I'm a college freshman, currently home in Utah on Christmas break. I'm the 6th of 7 siblings in a what I'd call an uber-LDS family. My father has always been in the Bisphoric. I'm the first of my brothers and sisters *not* to attend BYU. All my older siblings have served missions, temple married, started families in their 20s...

I grew up in a Mormon glass bubble, socializing almost exclusively in my ward/family. I can't say I questioned the church much. When I got into a name brand school on the east coast, my parents agreed to let me not attend BYU. On move in day, I was the only one on my floor who didn't have family along with them. I flew across the country and got set up in an unfamiliar city alone, because my parents and siblings were tied up with church activities or babies. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise, because they surely would've been uncomfortable with my biracial neighbor whose parents were helping him hang rainbow flags on his door.

Basically, in September I got an ice bath in diversity, intellectualism, and the world outside the Utah Mormon enclave. One thing that really got under my skin was that I felt like compared with my classmates who are all non-Mormon from various states and countries, I had somehow completely missed my intro to adulthood. They'd gained so much knowledge and responsibility from being able to do or at least discuss things Mormons deem taboo. And they seemed so much more well spoken than anyone from my life in Utah. By comparison I felt like an unknowing, stupid child.

Over fall break I went to stay at the house of a classmate who lived within driving distance, and that's when the tables turned. I could go on and on about her liberal, Catholic family, the first non-Mormons I'd stayed overnight with. It was honestly like a fairytale awakening type experience staying with them for 3 days. They were so sincere and so cool. Just seeing the caring, mature way they all spoke to each other made me start to see the Mormons I'm familiar with in a sort of deficit light. I went to church with her family, and I was completely blown away. I thought it was beautiful and uplifting, and after having heard a trained Priest speak... wow, major difference. This probably sounds naive and unspecific, but I don't want to launch into a boring 2000 word fangirl tribute to a friend's family :)

In summary: that evening I had a cappuccino, and I promptly stopped attending church. By December, I had come to view Mormonism as a silly set of prescribed charades. And I started to feel angry about all the time and money my parents have put in, among many other things.

Being back in Utah for Christmas has been kind of... soul crushing. Everything about Mormonism embarrasses and depresses me, but of course I felt obligated to pretend otherwise. I can't begin to imagine even letting on to my family that I don't have a testimony.

That's about it. Probably lame to many here. I'm just wondering if anyone can relate... especially to the feelings of humiliation. I'm so down right now that I turned to the internet. I feel practically embarrassed to exist, embarrassed on behalf of my family. Like I want to runaway, and create an alias that has never been to Utah or heard or Mormons.

I know exactly how you feel, lostgirl. I'm often embarrassed for myself that it took me until the age of 31, after marrying in the temple, having three kids, and graduating law school. I'm far too smart to have taken as long as I did to discover the truth. Either way, though, you now have your whole life ahead of you to discover beauty, joy, and peace.

I'm a college freshman who has recently lost my belief in the church as well. I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel humiliated. Listening to my mom (the only active member in my family) talk about her calling and anything involving church makes me feel embarrassed for her in an odd way. I also find it humiliating when people who know about my Mormon past say anything about it or assume that I still am active. I hate the fact that people think I’m somehow involved in a cult. Coming to this board really helps. I lurk here pretty much every day and don’t post much. Just by frequently visiting here I have learned so much and it has helped me not to be afraid of leaving something I was taught my whole life to be loyal to.

The world is big, full of interesting people and ideas, and very diverse.

Enjoy your time away from Utah and be glad that you are still so young to come to the conclusions that you have.

And yes, Mormonism is embarrassing.

Wow, your life is just beginning!! Your REAL life that is... you know... the one YOU get to design. Believe me, sister, it just gets better, and better, and better, and...

Of course we can relate to being COMPLETELY humiliated by our mormon families. You'll figure out all that family stuff eventually. Now is lostgirl's time. You should keep detailed notes on everything that your family say's or does for the next few years, as well as your own experience in this time of transformation, and write yourself a best seller!!

When you really come to realize that for the first time in your life, you're REALLY free, you're going to be SOOOO happy you won't be able to stop SMILING!!! You're awesome, and soon you'll be back in school -I'M SO JEALOUS!

