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Posted by: augustnite ( )
Date: November 21, 2012 05:32PM

so, i've been having...not an affair, but a long distance fling w/ a married man....5 kids, approx. 11 grandkids, he has been married for almost 38 years...regardless, it's over & I feel very bad about the fallout that MAY occur, if he eventually tells his wife. Our situation was very unique & extremely spontaneous.....I don't want to be the "reason" why a marriage has failed; it was obviously flawed prior to him & I meeting AND consenting to whatever we did. BECAUSE if the marriage was not flawed & shallow, nothing would have happended between us...period. I was led to beleive his marriage was uncertain & shaky & was basically on the verge of distruction when we met...I truly felt that I was led to beleive that we were going to have an honest go at it...However, it did not turn out that way...A word to the wise...If you feel in your gut that something is wrong w/ a situation; it USUALLY is.....listen to your conscience & not your heart..

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Posted by: Devoted Exmo ( )
Date: November 21, 2012 05:37PM

I hope this means you're walking away from this situation. It's very doubtful any good would have come from it. Best of luck for your future.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/22/2012 02:00PM by Devoted Exmo.

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Posted by: twojedis ( )
Date: November 21, 2012 05:59PM

augustnite Wrote:
> it was
> obviously flawed prior to him & I meeting AND
> consenting to whatever we did. BECAUSE if the
> marriage was not flawed & shallow, nothing would
> have happended between us...period.

This is not necessarily true. There are some jerks or weak out there who just won't live up to vows they have made. You only know what he told you. People cheat for all kinds of reasons, that have nothing to do with a shaky marriage. Some cheaters just want to have a fling with a newer model, even when the other spouse thinks things are going fine.

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Posted by: matt ( )
Date: November 21, 2012 06:07PM

Oh, not a physical, cheating affair, but an emotional affair. And some people think they are just as bad.

You are helping him cheat on his wife and family.

If this is not the kind of person you are, then stop it. NOW!

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Posted by: Phantom Shadow ( )
Date: November 21, 2012 06:29PM

Many married men will tell a prospective partner that they have a bad marriage, or their wife won't have sex, or they are just living together for financial reasons. Then, when caught or they confess all hell breaks loose and they dump the other woman. That means you, my dear.

A man who will cheat on his wife and children is probably also a liar and dishonest in other ways. You may not be the first he has done this with.

Walk away, don't ever contact him again, and cut him off if he tries to contact you.

Then please see a counselor. You need to regain your self respect.

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Posted by: mindlight ( )
Date: November 21, 2012 06:39PM

And you believed it because you wanted to. You were sure you could please him more than his wife and you thought you had an opening.

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Posted by: matt ( )
Date: November 21, 2012 06:57PM

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Posted by: Makurosu ( )
Date: November 21, 2012 07:15PM

It's probably not going to end well. You should prepare for that. A man having an affair usually won't leave his wife, even if it's a crappy marriage.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: November 21, 2012 07:56PM

I wouldn't assume that his marriage was flawed. Some guys just crave novelty. Trust me, he won't tell his wife. Oh, and I would bet money that you were not the first.

The question is, why did you feel compelled to go after someone who was unavailable to you? (...and yes, he was always unavailable, no matter what he led you to believe.)

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Posted by: inmoland ( )
Date: November 21, 2012 09:53PM

A marriage of 38 years and five kids is not a "shallow" relationship, even if you want to tell yourself that so you don't have to feel like a heel for being the other woman.

Some people who are married a long time do get tired of eating the same flavor of ice cream, so to speak, and like to go out for some variety. This guy's on the road all the time, away from his wife, and he can get away with it; that's all it takes for some men to cheat, regardless of the state of their relationship. Lots of cheaters love their wives, and have no intention of leaving them for their "bit on the side". You should hope you won't be learning that lesson the much harder way someday, from the other side of the fence.

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Posted by: shannon ( )
Date: November 21, 2012 10:01PM

inmoland Wrote:
> Lots of cheaters love
> their wives, and have no intention of leaving them
> for their "bit on the side". You should hope you
> won't be learning that lesson the much harder way
> someday, from the other side of the fence.

Thereyago . . .


