December, 2004. My first year of law school. I started to learn some critical thinking skills. And it all fell apart.

I did a web search on problems with Mormonism and ended up here. I remember reading the biographies and nodding my head in agreement.

But I was struck with a thought. With all this new information, I had to make a decision. I also had to study for finals. But I really needed to get this cleared up so I could concentrate on the next 3 years of my studies. It was a decision I didn't take lightly. I was worried that there still might be eternal consequences for leaving. I wasn't sure about all the language and temple name shout-outs. I was a bit squeamish when people talked about temple stuff because they made me promise I'd never tell anybody.

But I really started to enjoy the board. I read a bit and wrote a lot. My opinions changed a few times on many things. Fortunately, I had already been through a wild phase in college with drinking and girls, so I just left. I didn't tell my family. I just resigned. I don't even remember exactly when, but I sent in a letter and that was it. I was no longer a member of the Mormon church.

I didn't become a star student or a top lawyer and at times worried about whether I was being punished for leaving. But 2010 was an awesome year for me professionally. All the different things I had been working on since graduation fell in to place and I have started to replenish the coffers.

In the mean time, I found the motivation to get back in to shape, and I'm happy to report that I lost 50 pounds this year and I've kept it off even through the holidays. People don't even recognize me.

On top of that, I have gradually made some changes in the way I do things. I am the son of a Mormon woman and inactive Dad. I grew up being treated like a second-class citizen. I used to accept and expect it. I think I even brought it on myself at times.

But things are really different now. I was out with a group of lawyers for lunch the other day, and our server handed me the check. I asked her to what I owed the honor and she said, "Oh, I thought you were the boss!" Not bad for a guy who was telling a therapist 5 years ago, "I don't like meeting people."

I have a lot more confidence these days. That comes with accomplishing personal goals. One reason I thought I deserved second-class citizenship is I didn't go on a mission. Needless to say, I felt like an outcast in Provo where every conversation starts with, "When I was on my mission..."

The people I work with today judge me on how competently I do my job, not on whether I was manipulated into spending 2 years recruiting for a cult at 19. I have a very unique skill set, I'm very good at what I do, I enjoy it, and I get paid well for it.

But back to the goals. I set some very high goals for myself. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I don't always hit them by the deadline, but I do end up reaching them. That gives me something that emanates from within. No seminar, no book, no CD, no beverage, and no trick can give a man that.

Speaking of which, I didn't even refer to myself as a "man" until I hit 40. I remember walking past a woman with her little boy once and she said, "Let the man go by." I remember looking around thinking, "What man?" I was probably 30 at the time. Walking around, feeling like a little kid. Not so much that I was immature (in the impulsive sense), even though I was, but feeling that my opinion did not count. Feeling wishy-washy. Feeling indecisive. Feeling like I'd probably never grow up.

Well, I'm a man. I am a husband and a father. I'm a professional. And I'm a totally different man than I was 6 years ago. Hopefully better. I'm decisive without being impulsive. I'm not a doormat. I'm connected. And I don't sit around worrying all the time like I used to.

I attribute these changes to hard work. I no longer measure myself by an impossible yardstick - Mormonism. I mentioned I felt like a second-class citizen by virtue of being a halfling, and not going on a mission. I know guys who have done everything they were told and they still feel inadequate. That is one reason I no longer judge myself by outside standards. I judge myself on whether I'm a man of my word, how compassionate I am with others, and how working to be a better human being than I was last year gives me a deep feeling of strength. That cannot be manufactured, only earned.

I don't look for approval or validation. Guilt trips directed at me are a waste of time.

I still have goals I want to accomplish. In fact, the end of the year was a frightening time, not because like other years I worried I'd accomplished nothing, but I need to set new goals and I keep telling myself I have to set them by January 1.

Maybe I don't have to. If anybody had told me what I was going to do in 2010 I wouldn't believe it at all. And it didn't really start to happen until halfway through.

I'm giving myself permission to enjoy the new year without setting goals for the sake of setting goals. I'm going to ponder that one, and I am also giving myself permission to not set any goals at all. I'd rather think it through and come up with a worthwhile goal or two than set an arbitrary goal that I will not follow through on just because of the date on the calendar.

