I'm currently a NOM for family reasons, and of all callings, my Ward leadership felt inspired to call me as a ward missionary. Not sure how that's going to work ... So anyway in the setting apart they blessed me to strike up Gospel conversations and share what I believe. I think I'll start here by sharing my favorite BOM stories =). Feel free to add your own favorites.


Ammon's Mission (inspired by Deconstructor on MC):
King Lamoni let Ammon preach to him once he chopped off a bunch of arms, and then the king passed out for a while. A couple mornings later, King Lamoni woke up to Ammon and the queen. He bore his testimony and then all three passed out! And then, everybody in the whole house passed out! Luckily there was one named Abish who actually didn't pass out (her dad had dream one day and she secretly became a Christian). She ran from house to house telling all the people to come see everybody who had fainted. Then a Lamanite tried to kill Ammon and God struck him dead. And then Abish woke up the sleeping folks and they all testified of Jesus! Finally, a lot of the witnesses got converted to Judaism and baptized.


The Jaredite barges:
The Jaredites loaded up small barges with light bulb rocks, their year supply of food, fresh water, herbivorous flocks and herds, beasts, animals, birds, fish tanks, and bees, and went on a transoceanic voyage for almost a year. Times got rough with their flatulent animals when the air hole was stopped, and going to the bathroom was a real chore. The bees also got grumpy from being “tossed upon the waves,” but when they weren’t dodging falling sheep during sudden nose dives they “sang praises to the Lord all day.” 344 days later, the 8 independent barges all washed up at the exact same place at the exact same time on the other side of the world and they all started their new life in the promised land.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2012 05:08PM by jackjoseph.

I cannot understand how in the hell, I ever "bore testimony" that the book of mormon was true.

Is it possible that no one really reads it? We all just said we did?

A couple months ago we learned all about Ammon in Gospel Doctrine. Successful, professional adults were happily, actively participating. I just sat there wondering how they could possibly be so brainwashed to not even question it ...

The Jaredite barges botherd me my whole mission. I just tried to ignore them ...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2012 05:09PM by jackjoseph.

Tried having the discussion about whether anyone really reads it with a tbm brother in law about 1 year ago.

His only real response to the idea that the bom is full of crazy stories that sound just like a fanatic from the 1800s made them up...


no different than the bible. if you exercise faith in the bible you can exercise faith that the bom is all true. doing so makes you a better person.

I know it really is crazy. I had read the Book of Mormon all the way through several times but a lot of things never clicked for me. I didn't really know much about the anachronisms except I had heard there were no horses in America before the contact with Europeans. But the Jaredite story is something I feel like I should have noticed. It isn't an anachronism that you need to know about history or archaeology to understand. It is completely unbelievable. If it said that it took 2 weeks or something maybe you could come up with some sort of explanation. Oh isn't that nice. God made the wind blow in the right direction and guided there barges to the promised land in just 2 weeks. But to travel in enclosed barges with livestock and bees for almost a year is crazy. Sure they had stones to give them light but how did they dispose of the waste from all the people as well as the livestock they were traveling with when the only openings in the barges were holes on the top and bottom which they stopped up with a cork?

Not to mention the Lord telling them they couldn't have windows because they'd be dashed to pieces ... Romans were the first known to use glass for windows. He might as well have told them they couldn't use their iPhones for light because the battery would die.

I also love (now, it used to trouble me greatly) Ether 3:15 when the Lord tells Mahonri “And never have I showed myself unto man whom I have created, for never has man believed in me as thou hast.” ... But Enoch (who was before the Tower of Babel) said: “I saw the Lord; and he stood before my face, and he talked with me, even as a man talketh one with another, face to face” (Moses 7:4).

I actually heard a TBM SS teacher tell a class of YM&YW that God made all the animals go into a state of hibernation for 344 days. Hence, in his mind, no need for food, no waste, no fighting, etc.

I suppose if you believe in magic there's no telling what ridiculous stories you couldn't believe.

But as a TBM I never saw ONE miracle. I figured God just allows natural laws and free agency to run their course without intervention. If he’s the same yesterday today and forever, why would he behave so differently in the BOM?

My seminary teacher would light up about the Jaredite story. He thought that it was so awesome that God could get all that livestock and people and insects to the other side of the ocean in a sealed wooden barge and that it all worked out. Didn't seem strange to him, just miraculous.

I think the problem is that the Mormons teach you to read the BoM to 'find it true' rather than to see it for what it is. If you find the stories in it ridiculous, you're automatically programmed to blame yourself and then to work harder at finding a way of convincing yourself of its 'truthfulness'.

It is only after you had somehow managed to have a paradigm shift that allowed you to read the thing objectively rather than with a 'it's gotta be true' bias, that you can realize how untrue it all is.

