So, back in may of this year, I ignorantly filled out and turned in mission papers without even thinking twice, because living in Utah, the expectation from family and community was so high, that I just automatically thought that's what I needed to do.

Since then, I have actually thought about what I would be getting myself into, and decided to study both sides of the spectrum of mormonism. I have been doing extensive research hours and hours everyday for the past 3 months. The LDS church is not true. (my experiences and things I have learned over these 3-4 months obviously go into greater detail, but thats a different story for a different time).

Anyway, I'm supposed to leave in October, and I have prepared a 6 page letter to my parents, explaining to them why I will not be serving a mission. They think I am still planning on going, I just haven't said anything about it because i'm still trying to learn as much as I can to back up the criticism and arguments i'm going to have to deal with afterwards.

It is going to be extremely hard for me to go through this, and I plan on telling them in the next week or two. Is there any advice to make this easier on me? Anything specific I should say? Good things to tell my family?

I'm nervous for that day, but I simply can't fake it, and go on a mission.

I can't offer much but I will be thinking about you. This is a big and tough decision that you've made for yourself but it's one of only a truckful of decisions you will have to begin to make for the rest of your life. I applaude you in your willingness to stop and think about how big this will play into your life. I hope that your family won't take it too hard and will respect your right to make decisions but it all our mormon families were like that then there wouldn't be boards like this!

Good luck and I'm sending good vibes your way!!

Thank you! :) I will update after the that brutal day goes down and let everyone know how it went. hopefully it goes well... i'm really nervous.

I am having a similar situation trying to talk to a friend. I know what to say - just don't how to start it out so that she will listen and not shut me out.

Personally, I think six pages is too much info and while you write it so that they understand, they won't be open enough early on to see any side but theirs. Don't know if your parents were BIC or converts, but if BIC, tell them they made a choice as an adult to continue in the church their parents raised them in. If your parents are converts, then you can say that as adults, they made their own religios decision to join the LDS faith and you would like the same privilege of choosing which religion if any is right for you. It is simply asking them to respect you and it doesn't put them or their religion down in any way. Just a suggestion. And whatever you decide, it won't be easy. Best to you.

Mom and Dad, you're going to be disappointed and I'm sorry, but I've absolutely decided that it would be a mistake to go on a mission now or in the near future. I don't think it's a good idea to give all of the reasons because they would upset you and incidentally, none of them are related in any way to sinning. I'm just doing what is best for me at this time in answer to sincere prayers, study, and pondering. I must do what is right for me and I know that as hard as it is, you can come to terms with the disappointment.

Then change the suject to what you'll do instead, school, job, other plans.

+1 for this excellent reply

the more information you give them at this point, the more ammo they will have to use against you. protect yourself by keeping the news direct, brief and unmovable!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/18/2010 02:14AM by beautiful_restitution.

I will also be sending good thoughts your way.

I am so glad to see that you were able to give this some actual thought and truly make a decision for yourself, instead of just giving in to the peer pressure.

You sound like a very intelligent and well-thought-out kid. Hopefully your family will know this about you, and will be able to take that into account when you tell them.

Good luck!

"I love you and I hope you will still love me. You haven't done anything wrong. I'm not offended or sinning. I just studied my way out. I know this is hard for you. Please tell me if there is anything I can do to help you. I'm so grateful to have parents who love me unconditionally and raised me to think for myself."

I wouldn't get into any arguments about either your decision or the reasons you've come up with. Your parents aren't going to be in a position to think clearly after you hit them with the news. Arguing just causes hurt feelings.

Remember, it isn't your fault they are in a church that asks them to put it before their own children.

Go you. I wish I had the insight to realize the church was fake at your age. I'm behind you 100%.

Also, I agree that six pages may be a lot. Maybe a shorter letter and then you can trot out the reams of evidence after they ask for it?

And in small, bite-sized pieces?

Heresy's post reminded me of a few things.

When I had my big chat with my father, he somehow felt that I was doing this TO him. I explained to him that it wasn't really about him, that he had done a good job and taught me to think for myself. As an adult, I had made a decision about how to live MY life.

It will be hard for your parents because we all know how important being perceived as righteous is in that community, (and of course parents are all judged on how righteous their kids are) but hopefully they'll be able to see that you not going is better than sending someone out who doesn't believe.