Everything is opportunity now. Enjoy it. At 43 Mormonism still both embarrasses and infuriates me but I am learning to make peace with some of it. I am working at defining who I am becoming and not being defined by who I was.

Best of luck. Take it slow and things will become clear with time. Feel free to come here and post for support.

Enjoy college— it's a great time,

I agree. Enjoy college. YOU made a choice to go to a different college and it is working for you. YOU already knew you could not do the BYU thing. YOU already felt a need to spread your wings. As I look back over my life, the yrs. in college were the best way to expand your horizons. You learn about people in ways you can't in your own community and in your case, your bubble. If you take it slow and inch your way out of the LDS cult, you will feel better about everything.

Sometimes, family shows that you are not as important as their church (not taking you to college on that first day for instance) and that will most likely continue. It would be easy to feel sorry for yourself. But you must remember....you can't expect much from people who want to judge you always by whether you are following the path they expect for you. It is time to begin making your own path and enjoying all you feel is in store for you. Do not allow family to hold you back. And keep making tons of friends. Just be careful how much you allow yourself to spread your wings, because you don't want to do anything just because it is available. You know who you are and what matters to you.

And no matter what Mormons say there are many good religious people and non religious people in the world. You sound like a very nice person who is ready to be that adult they didn't allow you to become. Be kind to parents and siblings, but over time let them know you are creating your own life in your own way. Good luck with your studies.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/30/2010 06:45AM by honestone.

This site is proof you are not alone. Your taste of real life this year is proof the mormonism is a charade. The question now is... what will you do? I am happy that you have arrived at this place at your age and have it in your own hands to decide.

From my experience, a person who did not come to your realizations until much older (35), I had already entangled myself much more in the web of deception and experienced the loss of a spouse and shunning of children. The truth is, the more you come to depend on the church, the more you will have to lose when you decide to leave it. If you are okay with not really having that option later, then continue on the way your family desires. Otherwise, leave as soon as you can.

There is an old interview I read the other night about William Law, the guy who was a counselor to Joseph Smith who left the church when he found out about polygamy and other secret things going on. He did not go out quietly and ended up losing his financial holdings because of it. At that time, it would have been better for him to go out quietly. But he said that he didn't have the wits about him at the time even though many of his friends urged him to go away quietly. What he did do was set up a press called the Nauvoo Expositor declaring the secret marriages of Joseph Smith and others, which led to Joseph Smith having the press destroyed, his arrest, and later his death. William Law didn't go out quietly, he had to go out of his was just to stay alive once it was known he was an outsider.

You will have to weigh out this questions. Do I go away quietly? Do I pretend for a while or forever? Or do I come to grips with it and set out head on? Each way will have its consequences.

My advice is to not de-ride your family's beliefs but rather stick up for your own right to choose and to dis-believe. Then follow your path towards a real life, showing them it can be done. Be an example to your younger siblings, friends, cousins, aunts, and uncles. Try not to get into doctrinal debates rather use your energy to stick up for your freedom to choose. Your life will be the proof of the correct choice.

That's putting it mildly.

I left the mormon church in college too. It wasn't easy but was much better than doing it after a temple marriage and several blessed baptized children.

You're seeing how far you have to go now that you've had these experiences. It's daunting, yes, but do-able.

What you've already accomplished is amazing. Take a breath and pat yourself on the back. Don't rush into telling your family or resigning until you feel more ready. There's plenty of time. Your priorities for now need to be colege learning practicing the college life outside of the mormon culture. Sounds like you're up to the task.

It might always be hard not having a family backing up your nonmo accomplishments, but it's worth it to do it on your own. I've always been a little sad that no one I knew as a child cares or supports what I do, but there are worse challenges in life than that.

I'm happy for you.

If you knew how jealous some of us are of you. I agree with Cheryl that it can be daunting knowing that you have to walk the minefield of family disappointment while at the same time discovering the beautiful real world that is out there for you. But yes, it's do-able and you will do it.

I discovered the life you're discovering now much later in life. After living in this world that is so much more interesting, intellectually stimulating, filled with real people, real families who love and support each other unconditionally, and where you are free to make your own decisions and find out what is right for YOU, it is so hard to go back and be around Mormons and their shallow rule-controlled world. But with time, learning how to do that comes easier. You are so lucky to figure it out in college and not years later when you have a spouse and children and in-laws and many more complications to deal with.

