I’ve never been good with change, and any decision for me takes a long time to think over. Even while I am making purchases, I will agonize on whether I should actually buy something for weeks before I take the step to actually make the purchase. I am very calculated and I study and read constantly, so to this day, my conversion to Mormonism is shocking and can only be attributed to the fact that I was still suffering from a personal trauma.

I experimented in Mormonism in high school because I had lots of Mormon friends and it was a great place to be social, plus it was very interesting to me. As I continued to read into Mormonism I became more and more turned off by the sexism, the racism, and the homophobia, just to name a few. I was also sick and tired of lessons with the missionaries and I was sick of them asking me to be baptized, but I went off to college in the fall and with that I left Mormonism behind me.

I thought I was done forever when I got to school, and for the entire year, I was right. I had friends who I could be my liberal-non-modest self with and I was very happy. My year seemed to go very well until I was brutally attacked and raped by a close friend. When I returned home early from school I was a wreck and the only people home were all my Mormon friends, so naturally I flocked right back to the church ,and when I was asked if I would commit to be baptized I said yes and was baptized a week later. I was so in need of being in control of my life, having control over something, I chose to be baptized and little did I know, that the church would not help me get over my rape, or help me regain control over my life. I should have known though.

My friends could tell that something was wrong with me, I was no longer the girl accepting dates left and right, I was no longer the loud, energetic, adventurous and lovable Caitie they used to know. So finally I broke down and told one of my friends whom I was very very close to. Things started to get better and as the summer went on I started to become my normal self, so much in fact that I was distraught and almost caught off guard to see myself in the church again, in fact actually a member of the church. For the rest of the summer the Bishop kept me on a watch of some sort due to my associations that were “troubling”. I volunteered at Planned Parenthood and I worked for two gay men, and I was a vocal supporter of Gay rights on Facebook and social events outside of the church.

When everyone left to go back to school, I stayed home. I was not ready to return to my college yet and I was in no rush to do so. But once all my friends left, I stopped attending the church. In my absence I was often love bombed with cookies and scripture quotes and candles and assorted methods many Relief Societies tend to utilize. I left the church alone, but they didn’t leave me alone. Two weeks ago I received a call from my Bishop asking for an appointment to meet with me, and wanting him to call off the love bombs I consented.

When I arrived at the meeting he began with the typical small talk and then started asking me if I was following the law of chastity, the WoW and all of those regular questions. I was caught off guard but I answered all truthfully, that yes, I was following all those rules, because naturally they come to me, not because I was a practicing Mormon. His face grew angry and then he started to admonish me for lying to him, that he has heard from a reputable source that I have broken the law of chastity and have engaged in an abortion. He listed off such personal details I started to cry. He was reciting my rape experience, except in a way where I was the party to blame, the loose one. I was in complete shock that my friend had betrayed me so much, but also that my Bishop was blaming me for my rape. He was trying to tell me how I have disgraced my good name when I got up and left the meeting. So far he has tried to contact me since that meeting, but I am furious. At the moment I am in a state where I am not sure how to react to the church but I can’t say I am too surprised.

An angry bishop, who'd athunk it? :)

Sounds to me like a huge wake up call for you. I doubt that Moism can help you heal.

I think I already had my wake up call seeing what a bad mistake I made, no matter if i was still suffering from the attack or not. The meeting with the Bishop was something entirely different. I was shocked that not only a church official would say such awful things, but that a human being would blame a rape on the victim. I was curious if anyone else had ever been treated in a way similar?

I am soooooooo sorry to hear what you have been through, that is so scary and sad...

I think the church is false. But even still, there are nice bishops, and there are bishops that are just JERKS!!!!

Before I left the church, I had a TBM friend who was also raped by a gang of 5 men when she was 12. They broke into her house while her parents were away for the weekend. 2 years year after that, she had willing sex with 2 different boys a few weeks apart, simply because she wanted to have an experience where it was her CHOICE, and she had the power to give, or not give her consent. When she told her bishop (because she wanted to get her temple recommend to be married in the temple later), he was actually very sweet and understanding about it. He said,

"I don't really see this as you having a sinful heart... I think you were just acting out, because you were traumatized, and wanted to feel in control." He suggested counseling for the rape (which she never told her parents about), and forgave her for those 2 boys. Then gave her the temple recommend.

