I guess God really does have a sense of humor. I was sitting in sacrament meeting this morning listening to a man begin his talk by saying that he thought he was doing a good job of flying under the radar because he hadn't had to speak for several months, but that his luck ran out and the radar finally spotted him. I leaned over to my wife and whispered to her, "If you just tell them no like I did 3 years ago, they won't ask you to speak anymore." Then, right after sacrament meeting, a member of the bishopric walks up behind me and places his hand on my shoulder and says, "Could you speak on the last Sunday of this month?" I was so shocked that he asked that I just kind of mumbled, "I guess." I go to church every Sunday, but haven't given a talk in 3 years. My wife and I know the church is a fraud. We don't pay tithing, we don't home teach. We do nothing but attend sacrament for the family's sake. What am I supposed to talk about? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!

but if you have to talk... quote the peepstone rock in the top hat story by Russell Nelson from june/july Ensign 93'


get em' thinkin

I agree. Quote the ensign article and then add the testimonies of Emma, her father and all others who described that same thing.

This was the first thing that came to mind when I saw this thread.

The other would be to add the 11 married women as Josephs wives.
Back it up with LDS genealogical records.

Talk about the most disturbing things in modism, confess that you were questioning them, finding out the answer you were given to justify it is refuted by the facts, and then come up with the craziest answer you can think of that proves the church is twoo.

example, it always bothered me that the Horndog married other men's wives and girls as young as 14. But we know that that was the average marryin' age of girls back then. But then I found out that with diets and stuff, girls didn't get their menses until late teens or early 20's and that census records of the day say that was the more common age for girls to get married. Girls 14 hadn't even had their periods yet. But then the spirit came to me and told me Joe had to do it because ____________________________. So I know the church is twoo!!

Or women outnumbering men in Utah because on the mormon trail the women seined water in their aprons and then boiled their water for drinking tea, while the men just stuck their faces in the nearest crick and died of cholera. So when a surplus of womens arrived in Utah, someone had to take them as their only other recourse was prostitution. Then I found out that in any frontier environment, men always greatly outnumber women -- just look at Alaska today. But then the spirit came to me and told me Briggy had to do it because ____________________________. So I know the church is twoo!!

Make sure you're blubbering like a school girl by this point.

you are wide open to talk about something that is important to you.
You can talk about any number of general subjects or virtues like being grateful, or being honest, and never once mention Mormonism. Maybe tell some jokes! :-)

You can get out of it, of course.

...but if you feel compelled to give a talk you can form it around a general theme such as loyalty, helping neighbors (community mindfulness,) perseverance, thrift, kindness, appreciating God's creation, etc.

I would be tempted to give a talk relating Mormonism to nineteenth-century romanticism and the concept of "Manifest Destiny." Google "Hudson River School" and "Hudson River School western paintings" and you'll bring up a lot of painters who did romanticized landscapes of New York state and the American west. Maybe talk about the sense of hopefulness and optimism that is a part of our national character. You could throw in some appropriate bible verses, such as,

“I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.” ~ Psalms 121:1-2

Integrity in marriage. Some people only love when the going is good, or their love is conditional based on their devotion to putting the church first. Marriage and love is about loving the person, not what they do, how much they make, or their devotion to church. Conditional love to your children, isn't love at all, but ego. The good Samaritan story is a good example of that.

It is ok to do some homework or research to see if some people claims are correct. If they say that this is wrong, then chances are they are hiding something. Many people lie. Many people charm others. They can be masters at manipulation, and it is just an act. They can con you in many ways. They may appear to be overly committed to the church, but maybe they are empty inside and need ego gratification. They may con you with revelations they claim to have had, or leadership positions they have held. These types like to have a following of members that butt suck and praise them, even though they may be child molesters(I personally know a mormon leader that was one). Some people lie in interviews, and seem to never have done anything wrong in their whole lives, and the interviewer may not be inspired like they claim. Some like to victimize because it gives them an ego high. Most mormon friends will shun you if you stop attending church. Some members act all happy and nice at church but are miserable, mean and controlling to their own family.

