of the borderline's unresolved abandonment trauma through any close relationship dictates that other must be punished when the borderline isn't immediately and satisfactorily satiated. If a borderline can ever be satiated it is at best a fleeting satiation that will only be more intense the next time in what will be an escalating coupling of need and want and get-away-closer no-win that will leave the head of many a non borderline spinning in confusion and many a non borderline heart aching.

The silent treatment is punitive."

http://borderlinepersonality.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/07/borderline-pe-2.html

Silent treatment has its place-I am giving it to someone at work right now, he is a miserable old man and most toxic to be anywhere near, Johovah's Witness I believe.

I had no idea how dysfunctional my family was! We looked perfect, though, all perfectly dressed, and sitting up straight on the bench every Sunday.

The silent treatment was abusive! So was the yelling that preceded it. Usually, I was being falsely accused. I got the silent treatment if I refused to go to church, or didn't do my chores (I was the maid, and the babysitter when Mommy was doing Relief Society work, or at the country club, or playing bridge). One of my brothers was retarded and violent, and was very tough to babysit. If I objected, I'd get the silent treatment, sometimes for days and days. The silent treatment sometimes included Mommy removing herself completely from the house, and going to stay at my aunt and uncle's house. My father was always away on business trips during these episodes. I had to keep things going, make sure everyone got to school, and we had to feed ourselves, when we were too young to use the stove. If we had called anyone for help, or told anyone about it, we would have been severely punished. We never told a soul.

Is this a Mormon thing????

I would try to apologize to my mother, and often I had no idea what to apologize FOR. If I tried to talk to her, she'd get worse. All my life, I thought my mother had a right to behave like this. I thought we children were to blame.

This sick behavior certainly didn't make us love our mother more. She used to say, "I'd rather have you respect me than love me." Huh?

When I was 40, and my mother was being mean to me, I said, "Maybe I'm a goddam brat, maybe I'm a hopeless loser, but one thing I am--I am a kind person--I would never say such cruel things to my daughter!"

No wonder I'm in therapy!

New Victoria Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I had no idea how dysfunctional my family was! We
> looked perfect, though, all perfectly dressed, and
> sitting up straight on the bench every Sunday.
>
> The silent treatment was abusive! So was the
> yelling that preceded it. Usually, I was being
> falsely accused. I got the silent treatment if I
> refused to go to church, or didn't do my chores (I
> was the maid, and the babysitter when Mommy was
> doing Relief Society work, or at the country club,
> or playing bridge). One of my brothers was
> retarded and violent, and was very tough to
> babysit. If I objected, I'd get the silent
> treatment, sometimes for days and days. The
> silent treatment sometimes included Mommy removing
> herself completely from the house, and going to
> stay at my aunt and uncle's house. My father was
> always away on business trips during these
> episodes. I had to keep things going, make sure
> everyone got to school, and we had to feed
> ourselves, when we were too young to use the
> stove. If we had called anyone for help, or told
> anyone about it, we would have been severely
> punished. We never told a soul.
>
> Is this a Mormon thing????
>
> I would try to apologize to my mother, and often I
> had no idea what to apologize FOR. If I tried to
> talk to her, she'd get worse. All my life, I
> thought my mother had a right to behave like this.
> I thought we children were to blame.
>
> This sick behavior certainly didn't make us love
> our mother more. She used to say, "I'd rather
> have you respect me than love me." Huh?
>
> When I was 40, and my mother was being mean to me,
> I said, "Maybe I'm a goddam brat, maybe I'm a
> hopeless loser, but one thing I am--I am a kind
> person--I would never say such cruel things to my
> daughter!"
>
> No wonder I'm in therapy!


That is unconscionable. I have seen plenty of the silent treatment in my Mormon existence but that trumps what I have seen so far. I am sorry you had to endure that. There are probably many things that contribute to that kind of behavior. However, Mormonism seems to breed and exacerbate the problem. The god of Mormonism is very intolerant, vindictive, and unforgiving. He constantly threatens to shun/cut off his children from his presence for eternity. It is difficult to worship and try to emulate such a warped, toxic caricature without it affecting a person's behavior and mental well-being.