I'm not saying "find another ward with a nicer bishop and stay in the church", because I still think its a cult. I'm just saying, not all bishops are like that... Your bishop is a major jerk. wow.



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 12/16/2010 12:23PM by melissa3839.

Even without that flagrant and cruel example, this is not a religion for persons of the female half of humanity.

Has anyone been treated similarly by a bishop? Shall we just have a role call, because I know of SEVERAL people on here that could answer in the affirmative.

So I'll raise my hand first.



They won't leave you alone. Resign. Threaten legal action. Don't hang out with the mormon kids. It's hard, but it's worse staying anywhere close to those kinds of people.

Yup. Get away from it. Mormonism is far from healthy. All I ever felt was guilt growing up in the morg. They are masters of manipulation.

...(given the current mood that he's in) may convene a "Court of Love" (disciplinary hearing) over your situation. If he does, that would feel like a second violation. I would beat him to the punch and formally resign. There are instructions on this website for how to do so.

Mormon bishops are not trained counselors. They do not have degrees in counseling, pastoral counseling, psychology, divinity, or anything of the like. He is not qualified to counsel you in any way.

As you discovered, there is no privacy in the church. Tell one, tell all. I would find a new set of friends -- people who will respect you and keep your most private business as a personal confidence.

If you have not reported the rape to your campus police, I would urge you to do so. Although your best hope for a successful prosecution lies in reporting it quickly, there is value in reporting it later. If nothing else, it will give police a heads-up should the man in question do this again. Police are very familiar with acquaintance rape, date rape, etc. There was a man on my former campus who attacked half a dozen women. It took a while for police to put the pieces together and build a case against him, but they did.

If you are not yet receiving professional counseling, I would urge you do so.

This is so sad. The church has all control, they have control over you and the investigation. The have control over the members, they have control over your life.

This is not right, this is not right. this is not right, the Bishop should be banned from church.

Go to the police and victims right group please seek help with them! They will help you get the right information and counseling, not the Chruch. Again stay away from the church.

A common perception is that sexual purity is more important than your life (pretty good for a church that longs forthe return of polygamy) and some leaders have said that it is better to die in protecting yourself, and others have said they'd rather see their kids in a pine box that lose their virtue.

The problem starts at the very top of mormon leadership, and the bishops are just regular joes with no training and are given full approval for anything they think up. Thus, bishops like yours and bishops who are very kind and understanding are perfectly free to brand you with their personal judgements.

Nevertheless, you know and must reassure yourself the a victim is NEVER to blame. There is NEVER any excuse for rape or any type of sexual assault.

Your Bishop is wrong and I would encourage you to report him to a Stake President or even your area Seventy.

Here is something from the 1992 General Conference from an Apostle:


April 4,1992 - Apostle Richard G. Scott tells general conference that LDS women should avoid "morbid probing into details of past acts, long buried and mercifully forgotten," and that "the Lord may prompt a victim to recognize a degree of responsibility for abuse."

Among his concluding remarks: "Remember, false accusation is also a sin," and 'bury the past." Unspoken background to his remarks is that in recent years current stake presidents and temple workers have been accused of child abuse by their now adult children. Salt Lake Tribune reports that suicide prevention lines are swamped with telephone calls by women in days after Scott's remarks.

