So yesterday I went down to the holy land (A.K.A. Provo) to attend my niece’s baby blessing. I do this occasionally for family events because I love my family (in-laws and bio) and it’s a good chance to see them all and catch up, etc. Over the last year or so I’ve realized that I have finally arrived at a place with respect to Mormonism that I thought I’d never see…

I’m at peace with it all. Sure I still have my hot button issues that will inspire some pretty intense soap box rhetoric but that could be said for anyone in or out of any religious or political construct. I still feel genuine sorrow for the instances I see of people wasting precious time or resources treading a path that won’t help them to maximize their opportunities but, again, I’d see that no matter where I’m at. Mormonism, to me at least, is not so special in its destructive or naive predilections. It’s just another social tribe that puts itself before the individual and, like any other organization, it is immoral by default. Take away the Mormon Church and you’d be left with the political establishment, big business, other religions, and a host of other institutions and organizations that would do pretty much the exact same things in one way or another.

So… for me… it just doesn’t seem to be that big of a deal anymore. People would find ways to band together and be collectively stupid without Mormonism and the individuals would still be, for the most part, good honest folks just trying to do the best they can with what they know. Since I can’t force-feed a cure for ignorance to the masses and I don’t know the particular combination of element s that would ensure happiness for every individual out there I just try to be the best person I can and make sure that I’m as compassionate and caring as I can be for the folks that are in my circle of influence. I’ve found that this is the most powerful tool in helping people to see that there is the possibility of happiness outside of Mormonism. It’s radically changed the way my family sees me and I’m happy… truly happy. Life still has its challenges and upsets but I’m content.

So… I found myself sitting in Sacrament Meeting wearing my khaki Dockers and a casual short sleeved polo shirt with a smile on my face and peace in my heart. I sang the hymns and passed the sacrament tray along and hugged my family. Mrs. Enigma 2.0 still has some anger that she is working through and I understand that all too well but I commented to her during the service that, “Hell, I wouldn’t mind participating again – but I’d do it as a fully open non-believer and they could take it or leave it as they choose; as would I. It would be interesting to see how a ward would respond to someone saying: ‘Hey there, I don’t believe a thing you guys teach but you seem like good folks so I’ll show up once in a while and help you out with service projects and show up for potlucks. “

It’ll never happen because the Mrs. has stated emphatically that she hates the church and since I don’t care one way or the other (except for the curiosity on the social experimental side of it on a personal interaction basis), we’ll just show up for the baby blessings and stuff.

It’s been six years now since I made my exit and life is good. I’m happy to have arrived at the place I am now and look forward to the continuing journey.

Cheers!

Enigma

Great post! That's one to ponder.

I especially liked these points:

- " People would find ways to band together and be collectively stupid without Mormonism "

- " Hey there, I don’t believe a thing you guys teach but you seem like good folks so I’ll show up once in a while and help you out with service projects and show up for potlucks. "

- " I’m happy to have arrived at the place I am now and look forward to the continuing journey. "

I needed to hear this today.

Enjoyed your post. So positive. I hope I can get to where you are. I am in year two, starting, and my Mrs. Is the opposite of yours.

Thanks!

Mrs. Enigma 1.0 was like your spouse. We separated in 2008 and now I'm with Mrs. Enigma 2.0. It was the perfect upgrade for me. And the Ex is happier now too. She can practice her religion without feeling like she's treading on eggshells and I can spout off on all things atheist/agnostic related in a conversational environment that is stimulating and encouraging. Hang in there Derrida, I certainly had my harrowing days and nights but life has a way of weaving and bobbing and giving us moments of respite before the next storm. If I've learned anything in the last 6 years (and I'm not saying I've learned a whole lot) I've learned that the only thing I can control is how I react to my circumstances. So... I can choose to love life or hate it. I still have my down times but it never stops me from seeing the big picture anymore. I create my own reality.

Hugs!

Enigma

I was doing just fine--even laughed off the bishop's and the R.S.'s visit, went to TS to see the lights with my very TBM daughter, listen to her talk about mormonism and I discuss it with her without trying to help her see--until my daughter let me know in no uncertain terms that she'll always see me as needing to be fixed unless I re-embrace mormonism. It isn't quite how she stated it--but she sees NOTHING about my success--one of the big things is I've lost significant weight this year--and what I picked up from her rant was that she sees absolutely nothing I do as a success because I have chosen not to re-embrace mormonism. That was a real kick in the gut.

