How a little bit of Buddhism helped in my Exit Process from Mormonism.
Those who have studied Buddhism and understand The Four Noble Truths from Eastern thought as it translates to Western thinking, could explain the concept better, however, I will give it a shot, with a reference or two.
I am not a Buddhist nor have I made an in depth study of Buddhism. I do, however, find "truths" in some of the concepts found in the Four Noble Truths, most of which are not generally easy concepts for those with the Western mind, to grasp.
I have referred to a kind of snapshot synopsis of the Second Noble truth in the statement: the greatest unhappiness comes from emotional attachments to expectations.
It is the emotional attachment (feeling strongly connected by love, hate, greed, ill will, fear, anxiety,clinging etc.) to an outcome when it is does not meet our assumed, presumed, expectation that causes us the greatest suffering, unhappiness, hurt, anger, etc.
We all have expectations. Expectations, in and of themselves are not good or bad. They are just part of the process of life, which is always in flux. Nothing is permanent.
This is a very simple example: we expect the sun to come up, for instance, and, if we are sun worshipers, or have planned a huge costly event to be held outside, our emotional attachment to that expectation when not met (it rains, for instance!) might very likely result in great disappointment, anger, or any number of strong emotional responses.
In relationships, another example: we expect people to know that our feelings are hurt, know that we took offense, know we are unhappy with what someone said or did, and then we often have an emotional attachment (strong feelings) to the expectation that they will apologize for our suffering which, in many cases, we brought upon ourselves because of misinformation, lack of information, etc, misinterpretation, thinking someone was talking about us, when it was someone else, and any number of other reasons. What we create in our minds, and then attach strong emotions to, will often result in suffering.
Here is a reference that will elucidate the concept from Buddhism:
http://www.longleaf.net/ggrow/Buddhism.html"The Second Noble Truth says that:
Suffering is Caused by Attachment
Suffering arises because everything changes, everything is impermanent. Everything is in process, all the time.
Whenever we hope to find any lasting happiness by means of something that is changing, suffering results.
This means that nothing in the realm of ordinary human experience can provide lasting happiness, and trying to force things to stand still and make us happy is itself the main source of misery.
"Attachment" in Buddhism extends far beyond the sense of "greed" or "clinging" to something closer to what the Christian tradition would call "pride"--a self-centered isolation, the separate selfhood, "ego" in the worst sense.
This selfhood acts upon others and the world as if they were forever separate from oneself, generating what author Charlene Spretnak described as "the continuous chain reaction of craving, jealousy, ill will, indifference, fear, and anxiety that fills the mind."
This is a deep, pervasive, but normal kind of alienation--one seemingly built into the nature of the human nervous system.
The most pervasive form of self-centered suffering takes place as we project upon everyday experience a huge burden of extraneous interpretations, associations, fantasies, emotions, painful memories, and diversions. We act then with the Buddhist big three problems: greed, aversion, and delusion. Greed sucks things in to our purposes, violating their natures as necessary. Aversion shoves things away, denies, distorts, destroys them--again violating their natures. In the state of delusion, we float, confused, not seeing, not knowing, insulated from the pain and salvation of deep experience.
Instead of seeing each moment as it is, we react to each moment from our past pain and frustration; then we react to the pain and frustration; then we react to that reaction; and so on and on. In this way a special form of mental torment is created that consists of seemingly endless layers of pain, negative emotion, self-doubt and self-justification--known in Buddhism as "samsara," the illusory world we think of as real. It is what, in honest moments, many people might call "normality."
I think of it this way: Instead of experiencing life directly, we create a worldview and experience it. That worldview serves to protect us through a system of explanations; but it also makes each of us into an isolated self, separated from nature, from real experience, from spirituality, and from one another--causing all experience to be distorted and "out of joint," and ourselves to suffer from living at one remove from life. We are nearly always, in some degree, outsiders to the world and even to our own experience"
Getting out of that emotional attachment to suffering is included in the concept of the Third Noble Truth, which is about becoming free from those attachments.
When I have no emotional attachment to an outcome, or expectation, I am free from any personal suffering, or emotional angst.
Leaving Mormonism I had certain expectations that had solid, and severe, emotional attachments. I expected people to understand. I had a strong emotional attachment to that expectation, and when they did not understand, I was upset, angry, tried to explain it over and over, getting more and more frustrated.
For instance, when I realized that it was my emotional attachment to expectation of other people (friends, loved ones, family members) that was causing my own suffering, and determined to let go, (which was difficult to do and took a lot of practice!), I began to relax, feel at peace, and know what freedom from emotional attachments meant.
My relationships with other people began to become easy and relaxed as I slowly let go of the emotionally attached to any expectation that they would be kind, angry, upset, happy, mad, know when I was hurt, helpful, distrustful, betray me, etc.
I realized that I cannot change people, cannot bully them into living by my rules and expectations, give me what I want. I have no need to play head games, or use aggressive, or passive aggressive methods to gender compliance (if only lip service) to my wants and desires.
I don't know if this makes sense -- it is a difficult concept to put into words and on paper, so to speak.
I do know the freedom of how liberating it is to take my power back and give myself permission to release myself from emotional attachments to expectations of other people.
I'm still working on it. It's a continual process. When it works, it works well!