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Posted by: sonoma ( )
Date: November 21, 2012 10:49PM

hey augustnite,

do you feel sufficiently spanked for your sins by the folks here?

i'm not going to condemn you for something that most humans do at some point in their lives. i hope that you don't either. you didn't break any vows, even if he did.

i hope that you take with you great memories of the good times.

i bet that you've learned a lot from this relationship.

i hope you're not feeling too sad...

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Posted by: Rebeckah ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 01:04AM

It's a pretty sound observation of human nature that this man most likely never had the slightest intention of leaving his wife. It's also a sound observation that a human who cheats on vows they've made are likely to be untrustworthy in other areas. Hopefully augustnite will be able to embrace this knowledge and go on to make more informed choices in the future. She seems genuinely sad and surprised that the cheating husband lied to her.

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Posted by: sonoma ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 05:19AM

wow, you know this guys intentions, do you? through sound observation of human nature no less?!

don't get huffy with me, sis. i'm not even allowed to get married because it would threaten the very foundation of marriage.

but since the large majority of men and women cheat on their marriage vows, making blanket statements about what this says about their trustworthy-ness in other areas might get ridiculous.

just to be clear, i'm not married, and i've never had a problem with this sort of issue.

from sound observation of human nature, i can generalize grossly and say that you straight folk have a cheating problem, and you better get it together or we're gonna have to take marriage away from you!

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 08:50AM

sonoma Wrote:
> but since the large majority of men and women cheat on their marriage vows...

Source? I don't believe this.

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Posted by: Rebeckah ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 01:20PM

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Posted by: trishann ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 11:01AM

So I guess the tables are turning in the world. It seems to me that most people think that it is correct to stick up for the cheaters now. What is this world coming to? I have NO sympathy for someone that chooses to date a married person or someone in a serious relationship. There are many people out there to date and it never needs to be a married person(serious relationship). If you feel so badly about yourself that you take the first person that shows you attention you should work on yourself before you get in a relationship. Married = taken people.

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Posted by: Rebeckah ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 01:20PM

What's more, I know of a few people in my large family who cheated but the majority are utterly faithful to their spouses and another few are faithful to just one person over their lives -- which I think is probably a more accurate breakdown of "cheating" behavior.

Furthermore, I am PRO same-sex marriage and voted for it when given the option, although I was deeply offended that it was up for a vote anyway because civil rights should not be a "majority rules" situation.

So take your chip and get a life.

(Also, re-read my post. I made no claims as to ANYONE'S motivations -- I made observations based on what I know of human nature.)

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Posted by: Anon2 ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 02:16AM

The last poster stated

"...It's also a sound observation that a human who cheats on vows they've made are likely to be untrustworthy in other areas..."

I don't agree. I think Mormonism can be a factor in this. We are robed of our our youth. We never sow our oats. No sex before marriage. We Get married shortly after our mission. Then we turn 40 and we think wtf, I've only had sex with my wife, the church is a fraud, and I'm not getting any younger.

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Posted by: Rebeckah ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 01:23PM

It's certainly a possibility but my personal feeling would have been that I either inform my partner if I'm going to experiment and either experiment with partner's agreement or I end my commitment and experiement, or I just don't experiment. This is simply my take on the degree in which I take my commitments. I believe in honesty and cheating on your vows is not honest at all.

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Posted by: PapaKen ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 02:21AM

Is his wife's name Emma Smith and is his name Joseph Smith?

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Posted by: Mormon Observer ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 02:58AM

I'm so glad you've moved on.
One of my BF had an affair with a rich married man who stayed with his wife because he thought a divorce would lower his lifestyle.
She may even have been cold as a dead fish. (his words)

But, every holiday my BF would visit, I'd call her, she didn't want to impose, and she would cry.
Couldn't he at least sneak away to a phone booth while getting more ice cream for the family dinner and call her? Just once? Wish her Happy Birthday? Happy Thanksgiving?
Merry Christmas? even a day or so early or a day or so late?
He loves me, why doesn't he call and wish me well on holidays?
He knows I'm alone and don't have a family who wants me.....and so on and so on and so on.

I could see he basically used her for booty call but she couldn't. For over 22 years he would meet with her to play. The first five years it was about once every six weeks, then it tapered off to only a phone call (she'd call him at work) about once every six months for the last five years.