I think you're smart to stay quiet around family for the time being, at least until you get more comfortable in your own post-mormon skin. It will come to you, just don't sweat it too much. Hundreds and hundreds of people on this board were from uber-mormon families and we relate. Your relating your story is NOT lame to anyone here. Stick around long enough and you'll read things that you'll relate to, that will give you wisdom and ideas and a good community of support.

I agree. I'm not brilliant,but I'm no dummy either. So why did it take me 57!!! years to find out the mormon church was a crock of lies. I am so embarrased for all the years I spent in the morg,and the 9 children I raised in the morg. Thankfully 5 are out. You seemlike a very strong,bright woman and I am very proud of you. Your life will be so much richer as an exmo and you have such a great life ahead of you. Good luck in all you do and keep us posted.

I had somehow completely missed my intro to adulthood.
Amen.

...being able to do or at least discuss things Mormons deem taboo.
Amen.

Just seeing the caring, mature way they all spoke to each other made me start to see the Mormons I'm familiar with in a sort of deficit light.
Amen.

I had come to view Mormonism as a silly set of prescribed charades.
Amen.


You just articulated exactly what I felt when I went to graduate school in Indiana in the late '80's after graduating from BYU.

Thank you for giving me the words I've been searching for for the last 20 something years.

You're miles ahead of where I was in my 20's.
You'll do just fine.

Arm yourself with all the truth you were never taught about the world, science and Mormonism. When you are challenged by your family, use this knowledge to show them that it is they who are lost, who have foolish notions and double standards.

I catch my family all the time saying stupid things about dark skin being a curse. I tell them that for a curse, it does a great job stopping people getting skin cancer, which is why people get darker the closer to the equator their ancestors lived. Ask them why people who originated in hot, sunny places had ancestors that sinned so much, while those in cold, cloudy climates are fair and delightsome.

When they go for a flu shot I hassle them about how they must believe in evolution. Why would a deadly virus put here by God change to adapt to anti-virals? Ask them why they need updated antibiotics when good old penicillin should suffice.

Ask them exactly how legalizing gay marriage will erode marriage? Ask them how telling people it's OK to accept gays will create more gay people than are born. Ask them how old they were when they were attracted to both men/woman and if they can remember when they chose the opposite sex.

If they ask you to come to church say you don't want to attend anything founded by a paedophile who "married" 14yo girls. Tell them you hate racism so hate Mormonism. Tell them you believe in empathy and love of all men like Jesus taught. Tell them you don't support a religion that has so many pro-war members.

Show them it is they who are lost and are teaching anti-Christ messages.Hold a mirror up to them and let them see the pig shit that is Mormon dogma.

You are seeking light. They are staggering around in the filth.

My heart warms to know smart young Mormons are figuring this thing out at an early age.

As someone else pointed out, follow your path with courage, and your life will be proof enough that Mormonism is not only not necessary for success, but in fact a positive hindrance to it.

Isn't Puck attending a brand-name east-coast school too? Maybe its the same one and there will now be two exMo young women represented there!

:-)

Putting the drumbeat out...

Lostgirl, keep an eye out for Puck's posts. You might be at the same school (or failing that, a similar school.)

What parents in their right mind would send a child cross-country *alone* to set themselves up for their first year of college in a strange city???

That is bizarre IMO.

My whole dang family drove me to another state and settled me into my dorm room my freshman year of college. (I come from one of those big, boisterous Catholic families you admire). Of course, I was mortified and embarrassed when my mom cried the whole time. Now the memory makes me smile.

Losing faith in Mormonism is life-shattering and I'm sorry for your pain. That being said, it's completely normal for a freshman to return home after the first semester and announce at the holiday dinner table that they are (take your pick):

1. Athiest
2. Gay
3. Communist
4. Democrat
5. Getting married
6. Dropping out of school to backpack across Europe

heh.

This is your growing time. Don't feel guilty for discovering Mormonism is a fraud. You are an adult now and you can choose your own path. Be kind to your family - they can't help who they are. But go ahead and create the kind of life YOU want to live.