Do you have somewhere to live should this go badly? I suggest you move VERY slowly and deal with one thing at a time. I would first address the "I am not going on a mission" issue. Then take your time addressing the "its a crock" stuff.

Something along the lines of changing your mind about how you want to spend your life -- decided not to go on a mission.
The six page letter is really for you, not them. Too long and too much to challenge.

Maybe tell them it's your final decision, and it's not up for discussion but if they want to know your reasons, you'll tell them as long as there is no argument or emotional outbursts.

that you have all your ducks in a row. Should your parents react strongly in the negative you may need to have a safe place to crash for a long time and adequate money to support yourself (if *you* saved the money for a mission then make sure that money is in your name only). Do you have a job? If not, do your best to find one now. Make a detailed list of all your assets and be prepared to sell off some things.

This is all worst-case scenario and you know your parents better than anyone here. Just be prepared.

before you waste the time. Your parents will probably take it hard but they will survive. Scurry off to college as soon as you can! I can't imagine how hard the indoctrination process would be for a missonary who doesn't believe.

But good luck! Stay strong. And prepare for total rejection by them and everyone else.

Have courage. It's not easy. I refused to go. And I was a TBM!

When you tell them you're not going, they won't be of a mind to hear logical reasoning about why the church is not true. I think it's better to tell them you're not going and not get into scripture or history. There's time for that later if they're interested. You're an adult making the decisions for your life. It would be a mistake to go down a path that doesn't work for you.

Once they realize your mind is made up, they'll have to come to terms with it. But they'll probably never be willing to check out the facts and see that they've been living a lie and contributing to a fraudulent organization for so many years.

If they overreact, remember it's their church that set them up for this unhappiness. It isn't your fault that they've been programmed this way.

Good luck. Stay strong.

For the rest of your life, you will know you kept your integrity. You will never have to wince with regret because you allowed a corrupt authority to manipulate and control you.

If you don't follow your conscience, you will likely spend the rest of your life wishing you could go back and do the right thing. So hang in there and get through this time with your dignity. You'll be glad you did!

The six pages you wrote are for YOU.

It will be better if you don't dump a whole lot of information on your parents right now. It usually just makes things worse. It seems that when you present TBMs with information about why you no longer believe, they take it as an invitation to argue or prove you wrong. . . . and assume that if they can destroy your evidence, that you'll fall back into line. And then they often feel threatened and defensive about their beliefs. Chances are that you won't convince them that you are doing the right thing, anyway.

You have to be prepared for them to be sad, disappointed or worse. But also work toward realizing that it's OKAY not to please them. You are a grown adult. Your parents have lived their lives and made their decisions, and you have the right to live YOUR life and make YOUR decisions as well.

I think the main point is that you tell them that you no longer believe and you aren't going on a mission. They need to know that you carefully considered your decision. I think it also helps to reassure them that you love and respect them and still believe in . . . (fill in the blank with whatever good values you have learned that you intend to keep with you for the rest of your life).

It's normal/common/expected human behavior to be hurt, negative, critical, unhappy, angry, offended,take it personally, wonder what we did to deserve this...... and on and on when we have been rejected by family and friends for ...well, any reason.
Labeling it as cult or brainwashed behavior is not accurate at all in my view. It's just common old ordinary human behavior.
This is just how human beings behave and act when they think/feel they have been shunned, and rejected because of their traditional beliefs, or any other reason, also.

When I walked off of my mission after five weeks in the MTC, I faced a living HELL at home. I had no job, no wheels, and little cash. I was totally dependent on my family and their goal was to ride me until I hit rock bottom. Once they were convinced I wasn't going to return to my mission, my father turned the screws up on me even tighter. I remember him approaching me while I was sitting alone at the kitchen table and saying "I think it would be best for the family if you were to leave." I asked him to give me two weeks and he agreed. I had no idea what I would do or where I would go. I had a job but it didn't pay enough to support myself. I was also trying to figure out a way to get back to school. I was a mess. I think my mother finally came to her senses and recognized my situation and that if I were to leave, I would NEVER return. I think she put her foot down with my father when she approached me and said "You are not going anywhere. End of story."