When I left TSCC a few years ago, my marriage went with it. I knew it would. What I didn't expect was that my oldest daughter (22 years) would shun me. She had my first and only grand daughter about 1 year ago, and is now expecting her 2nd little girl. I left TSSC when she was at YBU, and had met a young man (her now husband). They both moved back her home state in the mid-west (about 20 miles away).

Although I was a wonderful father to her, she will have nothing to do with me. She is a TBM. She visits her mother regularly, and in doing so will come within 200 yards of my home. She won't call me, speak to me, answer my calls, respond to my e-mails, or allow me to see my grand daughter.

I am so sad about this. I've already gone through the grieving process. It is truly a betrayal, and the definition offered in this post of the "silent treatment" is absolutely true. As a so called Christian, I'm not sure how she reconciles this - but you know the morgbots - they can spin and justify just about anything.

Shunning is one of the most violent, crule, evil, practice, that is common to the mormon church. It's a very violent form of punishment. It's used in most polls but the mormon have it perfected.cult



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2010 05:54PM by get her done.

Shunning is NOT exclusive to Mormons.

Some Mormons may be pros at shunning, but non-Mormons can be cruel experts at shunning as well.

Another article on the topic says this (link below).

“Silent treatment is a form of torture to someone that they profess to love… it allows the abuser to avoid any confrontations, any uncomfortable questions or subjects that they don't want to talk about, and it gives them a way to get out of any accountability to their spouse.

“The silent treatment is a method the abuser uses to 'kill' you… psychologically…”

http://www.dovechristiancounseling.com/SilentTreatment.html

My ex-husband used to give me the silent treatment. To New Victoria who asks, "Is this a Mormon thing?" I have to wonder. They equate anger to Satan and have to swallow it and pretend everything is okay with a happy smile. I don't know.

My BIC husband would pout and ignore me for days and weeks. "What's wrong, honey," I would ask repeatedly. At some point I would be the one blowing up and screaming, "What's wrong? Why are you ignoring me?!" That's when he would unload on me. He would bring up crap that bugged him six weeks or six months ago, and at this point I couldn't remember the situation or event or details, but he certainly had plenty of time to stew and draw conclusions over it. He would bring up a laundry list of my many failures and short-comings. He would call me names and come after me with high levels of cruelty. I was regularly dropped to the floor in a puddle of tears over it.

Then we go back to the silent treatment and the cycle begins again.

The silent treatment is a very insidious form of abuse and years can go by before you realize it.

My current beau is Puerto Rican and just last night, he told me that he thinks this is exclusive to Americans in the States. (Technically, he's an American too, because Puerto Rico is a U.S. Territory, but don't let him hear you call him that. ;>))

I pointed out that it's a form of control. The person delivering the silent treatment does this to gain control of the interaction and force the victim to behave however he or she wants him or her to behave.

He is in the process of moving out from his roommate. He went to the house yesterday to pick up some stuff and she shut down on him. He just left because she wasn't telling him what she was upset or mad about and he had no idea, so he took off. He asked me, "Why can't people just tell you what's up?"

I pointed out that he and I do that all the time. I'm sensitive to it because I used to date a JW who pulled this abusive crap all the time, and because I've seen mormons do it to each other my entire life. I know it's unhealthy behavior, so when I find myself holding back, I try to think of a more tactful, nice way to say what's on my mind and then I let it rip. Sometimes I'll even say, "I'm really irritated with you right now, so this is going to sound harsh, but [insert explanation of whatever's pissing me off]. We'll have our shouting match (God love the Latinos and their firey passion!), air out the crap, work it out, and then go have awesome make up sex.

The thing about abusers/controllers who pull this shit is, they never get to the lovely make-up stage. They're really missing out. Sometimes I pick a fight with my Latin Lover just to get the make up sex. ;>)