;o)

Who announced her combination of your list. Unshocked, I replied, "That's what your freshman year is for!"

Welcome, LostGirl, but I see you as Found! ;)

Ha!

;o)

As you are discovering, a college education (under ideal circumstances) involves more, much more than your books and classes. It means living in a different environment, with diverse people, experiencing new things. Pretty cool, isn't it?

Like you, I felt I was traveling between two different worlds. I felt like a star traveler. Today Venus, tomorrow Mars. I loved my new world. I felt a sense of discomfort with my home world. I couldn't tell the people from my home world the full truth about my new and exciting experiences. They didn't have the framework to understand. And what I had to tell them might scare them. About many things, I remained silent.

This is normal. You are not the first, nor will you be the last college student to feel this way.

Please don't feel humiliated about your Mormon Utah background. You are just as much a part of the campus diversity as anyone else. The admissions office was aware of this when they selected you, and they wanted you for a reason. Your Catholic friend is learning from you just as you are learning from her. You are coming from a distant place and a closed culture. The experiences that you had coming from such a place will enlighten others, just as their experiences elighten you. Do not be ashamed of your origins. Take the best of what your place and culture had to offer you, and start to leave the rest behind.

I'm 50 years old and haven't forgiven mine for dragging me into the mind-crushing hole that is Mormonism. They weren't uber-LDS, and my mom wasn't even a member until after she married my dad, so there's really no excuse. I walked away 30 years ago but didn't realize it's a cult and a scam until 2003, after reading a book.

The Mormon church isolates and deprives people of experience, for purposes of separating them from their money. You are SO fortunate to be having a normal college experience and realizing how you've been limited at this age. I didn't really notice and start to think about it until I was about 40.

After a wasted year at the big churchy high school now known as BYU Idaho, I blew off the church and then lucked into a career that surrounded me with highly educated people and got me out into the world. My colleagues have no idea how much I've learned from them.

One thing I've learned is that most people feel freakish and alone in some way. Mormonism isn't even *that* weird or unfortunate, in the grand scheme of things that are weird and unfortunate. Even at a name-brand school on the east coast, you are surrounded by people with handicaps, many of which are a lot worse than yours.

So don't be embarrassed about your family. Just thank your lucky stars you're not at BYU, and don't even consider the possibility that that's not a good thing. It is good, very good.

munchy...which book did you read that clinched it for you that Mormonism is a fraud. Just had to ask. Hoping my daughter may one day read it.

A co-worker lent it to me. My dad had recently died, and I was on the tail end of thinking through my internet romance disaster that nearly ruined me and my dad's hand in my relationship history. I had connected it to the church, too, but only superficially. It's probably a good thing my dad wasn't around when I realized he'd dragged us all into a cult. (I've since realized my mom was driving that, but at the time I blamed my dad because he was the one who made me go to church.)

Keep in mind I'd blown off the church 23 years before and barely given it a second thought until this dirtbag tried to wreck my life. So I'm reading this book, and it's packed with all this history I've never heard, and what it says about Joseph Smith is reminding me A LOT of the dirtbag, and it hits me like a ton of bricks: He was a con man, and the church he started is a cult, and oh by the way the polygamous fundamentalist Mormons practice what he actually taught. It's the same religion. Huge, crashing epiphany.

What I took away from the book had a lot to do with my having had a particular experience, but anybody could read it and realize how the LDS church lies about its polygamous offshoots, about Joseph Smith, and about its history in general.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/30/2010 03:29PM by munchybotaz.

Welcome to the real world. It's a wonderful place full of so many opportunities and adventures. I hope you have the determination to stay here. One note of caution that has already been voiced in previous posts, don't get down on your parents. Just be cool and lay low until you're completely on your own. Your parents have done the best they could with the knowledge they had and with all the best intentions. Don't disrespect that but don't fall prey to it either. Best wishes! Keep in touch.

You are so lucky to discover this at a young age. I was 40 when the lights came on for me.

Like you the lds church is both humiliating and embarrassing for me. When I tell people I lived in Brazil, I don't want to tell them it was on a mission for the mormon church. If I do tell people I grew up mormon, I quickly let them know I no longer believe.

