My sister and her husband raised their family in a small town in Idaho. Her husband was a serial cheater throughout their marriage. The Bishops in their Ward through the years knew about his cheating, but never took action, except to make my sister feel it was her fault. A few years ago they moved to IOWA to try to make a better life. When she caught him cheating there also, the Bishop took no action, and she left her husband and moved back to the house in Idaho where they had lived for 20+ years. She arrived destitute and in need of counseling. The church had been picking up the tab for her sessions with a LDS Social Services therapist until, she realized that her years of misery were tied to the sexism and patriarchy of the church, and she stopped attending. In spite of the fact that she works full time to support her two disabled children and herself, the Bishop told her a week before Christmas that if she didn't return to church for ALL MEETINGS, with her tithing in hand EVERY WEEK, he (the bishop) would stop paying for her therapy. After almost three decades in the same community, she has NO FRIENDS, LDS or otherwise, and is so poor that she couldn't possibly afford her sessions with her therapist, who she calls her "only friend". The Bishop also ordered her to pray and read the scriptures daily.
Sounds Jesusy to me...

Sounds like another power play/control,, to me. Seen this often. Have her check around and try to find other avenues to take. There has to be other groups and charity programs open. Good luck.

Why in the world would she see a counselor through the church? After going to school to complete their degree they work from a canned manual that tells them how to counsel people. I dated this Mormon guy years ago who applied to work there and ultimately turned down the position because of how the type of counseling they expected him to do. They are set up to work in the best interest of the church, not help the individual. "Oh, you're depressed? Go home and pray for guidance, and read these scriptures."

However, if the counselor is helping her maybe he/she can call and talk to her bishop.

I just posted about being sent to a shrink. Is it a church apporved counsler? If so he might not be helping her as much as she thinks. This is a horrible situation and it breaks my heart. I suppose there is no way to move her in with or closer to you, at least for a bit?

into counseling some other way, either through her own insurance, or on a graduating scale with some other clinic.
She doesn't know that she doesn't need the church - yet.
Is Mr. Cheater paying child support? If not, she needs to hold his feet to the fire!
Bishop needs to be told to mind his own business!

She has no money to pay for therapy (dirt poor). Her ex pays a total of $100 a month in child support (loser can't hold a job). She works full time but doesn't have insurance (it's Idaho after-all). I've begged her to leave, she feels trapped. If I was in the same state I'd kick her bishop's ass. I told her to tell the bishop to go to hell, and I would council her through this time myself. So far she hasn't taken me up on the offer.

sonoma Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> She has no money to pay for therapy (dirt poor).
> Her ex pays a total of $100 a month in child
> support (loser can't hold a job). She works full
> time but doesn't have insurance (it's Idaho
> after-all). I've begged her to leave, she feels
> trapped. If I was in the same state I'd kick her
> bishop's ass. I told her to tell the bishop to go
> to hell, and I would council her through this time
> myself. So far she hasn't taken me up on the
> offer.


Oh my. She can't see that there is another solution ----- yet!
At least she has you! If she'll listen to you, maybe you can hang onto her until she can stand on her own without relying on the LDS Church. She probably can't see a way out. Probably needs to get out of Idaho...somehow.

Is your sister still a believer?

No, she no longer believes. She found out the truth about j smith and b young and she HATES polygamy.

I agree, Susie. She knows that the church is corrupt, but has difficulty doing what is necessary to make her life better because she has been so damaged by mormonism.

She may need to let them possess her physical body for a while (i.e.: show up at church every week), but they can never control her mind and her thoughts, no matter how hard they try...

Besides, is that bishop going to make her say every prayer in front of him?

IOW, tell her to do what every teen-aged male does in a priesthood worthiness interview: lie, lie, lie. And then lie some more.

She'll get through it, and when she does she'll be stronger than before.

Best wishes.

I think that's her plan. I'm afraid that it will be too much. It would be different if she had at least ONE friend in the ward...

If she applies for assistance they will make the father pay child support.

Can't get blood from an orange, or money from a loser who can't keep a job.

No, the state will sue him for reimbursement after paying her.

great suggestion! i'll bring this up with her

I agree that if she can hang in there and use what's available for the time being, she'll get strong enough to find other solutions. Is she eligible for any kind of assistance? With disabled children she ought to be.
Maybe she needs to see a social worker and see if there are other options.

agreed

Anagrammy-

You're absolutely correct.

How the 'Lord's Church' could treat this woman is reprehensible and illustrates the extreme insensibility, sexism and unspoken support for abuse for women. The bishop and local leaders should be ashamed and humiliated for behavior that perverts all that Christ taught.

Even in Idaho, there are social organizations that are not part, nor take direction from the mormon church.

I pray that she will be steered to state and voluntary organizations that will help her regain her self-esteem and self-worth to become empowered and eventually attain all the positive, good things she can imagine. She IS worthy of that.

thanks hart

For the disabled children, contact the local school district. They, not only must provide educational services up to age 21, they will know all the local agencies that can help.

Asking her to lie to get counseling where she will learn to become an authentic person with integrity? No.

That plan is self-destructive. She needs to become a strong woman for her children, and if there's indignity to be suffered, let it come with applying for welfare for herself and her disabled children. I had to do it myself plus I helped many other women put together a survival plan when I was a social worker.

1) WELFARE. She should be getting her support from the state, which will supplement the pitiful child support she gets from the Cheater. They will go after him, believe me. But the main thing is that her income will then be stable.

2) FOOD STAMPS. With three people in the home, this should be really helpful.