It is ok to cooperate. It is ok to have empathy. It is ok to accept people the way they are. It is ok to compromise. It is ok to personally help the poor and needy.

Or stuff like that. lol.

Go to the LDS.ORG site and take random quotes from GAs. Then copy and paste them together. But ensure they do not make any sense and do not follow on.

Add some linking material such as: "But this is what so-and-so had to say about this subject."

Also, throw in some random scriptures, the more obscure, the better.

Have fun.

HA! I had to give a talk last year and that is exactly what I did. My Apostate Boyfriend helped me write it! As soon as the meeting was over I went home and went back to bed.

Just say no.

I like the way you think, lostinutah!

Timothy

Thanks, but I try not to, it muddles everything up. :)

I like Matt's idea. Make it disjointed and hard to follow, try not to drive home any main point. Then watch as a handful of people walk up to afterwards and compliment you on what a wonderful talk you gave.

Just get up and say, "You know, I always wondered what the bishop will really do if the meeting ends way too short... I guess this is a good time to find out". Then sit down.

Dear Dad swears over the pulpit like the small time farmer he is, and they punished him by putting him in a singles ward bishopric.

:)

Listening to all those sexy teenagers talk about dry humping and playing "DJ Hero" alone.

What do you mean you HAVE to????

You tell them you will not do it.Period.

Why do you need this stress on a weekend when you have been working all week???

They can afford a mall which runs BILLIONS f dollars. Let them start paying for clergy like everyone else.

NOT your problem.

Speak on how it is sooooo wonderful that the Lord sent Harry Reid to guide this country in the Latter-days...

Oh yea! Don’t miss the opportunity to teach and have them congratulate you on the inspiring talk you gave.

Let us know what topic you’re speaking on. Oh, like the use of free agency perhaps and our responsibility to not allow others to take away our personal power and use our free agency against us like Satan would do, making us slaves to him and his organization without even realizing it, with the appropriate scriptural references.

In fact you could start you talk with, ‘I was asked to give a talk on obedience but after much prayer I was instructed by the spirit to speak on free agency, so in the spirit of obedience to God I will speak on the topic he chose for me'.

You have several options:

1. Call back and say you will not talk. (Probably the most honest and least stressful.)

2. Give a real talk on some value that is important to you, but don't bring the church or church authorities into it.

3. Go all Glen Beck on them. Disjointed talk, conspiracy theories, magic of JS early days.. start crying about how much you love the church. (Fun, but you might be called to a "Court of Love" and be tossed out of the church.)

It seems like you would be stressed about this for two weeks. Two weeks of having high blood pressure. Two weeks of being impatient with your family. Two weeks of dread that you don't need in your life.

Instead of stressing, please spend 3 hours studying some books on "assertiveness training." This was a required class in my career training, and I passed it along to my children. Some books even include dialogs, and tell you how to answer someone argumentative and tenacious.

Briefly, it is best to just say no, with absolutely no explanation. Excuses open the door to rebuttals. Say that same "no" over and over, like a broken record. You can be cordial, and say it with a relaxed smile:

YOU: "Hello. This is Traitor. I'm calling to tell you that I'm not going to give a in sacrament meeting in two weeks.

"Why?" (Waiting for an excuse he can argue against.)

YOU: "I won't be giving a talk, so cross me off the program."

"The program is already printed with your name on it." (Embarrassment. You are trapped.)

YOU: "Then, make an announcement."

"You promised me you were going to give the talk in two weeks. Are you going to go back on your word and let us down?" (Guilt and shame)

YOU: "Certainly not. I'm letting you know that I'm not going to give a talk."

"But--the Lord has inspired me to call you." (God-pressure.)

YOU: "I will not give a talk in sacrament meeting."