I'm so glad you've left him. You deserve better and you don't need to be tied up with Mr. unavailable. When all is said and done, the "mr. unavailables" of the world are very self centered and selfish. They will not be there for you. They will not check on you if you don't call, except to see that you're still available to serve them.
The whole relationship is on their terms only.
(Not unlike TSCC isn't?)

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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 07:01AM

Did he cause them or were they festering before you met him?

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Posted by: larryjohn ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 07:24AM

If a revelation in the temple or a blessing said you would have a child sealed up to you and yet you was infertile and getting to darn old, then an affair happens that brings a mirical child but out of wedlock, given the very name of the revelation accepted, this seems a wish come true but a costly price. Then when confessed to stake pres, having done so seperated from spouse for years before affiar took place, and told by revelation that this is worth pursuit to re-marry and raize the child, only to have spouse forgive you then stake president has another revelation that such a saintly woman is worth sticking to and not devoice and just pay maintance for child that can never be sealed up, is now punishment for adultary but no way it could of happen with spouse because she also was not only infertile but had a hystirectamy, and impossible to fall pregnent, god has a way of letting the devil tempt us to fulfill powerful blessings and revelations but only to punish us that sin out of marrige does not make it right after all to dump saintly spouse but yes the child gets born and its fulfilling and no future affair is worth it or could match it and womanizing is over for the man to live and send money for his child and walk it down the isle in marrige oneday to someone in or out of the church...

This is my case, paying for it but I dont regret it as it only happen when I was removed from the church for mental depression
after all rightous attempts, then turned to legal drugs to cope with depression, had a gut feelings to try the world and it worked and a child was born and I became fertile a mirical
but I still love my wife and she loves me but we cant live together.

She still tells me I'm a good man but confused over the church
and how I was treated for depression. I hope to repent but in taking legal drugs and keep it a secret I am accepted attending now after 7 years forbiden, but as soon as I try live all their laws I am questioned as if on drugs when not and my depression gets worse...

I feel I live a lie, but what is love.
LOVE IS A CHOICE.. Its hard work without lust and chemistry
and living just for security if that.

Affairs normally spark chemistry and compatibility in worldly romantic and sexual sense but if it dies off its over.
So far for me, the chemistry with the mother of my child is
alive and well but as she is is a jungle woman overseas in 3rd world country investigating mormonism, and rejecting it because I didnt marry her I dont blame her but I take responsibility for the child...

Possible to love two woman at same time but very fustrating.

Only old age can tell what love is to stick it out by choice
rather than based on chemistry and compatible romance even if children involved with affairs out of wedlock not fair on the kids but I was ready to re-marry but the contradiction of stake pres revelation after wife forgave me told me that she was the greater of the two loves and I should stay married to her.

I grow old quickly now for that decision such a sacrifice
and rocky road but it feels wrong to devoice a saintly woman that has done no wrong shame on me.

But I love my child out of wedlock it is my life and joy.


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Posted by: Anon for this ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 10:03AM

a disaster for the mistress. My sister-in-law had an affair with a wealthy TBM orthopedic surgeon who was temple-married with seven children. He left his wife and family for her, not to mention that he abandoned his sacred temple vows (though he remains incredibly pleased with himself and his righteousness - perhaps because there is plenty of early Mormon precedent for this kind of behavior!). They have been married several years.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 10:52AM

Oh sure, it can work out. Sometimes the husband can even stay faithful to wife #2. I just don't think she should be shocked, simply shocked, if he can't.

Some men are just serial cheaters. They crave novelty and variety. Sure, they have problems in their marriage. Who doesn't? Sometimes I think the mistress makes more of these routine problems than the situation merits.

A longtime friend of mine is such a man. I think he's otherwise a great guy, but he can't keep it in his pants. When he got married to his oblivious wife, I kept my fingers crossed for them both (he was cheating on her even during their engagement. *sigh*) Then after many years and several kids, the inevitable happened and she found him out. She kicked him out and his mistress wanted to have nothing to do with him either. A huge mess all around.

As a lifetime single, I made up my mind a long time ago to never break up a marriage. It takes a firmly made up mind along with discipline, but not everyone has that. I used to be hurt that certain wives didn't want to socialize (as a couple) with me. Now I get it. They don't want to take the risk.