Best of luck to you and may you find you way in this new world you have discovered.

Thank you for posting your story. Mormonism tries so hard to stifle any individualism and creativity we might have. There is but one mold and we all must cram ourselves into it - no matter what!

Don't you just love the bright colors of reality?


Stunted.

It's really awful to feel yourself finally maturing when you are already 40 or 50 years old. Pat yourself on the back for having the courage to leave Utah, go to another school, and accept change. Many I know have rushed back to Utah to hide their heads in the sand because when they leave the intermountain west they have major anxiety. You now have the rest of your life to grow and heal from the chains you were raised in due to the good intentions of your family. You will feel better and happier every day from here on out. Congrats !

It's always been there,You now have the right to be you -- celebrate!

Everything about Mormonism embarrasses and depresses me,

It was the evil cappuccino that did you in! As soon as the hot caffeine(only the hot is bad for some reason...)touched your tongue, you let Satan take dominion over your body. Just go pee him out, and everything will be gumdrops, and unicorns again!

I get embarressed every time I am reminded of the foolish beliefs I used to have. I just force myself to laugh and move on. Welcome to the board!

I was 47 years old when I learned the truth about mormonism. Many others here were close to the same age, quite a few were older than that. We wish that we'd figured it out at your age. Our decisions would have been different which would have made our lives SO much better.

My best to you in an adulthood free of the constraints of mormonism. Enjoy ALL that life has to offer :)

TG

You can choose to look at the world of Mormonism from a stand-up comedian's perspective. Comedians are able to see truth, point out hypocrisy and contradictions and laugh about them. Out-processing can be a serious struggle for almost all born-in-the-church Mormons (I have compared it to having one's central nervous system ripped out and replaced), but being able to laugh at yourself and the old views you took so seriously, and that your family still takes seriously, can help.

Where humor and sarcasm end and biting criticism begins will depend on you, your family and the circumstances. I went through a contentious phase with my TBM parents in which I reclaimed power over my life and the meaning of my life, but now we have moved on to a relationship of fun, love, respect, and honesty. They have changed and so have I. We all had to be humble and kind to get here. Clearly expressing your love and gratitude to those who are still Mormons when you declare your independence might help. Some find the act of having their names removed from the Mormon Church's rolls helps them out-process also.

Welcome to a the world of your own choice....Enjoy

Take it one day at a time and and enjoy every minute. As a convert I cannot relate to growing up in the cult, but I can relate about being embarrassed about ever belonging to it. I NEVER tell anyone I was even associated with it for the brief time I was in it. I felt I was duped by everyone involved.

Another thought is if your parents are helping with school, you might want to ride it out a few years before dropping the news, so to speak. Also, think about where you want to live (besides Moville) and where you want to put down your roots.

I wish you all the best, lostgirl. You are not lost anymore. You have found your authentic self and a new and happy life awaits!

Hi, lostgirl,

Maybe you should change your nym, since you were lost before, but now you're not. You might be feeling lost, but you've found the real world, and will soon find your authentic self (as opposed to being stuck with a truncated, mormon version of yourself).

I live in a mormon community which continually embarrasses me with its all-too-evident poverty of spirit (ironic, that). I'm not mormon, but it's still embarrassing. We need to drag their sorry asses into the light.

+ 1 to everyone telling you your life is ahead of you!

Now is the time you get to find out who YOU really are and what YOU really want! You are not burdened to find an RM, pop out 6 kids before 30, and pretend to have a perfect life.

You get to make mistakes and learn from them; that's what experience is! I promise it will get better...You have perfect freedom now.

Hey, lostgirl,

I left LDS, Inc. my freshman year, too. The best thing I can say about leaving at that particular time in one's life, is no one expects you to have all the answers. Everyone expects you to be trying out new things, studying, discovering who you are, etc....So, please, don't be so hard on yourself.

I understand feeling embarrassed and stupid. Believe me, I went through the very same thing. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Even though you now know that information was inadequate, that's just dandy.

Enjoy yourself. Starting at a university in another state, you have the glorious opportunity to start over completely. No one needs to know anything about your religious upbringing unless you choose to divulge that. You get to be precisely whom you wish to be.

Trust yourself. And have a wonderful time. :)