"The victim must do all in his or her power to stop the abuse. Most often, the victim is innocent because of being disabled by fear or the power or authority of the offender. At some point in time, however, the Lord may prompt a victim to recognize a degree of responsibility for abuse. Your priesthood leader will help assess your responsibility so that, if needed, it can be addressed. Otherwise the seeds of guilt will remain and sprout into bitter fruit. Yet no matter what degree of responsibility, from absolutely none to increasing consent, the healing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ can provide a complete cure."
- Apostle Richard G. Scott "Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse," General Conference, Ensign, May 1992

JoD3:360 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> April 4,1992 - Apostle Richard G. Scott tells
> general conference that LDS women should avoid
> "morbid probing into details of past acts, long
> buried and mercifully forgotten," and that "the
> Lord may prompt a victim to recognize a degree of
> responsibility for abuse."
>
> Among his concluding remarks: "Remember, false
> accusation is also a sin," and 'bury the past."
> Unspoken background to his remarks is that in
> recent years current stake presidents and temple
> workers have been accused of child abuse by their
> now adult children. Salt Lake Tribune reports that
> suicide prevention lines are swamped with
> telephone calls by women in days after Scott's
> remarks.
>
> "The victim must do all in his or her power to
> stop the abuse. Most often, the victim is innocent
> because of being disabled by fear or the power or
> authority of the offender. At some point in time,
> however, the Lord may prompt a victim to recognize
> a degree of responsibility for abuse. Your
> priesthood leader will help assess your
> responsibility so that, if needed, it can be
> addressed. Otherwise the seeds of guilt will
> remain and sprout into bitter fruit. Yet no matter
> what degree of responsibility, from absolutely
> none to increasing consent, the healing power of
> the atonement of Jesus Christ can provide a
> complete cure."
> - Apostle Richard G. Scott "Healing the Tragic
> Scars of Abuse," General Conference, Ensign, May
> 1992

what a load of horseshit!

I wonder if all of this pertains to Elizabeth Smart?

And now you know why I resigned.

I was raped at 15 by my 30-year-old, priesthood-holding stepbrother. He was never prosecuted. He was excommunicated. I was also put through a bishop's court (as a minor, with no parental guidance or supervision) and disciplined by the bishop. I believe I was put on probation (half a step down from disfellowship) for six months. After six months, I approached the bishop to ask to be reinstated. He told me he didn't think I'd forgiven myself yet and he'd reinstate me in a few months when he thought I'd properly repented. I remember blinking at that a few times and then asked, "Forgive myself for WHAT, exactly? I didn't take advantage of anyone; what do I have to forgive myself for?"

Because there is no reasonable answer to that question, he told me to pray for the answer to it, and left me standing there, boiling furious. I left the church as soon as I turned 18. When the Elizabeth Smart case came up, I heard Ed Smart say her bishop told her she was still pure and chaste. The double standard -- a cute, blonde, high-profile Utah mormon vs. a "mission field" kid who was the child of nobody parents -- the inconsistency in church policy, all of it brought back every bit of that white-hot livid rage at being blamed and punished for my own rape and made to feel like a filthy whore for not fighting to the death.

So yeah. It happens a lot. I'm sorry. Go to www.rainn.org, find yourself some counseling and if you think it's right for you, leave the church. Do not allow the bishop to try and convict you for this. He will. I would even consider retaining an attorney, if you can, and sue him for... something. Too bad "blame the victim" isn't against the law. You could sue for slander if you hear anything about your case from the ward grapevine. Or libel if you can get a copy of anything he wrote down and distributed (like copies of his notes from the interview).

The invasiveness and accusations are typical Mormon fare, the reason church leaders are dangerous to one's well being. To me it seems he doesn't believe you. He's probably offended that you told another girl in the church, that she might have believed you, that you're pulling one over on her innocence and covering up. It's all so damaging to be under the power of any authority figure like that. I'm sorry for your experience.

To your question, yes it seems that for centuries church leaders have treated victims of rape as being responsible for it. If that gives you any comfort, it's not personal to you. It's nothing about you that makes him question if you're at fault, it's his indoctrination that they have the only true doctrine on rape.

A few things you could do for self healing from this experience with the bishop. (Because if you let it linger you may not have closure for a long time.) Write an exit letter quitting the church, asking to be removed from membership, and not be contacted again. At the same time if you feel up to it send a letter to the bishop with a copy to the stake president telling him exactly what he just did to you, that you are resigning from membership and forbid him to contact you again, etc.

You write very beautifully and clear, by the way. Take care & be happy in the next stage of your life. You should enjoy college and your friends again.

