well im tryingmto get it through their heads that i dont want to go to church anymore for pacific reasons.

I was 30 and we fought about it. It was good for me to go two states over afterwards.

I agree with RJ, you need to just wait a little bit. Make a plan to move away at 18, then tell them.

I left at age 13, along with my twin brother and a brother who was 14, BUT...

We had 3 older brothers who had already bailed on the church.
2 of them were still living at home.

TBM parents were fighting a losing battle with all of us.


If I had to do it all over, I may have stayed til I was 18 and out of the house.

It took it's toll on our relationships.

I left the cult for pacific reasons, too. I wanted to go to the beach on Sundays.

I was lucky, my parents left the church several years before I did.

@ 33 I wrote my dad an email (we really do communicate better through writing) and expounded on all my reasons.

He told me he loved me and hasn't brought it up again except to say things like, "The spirit must be working on you" when I talked about starting a non profit.

I would have found such a comment rude. What? You couldn't come up with this idea on your own? It had to be a ghost telling you to do it?

I did and do.

When you say 'non profit' do you mean multi billion dollar corporation?

I emailed them and told them I had resigned. and I gave a long rambling explanation in a separate file that they could read if they wanted to.

But I had the luxury of not relying on them financially, so I basically told them that if they were going to be dicks about it, it was goodbye forever. Be careful if you need them to pay for your education or something.

I was on a phone call with my mother, telling her what was going on in my life and her response to something that I said was, "If you just went to church you wouldn't have that problem", and my response was, "I don't believe that is true and I do not believe that the church is true" Her response was "I can't believe that you don't believe in it" and my response was "I can't believe that you do". That ended the conversation and we hung up after that. Too much drama.

Yeah, if you're under 18 you have to have parents who don't view you as chattle to be directed as they see fit, in order to even think of getting out of church.
I didn't, so I played along grudgingly until I left home. Then I never went back.

Do you have a plan? Work some jobs while you are young so that you can have financial independence. You may NEED it when you turn 18. If not, you can buy a car or pay for some of your college with it if it turns out your parents can accept you.

one of my great nephews just said I'm 18. I'm not going anymore!

Unfortunately, I didn't come out about my long-standing disbelief until after my mother had died and my father had slipped into dementia. I could have saved myself years of living a double life. Oh, yeah, they would have gone ape sh!t, but it would have ended eventually.

I printed out the list of Joseph Smith's wives with their ages and names of their living husbands with a link to the lds family search website that I got the info from. On the next few pages were the racist and troubling quotes from prophets. The last page said I would no longer be going to church for those reasons and to remember the 11th article of faith.

I handed it to them and hoped that would be it but got stuck in a convo about it and brought up way more stuff than I wanted it.

I'm an adult but live at home and things are a bit awkward.

I still think my method was good since it used only church sources. Their response is that I have confused the facts. Hopefully I have planted a seed and after processing the info for a few years they will see the light.

Even though I am grown and you are a minor, we are in the same boat being dependent on our parents.
I have a plan to get back on my feet to be dependent again and I have to just be respectful until that time comes. I wouldn't have said anything except that I just couldn't let my kids keep getting brainwashed. If it weren't for that I would've kept quiet about my disbelief until I was out of the house.

It is unbearable to go to church when you know the real truth. But I recommend what the other posters said. Try to be respectful and have a plan for independence when you turn 18 so that they have no control over you.

They just said i had to go to church anyway.

Not sure how much this applies to your situation, but I was always the "good" son in my family. Never rebelled. Went to church, did everything I was supposed to and went on a mission. I did a huge amount of research in the church from both pro and con sources about the church and realized the church was not "true." When I moved in with my parents temporarily after I graduated college, I didn't go to church with them.

Eventually my mother sat me down and asked me why I'm not going to church. I confessed that I had done a lot of research and came to the realization that the church is not what it claims to be and that I no longer believe that the leaders of the church, including Joseph Smith, are prophets of God.

