What's your opinion on how to balance the needs of loved ones with your own needs when dealing with grief?

I don't handle loss well *at all*. Dad died suddenly yesterday and I don't want to go to the funeral. Funerals are, for me, pouring salt in the wound. I would rather run off and do something, anything, to take my mind off the fact that my Dad is gone. Rest of the family is TBM and wants me there. It's not that my family is preachy -- they have been very tolerant of the fact that the LDS Church wasn't for me, even though I know it hurts them that I "messed up their eternal family." Dad was the best dad in the world - though he was very devout in his LDS beliefs, I never once doubted that he loved me the same as he always did after I quit being mormon. It's not that I think the funeral will be overly preachy - Dad was quite private about his religious convictions. It's just that I've lost loved ones and skipped the funeral and lost loved ones and gone to the funeral and my heavy preference is to skip it. I think they make it hurt worse.

So what do you think? Do I have to go for the sake of the rest of my family, who want me there? Or am I justified in dealing with this in my own way? I loved him so much and I can't stand to think about the fact that he's gone with the holidays looming and everything. I'd rather drug myself into oblivion with sleeping pills and hibernate or just go anywhere as far away as possible from the funeral and do something that will make me forget for a while.

I'd suggest making that clear to your family and then put that behind you.

Also, sorry for your loss.

Even though you don't "owe" them an explanation, I would be more prone to maybe expressing some of what you have said to us here...death and dying changes people...families in particular. If they have been open and accepting of your new beleifs/lack thereof, then I see no reason to ostracize them by not letting them know your deep sorrow and feelings about funerals in general.

Maybe spend the day doing something you and your dad enjoyed together...like a hike/fishing, etc...or something you yourself enjoy doing in solitude that is peaceful for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss...

I know you how you feel. You are not alone, as many of us will or have faced a similar scenario. When my TBM mother passes, and God forbid, it will be many years, but when she does - I will not attend a mormon funeral for her, and if I am in control of the funeral, I will not have a mormon funeral for her. I believe mormon funerals are in part, a promo for the cult and joe smith, and they are disrespectful to the deceased and moarning family members. Since is sounds like you are not making the decisions for the funeral, consider doing your own thing. Who's to say that their funeral is the only means and way that a funeral must be done? Your own time with him, perhaps with other friends and family can be your own special time of reflection and veneration. Like you, I would die to have to attend a mormon funeral for my parents. I couldn't stomach it. Don't go. Do your own thing for him.

And you have every right to skip the funeral and don't owe an explanation to your family. In fact, the process of trying to explain might be more painful than attending the funeral.

That said, if you do skip it be aware that you may pay for skipping it with unfriendly comments from your family for many years in the future. It's possible they will be really mean at times and those comments will always come at an unexpected moment and will surprise, shock and hurt you. In fact, your skipping the funeral could cause a rift in your family that may never be mended. This might be the straw that breaks the otherwise "tolerant" camel's back.

If you're ok with whatever the outcome is, go ahead a skip it if that works for you.

Full disclosure: I skipped my father's funeral (wait, that's right, I wasn't invited but I would have skipped it had I been.) But my father was most definitely not a nice man.

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. I really hate funerals. I think to attend or not to attend is a very personal choice. However, I still attend funerals from time to time if I want to show support to the loved ones.

I would tell my family that it has nothing to do with your feelings about the church, you just cannot bring yourself to face a funeral. Just be sure that you are dealing with your loss in some way. Again, my deepest condolences to you.

I would stress to the family that you aren't skipping it because it's a MORMON funeral, you're skipping it because it's a funeral and you don't handle those well.

Funerals aren't for the dead, they are for the living left behind...they are designed to bring closure for the family and friends of the deceased. If they don't do that for you, don't go. Everyone grieves in their own way.

I forgot to say I am so sorry for your lost. I lost my dad suddenly to a heart attack almost two years ago. The shock of a sudden passing is a very difficult thing to deal with. Sending kind thoughts your way.

i agree with DW....you must grieve in your way. If the family will make you uncomfortable then don't go. Perhaps it would be the Bishop or whoever -what if they get preachy about those who are "lost". I would not go, but that is just me. Be sure to tell family that it is the funeral itself that is upsetting to you and you wish to remember DAD in your own way without all that ceremony.

