Every once in a while a minor or young adult comes to the bulletin board and goes on and on about how alone they feel and how much they don't believe yet are trapped by chronological circumstances. And then everyone responds in one fashion or another.

I thought it might be useful to start a thread that could act as a basis for a summary guide (maybe someone could take all the postings and create a link filled with advice for the youngins'). I left the Church at 18, didn't find the bulletin board here until 20 or so (so disappointed I wasn't the only person on earth who had left mormonism, ha ha). I wasn't comfortable posting at first because everyone seemed so old or entrenched. Then I went to an exmo bbq and everyone looked so mormon I almost ran out the door (thankfully the DC exmos in the 90's were super welcoming).

So here are my thoughts on being a teenager trapped in the mormon church:

- you can tell someone about your disbelief and encounter becoming a project for some, persecuted, left alone, or have a good experience- my YW leader reacted with 'well honey you always seemed a bit on the fence', my mother was vicious. Therefore, find people who are adults who respect you for you and can help guide you through what you are thinking and feeling. Adults at schools, older friends, anyone who is solid who can help you facilitate some kind of positive coping with the experience. Figure out what you want to believe and find people who will challenge and support you. I didn't know what Ani DiFranco meant at 18 when she sang "I owe my life to the people that I love" but at 32 it is strikingly clear and rewarding.

- make the most of what you are stuck with. I've been all over the world, have a bachelor's degree, a master's degree and laziness notwithstanding should have the phd at some point soon. I used the time I was trapped as a mormon minor to educate myself (read!) and put money in the bank so I could be better prepared to be personally responsible for myself in the event that the mormons cut me off at the educational and financial levels when I left at 18. You may be trapped but there is no reason to sit around playing martyr mouse wallowing in your discontent.

- know what you are talking about. Nothing is more enjoyable then rejecting something you are knowledgeable about. Go to seminary, ask questions, do research, look earnest and sincere. Nothing says good morning like asking how many women a living man can be sealed to while a woman can only be sealed to one and isn't that spiritual polygamy etc. People always ask questions about mormons. Having the answers indicates that you were thoughtful about your choice despite your rejection of the faith at a young age (people love to write off teenagers and their opinions pretty often).

- Work it. Just because you gotta go to church doesn't mean that you can't make it work for you. I learned how to knit and crochet. I make bank making simple hats and afghans and have always used that money for the joy of buying overpriced textbooks and correctly priced single malt scotch. Someone in your ward must know something they can teach you that you can use to improve your own life that you will find enjoyable.

- Don't give in to the intimidation of leaving. I was intimidated. Prior to leaving for college the bishop hauled me in and I have to admit a malicious satisfaction about going through the whole yep I'm a virgin, nope not drinking or smoking, etc. And the bishop ratted me out to my mormon mother of course. So send your letter in, specify that you are aware of how confidential communications are between bishops and congregants, don't go in for a meeting. Remember, you can always go back if you want to.

- Bail on tithing. This only works in certain circumstances. One bishop I had, who thankfully had a lovely sense of humor, understood that I wasn't willing going to hand over my money. I offered to donate to NARAL, he countered with give it to the food bank and if your mother asks I will say you paid tithing. The food bank was thrilled, my rebellious streak was not so thrilled.

- Bishop interviews. Don't go. Don't go alone. If you are forced to go (yes, I know there is great debate about the forcing minors to go to church issue but it is so hard at that age) then insist on the door being open. Make it clear to the bishop that you are not comfortable being alone with him. Then you go to school and ask to speak to your guidance counselor and explain what happened. After I did that I got to sit through the most memorable parent teacher conference of my life- the school administration was horrified and ready to call CFS and my mother just thought they had no faith.

- Time to be a model citizen. Nothing baffles mormons more then a non smoking, non drinking, virgin seminary valedictorian who leaves the church pronto. Don't get into trouble, don't fool around, don't drink and DO NOT SMOKE. Yes, my decade long affair with Camel Lights makes this a pot-kettle-black situation. You can drink later in life, you can have wonderfully protected sex with a happy partner who like you will get tested for STDs on a regular basis and wake up next to them, and curse all you want in college. Save that crap for when you are out of the house. Don't make more issues. Besides, think of what a wonderful example you can be to your younger family members with your model behavior and consequent church abandonment.

- Nothing is the end of the world at this point. Countdown the days to your 18th birthday. Set goals. Prepare for the person you will be free to be as an adult. As a minor you are limited in many ways but that doesn't mean you can be strategic in your plans for the future.


I hope that individuals will contribute to the list, particularly if they left at 18 as I did and remember vividly how horrid the entire high school process was because of the mormon issue. I felt forced to go seminary, forced to go to church, like no one took me seriously or listened to me and that would have gone on longer then it should have if it hasn't of been for people who looked at me and said you're stuck, so what are you going to do? The above is what I did. It worked for me, I like myself, I take responsibility for my choices, and I am grateful I can say all that. It rocks.

The bottom line, to me, is that I think that teens need a link or a summary post or something consistent that they can reference. I wasn't the kind who could write about my teen experiences and solicit advice and some teenagers have to contend with monitored internet activity. My thoughts above may not be everyone's thoughts on the subject but then again my underwear isn't everyone else's underwear......har har.