She asked what my research was. I told her that I had studied anti-Mormon literature and I read all the apologetic literature rebutting it, but they had no good answers. I weighed both sides and I realized the truth was on the side of the critics. I mentioned a few things like blood atonement, the temple changes and its similarity to masonry, polygamy, changed revelations, etc.

She asked if she could read my research. I gave her some files I printed off (basically downloaded Mormonism: Shadow or Reality into Word documents and mostly just left the quotes instead of their own commentary) and also gave her Larson's book on the Book of Abraham.

Soon after she came back and was very upset that she never learned these things in the church. She shared this information with my dad who read it. They both came to the same conclusion as me and we all resigned from the church together.

Basically, I think what helped me was that I was very respectful in my approach to my parents. I didn't go off on a rant but was very sincere and told them I wanted the church to be true and tried my best to reach that conclusion but that the evidence simply did not add up. I was always good when it came to the church and so they knew I didn't stop believing out of rebelliousness. I had legitimacy in their eyes and so they took me more seriously. It helped that I studied all sides and had info to back it up.

The key is to be financially independent.

I admire those who live at home and do it, but it is much easier to be independent so they can hold nothing over your head. There is nothing they can use to hurt you.

chelseamarie Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> well im tryingmto get it through their heads that
> i dont want to go to church anymore for pacific
> reasons.

I never got the chance. Got shunned right out of the whole family when I didn't go on the sales mission.

If I was in your shoes, I would start studying up on the truth so that you know the problems with the church and its history.

http://packham.n4m.org/tract.htm
www.mormonthink.com
Mormonism: Shadow or Reality by Jerald & Sandra Tanner

I would then gradually start questioning things with the church. Don't come out all at once, just a little bit here and a little bit there. Nothing to raise their ire or get them upset. Just enough to show them that you are sincere and a thinking individual. Tell them you don't "feel" comfortable or right about this or that.

Maybe you can gradually ease them into the realization that you aren't buying into the idea that the church is true but at the same time show them that you are sincere and not just rebelling or not trying hard enough.

So i dont want to be lds anymore i told my mom sorta that i just dont want to go to church and i said what if i believe in a different church and she said as long as you belive in christ ahe said i still had to attend seminary young womens and chhurch but i dont want to and she wont respect that and my choice what should i do and im 14 i really would like an answer back like asap!!

That's a tough one. Some parents don't believe kids have the right to make choices like this and they hope that by forcing their kids to attend these things the kids will "feel the Spirit" and gain a testimony.

I don't know how hardline your mom is. Would it be possible to negotiate? Agree to attend YW, but not seminary, or whatever seems the least offensive to you?

Seriously blurt out that you no longer want to be a part of it, and tell her if she can't respect that, then she isn't letting you use your agency.

jorbell, it is unfortunate but one cannot win with that approach as the TBM parent will trump child's agency with their own temple covenanted duty to force compliance until brainwashing takes effect or child is no longer a minor and becomes a legal adult.

An underage TBM child does not have any agency, except to agree to baptism: free agency is now 'moral' agency and humans are no longer 'free' to choose a path, they (especially mormons) are obliged to use their moral agency to do 'right', ie whatever tscc currently claims is 'correct'.

No amount of debate about agency or of satan's pre-mortal plan of forced compliance can be made in such a way that the parent would be unable to justify their own authority over the child. Discussions such as these just create enmity between parents and child.

3 things; Financial independence, drama, and knowing your parents.

Financial Independence - This has already been said by others and it is a big one. Many lds parents will use what they can if you are dependent on them. "You can't live here if you don't go to church" or "We will no longer pay for school if you are not mormon." I'm adding nothing new here, but it helps your situation and your relationship with them a great deal if you do not need anything physical from them.