Guess, I wasn't finished... To add, Catie, I don't have personal experience with this but I do have a friend whose sister in the 1970s was severely harmed by a similar situation.

She was 14 at the time and was gang raped by a group of boys from the neighborhood who were in her ward. No one reported it as a rape but rather told her that she had brought it on herself and that she needed to tell the bishop. The bishop and her parents treated it as something she was responsible for. Even though she had been very innocent at the time and completely traumatized. (Which goes without saying but still...)

From then on no one protected her from the emotional harm of having to see the boys at school and at church every week. She developed severe mental illness and ended up in a psychiatric hospital in her early twenties where they messed her up worse because then she got drugged and treated like a psychiatric patient rather than a victim of a traumatic event. She spent years in the hospital. Finally in her 50s she realized she doesn't believe in the Mormon church, broke free despite her family all being active and started to have some clear thoughts about what had happened to her.

The one true doctrine of rape has done enormous harm since Mormonism has been around.

Not only have I heard of something like this before, but on the ex-Mormon boards, I've heard it too many times. It's heartbreaking and it has made me heartily hate the church that I once loved.

General Authorities are the ones who have counselled that in the case of rape, the extent of the victim's responsibility must be determined, to know how they themselves need to repent.

It's disgusting! Stories like this have ensured that I will never even consider being a Mormon again.

Sweetheart, this organization is a good ole boys club. My eyes were opened when I worked for it, and realized just how lowly women are thought of. That's what made me leave.

Let it open your eyes and walk away. You may begin to slowly heal the moment you take back your own power and walk away. It may take a long time, and I'm so sorry you went through what you did.

In the meantime, find whatever you need need to do to help yourself to begin to heal. Therapy, meditation, long walks - perhaps all of the above. Whatever it takes.

Just don't let those bastards in that good old boys club make you think that they own you and your eternal destiny, because they don't. They're just a corporation which wants your money. I discovered that too when I worked for them.

They're selling their version of eternity, which is only one of many such philosophies across the world, and the LDS version will only cost you 10% of your gross income.

My own self-worth began to heal the moment I walked away. It's a beginning.

Wholly shit? I would definitely put that Bishop in his place. Either refuse to ever speak to him again (that might send the louder message), or if you do talk to him, tell hiim curtly that a. his accusations were out of the Victorian era, and that he has no idea what really happened and b. he is never, ever tocall you again, or risk a lawsuit.

I sincerely hope you can find some PTSD or other trauma counselling, wherever you live or whatever else you are doing--so that you can get the proper, professional help and guidance and live the happy life that you so deserve!

Wishing you all the very best...

You need non-LDS rape counselling to work through the rape/betrayal.Call a crisis center.

RESIGN from Mormonism!!

When the morg gets involved in human problems they generally make things worse, never better.

Your "friend" in the church betrayed you to make herself look good at your expense.She probably told others beside the bishop.
This bishop is an ass who lacks common sense.

GET THESE PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE!
You don't owe them anything.

I'm just saying that the Mormon church has a doctrine that the victim, particularly if the victim is a woman, shares the blame and is at least partially at fault. This is one major reason for which Mormonism is not really Christian. Get out of it now. You have seen what it does to you.

I'm so sorry for your experience. The world should be better. I'm very close to a person who submitted herself to a man who raped and abused her repeatedly. She accepts all the blame and believes she had to keep doing it because he was "the priesthood holder." That's how bad Mormonism is.

So do I understand this correctly? He is mad at you for, in his view, breaking the law of chastity, an event that occurred before you were baptized? Does the mormon Jesus have power to wash away sins and remember them no more? Evidently not.

The lack of logic in mormon thinking and the lack of congruency always seems to surprise me, but alas, because it is not true, what can you really expect?

I think you now know that mormon priesthood has no power of discernment. Their warped world view makes them think they have super powers, and they do a lot of damage as they engage in activities best kept in a "pretend" daydream mode, where the belief in super powers belongs.

I hope you find the help you need to work through this. The only responsibility you have in that event, as I see it, is to make sure that that punk will not ultimately destroy you. Good luck to you.

