Pain has forced me to stay in bed today. Anyone have any entertaining, or crazy stories to share? :)

Cabbies sometimes make house calls, just like doctors...

So if you saw that thread I put up yesterday at Will Bagley's request, republishing his reply to HuffPo they'd rejected, I'd been given a Word copy of it at the same time he sent it to MormonThink.

I also have minor "editing" privileges... Will knows I'm competent, and trust me, I cherish his fact-checking skills on my own stuff.

So anyway, if you check out the MT "version," you'll note he speaks of "goons" in a bishopric in California telling his father "They knew more than he thought."

I changed that one to tone it down a bit and let him know. He playfully shot back to me "I called them goons because they were goons!"

So I told him he was preaching to the choir and mentioned a story of my brother who was shacked up with a gal who was receiving church funds for her children. Seems the bishop and his underlings started harassing her, etc.

So one day my mother got a letter saying my father was also "having an affair" with that woman because his truck was parked in front of her house overnight for a week or so...

Yeah, my brother had borrowed it to haul some stuff...

I related the whole story to my mother yesterday, and she said sweetly, "Your dad didn't get in trouble for that one."

Take it away Norma Rae... She's RFM's grand mistress of this kind of stuff...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/07/2012 03:49PM by SL Cabbie.

? Did you read my 'Setting up the chairs'?

PM or email me if you didn't, it's stale here.

manderst@yahoo

"Crazy Mormon" is oxymormonic.

Did you hear the one about the polygamist and his 50 wives who wanted a backstairs tour of the Beehive House?

Probably already posted this but one time when I was still a TBM, the bishop of the ward held a combined R.S. priesthood meeting, in order to discuss reverence. He mentioned that it was starting to get "loud" during sacrament meeting, and that if we had kids that were babbling or misbehaving to take them out immediately.

I was one of about five families that had a babbling baby. I felt like he was directing his talk at me.

I raised my hand and said, "I thought children couldn't technically misbehave until aftery they're baptised. I actually think we could learn something from little children in sac mtg."

Bishop: "They might not misbehave but their parents sure can." Not exactly sure what he meant by this, but it felt like a dig and really upset me. Laughter echoed throughout the Relief Society room at this comment.

Later that day, the Bishop shows up at my house and asks to come in. I let him in.

He said, "You don't contradict the Bishop. Did you see anyone else making comments? I was speaking and you weren't supposed to interrupt me."

I think at that point I started my journey out of mormonism. BTW, my hero of a husband told hime to GTFO.

rqt....you were much more diplomatic than I would have been...what a self important a$$hole your bishop was...

Ron Burr

I've posted this before, but it still makes me laugh. Someone from our ward posted on FB wanting to know, "How do YOU tell your friends that Jesus was a Mormon?" Nobody answered, so after a few hours, she said, "Anyone?" Finally sithlord answered and told her she shouldn't do that, it's offensive to every other Christian religion.

Have you heard, "How Prince Romney Fell Off the White Horse"?

I was seriously considering moving out of the state had he remained in that saddle.

A pair of Mormon missionaries, a JW, and a Scientology recruiter walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the f--k out."

+1,000!!!

The Mormons were excommunicated later for being in a bar.

"The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Look at him! A glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’ Yet wisdom is justified by her deeds.” Mat. 11.19 ESV

I get stuck in bed with pain for days on end. One day we had an appointment with the sp; to get our temple sealing squared away.

He sat at his desk all prim. His hands making the shape of a teepee on his desk.

Now, sister Mia, I want you to tell me what you are doing with your life. What do you do all day? Do you go out for nice lunches with friends? Do you go out to great restaurants for cocktails?

I was stunned. I was a recommend holding member. I wasn't well. It would have been bliss if someone had invited me for lunch. Nobody did. I was furious at his implications.

I told Him I wasn't well and spent most of my time bed ridden and in pain. Did he have a problem with that? No, nobody ever called me and invited me anywhere. Oh, and I don't drink.

He obviously didn't believe me. He refused to let me be sealed to my husband of 20 years. There have been few people in my life that disgust me the way that smarmy worm did.

