You know the kind I mean: the gals that stick with you through thick and thin, are always there for you, love you unconditionally -- the kind of girlfriend that you can share anything with, anytime. Do you still have those kinds of girlfriends, if you left the LDS Church?

I realized early on that I didn't have what I would call girlfriends, in that sense, when I was a member. I had lots of friends and acquaintances that were women, usually associated with the auxiliary I was assigned to, in a "Calling", at the time. But that was the extent of it. So much of Mormonism has to do with being assigned friends of some sort, as in Visiting Teaching and Home Teaching or by association because of serving together.

Since leaving the LDS Church, I realize I still have a few girlfriends from my youth (some for over 60 years), and several others from after I left the LDS Church from a stint as a Queen Mum of a Red Hat Chapter in our area. I still have some LDS friends in that group. But the closest friends, seem to be non LDS now days.

The older I get, the more I find I have a sincere need for the old fashioned, honest to goodness: girlfriends! I didn't realize that when I was a member of the LDS Church, though.

I think some of the LDS women are sincere, long standing girlfriends and have been for years. But I never had that experience.

What do I mean by: Girlfriends --- well, these are women who have been through life experiences very similar to mine, often going through them at the same time. There is deep acceptance, warts and all. There is an openness and honesty and sincerity and willingness to be available, that I never experienced with LDS women when I was a member. In fact, I found some of them too hung up on protocol or to busy to be available.

Maybe it's just me, but do any of you women have honest to goodness girlfriends from years and years that are LDS, even though you are not longer a member?
Or did you loose your girlfriends when you left the LDS Church?

The real reason why, I will never know for sure. I suspect it was because I asked questions and pointed out when the answers were unsatisfactory. Usually the teacher would resort to some platitudes about "free will," or everyone would just stare at me uncomfortably. I was a believer at this time, with unwavering faith so I didn't understand what was wrong with my questions. The total shunning and mean comments from the female members of the ward was painful. Once I moved out I had no interest in attending church to be treated like this and was one of those inactive believers before concluding the church was all fake anyway. A lot of stuff made sense to me after that.

Oddly enough, I had one. The church set us up together because they knew that I was becoming bored with going to church, and the other girl was a newly married (shotgun wedding) girl with a brand new baby. She had only joined because they husband's family was telling him not to marry her if she didn't. She needed support with a new baby. Anyway, the bishop introduced us and it was downhill from there.

We ended up being really great friends, but both wanted nothing to do with the church. We became drinking buddies. We would sneak around and tell our husbands that we were going to RS activities and then go out shopping or something else. We had absolutely nothing in common with the women from church and didn't want to be around them. Bet the bishop had no idea his plan would backfire like that.

fallenangelblue Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Oddly enough, I had one. The church set us up
> together because they knew that I was becoming
> bored with going to church, and the other girl was
> a newly married (shotgun wedding) girl with a
> brand new baby. She had only joined because they
> husband's family was telling him not to marry her
> if she didn't. She needed support with a new
> baby. Anyway, the bishop introduced us and it was
> downhill from there.
>
> We ended up being really great friends, but both
> wanted nothing to do with the church. We became
> drinking buddies. We would sneak around and tell
> our husbands that we were going to RS activities
> and then go out shopping or something else. We
> had absolutely nothing in common with the women
> from church and didn't want to be around them.
> Bet the bishop had no idea his plan would backfire
> like that.


Yup. That's rather humorous in a way.... Backfired - exactly! :-)

Just one... We've known each other since we were 13 or 14 I think. I had two or three really great Mormon friends growing up, including the one I was referring too. After a couple of months at BYU, I had no interest in becoming friends with women who were uptight or square.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/29/2010 03:53PM by itzpapalotl.

I have only one. She is also my cousin, and we live far apart, but she always calls me on my birthday. We don't keep in touch all that often, but she hasn't ditched me. All of the other Mormon girls who were my friends growing up now have a sort of panicked look when we run into each other in the store, etc.

post here.

