Recovery Board  : RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum. 
Go to Topic: PreviousNext
Go to: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In
Posted by: Lydia ( )
Date: July 27, 2012 05:07AM

I dont want this to be long and boring, but wanted to post my 'thoughts'
I am confused over my membership in the Church and have been reading here for awhile.
I have good friends and have never found any of the nastiness that some of you seem to have encountered. Well some, but I think these people would have been like that whether members or not.
Having' discovered' some of the history of the church it makes me very sad and I feel like a whole part of my life has been wiped out and I am in limbo. Sometimes I want my ignorant self back.
On top of that I have an only child about to leave home for university and changes in both my and my husbands jobs, I know these are not big compared to others lives.
So do I keep going to church, something that is familiar, be humble and try to regain what I feel I have lost or jump?
My natural reaction in that past would have been to talk to leaders and friends about this, but we all know that would not end well.
Thank you for letting me put some thoughts down

Options: ReplyQuote
Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: summer ( )
Date: July 27, 2012 10:01AM

Welcome to the board, Lydia.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: July 27, 2012 07:42PM

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Surrender Dorothy ( )
Date: July 27, 2012 06:21AM

Hi Lydia. Welcome to the board!

Just discovering that we've been lied to either by omission or commission by people we've trusted *is* big. Just because it isn't as explosive as some have experienced doesn't mitigate the hurt and feelings of betrayal.

All the changes you are experiencing are stressors even if the list didn't include discovering truths about your belief system, so be kind to yourself.

If you haven't seen the movie "The Matrix," I highly recommend it. Yeah, it's rated "R." If you've read here where people talk about the red pill or the blue pill, it's a reference in that movie that directly relates to your desire to "unknow" what you've discovered. I'm a movie person, so seeing movies that had strong parallels to discovering truths and breaking free of a controlling environment was empowering for me. In case you are a movie person, I'd also recommend "The Truman Show," "Pleasantville," and "The Village." Those three are rated PG or PG-13, if that matters to you.

I'm happy for you that most of your relationships and interactions with Mormons have been good ones, and I hope they continue to be. You might want to prepare for the possibility that the fangs may come out if/when they discover your disaffection with Mormonism. It doesn't make them bad people, but they have been programmed and conditioned to fear, pity, and reactivate "apostates."

I hope you stick around and continue to ask questions, share your story, and add your perspective to the mix.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2012 06:22AM by Surrender Dorothy.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: fidget ( )
Date: July 27, 2012 06:53AM

Welcome :)

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: gladtobeme ( )
Date: July 27, 2012 08:38AM

I know how you feel... I never had any particularly terrible experiences either like some have, but simply learned that it just isn't true. A lot of people feel like you, that it was easier to follow, and have the thinking done for you, but once you learn the truth, you can't un-know it! There is nowhere to go but forward. But I think that the more you learn, the easier that will be to do. The more you know, the more sure you will be. I guess you have probably already started with the basics, like Richard Packham's website, and the YouTube video "Top Ten Mormon Problems Explained". Good Luck on your journey, and I hope to see you around this board again soon!

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: escapee ( )
Date: July 27, 2012 08:47AM

What the others have said is spot on. I would add also, as a good website to visit.
Take it slow and be kind to yourself.


Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Stray Mutt ( )
Date: July 27, 2012 08:49AM

I recommend stepping away for a while -- a few months -- in order to get away from the constant indoctrination and reinforcement, away from the people telling you what to believe. Turn off the church's noise machine so you can think. Get some perspective. It's hard to analyze a situation when you're caught up in the middle of it.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Mnemonic ( )
Date: July 27, 2012 09:51AM

Welcome to the board.

Don't make any rash decisions. Take your time and think about the consequences of your actions.

Do what's right for you. You are the only person you should be concerned about. If or when you leave you will find that some people will be very angry at you. That is their problem, not yours. Your true friends will understand.

I like the red pill / blue pill analogy from the Matrix movie, but now that you know that you've been lied to, can you ever forget that? Don't you want to know what else they've lied to you about? Can you really forgive and forget and go on beliving everything they tell you? I couldn't. How about you?