I felt a bit better when I saw him by himself out in the woods looking for things to take pictures of. It was Monday night. He was all alone. We later drove by his house. His family was all there except him. He was out indulging his hobby instead of being with his family on family night. K just figured his family has had enough of him.

I'm sorry. That's horrible! False accusations get me sooooo mad.

Ah hahahaha "You don't contradict the bishop" ah hahahahaha. Loser.

Young Womans leader pulled my dad aside one day and told him I probably had psychological problems. I had refused to sit in the front during a lesson and some girls followed suit.

oh

And this one time during a singles ward FHE meeting (I was the head of this terribly stressful calling)... I had introduced my non-member friend as my wife (this was right after the Prop 8 vote ) I asked a sister to give a spiritual thought before we started and suggested the Bible. She ran out for a book of mormon and came back and bore her testimony about how she had felt persecuted over the Prop 8 thing but it was going to be okay because somewhere in Nephi it says all the opposition would burn...and this was comforting to her.... My friend and I were tickled by this...a few other people were bothered by what she said...the look on their faces said it all.


oh my gawd why did I not leave sooner..

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Californians don't screw in light bulbs. They screw in hot tubs.

I was unconscious for nearly 24 hours straight this time around because of the pain. It took me a while to recover and get some strength back. It's been nice to come back and see this was replied too! Thanks! :D Very funny and interesting things!

Small Mormon town.
Convert moved in with four children ages 15 to 8

Very nice lady, sings, stylish,etc.

Meets a nice neighbor man. They take their cats in their car carriers to the vet. To save gas/expenses and to get to know each other they travel together. The town is an hour drive away.
Gone all day come home that evening. Wonderful time.

Sunday morning the Bp calls her into his office. She has violated Mormon dating rules!!! (She's a convert and must be reprimanded.) No long drives in a car alone. No all day dates. No going places together to save gas. No leaving four well behaved children in the care of the now 17 year old.
But the worst, the very worst thing was he wasn't a member!!!!!!

She was 45 years old at the time and had supported her children by her self since before the youngest was born. She was buying her own house and owned her own car, she wasn't on church assistance...but she must follow the non-existant priesthood in her home!!!

A very righteous (in her own mind at least) TBM once told me that she was worried about her daughter wearing short skirts and tight fitting clothing and dating a non-mo boy and that by her doing so, she wouldn't be able to join her and her husband in the Celestial Kingdom. My first thought was WTF?....don't you kind of presume a lot by thinking you've got a seat on that train???

Ron Burr

"I've given many a man an eulogy straight to the celestial kingdom when I knew damn well they'd never make it halfway."

- J. Golden Kimball

A few days after I sent my resignation letter to the Church Office Building, the bishop knocked on my door, despite the fact that my notarized letter had specifically mandated "no further contact". I decided to let him in--not because I was in the least way intimidated by his office, but because I'd known him for years and liked him rather well. We chatted for about an hour. On his way out the door--once we had firmly established that there was no dissuading me from choosing to languish in the Telestial for all eternity--he cheerily handed me a business card and asked if I might be interested in making some investments. I was amused rather than angry, and laughingly related the story to my mom the next day. Without informing me of her intentions, she went to the church, found the bishop in his office, and read him the riot act. Weeks later, I learned what she had done. I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him. I don't think it even occurred to him to wonder if he might be making a faux pas.

I'm sorry you are in such pain. I'll tell you my funny nursing story.

I was young with five little children, the youngest 10 months old when I moved into my new ward in Pleasant Grove, Utah. I was still nursing so I sat up front so the least number of people would see me (covered) nursing my baby.

Even so, the bishop called me into his office and asked me to stop--there had been complaints.

"Complaints!" I objected--who would complain? No one can see me!"

"It is the bishopric that finds it...distracting."

LOL!

Anagrammy

At the white coat ceremony of a professional program male mormon announces that the women should not be there *especially* the mormon women because they were just going to get pregnant anyway and they were taking away spots from men who could have used this profession to provide for their families...!