So sorry to hear about your loss. You know yourself better than anyone else; if opting out of the funeral is what you need to do, then let your family know. I was especially close to my dad; lost him years ago but I still miss him and treasure the memories I have. I hope your family will be understanding and supportive of your decision.

I only know what you have told us about your family relations, but I'd like to put this thought forward:

It might be a very kind thing for you to do for your family to go to the funeral, or at least be there for the pre-service final prayer and farewell. You could say good-bye and skip the funeral if you don't feel up to it.

Maybe I am wrong, but I think it is an important part of grieving to participate in the ritual of farewell. Don't cut yourself off from people who love you.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. We tried to keep the Mormon stuff to a minimum with both of my parents' funerals, but both times they were hijacked by a do-gooder--but only for a few minutes. Even at my son's funeral a TBM got in a bit of gospel preaching. I think he would have laughed about it.

All the best to you--this is a difficult time. My Dad died 11 years ago and I still miss him even though we weren't close.

Don't let the fact it is a Mormon funeral affect your decision. I've been to funerals for Methodist, and Catholics and it didn't turn me into one. Dyslexic is right, it's not for your dad, it's for your mom and family. If you don't think you can handle the funeral, why don't you see if there is another way you can support your family. Sometimes people target the Obits to see when the funeral is, and rob the home. Maybe you could watch the house for them? After the funeral is over and everyone goes back to their life, you could take a week off and help your mom fight off loneliness, and pack a few of your dads things away for her. If the caskets and arrangements have not been already made, I know from experience it is helpful to have someone help the widow, GENTLY realize that it will be covered in dirt in a few days so we don't have to get the most expensive one to prove how much we loved him. There are other ways to help and support the family than going to a funeral....however, druging yourself with sleeping pills is not one of them. I lost my Dad to cancer 2 years ago, and I know the pain you are going through. Helping my family and Mom get through it was my way of honoring my fathers memory. I even stood at the mormon pulpit to give his eulogy.


I'm sorry for your loss, sad.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's very difficult.

My view is to go to the funeral for YOU not for anyone else.
Accept what you can, and ignore the rest. It's just a couple of hours of your time. It can be your personal tribute to your father. Look for what brings your peace and let the rest go.

I've been to funerals in other religions. It's how I show my respects to the deceased. It has nothing to do with my beliefs religious or otherwise.

I am sorry for your loss.

I lost my dad a few years ago, and fortunately, his side of the family aren't all active mormons. So, we had the funeral at a funeral home without the religious overtones.

However, I've also recently been to some mormon ones. They are church meetings, just like sacrament meetings, (only without the bread and water.) "Hijacked" comes to mind -- using the deceased as a reason to have another meeting.

I usually still go, suck it up, and tolerate it - and subsequently offer condolences personally.

It's a tough call, and your situation is unique for you.

Best wishes in whatever decision you make.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/22/2010 04:48PM by jpt.

I skip them when I can. When it's immediate family I usually go anyway. Not for me, but for the rest of the family. I may not need to gather in a group morning ritual, but others may need it and if I can help I'm happy to do so. I'm not saying you should go, just offering something to think about as you decide.

I hope I can be the kind of dad that my children will miss when my time comes. The praise you offer your father speaks volumes about the kind of man he was. I'm sorry you lost him.

Stunted.

I'm sorry for your loss. My parents are getting up in years as my dad just turned 80 and my mom is 76. I have been out of the church for 4 years now. Our son is very TBM. He was married in the temple just before we left the church, so we were able to go to the wedding, but he has had 3 children since then, which means baby blessings. When my husband and our other 5 children left the church, we never wanted to go to a Sacrament meeting again. It made me sick just to think of listening to the crap they had been dishing out to me for 44 years of my life. But out of respect for our son, we have gone to all 3 blessings. The last baby was just born in Oct., so we had to go to the blessing this month. I wanted to be there to support my son, but I couldn't just sit there listening to the lies that go on and the testimonies of Joseph Smith, so I did what I had to do to survive. I took my ipod with me that has my kindle books on it so that I didn't have to listen to the mormon's testimonies, but I was there physically so my son knew I supported him. I'm not sure all of your history, but this might be an option for you. I will definitely be there for my parent's funerals even though it may be hard to do. If they get preachy I will have my ipod handy. I hear the mormon funerals are getting less & less about the person who died and are getting more preachy.

then do something for yourself later to honor him in a way that's meaningful to you.