I hope you have brought prosecution against your attacker. If not, do so.

Saddly with the Mormon mind, if you didn't valiently defend yourself In the fucked up logic of Mormonism, you wanted it. What a sick religion.

What a Jerk! You deserve to be mad and upset. Bishops have given me horrible advice in their one-on-one meetings. They aren't inspired or trained (well they do go to training but it isn't the right kind of training). It sounds like he heard some things, made some assumptions, worked himself up and then exploded on you.

I recommend talking to a trained professional. The professional part precludes bishops or lds social services. What happened wasn't your fault and the last thing you need right now is the church and their guilt.

If it were me, I wouldn't have anything to do with the church in the future. My experience is they use guilt like a tool to keep you in line your ENTIRE life. They never put down that tool because it is so effective. Leave.

I hope you can find peace. All the best...

You have access to a computer - you can find it easily. PLEASE do this. IGNORE what the stupid bishop says. Get real help for yourself. If you need someone to hold your hand or go with you, any one of us on RFM will gladly step up to help.

My email addy, if you need anything: winecountrylass@yahoo.com

Mormon leaders have no training in counseling. They assume that because they have the priesthood they can effectiveky give counsel. This is a load of bs.

I would suggest you leave mormonism and find a true loving community to be part of.

You wouldn't be the first rape victim to be disciplined.

http://packham.n4m.org/leaving.htm

You can do it by email now, or send a letter to headquarters so your Bishop can't stall on it.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please talk it over with someone you can trust. Professional counselors are great for this. You've been violated twice now, and both experiences need sorting out.

I was raped by a Missionary while his companion looked out for him in case anyone came by. I went to the bishop and I was admonished for ruining a missionary. He raped me while my baby was in the bath. Then he joked that he wouldn't make a good husband because I told him it lasted all of 2 minutes once he had me pinned down.Who jokes like that after a rape?!!!

That night they swooped in and moved him to the MP's house and he flew home a few days later. They refused to give me his contact details in the states or any way to be able to go to police and have that monster punished. The MP and Bishop and the SP all asked me if I needed anything. I was actually offered a tidy sum of money to keep my mouth shut. I was never able to do anything to him because the Church protected him. I was raped and he was protected and following that I was told I could not take the Sacrament. They were blaming me for sexually turning on the Missionary. I was hit and raped and it was all my fault.

That was the end for me with LDS inc.

Oops I meant in the first paragraph the Bishop joked he wouldn't make a good husband because the actual act of penetration lasted all 2 minutes. Sick sick sick to joke about!

They wonder why exmos can't just move on from their harmless little Christian faction. Because of this kind of evil that is pervasive and protected in Mormonism. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

My first DW, who sadly died a year into our marriage, was raped before we were married. Her father, a TBM stake patriarch, called her to repentence and sent her to the bishop, who disciplined her. When she told me of all this, I was shocked and disgusted. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough for either of us to realize that the Morg is all BS.

This deserves to be shouted out to the media about how hateful, misogynistic, and un-friggin-fair the so-called family friendly church REALLY is!

I wish I knew someone in the media.

I am so disgusted by this. I haven't been to a mormon church in 14 years, and wasn't really concerned about resigning. The more I read about this church, the more sick I become. I will definitely be sending a letter.

I am so sorry for all of you that have had to go through a situation like this. It makes me want to go to my old church for fast and testimony meeting and bear my version of a testimony. I don't think they'd like it, though.

I don't even have to meet him. That man is truly messed up. You did not deserve that type of spiritual and mental abuse. No one does.

If it were me, I'd write a letter formally resigning from the Mormon organization. It's the only way to get them to leave you alone. And, I'd threaten to get a restraining order against the bishop if he so much as speaks to you again. He's clearly mentally unwell and you don't need that kind of poison in your life again. Good luck.

Making your own decisions and taking control of your own situation is really important. You need to do what is best for you. I'm so sorry you had to go through all these betrayals.

I think Caitie has had a three terrible experiences. The rape, the betrayal of her "friend" and shabby treatment by her bishop after having heard and believing a rape story told to him by a third party.