I have heard her say many times that she has no real friends in the ward. None. She quit going to RS years ago because of how uncomfortable she felt with the other sisters.

The only real girlfriends that I recall her ever having were from school or work. But not from church. She is uncomfortable with the TBM uptight ladies but hasn't been away from church long enough to develop many other friends.

madiran Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> post here.
>
> I have heard her say many times that she has no
> real friends in the ward. None. She quit going to
> RS years ago because of how uncomfortable she felt
> with the other sisters.
>
> The only real girlfriends that I recall her ever
> having were from school or work. But not from
> church. She is uncomfortable with the TBM uptight
> ladies but hasn't been away from church long
> enough to develop many other friends.


Certainly! I think we learn a lot from a husband's point of view.
I hope she finds she can have girlfriends that are special to her. We women need that.

It is sad, but the church alienates women with too many mouths to take care of and too many callings, you don't have the time to be "best friends" with Mormon women. I have been inactive for 4 years and one woman who was also a convert is now a dear friend, NOT BECAUSE SHE IS MORMON!!! My best friends are from college (over 28 years) and from my 1st nursing job-26 years. They don't care if you curse, or don't "live the perfect lifestyle". And I never feel like 'big Sister" is looking to report to the Reich t (oops, bishop) if I drink coffee. Mormon women are brainwashed into the cult. They have "Step ford Wives" engraved on their foreheads...

Not really. I've always had a hard time with most of the girls I've known growing up in Utah.

Ever since elementary school, the majority of my friends have always been boys. I always hated the other girls in my YW group growing up - loathed them. They were fake, catty, and petty. In college I managed to make friends with some of my female roommates, but I don't really have contact with any of them anymore.

After leaving the church, I fell in with an amazing group of predominantly exmo gay men. I'm one of two token straight females in the group. I guess they're the closest thing to "girlfriends" I have. :)

Kristen Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Not really. I've always had a hard time with most
> of the girls I've known growing up in Utah.
>
> Ever since elementary school, the majority of my
> friends have always been boys. I always hated the
> other girls in my YW group growing up - loathed
> them. They were fake, catty, and petty. In
> college I managed to make friends with some of my
> female roommates, but I don't really have contact
> with any of them anymore.
>
> After leaving the church, I fell in with an
> amazing group of predominantly exmo gay men. I'm
> one of two token straight females in the group. I
> guess they're the closest thing to "girlfriends" I
> have. :)

Not that there is anything wrong with that -- as they say.
Gay guys make excellent "girlfriends"! :-)

The best. :D

Nope. Which was made even more obvious after I left the church.

I do still have one TBM friend but our friendship was never based on anything to do with church which is probably we are still friends even after my apostasy.

Not in the church. Even when I was growing up as a TBM my closest girlfriends were girls I met at school or in my neighborhood and were not LDS. I was NOT close to the girls at church. I never felt a real connection with any of the church girls.

Then when I was at BYU I never had any really close friends.
I had a few roommates that I enjoyed hanging out with and a couple friends that were fun to be with but no one that I felt really close to and I have not remained close to any of the girlfriends I had at BYU.

My very best girlfriend, who I met in 5th grade, is a nevermo and we have remained close. She has always been the best girlfriend I've ever had. I used to invite her to church activities with me when we were in HS because I didn't have friends at church and wanted someone to go with. She was a good sport and went to a lot of things with me, including girls camp. It's kind of ironic but I don't think I would have survived those things without her.

We remained close all through college too even though we went to different schools in different states. We did lose touch for a few years after I got married but we have since reconnected, in fact, I contacted her a few years back when I started having doubts about the church. I wanted to talk to her about it because when we were in college she had a brief interlude with the church. She got baptized (I was on my mission at the time) but then left quickly--only a month or two--after her baptism because she realized she had made a huge mistake. Her experience gave me some interesting insight and she has been a good support in my journey out of the church.

And honestly, almost all the people I have been closest too and felt the most connected to throughout my life, aside from my sister, have been nevermos.