"Will you give a talk next month, then?" (Trying to trap you again.)

YOU: "No"

"Are you offended?" (Accusation. Slander.)

YOU: "No, no. I'm just not going to give a speech."

"Why can't you give a talk? We'll give you plenty of time. We'll give you a subject. Just read a GA talk, then. We will help you...."

YOU: "I will not give a talk. Gotta go now. Goodbye."



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/16/2011 02:41PM by forestpal.

Get some balls and tell them "no". What is it with Mormons that they are such pussies for church leaders?

Mormons either just meekly take it, or they go passive-aggressive. You could go p-a and call in sick the morning of the talk, making them scramble.

Just call them back and tell them you don't want to do it. If you are on the exmo list, you have no business giving some BS talk in in church.

Somehow I don't think the above reply is going to be helpful.

This is a great opportunity!

My suggestion:

Talk on tolerance, forgiveness, and not judging. Use scripture:
Paul: each must work out his own salvation
Jesus: judge not, that ye be not judged
Jesus: Let him who has not sinned cast the first stone
11th Article of Faith: grant everyone the right to worship as they please
Hinckley's quote at the MMM: don't condemn until you have walked in the other Indian's mocassins
Micah 6:8 - God only requires you to do justly, love mercy, and be humble

The last talk I ever gave in church was when I was a known atheist apostate, but my TBM mother insisted I should talk at my father's funeral. I had several Mormons tell me afterwards that it was a wonderful talk and they wanted me to talk at their own funerals. (My talk is at http://packham.n4m.org/father.htm)

from the BoM passages that indicate that the LDS church is apostate to its core scriptures. I'm sure you can find many.

If I were in your shoes, I would finish off with Hagoth as an allegory on people fleeing a society in chaos.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/16/2011 08:07PM by me.

Sounds like a talk that would work for many closet exmos who attend due to a TBM spouse.

I like the object lesson idea. Have all the 14 year old girls stand up....????

Talk about JESUS.
How he came to Earth to help humanity realize that he was not to be held captive to organized religion but to go beyond it.
How his enemies who were the religious ones were full of double standards and dishonesty and basically only used people as cattle to live off them.

How the golden rule...do unto others as you would have others do unto you...meant that you and you alone were the judge of good and bad.
But it needs the spirit of truth within oneself to be able to live up to it.

That way you avoid Mormonism and its endless dogma and stepping on sensitive feet and deal with the true expansive teachings of Christ which were for the liberation of the individual from religious group mind...to be the master of self and have a unique individual relationship with God not dictated by another soul.

I am only giving you a small idea that you can enlarge upon that may help some of your fellow inmates reach for the light of individual freedom...something which is sadly lacking in Mormonism and something it desperately needs.

You won't be asked to speak again.

"We have heard men who hold the priesthood remark that they would do anything they were told to do by those who preside over them -- even if they knew it was wrong. But such obedience as this is worse than folly to us. It is slavery in the extreme. The man who would thus willingly degrade himself should not claim a rank among intelligent beings until he turns from his folly.
"A man of God would despise this idea. Others, in the extreme exercise of their almighty authority have taught that such obedience was necessary, and that no matter what the Saints were told to do by their presidents, they should do it without any questions.
"When Elders [leaders] of Israel will so far indulge in these extreme notions of obedience as to teach them to the people, it is generally because they [the leaders] have it in their hearts to do wrong themselves."
-- Joseph Smith, Jr.
Millenial Star, Archive Volume 14, Number 38, Pages 593-595
---------------------

"The worst sinners, according to Jesus, are not the harlots and publicans, but the religious leaders with their insistence on proper dress and grooming, their careful observance of all the rules, their precious concern for status symbols, their strict legality, their pious patriotism... the haircut becomes the test of virtue in a world where Satan deceives and rules by appearances.”
-Hugh Nibley (mormon apologetic scholar)

if you are atheist or agnostic maybe something else...