My family recently held our grandmothers funeral at the LDS church as my parents are members. I’m a singer and the one thing my grandmother requested was i sing her favorite song, Sweet Caroline (her name was Carol) during the song, i asked my mom and dad to come up and dance as that was what my grandparents used to do while the song play, a passing of the torch so to speak. They did. It was beautiful. My grandfather then passed away one month later so my parents proceeded to set up the same situation. Expect that wasn’t as possibilty as quote from the bishop “what was done in the chapel was not only offensive but a sin, i ask that your son (me) not be involved or invited to the funeral (me being gay doesn’t help the situation) luckily my parents kindly told him to fuck off and have not looked back. We held my grandfathers funeral at a nondinomination church where we could sing and yell and say fuck all of we wanted.

Well, I don't know how much this fits, but:

When I was the R.S. president, I was often required to go to a non-active women's home. She like to pretend that she was only inactive due to her family's problems (of which there were many).

. She had a bed-ridden mother, who regualary reported that her deceased husband slept in the bed next to her, every night.

. She told me her husband had taken out a loan on their house, and had died his hair, as he was carrying on an affair with a woman in Florida he met on line, and planned to take the house-loan money with him, to support all his shenanigans.

. She was supporting a teen-aged daughter (with no visible income), whom her husband had seduced, and who had a 'Downs Syndrome' child--who was actually not DS, but the victim on incest from her father.)

She encouraged her grown daughters teen daughter to have an affair with a young man, in the hope of getting her pregnant, so as to qualify for more welfare. (The boys parents yanked him out of her house, and denied any wrong-doing on his part--so the woman got no financial benefit from this affair, after-all.)

. She asked me what she should do about all this. She and the D.S. granddaughter ended up living together (I presume on welfare), after her husband left.

. She always asked me incredibly dumb questions, like, "Do you think this is OK?".

. I found a couch that I arranged to have taken to her house (as she had sold her only couch.)

. And etc., and so-forth.
-----

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, so I began to just ignore her on any occasion when we happened to met.

One Sunday, she showed up at church (I presume in order to keep getting church welfare), and her D.S. granddaughter, at seeing me, excitedly pointed me out to her.

I refused to acknowledge them, and turned away (as I refused to be taken as a sucker).
---

Well, 'Stuck in bed', does that give you enough to think about, and ponder what you would have done in my place?

(As Jimmy Durante used to say, "I've got a million of 'um, a million of 'um".)

Why I will not resign from the church.

Many years ago my cousin called me. My aunt was in a nursing home and somehow some red clothing was mixed in with her garments at wash time and turned the garments pink.

My cousin asked if I could go and buy her new garments as my cousin was out of town.

I told him I didn't have a recommend. He said it was not a problem they can look you up in the computer and see if you were endowed.

So I go to the garment store, list in hand and am looking around at all the pink packages.

A nice elderly lady came over and tried to steer me to the men's section. I handed her my list and told her my story. She filled the order while telling me what a nice young man I was helping my aunt.

She took me to the counter and explained to the cashier how I was helping my aunt.

The cashier asked for my recommend. I told her I keep it in my suitcase so I won't lose it.

She said it was no problem, she'd look in the system. She nust needed ID with my birthday.

I wisely handed her my military ID. I didn't was to give them anything with my address.

She smiles and looks in the computer. Then she looks confused. She looks at me, my ID then the computer.

Soon several women are doing the same thing.

Finally the manager comes over, takes my ID. he stares at it, stares at the computer and finally hands my ID back to me and says.

"Sorry brother. The church thinks you are dead."

My favorite personal experience in the temple. A cousin was getting married, and about 20 people got invited to participate in the sealing ceremony. An out-of-towner family member for the groom was there too. In the middle of the sealer's big speech about marriage, the out-of-towner faints between me and my brother. As he came to a few seconds later, he yells "OH F*%K!!" It's the only time I remember an F bomb being dropped in the temple. I remember wondering what would happen next. Would he pull out a flask to "revive" himself? If only...

Nope.

How 'bout you?