Drama - How much drama are you willing to put up with? If you are 25 and live on your own, it is much easier to tell your parents the 100% uncut truth of how you feel. If you are a teenager and are going to be living with these people for a few more years, it might not be. There are things you might want to say that it might be best to be left unsaid for the time being. This leads into the 3rd thing;

Know your parents - All lds parents are different. Some are so hardcore in their beliefs that they will disown their children for not believing. Otherse are on the opposite end and will actually leave the church with their kids. Know who your parents are, and know the best way to approach them. If they are super hardcore lds, I'd wait until being 100% financially independent. If they are more lax, tell them what you know in a respectful way.

I was home from my my mission. My parents knew it was rough, but they didn't really comprehend just how rough it was. I'd met the Cuban knockout a month after returning home from my mission, but waited until she turned eighteen to officially ask her out. My mom asked if the girl was willing to convert to the LDS faith. I answered that I didn't want her to, because I was staying with the church only for long enough to get my BYU undergrad degree. My mom ran out of the room crying, but she eventually got over it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2014 12:35AM by scmd.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2014 02:51AM by madalice.

We are in our mid 30's. I texted it to them then let them chew on it for a few days. When they were ready I talked to them on the phone. None of the conversations we had went very well.

I'm confused about "pacific" reasons. Because of pacifism? I sure hated the war-mongering in the LDS church back during the Vietnam war. So many guys couldn't go on missions, anyway, because of the draft. So the LDS church began calling the military a "mission" (initially, no doubt, to make the drafted Mormon boys feel better), and that's when a bit of Mormon militarism took over. And that's when I really had a hard time.

Cludgie, I, too, was confused about "pacific" reasons. I think she may have meant "specific" reasons, though I'm merely guessing.

cludgie Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I'm confused about "pacific" reasons. Because of
> pacifism? I sure hated the war-mongering in the
> LDS church back during the Vietnam war. So many
> guys couldn't go on missions, anyway, because of
> the draft. So the LDS church began calling the
> military a "mission" (initially, no doubt, to make
> the drafted Mormon boys feel better), and that's
> when a bit of Mormon militarism took over. And
> that's when I really had a hard time.

She meant "specific reasons". Also, I found it curious that you said so many guys couldn't go on missions because of the draft. Actually, if you were called on a mission during the Vietnam Nam War you received a 4D Draft Status which gave you a draft deferment until you were released. Many young Mormons took advantage of that to avoid military service. Maybe some of the people you are referring to joined the military to avoid going on a mission, but no one who went on a mission, or wanted to, got drafted.

My ex brother in law in Vernal, UT( non mormon) was told to get ready. They were going to draft him because all the Mormons were not draft eligible due to going on missions. This did give him time to join the Air Force rather than get drafted.

I was in my 20s when I left the church. I was already living on the other side of the country, so I didn't actually tell them. I just lived my life. I wanted to show them that I was indeed happier and that the church no longer dominated my life -- true known facts. I just didn't see the need for some dramatic conversation that was only going to upset me.

My parents know I am not a member now. I resigned. It was obvious when I married a jew and started a non-Mormon, secular family. They know we occasionally drink coffee, wine, and beer and use Sunday as a family activity day.

I am not sure of your age or situation. But the best form of revenge (against the Mormon Church) is to live well. Stay away from cigarettes and illegal drugs. If you are under 21, don't drink. If you are over 21, a couple of drinks a week is ok--don't over do it. Focus on your education, travel, read inspiring books, listen Bob Dylan or whatever.

When I was 19 I was home for a visit (I'd moved away for school) and my mother found a book in my room about a non-Christian religion. I used that as an opportunity to tell her about all the reading I'd been doing about world religions and alternative spiritual paths.

I made it clear that I am neither an atheist nor a Christian believer, but that I was very interested in being a good person and seeking a positive spiritual path.

It took 10 years for the dust to settle.

She concluded that I must have serious mental health issues that required professional help, and suggested that I drop out of school and move home so she could "retrain" me, because we couldn't afford expensive professionals. She also suggested that I take psychology classes at the local community college to understand how my "mental health problems" led to such a wrong choice.