Good luck to you in whatever path you choose to follow.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: lydia ( )
Date: July 27, 2012 09:55AM

Thank you, lovely people, for your thoughts. Plenty for me to think over and plenty of steps to take.
I appreciate your time more than you know.
All I can say is watch this space

Thank you

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: lydia ( )
Date: July 28, 2012 11:42AM

Again, thank you all. You are so kind with your comments and so unjudgemental, but straight in your advise.
I think, take it slow, study and most of all be good to me ( the hardest part!) is what I have picked up on
Thank you and see you around.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: americangirl406 ( )
Date: July 27, 2012 10:09AM

If you do go back to church, Don't try to force any feelings, that will only cause you pain. Take your time, yes, but like you said you can't get your ignorant self back.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: robertb ( )
Date: July 27, 2012 10:25AM

In spite of the way we sound here at times, the world isn't divided into Mormon/ex-Mormon. :-) I second the advice to take your time. Notice what make you feel more alive, happier, more connected to yourself and to other people, and follow that.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: The Oncoming Storm - bc ( )
Date: July 27, 2012 10:34AM

Hi Lydia,

You are in an interesting spot on your journey that many/most of us can relate to. As others have said you don't have to rush to figure this all out.

One thing you have asked is if you should go back and try to regain what you have lost. I went that route. More than once. I could feel the spirit, but I could never really recapture it because in the back of my mind the truth was still there. I could try to mask it & hide it, but the truth was still there.

However, when you are ready to walk through the door and forget about what you have lost (I don't deny you have lost something even though it was based on something that is not true) you will find that what you gain is much better than what you left behind.

Whether you keep attending is a very personal decision based on your circumstances, the impact on your family, timing, etc. Over time you will likely find it is more and more painful to continue to end.

Also another thing will likely shift with time. For a long time I thought of the Mormon church overall being not true but still being a very good thing with a few bad apples. Over time I have come to see it different - that there very structure and organization of the church causes the members to behave in bad ways that they normal would not - it's not a black/white thing, but there are very definite problems that push people to behave negatively.

One of those problems is that the local lay clergy - e.g bishops are given way to much power and authority. Members are basically taught that these people represent Christ. Sometimes that is OK when the bishop is a good person. Unfortunately, all to often, the church is empowering an abuser.

One bit of personal advice. If you are still paying tithing, stop doing it or at least minimize it as soon as possible. The time will come when you will be very upset about the money you have been scammed out of. The money that you paid during the transition period will hurt the most - I speak from personal experience.

Keep learning. If you haven't already seen them I highly recommend these:

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2012 10:34AM by bc.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: honestone ( )
Date: July 27, 2012 12:42PM

You say you discovered some things ... well, are they troubling you??? If so, do not keep going to a church you are troubled with. Let some time go by and you will know if you are better off without the Mormon religion. People should not attend any organization because of friends there. They should go because they want to SUPPORT it. Period. And yes, stop your tithing - until your decision is sure.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: romy ( )
Date: July 27, 2012 09:13PM

The inital feelings of realizing the history is troubling (more like inexcusable) and the religion you have been living is not what you thought it was can suck. Sadness, like you mentioned, betrayal, wondering how you will reconcile all of it with family etc that you know have certain expectations of you, and more. Those feelings suck.

In my opinion the upside is still better than the downside when you realize you are on a path now for truth, that your life can be more authentic without lies from a cult in it, that the decisions you make can really be YOURS and not what an organization tells you they should be. Best of luck and welcome to the board!

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: absolutelyunsure ( )
Date: July 28, 2012 03:37AM

Lydia welcome! I too am a newcomer, but because of close (in relationship and distance) I don't feel I can just least not yet. I do find myself a little jealous of your chance to move. You should use this time to start new in every matter, maybe you could try not going to church a few weeks to see how you felt, or maybe you find that in a new ward you find friendship that you need. My advice is to do what you feel, but to use new things in your life to truly gage it. I like to compare things like this to a bad dating relationship, sometimes we know it is not going to work but the familar is comfortable so we stay with it for a while.
Either way you decide make the decision for you.
Glad you are here.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: ambivalent exmo ( )
Date: July 28, 2012 10:31AM

Welcome, welcome,
Rfm is a safe place to:
ask ANY questions and get honest , sometimes uncomfortably honest answers....
Rant/vent if you need to...
its a lifesaver when comfort is needed.....
Hilarious when loud laughter is needed....
A community of friends who really understand.

