OK--so I've been lurking on these boards for a while now, quietly enjoying your company and thoughts as I struggle with my own church problems.
There is a problem I'm facing that maybe some of you have some thoughts on; my fourteen year old son.
My son is a polite kid (called SOBER by our ward leaders) and he would go to church EVERY week if I told him to. But I haven't been going regularly for about 5 years now. You guys know the drill and I don't want to be redundant about why I don't go (mostly its due to business and wanting ONE day to relax as I'm a fulltime student and have four kids)
Lately this kid, my sons Deacon President (my son just turned 14) has been harassing my kid at school about his church attendance. I don't know if you'd call it bullying, but I'm ready to bully his parents if this kid dont stop. (j/k) but seriously though--is this even legal in a school setting?
I probably haven't helped the situation because a month ago he started calling at an absurdely early hour (to which I didnt answer or return call) and I brushed him off as annoying. But now he is showing up on our doorstep around 8am on Sunday. My husband is pretty mad and so am I--and as such I don't want to make any moves being so upset. This kid tells my son he will pick him up on Sunday--he will walk with him, dont you want to learn to pass sacrament (when my son HAS many times--the nerve!) move on to the next class, etc. I'm tired of these people telling MY son to be disobedient to ME because they think they are right. SO self-righteous. His parents actually brought the boy to our house today to pick my kid up--HELLOO??? I dont even KNOW these people--let alone hand over my son (pedophile?) Anyways--I dont know who or what to do or go to to tell them to back off. If we want to go to church (sometimes) WE will be bringing him. Any of you know what the best way to handle this is because we are sure tired of this boy harassing our son. Thank you so much for any helpful responses!

Because I get the same kind of crap from the people in my ward. You are absolutely right ... How DARE they tell my kid to be disobedient to me? The Savior taught that anyone who taught a child to sin, it is better a millstone be hung around his neck and he be drowned in the depths of the sea. And by teaching my child to break one of the 10 Commandments, Honor thy Father and Mother, they are doing that. Think about that next time they try their self-righteous crap.

My son, who is also 14, has had kids try stunts like this on him too. He really hates feeling manipulated so they could not be picking a worse way to get my son back to activity. Just the other day, two of his "friends" at lunch were making a comment about how my son was inactive and probably couldn't even recite an Article of Faith. Son promptly recited one in English and then repeated it in Spanish. I taught him all of them when we were active and taught him to memorize several in Spanish too, just for fun. That shut up those kids for a while and son came home from school quite smug.

I think you are going to have to be very firm with this boy. Next time he drops by or calls say "I'm sorry but I don't want you harassing my son any more. You are not to call here or stop by or bother my son at school. Your visits aren't welcome. I'm sure you are a nice boy but what you are doing is wrong and this sort of thing is exactly why people think Mormons are a bunch of weirdos. I know you think you are helping but you are actually turning people away from the church when you behave like this. Please don't come by again and if you continue to pester my son at school, I will get the principal involved. Goodbye."

Of course, you'll want to run this by your son because kids that age are embarrassed really easily and put it in your own words, of course. But I would be exactly that blunt. Then, spin it with your son. I always tell my son, "If you chose to be Mormon, you'll have to put up with crap like this your whole life. People trying to interfere with your parenting, people overstepping your boundaries, people looking down on you if you don't do what THEY want and people trying to manipulate you. This is Mormonism." Good luck. I totally, totally sympathize and can't say enough how right you are in your feelings and how wrong the Mormons are.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/16/2011 05:49PM by CA girl.

set boundaries with kindness. Excellent script ! Might need to be repeated then bring out the Big Guns = follow through with the school and the police if necessary.
Too many people don't know what to do, or don't do anything, or their actions are ineffective.
I'd recommend your method to anyone! Good job!

Talk to the boy, talk to his parents, and follow up with the church hierarchy as needed.