It was expected, he was 92 and his health was failing . He had battled a rare type of cancer for over 3 years. He was young for his age and physically active up until the cancer. Mentally sharp up to the end. But losing him has been harder than I thought as he was a good Dad and treated people well regardless of their religion or opinions.

When I read your post, I thought "wow" I don't remember writing this.

You need to go to the funeral. It sounds like your dad was a good decent guy. See if you can help plan it & get speakers who will talk about your dad.

I hate funerals and viewings but it was important for my family & my mom to grieve in the traditional way; it is what my dad would have wanted.

For the most part, the funeral was about him and not mormonism.

There were a couple things i knew would bother me-- like the bishop "presiding" and his testimony remarks at the end.

But I am really glad I went.

...there is absolutely nothing that will take your mind off the fact that your dad is dead. For the next few weeks, this will be your 24/7 constant companion. I hate to say it, but it's true. The only relief that you will get will be the first few moments when you wake up in the morning. Then you remember, and the rest of the day is crap. There's just no getting around it.

So with that said, I would go to the funeral. Take an ipod with you if you need to tune out for awhile. Somewhere in that mass of humanity there will be at least one person, maybe a complete stranger to you (but a friend of your dad's) who totally, totally gets what you're going through, and is able to communicate same. The memory of that kind, compassionate person will stay with you for the rest of your life.

The good news is that after a few weeks, the pain will start to lift for at least some periods of time. This will come as a very deep relief to you, and at the same time may also make you feel guilty that you are not feeling sad. With time, those periods of relief will lengthen.

While you are grieving, give yourself a lot of latitude, and a lot of mental pats on the back. You were able to do a load of laundry? You wonderful person you! You were able to fix yourself lunch? Yay, you! You're going to have to give yourself a lot of love and a lot of positive self-talk to get through this time.

Do whatever you need to do to feel better. Go see a movie, get a massage, or whatever. Be good to yourself. You deserve it.

Eventually it will get better. You will heal, and you WILL be happy again. I promise it.

It is genuinely lousy to lose a parent near Christmas. It happened to me. Sometimes it helps to do something totally different that Christmas. My brother and I went from chilly New England to sunny southern California for an impromptu vacation. It was just what the doctor ordered.

Christmas may be tainted for awhile for you, but eventually that fades as well.

Hang in there. You will get through this. Hugs to you!

If it were me, I'd go to the funeral because someday, down the road, you might regret it.

I'd just figure this was one way to honor my father, regardless of his religion or the religiong of anyone at the funeral.

I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Best to you.

I am very sorry for your loss. My father died five years ago after a long struggle with Alzheimer's, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss him.

I have to say that I noticed who was at my father's funeral and who was not. One of my sisters-in-law and one of my nieces chose not to attend. It hasn't changed my relationship with them but their absence did hurt.

I hope you can go to the funeral for the sake of the rest of your family, but if you really can't, please make it clear to your family that you're not boycotting it and that you share their grief.

I'm so sorry about your Dad. Mine passed away 30 years ago and it still hurts. He wasn't Mormon and his funeral was preached by a Baptist preacher. I've heard a few funerals that offered comfort, but my Dad's was a disaster. I was there because it's part of my Southern culture and because my Mom needed me.

If you decide not to attend, it might help to do something for others at this time of the year. In most cities charities are busy and they'd be glad to have your help. That would be a wonderful memorial for your Dad.

Ouch. This is so sad. :-(

My dad died a couple of years ago and I too debated whether or not to go to the funeral. I'm not mormon, nor is my family, so there isn't that aspect.

I wanted to go to support my Mom yet I'm quite introverted and prefer private expressions of emotion, etc. I was very conflicted. I decided to prepare to go, ie be ready (clothes ironed, etc) but allow myself permission to back out at the last minute if I felt I couldn't do it.

In the end, I went to support my Mom and not really to say goodbye to my Dad - I did that on my own, alone. My focus was my Mom, not me.

I will say though that after the funeral, I got fairly drunk...

You can do both if you want. Go and then escape. Or either or.

Whatever you decide to do, it will be right for you.

Big hug.

