So, my mother asked me today how having these eight guests at my house was. When my response was, "Religious", she asked me how so. Well, she is not a believer herself, but she thinks it's important to stay active just for our four children (Incidentally, I'm on the border of being on my way out).

So, this morning, she called and told me that I wouldn't go inactive over her dead body.

May I have some advice as to what to say to this woman? Her big thing is that our children could be very happy in the church. I hate the lie that I'm in. I hate how every aspect of every part of life is integrated in this horrible religion!

Your kids will be happier answering sexual questions from a strange adult with power over them, giving up 10% of your income, reducing your weekend to one day, learn that truth is a matter of feelings..... etc?

Your sons will be happier spending two years hassling strangers about where they go to church? Think of all the stories here about missionaries suffering depression, hoping to get sick/injured so they can just leave.

Your kids will be happier getting married at 20 to someone they don't know very well just so they don't sin?

Your kids will be happier feeling special that they were valiant in the pre-existence to be born in church?

My advice.... don't hesitate to be outrageous with your mother. She has problems with boundaries and only a sturdy spine and firm hand can reign her in. If necessary keep her away from your kids for a year until she learns her place in YOUR family.

Just because someone spouts off, to says something you don't agree with, doesn't mean it has to be acknowledged.
Sounds like Mom has her opinions and ideas and wants to express them. It's a "So What" deal, isn't it?
Change the subject if you don't like what your mother says.

My view is to accept and love people unconditionally as much as possible.

The more negative vibes we give off, as in: resentment, bitterness, hostility, thinking the person is stupid, brainwashed, an idiot, the fewer positive, loving relationships we will have.

Decide on the kind of relationship you want to have and then work to make it happen.

Kids don't come with manuals! :-) It's "On The Job" training and sometimes it's a big mess.
We deal with the cards we are dealt.
My view: Make the best of it, stay out of messes, and don't create any -- if at all possible.

Look for ways to make peace and live a peaceful life.
Life is short. Live in the NOW and let the rest go. Don't allow the past to mess up your PRESENT!
I'm still working on it!

But if that is not for you, go ahead, stomp on other people's feelings, call them names, and be rude, nasty, and ugly to people whose religion you don't like.
It seems to be the thing to do! :-)

10 % income and more
No Sunday time
Really no family time b/c you'll have too many callings.

But really, you could tell her that they are your kids and you're making the decisions for them until they are able to make their own.

"Mom, I love you, but it's been ____ years since you last changed my diaper, and wiped my butt. I would rather your body remain alive, but I am doing what I know is best for me and my family."

Moms do not take hints! You have to tell them.

She got to raise her children, now you're raising yours.

If your mom isn't a beleiver, what's the big deal?

You're a grownup now. She doesn't get to pick your path anymore.

She also doesn't get to pick how you raise your children.

I guess that's all I would say. And I have said it to my mom - you raised me, now it's my turn and I'm doing it the way I think is best just like you did.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/23/2010 04:08PM by omreven.

(Laugh) "Mom, quit being so melodramatic!

"The kids and I will be fine, and much calmer, happier and less stressed as we live our live authentically. I appreciate your concern but I'm an adult, and the parent of these children, and just like you did with me, I have to do what I think is right for us."

And leave it at that. If Mom escalates, draw back for a while and see if she figures it out.

That's my two cents worth. :)

"So, this morning, she called and told me that I wouldn't go inactive over her dead body."

Tell her she must be dying soon, then,,,

When you are ready to resign, resign first, then tell her. That's what I did. I resigned, then told my husband after that and he got really really really really upset. But he got over it.

Fuck her!
It's your life,
Live it.

Well, you have three choices. 1. Do what she wants. Not recommended. LOL. 2. Ignore her, change the subject etc. 3. Tell her to butt out. I would probably go with three although I would try to be polite about it and after that, refuse to discuss it with her. It is your life and she is not the mother of your children.

Remember how you taught me to follow my heart and to stand for what I believe and how we shouldn't do stuff we think is wrong, no matter what kind of peer pressure comes our way?

Yeah, I'm doing exactly as you taught me.

People will treat you the way you ALLOW them to do so.

If you allow people to treat you badly; they will. Period.

My mom treated me the very same way. Then I set her straight. I told her I loved her very much but the subject of religion was now off bounds - something I would never again speak with her about because we would never agree about it, and it just caused tension between us. I told her in an email and then added that this was a boundary she must never ever cross with me again, if she expected to have a relationship with me. It worked like a charm, but all mothers are different, so it might, or might not work at all for you. Good luck!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/26/2010 10:43PM by think4u.

If you speak to the feelings behind her outburst, you will have a better result. She feels afraid that she has failed as a mother in Zion. You can easily put her fears to rest by saying, (ONLY IF IT'S TRUE, OF COURSE)

"I know you wouldn't say such a thing if you didn't love me. You and Daddy raised me with wonderful values and I am raising my children to be good people because of you. My childhood is over now, Mother, and I hope you can respect my choices as an adult and be proud of me someday, even if I have chosen differently in some areas."

Whenever she threatens you, reassure her of your respect for her as a mother. The church is not the judge of how well she did with you, you are. You have the power to take away her anxiety. And small things make a difference. Like asking for a recipe. I know it sounds silly, but when you're old and the kids criticize you, you wonder why they don't remember more of the good things.

If you have trouble with that, write them down.

Your mother may start out by saying, "Well, none of that matters if you leave the church." but if you keep responding that it's the love she nurtured that keeps this family together, not some ordinance, her heart will stop hurting.

I've even heard of staunch Mormon women defending their apostate daughters, refusing sympathy, saying, "Well, just because she left the church doesn't mean she isn't a good person..."

Best of luck, whichever course you take.

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