Huh?

I went back to school, financed the rest of my education with loans and financial aid, lived in a slum (no dorms), and just got used to not having much of a relationship with her.

For 10 years it was the ONLY topic of conversation she would bring up. Now I talk to her about innocuous subjects like what happened at work and my pets did today, but that's it.

I told my father straight up that I felt the Bible and the Book of Mormon were both fiction. The whole thing was a trick.

I was twelve at the time, and within three years I'd be thrown out of the house and placed at a boy's ranch. Would I have done differently? Fuck no. My siblings who sucked up to Dad still rely on the 82-year-old man to provide housing or money for bills or both.

In the long run, my brother Jeff and I learned independence. We were spurned by the others. Neglect is a harsh but effective lesson. The two of us have long term families and stable homes.

You were smart ... I wish I'd have figured it all out at 12. It would have saved me such heart ache and sadness.

I left at age 38 and I didn't tell my parents - I just quit attending. I believe my wife told them. At any rate, have never talked about it with my dad, and my mom bugs me occasionally to go back.

I mention some problems with the church, but she doesn't care and doesn't understand. You find out most members' knowledge is a mile wide and an inch deep. They pretty much just go on feelings.

And since it is about feelings, I tell people I am not happy in the church. And really that is all that matters. And if your parents actually care about you, they would want you happy. Otherwise, they are using you to prop up their status in church or whatever.

It is fascinating for morg to preach free agency, but then bully or withhold love or money or guilt you into compliance. Psychological coercion.

So just ask your parents if they want you to be happy, and then tell them the church makes you not happy and that should be the end of it. If they insist it does make you happy, then pick something you enjoy and they don't and insist they enjoy it also.

I happen to like milking cows and driving tractors. I told my mom that I expect her to enjoy that also, and that I was very disappointed and ashamed of her for not having a milk cow.

Silence.

Control freaks.

Well, OP, I don't believe you are fourteen. More like twelve.

What are your reasons for not wanting to be LDS? "Just because" is not a good enough reason, not at your level. Any parent in his or her right mind would disregard that "reason," because if you are not mature enough to clearly state a reasonable no-fits argument, you are not mature enough to break house rules, willy-nilly.

Make your argument here, practice here, and remember that "I don't wanna" is not good enough. We can't help you if you can't say what you are thinking and feeling.

Only you know what is in your mind and heart. Spill it.

By now OP would be 16 or 18. Someone revived a four-year old thread.

:/

I completely agree. You can't just give that as a reason, that would never work. You need to build an argument, maybe even get some facts or quotes for your reasoning. Remember how your teachers told you to write a paper... It's going to become useful.

Last December I came home from BYU-I and asked my mom if I could talk to her for a minute, and then I came out of the closet and told her I'm agnostic (well, I'm an atheist but I thought she might react better if I said I'm agnostic instead). It was a fairly short conversation. She was disappointed, and said she thought my dad might get angry, and then I practically ran out of the house to spend the night with a friend who was waiting for me outside. My mom broke the news to my dad and the next day I had lunch with him, and he was emotional but decent about it. My three siblings and all my relatives are TBMs.

I was eighteen then, and at first they encouraged me to keep going to church but I gradually stopped attending. Living at home is pretty uncomfortable, and I'm working on transferring to a state university, but I still wish I had left sooner. I did extensive research throughout high school and wanted to leave for about five years before I actually did. Everyone's situation is different, though.

I got a huge cupcake, rainbow ofcourse, with "happy apostate day" on it. Posted the pic to facebook. Told everyone i was out in one post. Said the church only ever protected those who hurt me the most.Needless to say I've been disowned.

I've never told my parents. I haven't talked to them in decades, and i'm not going to start now. They'd be thrilled they won't be stuck with me eternity.

chelseamarie Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> well im tryingmto get it through their heads that
> i dont want to go to church anymore for pacific
> reasons.