If you choose not to go on your mission, you need to start planning the rest of your life. No sitting around, you need to show your family that you are not a bum...that you have other plans and goals. That will mean going to school, seeking a trade, somehow acquiring some sort of permanent employment. If you need your parents help, tell them that you can't do it yourself. That will help gauge their willingness to assist you. They might tell you to "stick it" and/or kick you out. I hope not. That would only indicate that YOUR mission was for THEM and not for YOU. Develop a back-up plan now for EVERY possibilty.

If you were my son I would sit down with you and say "O.K., the mission is out, lets figure out what you want to do with your life. I will contribute "X" amount of dollars towards your schooling and provide you with a car. As long as you stay in school, I will provide those things and allow you to live at home. You will have to get some sort of employment though and save your money. There won't be much spare time in your life to screw around with your friends. You are an adult now and have responsibilities." Those are words I CRAVED to hear from my father. Instead....he shit on me.

I have NO REGRETS about not going on a mission. As someone else said, "get your ducks in a row". Hopefully things will work out well for you. Either way, you will certainly gain a sense of what type of "family" you have.

Best of luck. My thoughts are with you.

You are doing so, in refusing to do something you do not want to do, for a cult you do not believe in.

Your parents, by remaining in a manipulative, controlling cult, are not governing their own lives. They can learn from you.

I agree with Cheryl, heresy, and others, that a long explanation is not necessary, and would only stir up more trouble. Remember, your parents are brainwashed, and unable to think logically.

You can relate to them on their level, by saying simply that you do not feel right about going on a mission. You don't need to debate religion or God. You are talking about YOUR life, YOUR decisions.

Why not tell them that you prayed about it and got an answer that God does not want you to go on a mission? That's the argument your parents are giving you to go.

The only things you need explain are:

1. You are not a sinner. You don't plan on sinning in the future.
2. You will have a happy, successful life without a mission.
3. Your decision is final, and not up for arguments. No, you don't need to talk to the bishop or to anyone else about this.

4. You could add a few other personal statements, such as those I made, because in my case they were true: that just because you refuse to devote two years of your life to the Mormon church, does not mean you don't believe in God or Christ, the Bible, The Ten Commandments, or want to be a good, law-abiding human being. Not at all! It does not mean you do not love your family, either.

Good luck! We are proud of you! It will not be easy, but you will not regret doing this.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/17/2010 10:16PM by forestpal.

You might just say you are not going for now and you need more time, especially if your family is paying for school.

"Maybe" might keep them paying lol.

You do have the right to change your mind without having to go into elaborate explanations.

Refuse to be drawn into lengthy "discussions" with family and refuse to be summoned to the bishop's or SP's offices.

NO is a complete sentence.

1st Congratulations. I wish I had done what you have done/are doing. You now have the opportunity to live life according to your own estimation of what is correct.

2nd With great freedom comes great responsibility. I'll echo Mr. Happy, and say you need some practical contingency plans. That's a tough thing, because you never know how family will react.

Also, it's important to live from a foundation of personal beliefs (religous/spiritual, secular, a mix whatever) that transcends Mormonism. We can live without living in reaction to Mormonism, or living as Mormons expect apostates to live (ie on drugs, with STD's, in a gang with no future). Living such a life after Mormonism is possible, and throws a huge wrench into TBM's worldview to boot.

Good luck to you!

As has been mentioned, Mormon parents so often see their children as an extension of themselves. Whatever you do in life is a reflection on them and how well they did with raising you.

I don't have a Mormon family, thank goodness, but the answers I liked best were the ones where you simply tell them that you love them very much, assure them that this in no way reflects badly on them, but as an adult, you need to chart your own path and do what's right for you.

Tell them that you didn't make this decision lightly, but that it's the right one for you to make.

My concern will be the backlash. How will they react? How much pressure will they put on you to go anyway? "It's just Satan trying to discourage you. You'll be fine once you get out there. You're just nervous. I was nervous too. We all get nervous. Don't throw this opportunity away. You just need to talk to the Bishop," etc.

You need to be prepared for that pressure and stick to your guns. No one should be on a mission who doesn't even believe in the Church. Many of them seem to go under pressure and end up coming home early anyway.