I'm coming to terms with her attitude now. There are only 2 REAL opinions that matter to me that much anymore--my children. I know my boyfriend loves me. The siblings that count see me for who I am. Even my ex sees me for who I am. My daughter does not. That hurts more than I ever thought it could and it is mormonism that blinds her.

**I've held off for 2 weeks sending in my resignation. I've had the e-mail ready. I just did it.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/17/2011 10:36AM by cl2.

My oldest Daughter has a tendency to lean towards the dogmatic (and she's only 9.5) and I've had a few of those moments. I don't know how long you've been out, cl2 but these things run on tragically long time tables in many cases. I measure the progress I make with my oldest a day at a time. I'm not even trying to change her outlook or sway her opinion. I've taken her to Music and the Spoken Word, I show up to her activities and I make it a point to be interested in her world. It's making a difference slowly and surely. I know it sounds pithy but stretch that patience as long as you can. I still (probably naively so) believe in the inherent goodness in people on an individual level and I try to focus on that. It's not without pain but, so far, it is without regret.

Hang in there! I think everyone has the capacity to SEE beyond their cultural confines even if they never MOVE beyond them - even if it's for a few moments. I think our job as MOVERS is not to initiate more MOVES per se, but to provide glimpses for others... chances to SEE without an agenda.

It goes back to that verse in Matthew - let your light so shine. Now that you've MOVED, practice BEING and let others SEE you... actually see YOU. They'll make their own decisions in their own time but there are still opportunities to extract joy out of those relationships - even if they're tinged with some pain.

Best wishes!

Enigma

I guess I'm just "warning" you that there is pain to come. My daughter is 25 years old and she was anti for about 5 years and then in some dramatic fashion let me know she had gone back to church at about age 21. Then the attempt to save us all--force us back into ??? She was even telling me who I could hang out with and telling me I wasn't "learning fast enough"--we finally came to a I thought happy medium for a few years. I backed off. She backed off. I even went to GC with her.

Just before she pulled this on me--the week before Christmas Eve--she had a meltdown while making quilts for some mormon friends--so I made them for her. I made fudge for her to give her mormon friends. I gave her the oranges my aunt had given all my siblings to give to mormon ward members (with only her signature as the giver)--I went to TS to see the lights and stayed down in SLC overnight. I buy her church clothes, church "stuff"--I go in Deseret Book quite often and send her stuff while she lives out of state because she hates mormons. I even buy her things like CTR rings, etc., for Christmas because she asks--and then she lit into me on Christmas Eve and what it came down to IS that I "haven't gotten over the past because . . . I haven't forgiven the LDS church for how they messed up my life." Then I pointed out to her how many neighbors tell her "your mother is stronger than I could ever be--having forgiven your dad and him living there and they are best friends . . . "

She purposely chooses to see me through mormon eyes.

I thought we had made progress. She brought me to my knees that day. I thought we were doing well. She nearly destroyed me that day.

I'm doing better now--but you may think you are making progress. Oh yes, she asked me back in October to go to GC with her again because she didn't want to spend "that much time" with any of her Utah mormon friends--and I agreed to go. The tickets were mistakenly given to someone else.

The sad things is--you KNOW you are being supportive. You know you've COME SO FAR--I mean, I'm in a 6 year relationship with the guy I wanted to marry, her dad and I are best friends--etc., but she chooses to only see me through mormon eyes. It was a really stark realization.

Thanks for your response. It really threw me when she did that. She just called from Tennessee to talk--she is living there for 4 months. She went to a singles' ward yestrday and she said, "They tell you that mormonism is differnet outside of Utah--it isn't." She hates Utah mormons.

I will keep hoping! THANK YOU FOR REPLY.

Honestly, cl2, I don't have any hope of my oldest shifting away from the Mormon Church. And I do anticipate similar encounters - especially as she enters her adolescent years. But I've had some pretty intense talks with her about appropriate boundaries already and the importance of compromise. We've been very candid about how we see the world different but that I support her in her finding what makes her happy. I'm taking it one day at a time just like everyone else and I will never claim that things will be fixed for anyone - but I think I've clued in on the things that will help ME keep some semblance of peace and sanity when the troubling times do come. Time will tell.

