My mother is a TBM. My dad was baptized 60 years ago, but is inactive.

When I say my TBM mother plays favorites, I don't necessarily mean she favors the other TBMs in the family. Sure, she cut her vacation short this year to be there when my sister's missionary returned home. She went to that welcome back party and even included pictures in our Christmas card of the RM at the airport, surrounded by admiring family and friends.

Maybe it's not 100% true to say she plays favorites between my siblings, though. She uses her kids. Those who have money get used. Poor little mom can't afford a vacation, but she will fly anywhere if one of us pays for it.

One sibling ended up paying for their gas and hotel to come to each of his kids' weddings. Same thing when the grandkids started to come. They will go if he pays for gas and hotel. When the latest grandchild was born, they announced they were coming. When my sibling did not offer to pay for the trip, they cancelled the day before they were supposed to go.

They came to see me for graduation and when our child was born, but I ended up paying for the hotel. I knew they'd drive me crazy if they stayed here. And they ate every meal out our home.

Is this a generation thing? I know a lot of people their age who use their kids. My parents have not lost their 401k's. They never had any savings. I'm sure they'll end up living with one of us, most likely my sister. My mother keeps reminding her that her patriartical (sic) blessing says her (sister's) home will be a shelter for those in need. She's been beating that drum for about 30 years now.

Here's the kicker. Over Christmas, my mother told me (when I called on my own dime) that she'd love to come see us, but she just got back from seeing my brother and his family, and can't take any more vacation. My brother paid for the tickets, and let them stay in the guest bedroom. He lives overseas, and it's hard to get turkey, but he specially ordered one so they could have a "traditional" dinner. Not one that they would have had in Europe, but one that my parents would have had back home. I'm sure he paid through the nose for it. They said he treats them to several nice dinners when they visit.

When I made my obligatory Christmas call, they went on and on about how wonderful my brother and his family are. His kids are the smartest. His wife is the best wife. They have the most beautiful home. Blah blah blah...

Here's what that sounded like to me. "Son, we will come see your child if you send us tickets. Until then, we're going to tell you how wonderful your brother is. He pays for our vacations."

The funny thing is, I don't really want them there. They are very high maintenance guests. But it does leave a bad taste in my mouth that the people who were supposed to be giving unconditional love aren't capable of it. And in fact, they are blatant about playing favorites and where their priorities are.

OK, that's that. I've vented.

(edited for spelling)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/27/2010 02:26PM by T-Bone.

Like I often say: there are no fantasy parents, or siblings, or other relatives. We get what we get and we get to deal with it.
We can't change them. They are what they are. So we find ways to manage that works. They come: "As-Is"! :-)

There are no wouldas, shouldas, couldas, what if's. It is what it is. Hard to accept sometimes, but I figure, at my age, I might as well make peace with it, not much changes. And, I sure can't change a thing except my attitude. And that can be powerful.

If Wishes were nickles we'd be millionaires! :-)

It's a whole different thing, dealing with family as adults with our own children.

I'm finding that almost every family has the similar dynamics, regardless of their religious beliefs: one parent is easier to deal with than the other for some of the siblings, some of the adult "kids" are easier to deal with, more rational, and reasonable and agreeable. Some are more supportive, some are more critical. Some start rumors, talk about others behind their back, some squash the nonsense. Some are hateful, angry, nasty, "sitting on a burr", some are sweet, kind, and polite, easy going, no matter what happens. There is usually one that is the crazy uncle, or nut case that drives everyone else crazy! :-)

That's FAMILY! :-) Everyone has one, and they are almost always a challenge to others in the family.

I think you are understanding it all very well, T-Bone, and handling it as well as possible.

I'm a great believer in motels, especially because our little retirement home is too small for over night guests for more than a night or two at the most. Even then, it's way too much togetherness! We make it work, as it's temporary.

We don't have our parents, or grandparents and most of our aunts and uncles as they are all deceased, most of them for many years. We do have some siblings that we have some contact with, mostly by email and phone.

you can choose your friends, but you cant choose your family

onceanelder Wrote:
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> you can choose your friends, but you cant choose
> your family


AHH yes, I have been known to use that phrase!

And, now, at our age, most of our time is spent with friends, as most of our family lives far away.
In fact, I recommend family living .... far away! :-) I think it works best for everyone. Keeps all of us out of everyone's "business" which almost always works best!

they spent housing, feeding and clothing you.

J. Chan Wrote:
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> they spent housing, feeding and clothing you.

I certainly hope to keep the kind of relationship with my adult children that they will be helpful to me if and when I might need it. They show appreciation for what we do for them now. They know we have been very supportive of them, maybe they will learn there is a time to "pay it forward" and look after their parents.

Sometimes a good Mormon upbringing also teaches us the things we need to know to pay back all the abuse we took way back when. In that light, payback can be a bitch: If they come visit you and you only drink beer, wine, vodka, whatever, well guess what? They have to drink what you want to drink.

You could have a lot of fun with that. :-)

T-Bone partially wrote:
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>
> Here's what that sounded like to me. "Son, we will
> come see your child if you send us tickets. Until
> then, we're going to tell you how wonderful your
> brother is. He pays for our vacations."
>

Sounds like blackmail to me. I'd suggest you say something like, "Then we won't be seeing you and we won't be talking to you. We won't call you if all you're going to do is try to manipulate us and play us one against the other." I'd say she's trying to milk you for all your worth and if you don't say no, she'll continue to do so. If you put a stop to it, including no more phone calls and no more e-mails, she might not get the point, but it'll at least give YOU peace of mind.