Thanks to everybody who has been there the last 6 years. I'm sure I'd have made it through, but I"m glad I made it through with you guys.

T-Bone

be as proud of you as we are.

Great job of getting out and getting better. And better.

T-bone, great news, especially about the 50lbs.! And congrats on the job. You deserve it!

and the results of hard work and good decisions is a sign of a mentally healthy person.

Not healthy: "Thank God and Church" for blessing me and making everything go well for me, if it wasn't for them I'd be nothing anddddd, if I was successful and didn’t believe and pay tithing and lip service to how wonderful the truoo Church was and serve them, I would still be unsuccessful in the eyes of God and Church. I would/could enjoy and live it up now but I would never be blessed in the eternal scheme of things.

Boy they really mess with a persons mind.

I'm glad to hear all the good things going on for you T-Bone. It seems like yesterday when you first started posting here.

I think this board has helped most of us change for the better.

I'm editing this way late because your thing about being called a man even when you didn't realize in the eyes of the world that you were a man happened to me too. It really blew my mind to realize that to other people I was a man when inside my head I didn't see myself that way. I grew up a lot in the ten seconds that exchange took place. Just hearing a woman tell her child to go ask that man what time it was blew my mind.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/27/2010 02:43AM by Charley.

But today I learn you didn't go on a mission. Where did you become fluent in the language enough to court and win a Japanese woman.

One of the great things about this board and "meeting" people is that the more you think you know someone the more you realize there is more to learn. Much like peeling an onion.

Thanks for starting this thread T-Bone it's wonderful to read about wicked apostates who have made good. Sorta like Horatio Alger.

CONGRATULATIONS!

I too have finally shed some I guess "more" weight this year--and I feel better than I have in YEARS. My sister showed me a picture of myself from about 10 years ago--asked me if I wanted it because I was sitting next to our mother (who passed away 2 years ago)--I wouldn't take it and then yesterday I asked her for it so I could put it on my refrig so everyone can see how far I've come. Even my kids and ex can't believe how big I got and how much different I look.

I was raised in a family where my dad was partially inactive--and we were treated "that way," too.

What a fabulous description of transition from life based on fear and lack of self-esteem, to freedom from guilt and true self-actualization.

I'm printing....:)

I'm glad you are reconsidering the goal-setting. It is not necessarily true that the whole pyramid of goal-setting leading to tasks, etc, etc, ala Franklin Covey is the best way to go.

If you begin to work in the area of your passion, say writing, and let things unfold naturally, you might be amazed. Inspiration and passion go hand in hand and they can't be ordered up on a task list, like "Pay phone bill." For example, would you enter "Form More Healthy Self Image" or "Get idea for best-selling novel" or even "Find more compassion within".

I used to give seminars on motivation and time management, so I have thought a lot about this area of life. Here's the bottom line:

The big ideas and the big changes lead to life transformations. It's not about filling your life with little tasks like rice among the rocks in a jar. It's about transcending the many undone tasks by keeping the big picture in mind. What matters most is your state of mind.

All of us know (but may not admit) that goal setting produces an expectation of ourselves which may lead to self-judgment and depression. "I set my goal to xxx and my deadline just passed. I'm failing again, just like always, etc, etc." In Mormondom, we are lead to believe that setting a goal makes the goal happen.

Wrong. In fact, sometimes quite the opposite.

Setting a goal that focuses on where you actually are with your state of mind is the most productive type of thinking. For example, some New Year's Resolutions might say

*I'm going to see how it feels to live a completely authentic life. I am going to try to always tell the truth as tactfully as possible.

*I'm going to attend different churches to see if my anger about religion is related to Mormonism or all religion.

*I'm not going to participate in any destructive processes, as a matter of duty to my integrity.

If you did these three big picture goals, your goal to get a divorce might change. Your goal to get a new job might change. Your goal to move might change. Action goals are tied to our paradigm, so if you want your actions to have energy behind them, they must be in harmony with a paradigm that your subconscious likes. No, loves.

Your post shows how much you love the new you. Your increased self-esteem has lead to more confidence, which in turn leads to better performance/respect at work, which leads to more income, which makes your goal of 2009, of say, "Declare Bankruptcy" moot and void.