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Posted by: Nightingale ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 03:15PM

summer: "As a lifetime single, I made up my mind a long time ago to never break up a marriage. It takes a firmly made up mind along with discipline, but not everyone has that. I used to be hurt that certain wives didn't want to socialize (as a couple) with me. Now I get it. They don't want to take the risk."

I agree totally with summer's comment. It takes women cheating on women to end up with a man who has a wife and a mistress. I've long called for women to quit abusing their sisters in this way. Not that it isn't also the fault of the man who is cheating. I can, only just, understand a sudden spontaneous event when two people meet and get into a situation that promotes and allows for intimacy. I can't understand ongoing affairs that call for long term lies and sneaking around. I prefer the be-true-to-your-partner-or-decisively-break-up approach.

I've also experienced the social freeze by married women. I used to think it was cold and nasty of them to be so proprietorial with their husbands, usually unnecessarily so. Then I began to realize how prevalent cheating is. Who can blame a wife for wanting to hang onto her husband, literally. Yes, in some cases it would seem that every single woman is a threat.

I feel that women should do their part to keep their paws off men who are demonstrably unavailable. I could never imagine being happy in a relationship that only existed because of cheating that broke up a family. Of course, the man who is in a committed relationship should do his major part by being faithful despite temptations.

In a perfect world, that is. Things happen. People make mistakes or exercise disastrous judgement. For exmos, part of this could be the regret they come to feel about decisions they may have made differently if they had been freed from the religious expectations of a rigid group in their earlier years. They may pine for the lost chance of "sowing wild oats" (especially men it seems). They have to ask themselves if engaging in the oats thing later in life, at the cost of a family breakup, is really worth it.

For the "other woman", often it doesn't work out the way they imagine. He doesn't turn out to be their knight (if that's what they were looking for). He is already somebody else's knight. The chances are good that he will choose his already-family, despite having had an affair. I wish that more women could visualize the scenario of him being with wife and family on every holiday, if only out of "duty", while they are sitting alone. Surely they deserve better. As does his wife.

I see affairs as women cheating on women. We could stop that. End of problem.

Meanwhile, nobody comes here to be judged. I can sympathize with the fact that the outcome of whatever choices someone makes can be hurtful. It's pretty much a live-and-learn kind of life. We're all striving for happiness, a worthwhile goal. I wish and hope that everyone finds their own, one that provides what they need, in an honest and open and giving and loving way.

To augustnite: I'm not singling you out with my comments, just agreeing with summer's remarks, as a single woman who knows a lot of husbands! I'm sorry for your pain. You too are part of my wishes for everyone to find legitimate happiness in their own healthy relationship, if that's what they're looking for.

I agree with you, augustnite, that it's better to go with conscience than heart, or at least a combination of the two. If your conscience is bothering you, likely something is not right (unless you are still troubled by an overly active conscience that has been trained by rigid religious belief, which is something to perhaps redefine for yourself). The heart is known to be far less rational, which is why going by "feelings" is often not the best way to make decisions. In any case, good luck to you. I hope you find more happiness in a different relationship, if that's your desire. You deserve to find your own partner who is fully devoted to you. Don't settle for less!

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/22/2012 03:22PM by Nightingale.

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Posted by: markrichards ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 10:36AM

You state first it was not an affair just a fling. The guy was married for 38 years. So he gets married at lets say 18 plus 38 Now were you just making woopie. You don't mention your age I hope you were on the pill or he was wearing some sort of protection (which good mormons consider a sin) that would have been disasterous as his age to father another child. I knew some idiot that started a whole new family at 62 (that viagra is a kicker) with some 20 something strumpet. The guy was not even a good or well preserved 62 and he was dead two years money...not a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out. That being said...good for you and him.

Life is way too short; unless you believe all that Celestial kingdom married forever crap (like I used to until I was kicked out because I was sterile). I think of all the strumpets I could have really had fun with but was scarred of not having sex , but of getting pregnant. However my kudo's on you having fun is my 53 years of experience and is not what I did when faced with the same situation which is another story.

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Posted by: stillanon ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 12:48PM

Wife? 5 kids & 11 grandkids? They call people like you "home wreckers" for a reason.

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Posted by: Rebeckah ( )
Date: November 22, 2012 01:30PM

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