Outside the church, yes, I've had many wonderful, rewarding REAL friendships. In the Mormon church, after 22 years of membership: three are still actual friends. Of those three, one I met before I was a member and she's remained my friend evev though I left, an anomaly in the Mormon world. The remaining two are siblings; one has been disaffected for years and is on her way out with her hubby, and her sister may soon follow. I was always involved in community things, theater productions, singing gigs etc that took me outside the Mormon milieu. As a young adult convert, I didn't have a lot in common with the really Molly types; I hung with other creative people and moms who had talents and were appreciated for them. Unfortunately, thanks to correlation and tightening of the screws, those days are long gone, and with plenty of more worthwhile thngs on my plate, I don't miss a thing about TSCC.

I had female acquantences who I felt obligated to be suppotive of and felt like they owed me the same. I was so conflicted when I made friends out side the church at school who I had a natural affinity for. I remember crying to my father about not being able to feel close to my friends (at church) like I felt with my friends at school.

She is also my SIL. We were best friends with the added bonus of being married to brothers. We were even in the same ward. We were literally inseparable. I have never had, until then or since, a girl friend like that.

I remember the sweetest act she ever did for me was when she found out my husband and I didn't believe, She walked into my house and gave me the BIGGEST hug. I cried and thought she loved me.

And it all ended a couple weeks later when I stood up to her and her husbands homophobic rants.

This all happened 18 months ago. It still makes me so sad and ANGRY to think about it.

suddenly became more distant. Invitations ceased and I was left with only my family.

When I finally resigned there was nothing to lose of any importance - I still, and always will, have my family.

On the good side, I have met with some old school acquaintances, non-mormon of course, who have now become friends, since I joined the Bowling Club and the Gardening Association.

Briggy

One I've known since I was 12, the other I've known for almost 18 years. I live far away from both of them and haven't yet told them that I've left the church. They would be surprised because I was always the super righteous one, but I don't think they would ditch me if they found out. They're both nonjudgemental and love people for who they are.

TG

As an adult, no. Two close friends from high school and early college would probably be exmos now, but they have passed away. A third girlfriend who I met sophomore year is still my best friend, although she lives in Southern California. She left the church about 10 years before I did, but that is because she stayed in Utah and had horrifying experiences as a 20-something single.

We found out much later that we were born two weeks apart in the LDS hospital.

This summer I went to my high school reunion and connected with great people I haven't seen since college. Although they would like to keep in touch, I am reluctant to do so because they are so involved in the church.

My sisters and a cousin are really good friends too--all ex-mormons.

He sounds manipulative and controlling. Good for you that he's an Ex.

Susie

I'm happy you posted on this. I do have several LDS friends who are still friends with me despite my leaving the LDS faith but our friendship was based on others things, not just church.
Also, I don't bash the LDS church when I am around them, I respect them for staying LDS, just like they are respecting my decision to leave. other than these several friends it was hard to have LDS female friends when you are over 40, single and in a family ward. I felt shunned lots of times. All of my other female friends are from childhood and other areas of my life.

There is a general theme with women in the LDS church and long standing friendships. Most don't seem to survive one leaving the church and women, in general, are able to keep long standing friendships that are not church related.
Very interesting.

Yes, I had 2 and only 2 after living in the same ward for 30 yrs.
I do not think many mo women make close friends, because they are too afraid to let the walls down and admit that things are not perfect in their own homes and lives.

My 30 yr. old best friend is still my best girlfriend, even though she is still active. She is very openminded and always wants to hear about all of my criticisms of the church. Kind of funny, but she remains active, though not like she used to be, misses a lot of meeting and I even taught her to turn down callings that stink.

The second friend: I was made her VTer when she was totally inactive. She is, I think, 13 yrs. younger than me, a real pretty gal. I told the RS that I would VT on one condition, that I could go alone -no partner to deal with. So they gave me her.

We were both married, she inactive , me TBM. After a few years I got her active in the church. She then divorced her inactive husband who was a drunk as well. So for a couple of years we were both active.