Best of luck in 2011 - there are wonderful deep goals awaiting your attention now that you are off the survival level of Maslow's Heirarchy of Need.


Anagrammy

Heresy, she (Mrs. T-Bone) digs me. I read a few quotes by a guy I admire and he said that if you can keep a woman interested after she's seen you with the flu, you're a real stud! I had a lot of growing up to do. She has been patient enough to see me through a few changes.

To hello, thanks. I struggled with it for a long time. It's not easy, but something just changed this year.

They don't want me back, they really do mess with a person's mind.

Charley, it really does seem like yesterday. There were some really cool people here when I started. There are cool people here now, too. Just different nicknames. I am not able to visit or post as much as I like, but living a full life is recovery. So I'm recovering.

cl2, I have pictures from the beginning of the year in my cell phone and my camera. It's hilarious! Oh, I lost my Costco card and went to get a new one. It's my first ID with the new look. I was about to get a passport, but I think I'll retake the pictures. I don't want those old ones. I look like a balloon. Just think of all the health problems we're probably sidestepping!

{{{{{{{{{{Cheryl}}}}}}}}}} Great to see you here!

anagrammy, and you are my apostate of the year. I really enjoy reading your posts. Somehow, the reason and logic come through the keyboard and resonate with me. Not every poster clicks, and that's fine. But your posts click with me. So thanks for posting.

I have to say that most of my life has been about overcoming. I never got to the bottom of it, but I had learning difficulties. But I found out a way around them. Hard work. I mastered some Van Halen songs on guitar, learned Japanese (reading, writing, and speaking) and learned to write over 2000 characters. And in spite of the best efforts of my professors and the board of examiners, I passed that stupid bar exam and got my license.

Most of the time, I've been able to get through by putting my head down and working like a man obsessed. Just think of how much I might have been able to accomplish if I had been methodical about it. : )

It's nice, isn't it?! From six years ago, I don't "recognize"you! :-) Just a little joke!
Wow, just wow. You are an amazing man! I'm so thrilled at what you have accomplished. I knew you were "smart as a whip" as my grand dad used to say!
You're doing great! I'm thrilled with your ability to manifest a new destiny! :-)

It's great to see you here. I do remember the early, rocky days. I was very raw and very sensitive. Much of that was unrealistic expectations of the world. It might have also had something to do with stunted growth as a result of being told what to think and believe for years.

I am sure that many lurkers will be encouraged by your story, T-Bone. You have grown so much since leaving the church, and that same possibility exists for anyone who leaves!

Your post and cl2's post are reminders for the rest of us to reflect upon and appreciate the strides we have made since leaving the cult behind. Perfect timing for such reflections, as 2010 draws to a close and a new year awaits in the wings!

You and Mrs. T-Bone appeared to me in a dream as the people the Lard wants to hang around RfM and give advice on achieving every f**g one of your dreams!

In fact (music starting up) could you maybe do a little piece for us that we could put on You-Tube, you know "he saw a skinner self, he saw a smarter self, he looked in the hat and saw a MUCH RICHER T-BONE

...AND HE'S AN EXMORMON!


Anagrammy

This is something I never expected. I am able to be myself with my RfM friends, but not my family. I am able to be open and vulnerable with my RfM friends, but not my family.

You guys know so much more about me than they do. In a way that's sad. My parents will die some day, not ever having really known me. They know the kid they wanted to sculpt. They didn't want me accomplishing too much or getting my hopes up too high. And they certainly didn't want me figure out how manipulative they are or learning to avoid the emotional minefield they have laid out.

Strange.

If they just asked me, instead of telling me who they think I am or who they want me to be, I'd be very willing to open up to them.

I have tried to initiate it myself. It ended with my dad interrupting me halfway through to say, "OK, here's what you really need to do." Every time he starts with that, it's always something self-serving.

Not that I'm complaining or wishing I could go back and have a better childhood. I am reminding myself of the things they did wrong in an attempt to not do them, or not go to the other extreme and damage my own child(ren) with other dysfunctional behaviors.

OK, everybody. More later!