I must admit that I have been nervous about her visit. This is the same woman who, whilst I was laid up on level 4 bed rest with my first pregnancy (and sex was prohibited), wanted to make sure I was satisfying her son's sexual needs in other ways. "Awkward" doesn't cover that conversation.

The first night of her visit after the boys and DH went to bed, we stayed up drinking some tea (herbal.) I could have feigned sleepiness, but I could tell she was anxious to get me alone so she could ask me how I was feeling after my recent miscarriage. She, of course, launched right into that but soon the conversation led to a few things she's struggling with and I found myself feeling so bad for her and very, very, beyond very angry, with TSCC.

First issue:

MIL is on her 4th marriage. Lately, she has been planning for her nearing retirement and hopefully faraway death. She wants to have everything about her funeral planned and paid for so the burden doesn't fall on her children.

I feel terrible for her because she feels she doesn't have a solid place to "land" as she put it. Current husband has a plot next to his first wife, whom he is sealed to. Should she try and buy a plot near to their plots, or should she try to get a plot near her father in a remote SoCal town? She asked me what I honestly felt. Would I want to visit her grave? I told her that I really don't visit gravesides. I used to go visit my grandpa's grave as a child with my grandma, but don't visit now. I prefer to remember the ones I love that have past in other ways like reminiscing over photographs and swapping stories. She understood because she feels the same. I told her that I would support her in whatever she chooses.

She asked me what I planned to do. Would I want to be buried back home in Idaho? Nope. Cremation and then sprinkled some place breathtakingly beautiful and currently undecided. She said she has actually considered this as it doesn't seem to be as taboo in TSCC as it used to be, but I digress...

This further led to her 2nd wife status. I could see the effect Mormon polygamy doctrine after death is having on her. She seems to shrink just talking about it. It's like she's a lowly handmaid to the 1st wife. She made some crack about probably not wanting to visit current husband's graveside next to his first wife either. "WHAT?! You're sleeping with her!!"

I wish I could convey the heartbreak she feels. I wish she didn't believe all this bullshit and could just enjoy the years she has left with this man that she loves. Instead, she is tormented by having to share him for eternity, doomed to "not-good-enough-to-be-a-first-wife" status.

Issue 2:

Retirement. For various reasons both her and current husband have separate retirement funds (he's actually already retired and receiving a pension.) After he goes, which will most likely happen before her as he's 11 years older, all of his assets are in a family trust and will go to his kids.

MIL is stressed about saving enough for her retirement. She is finally making decent money and earlier in the day made a comment about how she pays all of her bills using Billpay, including tithing.

I keep thinking, "Holy Moly!! How much money is she paying out to TSCC? If she could just include that 10% in her retirement savings and invest it, a lot of this stress would dissipate."

Damn church.

So absolutely no funny stories to share about my MIL, which is truly a surprise. Only sad ones.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/17/2011 12:10AM by Queen of Denial.

I was going to make a crack about her wanting you to take care of her son, but what you shared is so sad and heartbreaking I can't. My first and basic comment to religious people, including Mormons, who are troubled by beliefs and practices of their particular religion is "We have our beliefs and ways we hold to, but God has his, and I think they are much more loving and generous than what we believe and feel. I think you'll be treated lovingly even if it is hard to think of that now."

Robertb, I wish I would have thought to say something like that. It's perfect. Thanks. :)

The 2nd wife always has the possibility that her husband's money will go to his children and she will be left with nothing and not even a place to live..sad but fact of life..

Myself...if that what was in place...there would no way I'd marry him...ever...why? All you have is worries...and children of his will no doubt give her the boot as soon as he is gone...

I'm with your cremation and some beautiful place...but I'm sure my Catholic religion says...what? Cremation yes but there needs to be a spot..we'll see about that.

stormy

I only included that to emphasis that she is solo in the retirement planning and tithing is burden in that planning.

So, what does the Catholic church say about cremation? Where are you suppose to put your ashes?

Queen of Denial Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I only included that to emphasis that she is solo
> in the retirement planning and tithing is burden
> in that planning.
>
> So, what does the Catholic church say about
> cremation? Where are you suppose to put your
> ashes?

JFK Jr was a Catholic and was cremated and his ashes scattered at sea. The church didn't put up any objections. As I understand it, it is accepted now, but was frowned on in the past

So sprinkling them somewhere to return to nature or fertilize the redwoods is a no-no.

I learned this after my stepfather died.

Some of him got sprinkled anyway. The rest in with my mother and I cannot tell you how creepy it is to know her relationship with him has never been better.