One thing I have noticed - and I wish I had the time and resources to investigate it academically - is that adolescents who rebel or "go anti" during their teen years or early 20's tend to sway back to the fold even more ardently. I have a theory about this that I'd like to put out there so humor me for a moment:


Rebellion for the teens/20-somethings isn't driven by a need to honestly assess life-direction or deep soul searching. It seems to be more rooted in simply pushing boundaries for the sake of establishing individualism. There's not much thought about the long-term reasons for these actions or behaviors. in ALMOST every example that I've seen that involves rebellion from the church at a young age, the individual never learns that peace and contentment can be achieved outside the religious construct. The only frame of reference for safety and peace seems to still reside in the childhood memories of the church and the ability to navigate morally ambiguous waters using one's own moral compass is never realized. The church always occupies the position of 'safe harbor' even in the act of rebellion.

For the young, rebellion carries the dopamine rush of something new, forbidden and adventurous. Once 'life' begins to demand normalcy and these 'rebels' settle into patterns of normalcy with respect to everyday life, they crave the spiritual and moral certainty that was fed to them in the cradle of Mormonism. They know nothing else and so, they return and they return vigorously. I don't know all of the mental mechanics behind this phenomenon but the anecdotal evidence suggests a trend. I never rebelled like a lot of teenagers did. I was a middle of the road type of kid who certainly had attitudinal bouts of rebellious flamboyancy, but I never really strayed. I left the church kicking and screaming - propelled by a sense of integrity to honor what my conscience was dictating to me.

My behaviors never really changed after I left. I didn't become an alcoholic or drug addict and I didn't abandon my kids. I just 'transitioned' out of Mormonism and let my moral compass start doing the navigation. It wasn't an error free journey to be sure but I think the folks that just shift out like me may have a lower degree of probability to run back to the fold.

All that being said, whatever your daughter's reasons for running back, I would hope that life eventually teaches her that genuine kindness will always be preferable to piety and that the true 'meat' of any relationship resides in rejoicing in the individual, not the conformity of individuals to the group ideal.

I still hope for you and your daughter.

I still think you can find that peace that you've hinted at.

All the best.

Enigma

Thank you for your replies. I completely agree with what you have said above. I usually am able to tell myself the things you have posted as I know one of the reasons she chose to go back is to express her individuality--be different from her mother (it just occurred to me on re-reading this--is she just doesn't realize how much like her mother she is as she didn't know me "when.) What she doesn't realize is that if I were to go back to the LDS church, it would take that away from her. (We had a very intense relationship as mother and 2 kids because it was the 3 of us against the world after their dad left and blasted out of the closet--both of them have had to cut the apron strings in dramatic fashion.)

I know that I'm the one who has to be patient and understanding.

I was like you actually--I never rebelled actually in any fashion. I was my parents' golden child and they expressed to me just in recent years that they never worried about me leaving the church--and for that reason, they did listen to me when I told them my whys. Most of my siblings went inactive in their teens.

What I do know--and feel strongly--there will come a day when she needs me to be there to catch her when it all falls apart and I will be.

Thank you for your kind replies. I've always enjoyed your posts and it is always nice to see you back--and know you are doing well. Sometime--you need to post the thing you wrote years ago about "remember us"--something about those who are still stuck in mormonism. Maybe it is archived somewhere.

THANK YOU!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/17/2011 12:40PM by cl2.

The Death of Reason and Freedom:

http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon413.htm

ORIGINS

I was born into the church by parents whose lineage goes back to the founding of the LDS church. While they had their faults and mistakes, I was raised in a loving home with a very dedicated mother and father. They were wonderful examples to me of faith and endurance in trying circumstances and they tried every day to center their family’s life on the principles of the LDS Gospel.

I was born with a membrane disease in my lungs that nearly took my life at birth. My parents, extended family and several members of their local LDS congregation fasted and prayed many times on my behalf. My parents had already endured the devastation of losing their first-born son two days after his birth and they begged God not to take me. By virtue of the fact that I am writing this, I am there miracle baby. I was spared.