Foolish Korihor:
Korihor was an “anti-Christ” (not to be confused with “anti-Nephi-Lehi”) causing people to fall away. He got kicked out of Jershon, and in Gideon they tied him up, interrogated him, and shipped him off to Alma (even though it was against the law because God didn't like laws about a man's belief). Korihor told Alma he didn’t deny the existence of a God; he just couldn't follow any old religion without real tangible evidence. For that Alma struck Korihor dumb in the name of God! Once dumb, Korihor admitted that he always knew there was a God, just one day the devil dressed up as an angel and tricked him into thinking there wasn’t one. Then all Korihor’s followers saw the folly of their ways and repented of their foolishness. And to top it all off, Korihor became a beggar after getting bested by Alma, and one day he got ran over while begging for food and trampled to death!


Coriantumr vs. Shiz:
At the end of the Jaredite era, Ether prophesied to King Coriantumr that if they didn’t repent, “every soul should be destroyed save it were Coriantumr.” But the people stayed wicked and kept fighting. Once 2×10^6 people died, they took a four-year break by the hill Cumorah and enlisted every single Jaredite to either Shiz’s or Coriantumr’s army. Men even suited up their wives and children for battle! Then they started fighting. Both army's recruiting efforts must have been dead-even because in just a few short days, everybody from both sides was dead except for one guy each: Coriantumr vs. Shiz! It wasn’t much of a match though because Shiz had already fainted from blood loss (nobody else had fainted from blood loss though, they were all actually dead). So Coriantumr went and chopped off Shiz’s head. Then Shiz did a headless pushup, struggled for breath, and died. Coriantumr and Ether “beheld that the words of the Lord had all been fulfilled” about all the rest of the Jaredites dying.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2012 08:34PM by jackjoseph.

The ONLY group of people who find a need to believe literally in the Tower of Babel are LDS because of the Jaredites! The story of the Jaredites was stolen from an old tale about only two catse left who killed each other starting with each other' tail, and which probably came from some old Greek myth. IOWs JS didn't even think up a new tale.

Maybe the windows were actually solar panels that used light from the light bulb rocks?

Some self-righteous douche's family is picked to go to America. But first they need some books that don't belong to them.

It's a good thing that they are leaving because the whole area is about to be fucked over royally anyway.

So god commands that the main douche kill the man with the books, steal the books, and take off, "because it is better that one man die than a nation dwindle and perish in unbelief."

So....they all go to America as a family while the area that they just left dwindles and perishes in unbelief.

And eventually that new area dwindles and perishes in unbelief as well.

Everyone who is murdered - doesn't stop shit from going down on the innocents.

Ever.

Ah yes, not only another silly story, but one of the most dangerous teachings in all of mormonism.

I DON'T CARE HOW BAD LABAN WAS!

This is an extremely dangerous scripture for the church to be teaching. The spirit is an unreliable mode of communication. Everybody, including prophets, struggles to interpret it. A spiritual “prompting” will NEVER be enough to command murder. If God wants somebody dead, he better just take care of it himself if a spiritual prompting is the best he can do.

The scripture’s justification for Laban’s death, that it’s “better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief,” is frighteningly similar to what terrorists say.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/04/2012 12:14PM by jackjoseph.

All those BOM dwindlers were doomed.

I guess we RfMers are today's dwindlers.

I kinda like being a dwindler. It's nicer than being a "son of perdition" or anti-Mormon.

Jaradite Barge Lights: There's an app for that.

sounds like you received one of those rare inspired callings.

In case there was any doubt that our leaders are truly inspired :).

Let's not forget about Ammon chopping off the arms. Have you ever tried cutting a chicken drumstick in half? It's hard!

Bring that up to a TBM and they'll refer you to heavy, metal medieval weaponry that can cleave a limb in one strike.

Bring up the complete lack archaeological evidence for ANY precolumbian metal swords in the Americas they'll say the swords were actually clubs with shards of obsidian.

:scratches head:



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2012 07:20PM by jackjoseph.

The only way that actually works is if the guy had a lightsaber. I've always wanted a lightsaber. Maybe I should go look for a peep stone in my back yard, put it into a hat, and try to get a revelation on where he buried his before he died. I hope it's blue.

Tell them to try to get a piece of sharp glass/obsidian/superduper sharp piece of seashells...then try to take a whack at a dead chicken corpse or cut the wing off a thanksgiving turkey. FAIL

this crap is sooo funny to read!!! thanks for the laughs, jackjoseph!!!!!!!! it is as though a child made this shit up after watching a bad gilligan's island re-run or something ...

"Ammon's Mission (inspired by Deconstructor on MC):
King Lamoni let Ammon preach to him once he chopped off a bunch of arms, and then the king passed out for a while. A couple mornings later, King Lamoni woke up to Ammon and the queen. He bore his testimony and then all three passed out! And then, everybody in the whole house passed out! Luckily there was one named Abish who actually didn't pass out (her dad had dream one day and she secretly became a Christian). She ran from house to house telling all the people to come see everybody who had fainted. Then a Lamanite tried to kill Ammon and God struck him dead. And then Abish woke up the sleeping folks and they all testified of Jesus! Finally, a lot of the witnesses got converted to Judaism and baptized."