I hope you'll visit often, and realize that you are not alone:)

I'm glad you are here!

The advice already given is great. Mormonthink is a fantastic resource, I actually know my doctrine better now than I ever did as a church member. Weird, eh? But knowledge is power.
So glad you are here, and remember:
It gets easier.
It's ok not to be perfect, well take you just as you are :)

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: CA girl ( )
Date: July 28, 2012 11:58AM

I never got much nastiness from Mormons before I left the church. Sure, there were some snotty people - but that is true in any church. And there were some people so wrapped up in their pioneer heritage and their fringe Mormon beliefs that I found them confusing but again, you'll find people like that everywhere. What was hard for me regarding the people was the way people who had been my friends for years didn't even ask me why I quit going to church before they made up lies that made me look bad and gossiped about me. This may have to do with the ward/stake I live in but it was still shocking to see people who claimed to follow Jesus profoundly turn their backs on his teachings. Very eye-opening. But until I left, I never really had a complaint with the people or the church. I left because the church lied to me and lied about a lot of things and I didn't feel I could stay. I'm much happier being out of the church.

That being said, it took me a while to leave. If there are things in your life in flux right now, keep attending and keep reading. Slowly pull back from the extra activities. Skip a Sunday or two and go to the lake. Start doing non-LDS activities: take a cooking class, pursue a hobby, make new friends by volunteering at a local charity. Slowly expand your life, rather than cut ties. And if you wear garments, take them off at night and when you aren't around Mormons. That alone will make you feel more like you are designing your own life. But there are people who go along for years with Mormonism but do it on their own terms. But keep reading everything you can on Mormonism because they can suck you back in with the emotional stuff and knowledge will help you keep your perspective. One last point, a cup of coffee or tea occasionally will help if you are feeling too drowned by Mormonism. My husband's family are old-school, backwoods Mormons and I usually have a cup of coffee before I go over there, otherwise their faith-building rumors would drive me insane.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: shannon ( )
Date: July 28, 2012 12:18PM

Honestly, you don't have to make up your mind about all your issues today. Use your transition time to step back from full activity and take a break.

Keep reading. Keep studying. Hang with us for a while. It will all sort itself out eventually, I promise.

(And for GAWD'S SAKE, don't let your college-aged kid go on a mission!!)


Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Lydia ( )
Date: July 28, 2012 12:41PM


He has already said, education first!

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: diableavecargent ( )
Date: July 28, 2012 12:57PM

My undoing came by asking myself 'qui bono'? Who benefits by me believing this? I found there is a lot of money involved, and control by being a follower of his and many other things secular, and "religious".

I have not been the same since, and your acceptance of your understanding does not need to change any sooner than you can. Work within the limits of your ability to sanely accept your new understanding of reality.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: robertb ( )
Date: July 28, 2012 01:22PM

That's a good question. I asked it, too. "Follow the money," so to speak. Realizing that my belief and participation was *voluntary* was also an "Ah ha!" moment.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: diableavecargent ( )
Date: July 28, 2012 01:30PM

That same mindset has led to a political awakening in me as well. I don't think there is much worth believing in anymore. All seems tainted.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: robertb ( )
Date: July 28, 2012 01:34PM

I try to not be too disappointed about things being "tainted." That has always been. There is beauty, too, and goodness in things and if we can support that we are doing something meaningful. Things change, sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better.

Your comment leads me to think you are a disappointed idealist. I think there are a lot of us here :-)

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: ambivalent exmo ( )
Date: July 28, 2012 02:17PM

Discovering & pulling off the blinders of the ld$inc. lie
led me to be suspicious of ANY large organization that purports to be "beneficial".
Governments/political organizations
banking industry
Any organized religion
basically any organization that claims to know better than the serfs it "represents".
Whether a gift or a curse, I cannot unlearned the truths I've found.

Options: ReplyQuote
Go to Topic: PreviousNext
Go to: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In

Screen Name: 
Your Email (optional): 
Spam prevention:
Please, enter the code that you see below in the input field. This is for blocking bots that try to post this form automatically.
 ********  **     **  ********  **        ******** 
    **      **   **   **        **        **       
    **       ** **    **        **        **       
    **        ***     ******    **        ******   
    **       ** **    **        **        **       
    **      **   **   **        **        **       
    **     **     **  ********  ********  **