I am so sorry for your loss. My father died a few months ago and it was a mormon funeral. It was completely hijacked. I do not regret going even though I walked out in the middle of the bishops talk. I am glad I went but I am even more glad I had someone there to support me. I didn't expect and I didn't get any comfort from the church members or my family. After the funeral do something that will be a way of you honoring his memory.
Funerals are for the living. That includes you, Unfortunately we have reprecussions based on what family thinks of your actions. If it gets bad you can always leave.

Do what you have to do.

I did a graveside reading at my Dad's Mormon funeral.

Sad -It is difficult enough to focus on the loss of your dad, yet also having to worry about the guilt being placed upon you by your family. Here is a little verse that I always keep in mind everytime I have to go through a situation similar to this

" --- I am so glad, not that you have gone,
But that part of the earth you once dwelt on
was part of my earth too

That I had known you that we have shared some time
That the friendship we have formed and shared, though founded in mortality, will last into eternity.

Tears over your departure, just a few, but quickly changing to a smile, with fond rememberances that we had walked and talked together for just a little while ---".

My advice is to keep your feelings away from those who just do not understand them.

JB

Funerals are for the living, which includes you. They help the family by showing the most bereaved members how many relatives they have left that cared enough to come and support them in their grief. Differences are put aside at this, the most important time your support is needed.

It sounds like your family has put aside it's desire to have an "eternal family" and embraced you despite your change of religion. They could have shunned you or ridiculed you, or used you as a bad example to keep other members in line. They didn't and that took effort on their part. It helps to remember that they felt like failures when you rejected their many, many Family Home Evening lessons and all those prayers, and all those meetings.

Your mother especially needs you right now. I was a single mother when my son died in his 20's. My mother refused to go, saying that she "didn't like funerals." I said to her, "You are going to let me bury my child alone?" I could not believe it.

What she didn't know is that I asked my father not to come because I knew it would make my mother uncomfortable (they divorced acrimoniously after 30 years of marriage). So I had neither of my living parents there for me. Not a single aunt came because my mother didn't go.

Fortunately I had a son who drove all night to pick me up and drive me 500 miles back to where the funeral was. My sons picked up their brother's body in Salt Lake and took care of many, many details.

My father was ok with what happened--he only wanted to ease my pain. I forgave my mother but to this day, 16 years later, I still cry when I think of her refusing to come. After that happened, I never felt she really loved me again. Your mother will never forget you didn't come to support her and stand by your family for your Dad's farewell. Depending on the kind of person she is, she may never say anything to you directly, but you will be inflicting a deep hurt.

It's not the things you say, it's what you do that show your love for the family you still have. Remember, your mother will be gone one day too.


Anagrammy

PS. Get a nice journal and start writing down memories of your father. You are going to be crying remembering him anyway and it turns out that writing down the painful memories helps take the pain away. There is something comforting knowing that these memories will last, that they won't be forgotten because you can leave them to your children.

if you choose to take anagrammy's advice and go, be aware that your doctor can give you some sedatives to help you get through it. Obviously you can't fully grieve while on sedatives, but to take some to get through a few hours might not be a bad idea. I know a lot of people who have done this in order to get through the funeral.

I'm sad for all of you who've lost loved ones. Wow, burying a son alone. I'm so sad reading this. You're so right, not being there for one's mother or one's daughter to support them in their loss would inflict a deep wound and be experienced as lack of love. I'm so sorry about this.

I lost my Mother. I grieved with my Dad, Sisters, Brother etc.

I lost my DH. I grieved with my children, grand children, sibs, etc.

I would go to the funeral. I would suck it up just to be with my loved ones.

I am sorry and sad too. It's particularly a hard time of the year to lose a loved one.

My grief support group is where I've learned to share and be together during the pain of loss.

K

I have no advice. I'm not good with this stuff. But I am sorry for the loss of your dad.

Best wishes to you and yours.

I had to deal with both parents dying and I hate funerals. I had to deal with the church, the TBM relatives, being executor I had to deal with the government and the pesky greedy funeral home.

I just want to be cremated and have a big monument that says"Rubicon says F*ck You!"

How very Popcorn Suttonesque of you.

This is something I had to grapple with my my TBM Dad died. iw anted to grieve alone, instead of with everyone else around.But my ultra TBM family didn't understand or accept this, and they won't when my TBM mother dies, either.

I feel for you and wish you peace as you make your own decision-