That sounds a lot like a marathon party I once attended in the Hollywood hills back in the 80s.

I was at the same party...I passed out with the last group. Then converted to some mid eastern religion and testified of jeebus.

+1 :)

"I belieeeeeeve, that ancient Jews built boats and came to America"

How do you go out and preach and whatever else a ward missionary does (another one of the things I never understood about the church) and do it with a straight face....I know I couldn't...

Ron Burr

On a more serious note, I'm in a sad situation. I feel bad for the bishop. He's a very kind, genuine person and I feel guilty for having put on a face like I do. I haven't done any ward missionary things yet, but if I do I certainly won't be able to testify of the BOM. Dunno what I'll do.

My wife and I are scared to death of what coming clean will do to our parents. Our families are SO HEAVILY invested in the church. We know we'll probably have to at some point, but it will send them into a deep, dark depression. I'm sure family relations will suffer, perhaps irreparably. So for now, we're NOM's.

JackJoseph.... It is a crappy situation to be in. A year ago, my husband and I were TBM anf going along just fine. Both of us come from ultra TBM families (both of our dads in stake leadership, temple workers, etc). We were fairly content to carry on without 'coming out' to our families, but one of our kids just turned 8 and we had to make the decision to not baptize her....and 'forcing' us to tell our families. It has sucked royally. It has been hard and relationships are strained. But I'm glad it's done. Living the NOM life ate me up inside. I couldn't stand living that way. I know it works for many and there's no judgement from me.... But I just wanted to let you know that pulling that bandaid off hurts and is hard, but worth it in the end. And then TRUE healing can begin.

Serious good read. I was raised Mormon and is that what we were taught? Granted, it's been close to over 27 yrs that I've been out but my family are still neck deep in it and so hard to belive they believe this crap!

JJ, hang in there. You'll know when it's time to say enough. Keep posting!

Bees. For crying out loud! BEES?? So you're gonna be sealed in a dish-tight vessel for gawd knows how long...and you bring freakin' swarms of bees?

So they're at the part where they're dreaming up the animals the Jaredites take with them...I picture Ollie giggling and Joe says "What?", Ollie say's "Bees!" and Joe spit-takes in his glass of wine.

I brought this up to a TBM and know what response I got?

The bees all died almost immediately in the barges. That's why Moroni left in the Jaredite word "deseret" -- he didn't know what bees were so he couldn't translate it!

I guess the whole story makes sense now :).

Let's not forget the stripling warriors:
The Anti-Nephi-Lehi men dodged the draft as conscientious objectors, but their excuse didn't work for their teenage boys, so they had to go fight instead. The teenagers saw two bloody, gruesome battles. Thousands of people died on both sides, but not a single one of the teenage boys was killed (although every one of them got injured, and some even passed out from blood loss). They all survived when so many older, stronger, more experienced Nephite warriors died because they had more faith than those warriors did. They knew that God preserves you in war when you don't doubt.

This story does so much more to promote faith when you realize that none of the 2,000 teenage boys were masturbating! Surely god would not have spared these striplings had they become unchaste. So many drops of blood were spilled but nary a drop of seed.

Thanks a LOT, Albino!!

You just RUINED the only part of the BOM this gay boy ever liked.

No matter, I still have my fantasies about post-battle naked rubdowns among those 2,000 striping warriors....

Happy endings are strictly prohibited. Don't even try to get under that loin cloth.

Grinch.

Yeah, Nephite Relief Society meetings were a little awkward after that battle. I guess the wives and mothers of those that had died always felt a degree of animosity.

Ward missionary...eh?

That was the calling I had right before I resigned. Inspired call ?

I was a kid and first read the bom story book along with the bible story books. Both were full of miraculous events. And since the bible was true, it didn't take much for my mind to believe in the bom also. I never thot twice about how hard it would be to cut off arms, or whether glass was invented in jaredite times. The only thing i did wonder was why god made nephi kill laban instead of doing it himself. i thot nephi got a raw deal out of that onee.

If you don't know the facts (how heavy gold plates are, what kind of swords these people would have had etc.) it's a lot easier to believe in magical events...oops i mean miraculous events.

Oops, looks like what we're doing is discouraged in the Church Handbook of Instruction (Vol 1 17.1.8 http://www.scribd.com/doc/50503206/LDS-Church-Handbook-of-Instructions-Vol-1-2010):

"The Church discourages rewriting the Book of Mormon into familiar or modern English."

"When a sacred text is translated into another language or rewritten into more familiar language, there are substantial risks that this process may introduce doctrinal errors or obscure evidence of its ancient origin."