I went through all of the LDS Church rights of passage: Baptism at 8, priesthood at 12, president of my priesthood quorums, Seminary graduate/scripture mastery, mission at 19, marriage at 23 and two beautiful daughters by the age of 28. By all accounts I was on the highway to heaven. I was the good son with the ideal family, budding successful career, faithful service in church callings, and extensive understanding of the LDS gospel.


SHOCK

In January of 1995 I prepare to go through the temple for the first time in preparation for my mission. I have been taught through the years that I would learn all that was necessary to gain my salvation by going through the temple. I believe it to be the pinnacle of true worship. I have expectations of learning great things through the covenants and true order of prayer as these parts of the temple have been quietly intimated to me through the years by my parents and teachers.

My parents, grandparents, various uncles and aunts and myself meet at the Idaho Falls Idaho temple on a bright clear Saturday morning. I am a little nervous about the unknown but tremendously excited that I have reached this point in my life. I have one older sister who had made some serious mistakes and fallen away from the faith during her teen years. I am the first of my parents children to ‘make it’ to the temple and it is the healing balm for their souls to see their oldest son ‘staying the course’.

…Let me take you now through my first experience in the temple…

I get my temple clothing packet from the rental counter. The first two whispering questions surface to my conscious mind…

~What is this clothing for?

~Why are there moneychangers in the temple?

‘No matter’ I rationalize, I am hear to receive enlightenment and make covenants in the House of the Lord. I go with my father to a small room that serves as some kind of office. There, the temple president explains to me the sacred nature of the Garment and the need to wear it from this point on as a shield and a protection. I go through the Washing and Anointing and New Name ceremony without much concern. I accept these ordinances based on references in the bible regarding the washing and anointing of priests and the periodic assignment of new names to various biblical patriarchs in the Old Testament.

I proceeded to the waiting chapel to sit and meditate until the time of the next session. The time has arrived and the company of people assembled in the chapel is ushered into the creation room (the Idaho Falls Temple still has separate creation, garden, telestial and terrestrial rooms with the video and audio segments appropriate for those parts of the ceremony queued up in succession). I sit and wait.

~The company is seated…

~The lights grow dim…

~I sit silently in the darkness...

~This is the beginning of the end…

“You will be required to take upon yourselves sacred obligations, the violation of which will bring upon you the judgment of God. For God will not be mocked…”

~I feel fear in the darkness…

“If any of you wish to withdraw rather than receive these covenants of your own free will and choice, you may now make it know by raising your hand…”

~I look around in the darkness…

~I see my family silhouetted in the darkness…

~I feel fear in the darkness…

~I remain seated in the darkness…

I witness the creation and go into the garden room. The fruit is eaten. The fall has commenced…

“Take some fig leaves and make you aprons. Father will see your nakedness. Quick! Hide!”

“Brothers and Sisters put on your aprons.”

~I obey Satan…

I make my first covenant to obey God’s law and keep his commandments. I see the sisters bow their heads in submission to their husband’s. I am now ready to receive the first token of the Aaronic Priesthood with its accompanying name and sign.

~What is a token?

~What will I do with it?

I receive the first token: A secret handshake.

~A secret handshake…

I make the sign. I make the covenant. “I, Jesse, solemnly covenant before God, Angels, and these witnesses at this altar, that I will never reveal the first token of the Aaronic Priesthood with it’s accompanying name and sign”

~A secret combination…

All my life I have been taught from the Book of Mormon that secret signs, oaths and societies are from the devil. They are responsible for the destruction of civilizations and untold misery.

~I have joined a secret society…

~I am now a part of a secret combination…

~I feel fear…

Adam and Eve are cast out of the garden. I go into the telestial room.

~Satan is looking at me…

“I have a word to say concerning these people. If they do not walk up to every covenant that they make at these altars in this temple today, the will be in my power…”

~I feel terror…

Satan is cast out. I receive more tokens and signs. I put on strange clothing.

~I look at my father…

~His face a mask of concentration, staring resolutely ahead…

~I look at my mother…

~Her face devoid of emotion, following by rote…

I look around at all the other patrons following en masse. All dressed in strange ceremonial clothing. All bow their heads and say yes.

~I am in a cult…

~My mind whispers quietly: Please God no…

“Each of you bow your head and say yes.”

