*This is not part of my story, but I would just like to thank you personally for this site and the support that it provides. When trying to find the truth for myself it was very hard because everything I found was so completely biased in one way or the other. You contributed to me finding myself as much as any individual that I personally know. thank you. And feel free to include my name and email if you wish.*

As I write this I feel as if I were submitting a post card the to the post secret website. What has, until recently, been my deepest secret, and I'm sharing it with people I don't know, and probably never will. I was born mormon, and was the image of perfection to my family and my extended ward family. From the age of twelve I read and studied my scriptures, wrote in my journal and prayed every night, encouraging my family members to do the same. I never missed church unless I had to, was president of the beehives, miamaids, and laurals, was on the stake youth counsel many times, and just general was the model of mormon perfection.

Nothing traumatic happened to cause me to doubt. I was never abused in any way, I had a very happy childhood, and a great relationship with my parents. I found solace in my YW leaders and considered them to be my close friends more then anything else. But doubt I did... And eventually, I left the church. And it was, by far, the hardest thing I have ever done. So many mormons thing that leaving the church is "the easy way out" it means you don't have to follow rules, or feel guilty, or any of that. For me it wasn't like that at all.

Leaving the church I also was forced to leave behind the closeness I had had with my family, leave behind all the members of the ward I had always been a part of (which was more like a second family then anything) leave behind my friends, I literally had to completely let go of my entire life. Start from scratch. All of the support and love I had felt my entire life was now gone. I was alone, mentally and emotionally. But, I was happy. Happier then I ever had been. No longer did I have to fake it. No longer did I have to try to be something that I knew in my heart I never
could be. No longer did I have to follow blindly. Now I could make my own life, not be poured into the mold of a life I had always dreaded.

I still sometimes have a hard time living with my decision, it's hard to feel the distance between me and the rest of my family, between me and my old friends, but reading this site, and hearing your stories makes it easier for me, helps me to know that I'm not alone. I guess that why I'm sending in my
story, I feel I owe it to you. You have helped me accept myself, hopefully my story can help someone else.

I'm gratified when someone describes how this site helped them realize they weren't alone. Exmos need that if they're to recover.

Your story is my story, every step of the way, except that I was abused in my 38 yr. marriage. Thank you so much for posting it on this day when I feel so very, very alone and separated from my 5 grown kids and 21 grandkids. I am seriously having such a hard time, can't stop the tears, but just like you I do not regret the decision, could never go back, and usually I am pretty happy.

The world is so quiet today, there are just no distractions from the reality of the huge price I paid for searching out and then speaking the truth. Kids are with Mo daddy, as usual, I rarely see any of them. One hates me, treats me like crap, believes Satan lives within me.

But I am a survivor, and tomorrow will be a better day! One day at a time, is what I say when times are hard, and in 30 or 40 years max. I will be 6 feet under, and then all the pain will stop.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/25/2010 06:11PM by think4u.

i admire your summoning positive thoughts in spite of the difficulty. hopefully knowing that lots of friends here on rfm understand and support you will help you feel less alone.

-phyllis

Thanks, Phyllis, how kind and thoughtul, I wish we were friends.

I hope the knowledge that your pain is able to help others gain their lives back is a comfort. And the fact that so many of us stand with you in your struggle to maintain your integrity in the face of pressure and heartlessness from your children.

Your strength strengthens others.

Are you able to connect with any exmos face-to-face during the holidays?


Anagrammy

Dear Anagrammy,
Yes, I just connected face to face with Colonel Moroni for several hours. Your advice for me was so very truthful and helpful. We are now officially "Exclusive". You should have seen the joy in his eyes when he realized I was done with all the other men in the world. He teared up a bit with relief. He is soooo cute! He left an hour ago to visit family, and I have not moved from where we were, am near paralyzed here with a feeling of deep inner joy I have not felt for longer than I can remember.

I keep fighting back these silly tears. He held me close and we and just really took the chance to express all of our true and deepest feelings for one another. Who knew life could be so darn good? Yes, love is for old people too, I know that for sure now, but I almost let it pass me by. Yesterday was the worst and lonliest Christmas day of my entire life, and today has to be one of the very best days I have ever known. The sun even came out for the first time in about 3 weeks. If there were a heaven, this feeling would be it. Thanks for sharing in my journey today, for helping me tear down all the walls, and just let be what is. We truly are very lucky and share a most amazing connection. And again, your advice was so very helpful, every word. I thank you, really do.

Thank you so much think4u.

There's nothing better than helping a friend find true love (or recognize that she has it). I hesitated pressing the submit button because I was verbally shaking you, a stranger.

Then I thought of you as a friend instead of a stranger and this is exactly what I would say to a girlfriend if we were sitting across from each other having coffee. We need our girlfriends, don't we?

I know you and the Captain will bring each other such happiness in the coming years... and you'll look back on this dating as your period of temporary insanity and have a good laugh. Best of luck, honey, and maybe we will meet in person some day.


Anagrammy

and I truly admire your spunk. Once I realized that it doesn't matter to me anymore what anyone thinks of me, life became much easier. I have a son, I feel, who has turned his back on me because of my decision to be happy. It sucks when family isolates/shuns its' own.

Thanks for the great post.

ST

I love this site. My recovery is directly related to the friends I've made and to the freedom to express myself. Thanks to this board, Eric, in all of you posters. You saved my life. Thank you.