Then I left the church and got divorced. Now she is sort of half active, but not really exmo, just having fun, and sleeping with her favorite man friend all the time.No one in the ward suspects. It is our little secret.

We have a lot of good laughs about this funny history we have together- I can sort of see why they want everyone to go with a partner. It is so much easier to get real, be honest and never even teach a lesson when you go alone. And I do not remember ever teaching her even one.

No. When you leave, they lose respect for you and become afraid that the apostasy cooties will land on them.

Anagrammy

Ironically most of my friends were not Mormon. And the ones that were Mormon were definitely not in my ward and were very open minded.

I do have one dear friend that I have known since second grade, and we are both 44 years old now. She is Mormon but not really active. She knows I am no longer a believer and it hasn't affected our friendship at all. I think that because our friendship never centered around the church, we were school friends and we rarely discussed religion.

Another friend of mine from middle school was not Mormon when we became friends. Over time she became interested in the church and I helped her get missionary lessons and eventually she was baptized (my bad) When she first found out I left the church she was pretty snooty about it. I continued to be nice and friendly to her and eventually she came around, sort of. Our friendship has definitely cooled.

I never fit in with the girls in my ward. I always felt like such an outsider at church. It was like when everyone around you is in on a joke except you. I realized years later that these girls were so geeky and weird. As I grew older and attended church I still didn't feel as though I fit in. When I lived in Pleasant Grove I did become friends with one woman in the ward who was from out of state and therefore a little more open minded than most. However that friendship basically fizzled when she became a part of a group of women that met every month for dinner and she told me that she would have invited me but "They didn't want the group to become too big" and the maximum number they would allow was six. WTF? I'm sure exactly what Jesus would have done. Anyway it felt like I had just stepped back to high school and I wasn't a part of the cool crowd. Again, looking back, I have realized that the cool crowd in the Mormon church would basically be considered the misfits in the normal world. Not that there's anything wrong with misfits ;)

As a young child I had a few close LDS girlfriends. But by 5th grade or so ALL my friends were nevermo. I have 6 very good friends from high school (graduated in 1970) and we still get together once a year for a girls week-end. We are all very close,and they were thrilled when I left the church. As an adult at church,no,I never had close girlfriends. I usually felt like an outsider. But I have 3 very close friends (besides my high school friends) that are nevermo that I feel very comfortable with,not judged,and I can tell them anything. 57 years in the mormon church and not 1 mormon girlfriend now.

You know it's funny, I had loads of LDS girlfriends until we all started having babies. Not long after my first baby everyone started slowly disassociating from me. I was so distressed, because I had no idea what was going on. Then I realized that they were all spreading rumors about me, that I had liposuction or breast lifts after having my kid.

I couldn't believe how ridiculous the whole thing was. They didn't want to be friends with me because I hadn't packed on requisite 40lbs that Mollies gain after their first litter? Give me a break. That's what happens when you have a job waitressing as opposed to sitting on your rump at home all day.

I have one girlfriend that I've had since high school and that is over 50 years. We aren't in the same state but we talk everyday online. She held me up through the death of my husband and I held her up when she was taking care of her father. Neither one of us were Mormon when in high school. I joined with my husband then resigned. She joined years later and is still a member. I think our friendship has survived because we came from the same background and time period. Whether or not we are Mormon doesn't matter.

I don't know what I would do without the Internet and email~ I love it to keep in touch with my girlfriends -- all in their 50's to 80's~! It's a wonderful connection. We can type what we are thinking without anyone overhearing us. Another bonus!

We can spend time answering emails and not tie up the phone, for instance. We can be doing other things, (multitasking-I'm doing laundry right now), while I am on the computer "talking" to friends.

I have other girlfriends that I need to allow some time for a long phone call, probably 1/2 hour to an hour or more.


We can use IM or Chat on Facebook also.

There are so many new ways now days to keep in touch and be "there" for each other.
And, yes, sometimes we send funny "forwards" to each other also. It's one of the ways we care about our girlfriends! It's fun get get "funnies" in email. It is one of the ways I start my day off with a laugh, which is the best!