The company chants in unison: “YES”

~I am trapped…

~My mind screams: PLEASE DEAR GOD NO!

“EACH OF YOU BOW YOUR HEAD AND SAY YES.”

~I bow my head…

~I say “yes”…

“Raise both hands high above the head and while lowering the hands, repeating three times the words: O God, hear the words of my mouth”

~Everyone raises their hands…

~I raise my hands…

~Everyone repeats the chant…

~I repeat the chant…

The sound of many voices as one has a numbing effect…

~I am no longer an individual…

The True order of prayer is introduced. I feel relief. Finally a prayer to sooth my tortured mind. We gather in a circle around the altar. This sisters veil their faces. We do not pray. We make the signs of all the tokens of the priesthood. We each take the hand of the sister to our left in the patriarchal grip, raise our left arms to the square, and rest them on the shoulder of the person to our left.

~The officiator kneels…

~He begins to pray…

“Those in the circle will repeat the words of the prayer”

~We repeat the words of the officiator…

~Our words are a monotone chant…

~I am in a séance…

The sound of many voices as one has a numbing effect…

~I am no longer an individual…

~I feel my mind growing numb…

~I obey…

~I accept…

I pass through the veil after receiving the name of the second token of the Melchizedek Priesthood and go into the celestial room. Family congratulating me in hushed and reverent tones surrounds me. I sit for a moment to ponder.

~I am in a cult…

~Dear God what have I done?

~I am in shock…

~I have learned nothing…

I visit the temple repeatedly to gain more insight. None comes. I just accept it all as I have been taught to do and eventually the questions and doubts are silenced as the euphoria of accomplishment enshrouds me.

~I made it…

~I am one of the elite…

~This is the beginning of the end…


UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

After my first time through the temple, I learn from my mother that the ordinances have been changed recently. I simply nodd in acknowledgement of here statement, still too shocked to really respond to this revelation. Looking back, it was the perfect time to broach the subject, as I would not give it another thought for 10 years.

While on my mission I become aware of the existence of the Masonic order. I learn that Joseph Smith was a Mason. I learn of the similarities between the Masonic and Temple ceremonies. I learned that the temple endowment ceremony was introduced within two months of Joseph Smith’s induction into the Masonic Order. I learned that Joseph restored the endowment to its full purity from its ancient and corrupted Masonic origins. I am too indoctrinated as a missionary to even entertain a concern about the whole situation. I accept it all.

In my second year of college in 1999 a fellow student, upon learning that I was a Mormon confides in me that he used to be a Mormon but that he left because of the Book of Abraham. As I listen, he explaines to me that is was nothing more than a common Egyptian funerary text and that Joseph Smith’s translation was completely false. He tells me how everybody told him to ‘read this or read that’ writing written by various apologists to explain away the problem but none of it made any sense. He summarizes by saying that maybe he doesn’t have enough faith. He cannot reconcile the glaring inconsistency. My faith was unwavering. I feel pity for him.

By the end of 2004 I am a traditional believing married Mormon Father of two with a home in the northern Utah suburbs and a college degree completed. I am in the elder’s quorum presidency, working in my field of interest and life is good. Over the last few years, I have encountered and ‘resolved’ to my satisfaction a multitude of evidences and questions that would shed doubt upon the divinity and authenticity of the church. I am a stalwart member. In October of 2004 I get a job offer within my company for a position at the corporate headquarters in Atlanta, Georgia. My wife and I prayerfully consider and accept the offer. This is the first big move for us. My wife’s father works at the Bountiful Utah temple and he and his wife are preparing to serve a mission. We sell our home during the Christmas season and move to a small suburb north of Atlanta in January 2005. We are now on our own.

Shortly after our move to Georgia, my wife relates to me a phone conversation she had with her parents (they call usually once a week) in which her father mentioned in passing that the Initiatory ordinance had been changed. The comment passes and the conversation continues. All is well.