Can you be a little more Pacific?

What Reasons?

You need some independence before you wade into that snake pit. If you depend on your parents for food and shelter, I suggest you only drop hints and drag your feet until you're ready to support yourself.

I didn't do it that way and I was sorry.

The best time to tell your parents is when you are completely independent of them -- you are living in your own apartment (or with roommates) and you are financially independent of them with enough education, skills, and/or experience so that you can support yourself decently.

The reason that I say this is because Mormon parents sometimes, or even often, don't behave well about it. A few kids get kicked out of the house. Many get their parents clamping down on them severely in terms of privileges, access to cars and electronics, etc.

We often advise kids still living at home to do what is expected while saving money for school or emancipation.

It wasn't hard to do. I just told them.

They were both inactive by then, so it was almost a non-issue where they were concerned.

Both were believing right up to they died. Mom wholly; dad in part. They were respecting of my right to self-determination as an adult.

Dad even recommended other churches for me to attend.

IMO if you want people to respect your personal space and boundaries, you have to let them know what those are.

I just want some advice and maybe someone to talk to. I'm only 15 and I really feel like my parents would disown me if I told them. I honestly cry when I think about it and how I can't tell anyone what I'm going through. I can't tell my parents or my Mormon friends, and my nonmormon friends obviously don't get it. I just want to end it sometimes.

I strongly suggest you start a new thread that everyone can see. People will tend to overlook your post since it's deeply buried within this old one.

Don't tell your parents. In a few years you will have your freedom.

You might want to start a new thread for more support.

It's hard to have this bottled up inside, but it's better than telling them and putting up with tantrums and punishments.

Just play along as best you can until you've achieved more independence. Do what's expected but drag your feet as much as you dare.

Good luck.

OP is five years older now...

When I told my dad I didn't want to go on a mission I think he already knew.

Went to the funeral of a dear TBM friend today. Got greeted as Brother Burr once by an older guy who doesn't know I'm out.

I just eased out of mormonism and never made a big deal of it. When my parents started noticing, I simply put them off and said I was no longer interested, then changed the subject.

I was twelve when I told my father that I had figured it out. Instant hate came my way. Within three years my father and my grandfather had me put away in a boy's ranch. Their actions failed to convince me. Abuse can't hide forever. My father was a fucking ratfink. He would rather destroy someone than stand for something. He is a Mormon.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2017 05:59AM by donbagley.

I told my father in the front yard when I was twelve. He despised me for it. His only response was that I wasn't praying enough. But I prayed every night for God to kill me. That bastard turned his back on me too.

Lucky for me, I had a few friends that are inspirational. It's difficult and wonderful to be a Christian.
Your path may an atheist, and all of that.
I find peace with all of my insecurities, and know that we are together.
I really don't care about George Curneal and his wife, because I know that George Curneal will be able to withstand the fiery darts of the adversary. George Curneal is moving in with his mother in law, or the sons of George Curneal are moving in with George Curneals mother in law.

Quite sad about the identity theft proclamation of George and Liz, and they paid for the education of the Bradley Curneal, and his Jeremy Curneal are this and that.

Bradley and his sister is a Jenny Curneal, and Jeremy Curneal is moving in with his grandma at the compound known as the Emillee compound with the George Curneal.

George Curneal is moving in with his mother in law, and that is something.

I'm thinking of leaving the church for another religion, I've studied on the religion and I think it's better for me than the LDS one.

I don't know how to explain to my parents that I'm leaving the church at my age.

I'm just worried that I'll get kicked out, or they won't love me anymore.

Is there any way to bring it up to them without making them extremely angry?

-Error

Error...

This thread has reached 60 posts, which is the point at which we close down almost all threads.

Please start a new thread...use the same title as this one, but add (Continued) to the end of the title...and repeat what you have said in this post.

I am closing this thread as soon as I post this.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 01/09/2018 04:03PM by Tevai.