Caitie has not said that she wants to resign from the church. I think that some of the responses by posters have jumped to condemning conclusions of both the church and the bishop and are advising Caitie respond in a very extreme way.

I am not saying Caitie should stay in the church. Maybe she should resign. But that's her choice and she hasn't said she wants to.

That said, she absolutely needs professional counseling.

And the bishop most certainly needs to be set straight.

Caitie, did you counter any of his arguments? I'm not saying defend yourself. I'm saying simply asking the bishop why he would take a story from a 3rd party as the truth without asking what happened by the person at the center of it?

This is the deal. The Church ain't going away. That man could be a bishop for up to 5 more years. Because of the policies of the church he's been put in a position where he's making judgements of members and counseling them and he has absolutely no credentials in this area. He needs to be informed that what he's done is absolutely inappropriate and destructive because he'll probably be facing another victim of a sex crime before his tenure is done and that person shouldn't have to face what Caitie has.

Aside from the above mentioned, the biggest problem here is the LDS church has a policy of putting untrained men into positions as clergy and counselors when they don't know what the hell they're doing.

I don't see the church's actions as evil or corrupt. Just really, really stupid. And because of these stupid policies many (Caitie included) are suffering really traumatic experiences.

Can you get a professional counselor or a lawyer to talk with the bishop on your behalf? The counselor could talk with the bishop about what it means to be a rape victim and could give him a good reaming (and you wouldn't have to be involved if you didn't want to).

Obviously somebody needs to set this bishop straight, and he's not likely to listen to a 20-something member of his ward. If you bring the Stake President in on it, there's a good chance the SP would side with the bishop. But if you have the counselor step in to discuss the issues, maybe somebody might listen?

Anon4this said: "I don't see the church's actions as evil or corrupt..."
*****************************

I do.

Evil AND corrupt, especially knowing how they have often defended rapists and abusers and thrown victims and survivors in the trash. This is an evil church.

Hey,
All of the things you have been subjected to are really shitty.
Just remember that no matter what anyone says IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! AND DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!
I think a good healing step for you would be to go back into that Bishop's office and tell him to shove it (anyway you want to) You deserve to feel good about yourself and to take back control. I hope this helps. Remember, You deserve to be in control of your life.

and it sounds like Mo-ism isn't a spiritual home for you. You sound too kind and open-minded to be comfortable in the Church. It would just be to much work with zero payoff. So why do it?

Just my .02.


Sorry about what's happened to you. Hope your healing continues.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/16/2010 01:53PM by badseed.

Who you chose or not chose to have sex with as an adult is your business and your business alone, not some bishop's.

Thanks for all the encouragement guys, it is really helpful and wonderful to have all the support from you guys.
I am heartbroken to see that other people have gone through same situations with the church, which is another reason why I am going to resign. I've been wanting to resign for a while, but it's been difficult because I know I will lose whatever little social life I have now. But I know, it's time for me to step away forever. Again, you guys are wonderful.

Yes, my little sister. And although I was not molested like my little sister, my step dad (worthy priesthood leader) used to unlock the bathroom door with a screw driver to watch me and my sisters take showers. Did not know this was happening until I caught him.

My mom took this from the bishop to the stake president to the apostle (Monson at the time), and they all did nothing, and the AH that did this remained in his stake calling.

The AH actually told me that I wasn't actually molested since my step dad only watched me taking showers! WTF??? Does that seems like a normal and acceptable activity for an adult to do to a child? I was 13.


NOT ONE of them asked us to go to the police, no, they covered it up as a church matter. What is the problem with a church that does not request victims of rape and molestation to go to the proper authorities? A church that in fact protects the abuser, not the abused? The bishop was sympathetic, but the AH stake pres asked us to pray and forgive!

Now that I am not a child I wish I could go back and go postal on him, just to scare him silly. How I would love to hear of a story where someone did just that. Anyone want to make my day and tell me one? Where you just exploded and went insane on that kind of a Jerk?

By the way, it took me 18 years but I did go to the police. My little sister never did.

I warned you...




it's coming...




that's fucking bullshit