As a teacher, I definitely consider what the boy is doing to be harrasment and bullying. Follow up with the school principal and the school counselor as needed.

absolutely infuriates me. I could ignore everything else, even the lies they are telling about me, because really these people don't matter to me. But the way they go after the children is absolutely unacceptable in a decent human society.

Next time he came over, I'd answer the door, look him in the eye and say, "I understand that you think you are doing a good thing, but in reality you are being annoying and rude. You need to stop it right now."

If I was an overly ambitious young teen trying to save someone, that would have stopped me from continuing.

I believe Jerry has been named the designated back-up hoser while Cheryl is recuperating from eye surgery.

Go get 'em Jer'.

;o)

Okay, this is going to sound harsh.

Grow a spine and protect your son from this bully. Role play ways he can respond to this jerk. He needs to know that you will back him up. He needs to know that he doesn't have to put up with this treatement just because the bully is a fellow church member. He needs to understand that he can say NO; NO to a bully, NO to an adult, NO to a bishop.

Mormons are not taught to observe or maintain appropriate personal boundaries. Your son is being victimized because he doesn't understand that this kid is WAAAYYYY over the line.

Middle school is such a tough time for kids. They want to feel like they are running their own lives, but your son needs an out. I tried diplomacy, discussion, (with the parents that were harassing him) but it finally came down to telling my son where and when he went to church was a parental decision. Period. Got him off the hook. He then told the other kid they would have to go through his mom. period. I told the parents I they would have to go through me with any further invites. They never did.

40 years ago. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

But how about talking it over with your son. Next time the kid shows up your son talks to him while you walk out to the car and talk to his parents.

Follow up yourself with the deacon quorum advisor and the bishop.

You'll have to prepare your son for what will happen at school when you are not around. But it would not be inappropriate IMHA to complain to school authorities if the deacon quorum pres. keeps it up at school.

Just keep checking in with your son so he is not feeling embarrassed with his peer group.

I would start out nicer and up the ante only if absolutely necessary.

My sister taught her daughter to say "I am willing to go to church but my parents insist that we do something as a family." This makes the kid look blameless and it was an easy out to blame mom and dad.

Being aggressive towards missionary boy will make him stop, but it will create alienation in it's place.

Tell them your sone is gay. They will leave you alone.

We're doing great here. This is the first day without serious pain issues, just a tired feeling in the left eye. Yay. In a couple of months that eye might be able to pitch in and do a little work. Can't wait.

I would call the kid's parents and tell them that this is happening and needs to stop. No need to yell or curse (I know you wouldn't do that, some posters might not.)

Say you appreciate their cooperation because you'd be uncomfortable taking this up with the school administration and bishop.

Then tell your son you're there for him and can help him with what to say to overly aggressive people who want to push him around.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/16/2011 08:51PM by Cheryl.

Contact the principal. Harassment of any kind, especially of a religious nature is not allowed at a school setting.

As for when he shows up on your doorstep, tell him he is not welcome. Contact his parents and tell them if he shows up at your door again you are calling the police. Or, just ignore the doorbell, and if continues to ring it, or starts peaking in windows, call the police that there is a peeping tom on your property.

Welcome back Cheryl ! we sure missed you and delighted to again see your name here ! xoxoxoxox

It is originating from the parents and the that child's leader, because he is the pres. of the deacons, he is expected to take on that role. I know this because I would get encouragement from my leaders and parents to try and reactivate lost sheep. I would try and bring them back almost to bring myself up..make my light shine brighter and prepare myself for a future mission. If it was me I would maybe practice a senario with your son on how to politely shut down this boy's efforts. This will help him also stick up for himself and up his confidence. Something your son could say could be, "hey, thanks for the invite, I will come sometimes, and don't bother coming over because I am a big boy. It all depends if it is bugging you or your son? Is your son brushing it off like whatever?? Maybe you could call up this child's parents or deacon leader and say we will come to church when we can, please don't come over because we are very busy people.