3) FOOD BANKS. Great for staples, cereals, carbs, beans and veggies in season.

4) LOW INCOME COOKING. Get booklet free for the asking from the Federal Government. There are lots of tricks of the trade, like how to get flavor into the flavorless without expensive spices.

5) CHURCHES. If you go to a local church and tell them you are a refugee from Mormonism, most of them will help you expecting nothing in return. I have referred women who have been given jobs like helping in the nursery, where they got $$ and could bring their own kids. They are also networked in a seige mentality in Idaho and Utah, i.e., they know where benefits and goodies are available that you would never think of. Like totally free holiday turkeys, etc. They are also a good source of new friends. All she has to do (maybe) is listen to them preach, or attend their one service on Sunday. A lot more pleasant than Mormonism. I'd go just for the music--love me some cheery hand-clapping gospel music!

6) COMMUNITY ORGANIZATIONS. She can ask Lions, Rotary, Knights of Columbus, and whatever else is in town, for help with finding housing, paying rent, getting glasses for kids, or other services for disabled kids. They are all into helping needy kids.

7) St. Vincent de Paul. Catholic thrift place will give you free clothes if you are referred through your social worker.
Same with Salvation Army (not Goodwill, though, they are no longer really a charity, they are in the business of providing employment training for down-and-outers, whom they then do not employ, like Deseret Industries)

8) COLLEGE. While on welfare, she can go to college free and acquire some skills to help her and her kids have a better life longterm.

She may be so damaged she needs you to be her advocate and line this stuff up. If you need help, contact me at anagrammy@gmail.com and I'll be glad to help you gather the info.

Anagrammy

St. Vincent De Paul will help....the Salvation Army vets applicants in our Parish...they help with new clothes and food...I work in that ministry in our Parish...You don't have to be Catholic to be helped and you don't have to sit through any masses to get help.

stormy

thanks grammy... i'll copy and email your fabulous post to her. There are ALWAYS alternatives, aren't there.

That's the kind of practical help that will hopefully give her some real options!

That bishop needs to go f*** himself.

indeed

uh I wonder, did you say your sister moved BACK into the exact same small community (conservative community) ? where "her husband had a series of affairs" and "the bishop never did anythign about it"?? so she is in the place where, uh, her husband was more social than her? in a very small town? where he had a SERIES of lovers? but she, uh did not? and now SHE just moved BACK to this place?

where everyone was basically social or keeping secrets about being someone else being social- watching or whispering these past thirty years? Are you KIDDING?

she's been left out or the center of gossip there for 3 decades?
and you guess she doesn't have any 'friends' in church?

well how about work?
no?

& uh its a small town is it? could it be a place where they are so small they're a dysfuctional family system that has already to been taught to label or her or give or treat her in the victim's role socially in their community/

Tell her she did a GREAT JOB leaving him (after finally setting a boundary after all those years) and she did a GREAT JOB asserting herself too telling him she wouldn't continue to do things his way when he simply continued the pattern (he thought) she'd been allowing/letting him. NOW how about- continuing no longer acting like a victim, socially or emotionally. What are some ways your sister can continue asserting herself? How does a person go about recognizing and not acting the social roles assigned in their former relationships? oh, thats what the counselor is for? does an LDS counselor recognize things like this in relationships when they are asking someone to be so submissive or obediant to the church? I mean is it possible, for a woman to set boundaries or become less a victim when they are being trained to be submissive to just any many with a priesthood assignment (I mean a bishop)?

When they moved from Idaho to Iowa, the rented their house instead of selling it. Two brothers helped her move back. My parents helped her repair the damage done by the tenants and make it livable again.
In the long run, the blackmail by the bishop is good for her. I don't believe that an active mormon "therapist" would ever be able to help her. She is emotionally a wreck, and I don't care how much training the therapist may have, if she hasn't found her own way out of mormonism, what COULD she have to offer?
My sister and her children hold onto their victimhood like it was the holy grail.

They have counseling services -- I know they operate in nearby Washington State and I suspect they're in Idaho too. They charge based on income, accept welfare insurance and the help people based on need and not religion.

Seems a bit like from the frying pan into the fire...

Catholic Charities will not require her to convert to Catholicism...not at all...it's a long process to convert and she would not want to do this in a midst of a personal crisis...they offer help with no strings...I know that's my volunteer ministry in our Parish....every week when we shop we stop by and donate food which goes to the pantry...when half of the town was flooded...not just Catholics got food and clothes...all people received help from all churches.

Remember though it may be difficult...Catholics aren't really the boogey men.

stormy

No, its not into the frying pan. Catholic community services receive federal funds. They know how to separate church and state, and in my experience do a good job of it. They may hold the community mental health contract I mention in another post. I know they do in some communities where I have worked.

This story reinforces one of my big criticisms of the LDS organization: It provides charity with a price tag.
Pay up and we might help you. Only maybe. No promises.
Certainly NOT the Christ-like charity exemplified in the New Testament.

Jesus would never tell her that...nor would any other decent human being...tithing in hand my ass....I just can't believe how cruel those bishops can be...In our Parish she would have help not only from the Parish members but they would arrange for social services to help her and her family and so would the other churches in our community...pray...lot of good that will do without money...I believe in prayer...but praying for answers to her problems won't do the job...Doesn't any one ever tell those Bishops to just shut up...

stormy

The local group who has the mental health contract offers sliding scale payments. I don't who that is in Idaho, but my understanding is that it is a federal program started when Reagan closed the mental health hospital. The idea was that people would be treated locally. It was never fully funded, of course.