Posted by:
Jesus Smith
(
)
Date: September 28, 2010 05:09PM
Someday, to stave the huge drop in positive image, the Corporate Church is going to have to get a new "revelation", like they did for blacks. It's going to be an uphill battle to convince members that all the tongue-wagging against gays was only because the Lard hadn't revealed his true will concerning them.
Here's a version of what OD-3 might look like. Post what you think it could say here.
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OFFICIAL DECLARATION—3
To Whom It May Concern (especially the IRS board meeting to decide our tax-exempt status):
On February 29, 2013, the First Presidency announced that a revelation had been received by President Yumas B. Kidden extending full membership, priesthood and temple blessings to all worthy members of the Church regardless of their reproductive persuasion and family orientation. After President Kidden received this revelation, which came to him after fasting, celibacy and extended massage sessions in the secret rooms of an unnamed temple, he presented it to his counselors, who accepted it and approved it with wide smiles. It was then presented to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, who approved it in the majority, with exception of Elders Boyd K. Packer and Ima B. Rasus, both of whom have declined to vote on the matter while recuperating in the hospital due to age-related illnesses. It was then presented to all other General Authorities, who likewise approved it in the majority after some members were escorted out of the general assembly hall due to age-related illnesses.
President Kidden has asked that I now read this letter:
To all general and local priesthood officers of The Corporate Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints throughout the world:
Dear Brethren:
As we have witnessed the reduction of church membership and tithing over the whole earth, we have concluded that the Lord now believes it is time to fully recognize all of his creation, including those who are unable to emotionally and spiritually fulfill the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth due to genetic tendencies toward such. It is our faith that many new converts will join the Church in ever-increasing numbers. This, in turn, has inspired us with a desire to extend to every class of member of the Church all of the privileges and blessings which the gospel affords, especially temple attendance and its accompanying full tithing requirement.
We are uniquely aware of the promises made (which you have not hitherto heard) by the prophets and presidents of the Church who have preceded us that at some time, in God’s eternal plan, all of our brethren who are worthy may receive the priesthood, and witnessing the faithfulness of those from whom the temple sealing has been withheld, we have pleaded long and earnestly in behalf of these, our faithful happy, musical and creative members, spending many hours in the secret rooms of the temple supplanting our own reproductive wishes that the Lord might grant us divine guidance before bursting our bladders.
He has heard our prayers, and by revelation has confirmed that the long-promised day has come when every faithful, worthy man and woman in the Church may receive the holy sealing and enjoy with his or her loved man or woman, every blessing that flows therefrom, including the blessings of paying a full tithe, cleaning the chapel and working in the nursery. Accordingly, all worthy and tithed members of the Church may be sealed in the temple without regard for bedroom practices, reproductive persuasions or family preferences. Priesthood leaders are instructed to follow the policy of carefully interviewing all candidates to insure that they meet the established standards for worthiness, such as attendance, cleaning and tithing.
We declare with soberness and uncrossed fingers that the Lord really did make known his will for the increasing of membership throughout the earth.
Gayfully yours,
Yumas B. Kidden
R. Wes Tupid
Chris P. Bacon
The First Presidency
Recognizing Yumas B. Kidden as the prophet, seer, and revelator, and president of The Corporate Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it is proposed that we as a constituent assembly accept this revelation as the word and will of the Lord. All in favor please signify by raising your right hand and waving coyly at the podium. Any opposed by the Tsk Tsk sign.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2010 05:26PM by Jesus Smith.