~All is not well…

~Deep inside my mind, a thought emerges…


COLLAPSE

~It keeps gnawing at me…

~I can’t seem to shake it…

~I’ll get over it…

I take the time one day to peruse the junk mail and run across an Oprah mail order book club list. I am browsing through the titles when I come across the title: Leaving the Saints: How I Lost the Mormons and Found My Faith by Martha Beck. I am intrigued and I read the brief description. I am always interested in why people leave the church if only to reinforce the various arguments I have constructed to bolster my faith. I do a search online at work and find that this is the daughter of Hugh Nibley, the most renowned church apologist. I read a few excerpts online…

~There is a crack in the foundation of my fortress of faith…

~The Book of Abraham is back…

~For reasons I know not, I cannot ignore it this time…

I begin to read. I read stories online about why people leave the LDS church. I read for two months. I collect their stories. I laugh with them, cry with them, I sympathize with them.

I am now in violation of question number six in the temple recommend interview: “Do you affiliate with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or do you sympathize with the precepts of any such group or individual?”

~I bow my head and say yes…


HOPE

~I begin to think…

~I begin to question…

~I begin to doubt…

~I begin to learn…

~I begin to awaken…

I spend every available break time at work reading on the Internet. I revisit all of my concerns with an objective point of view. The evidence is devastating. It has been here all along and I have refused to see it in the light of rational thought. I have forcefully refused to use the brain that God gave me for over 10 years. I drink from the fountains of knowledge like a man dying of thirst. I have never felt so liberated. I ask God if what I am doing is right. I feel an incredible sense of peace and love envelope me and I know in my heart and mind that what I am doing is right.

~I am an individual!

~I am alive!

~I am free!

I am… married to a devout Mormon woman and I have two daughters. I am… in the elder’s quorum presidency. I am… in a large Mormon family that, with only 2 exceptions, is all devout believers. I start to think again. We are on our own now. Family is thousands of miles away. I begin to hope. If I make the information passively available, my wife will listen to the voice of reason. I share my concern of the changing temple ordinances with her. She is shocked but tries to understand and agrees that I need to prayerfully study my concerns to get the answers that I am seeking. I bring ‘By His Own Hand Upon Papyrus’ by Charles Larson home to casually read.

I am reading more and more each day. Finding a special thrill in entertaining serious questions and using my reason and intellect along with inspiration to find the truth. I am learning to love absolute truth without loyalty to any organization. It has truly set me free. I can question anything! I can reach my own carefully thought out conclusions! No information is off limits! I can truly exercise my mind! It is incredibly intoxicating.

~I know the truth now…

~The Mormon Church is a man made institution…

~It has no claim to exclusive authority…

~I know…

~I am so happy…

By this time I have stopped paying tithing. I am getting a better handle on the family finances as a result. I am cultivating a more tolerant and loving worldview. I am less judgmental. I no longer view life through the confining prism of Mormonism.

~The freedom is intoxicating…

~I don’t tell my wife…

~This is my fatal mistake…

Thursday, July 28th, 2005: we come to an emotional confrontation that lasts until four o’clock in the morning. Because I now hold the church in suspect, my wife tells me that our marriage is based on a lie. She tells me that she wishes that our children had never been born. She tells me that she does not want her daughters raised in a home with an unbeliever.

~I read the writing on the wall…


TRAPPED

Friday, July 29th, 2005: I come home from work and my wife tells me she has come to some conclusions. We sit and talk. She has read ‘By His Own Hand Upon Papyrus’. She tells me that the truth is anti Mormon. She has thrown away the book. She tells me that Satan is tempting me with the facts. She tells me her testimony is unshakable. She tells me that in order for her to support me in my journey, I must do things her way. I must study only the scriptures and approved church scripture study guides alone and with her. She tells me I must put aside the facts and the truth for now. If at the end I still feel that the church is not true, she does not know what she will do. She may go into therapy. She may leave me. She may take my children away. She has called her parents and my parents while I am at work. They have all agreed to open their homes to her immediately if necessary. She tells me that my parents are prepared to come to my home this weekend and if necessary, she will go back with them. She has set an appointment with the bishop for Sunday morning.

~I am trapped…


DECISION

Saturday, July 30, 2005 – midnight: I cannot sleep. I go to the downstairs living room. I lay on the couch. I talk with God. I know the truth now. I love my family more than life itself. I would rather die than lose my children.

~Truth is irrelevant…

~Truth must be ignored once again…

~Facts must be buried once again…

~Freedom must be surrendered once again…

~I put on the blindfold…

~I put on the shackles…

~I am a voluntary prisoner in my own mind…

~I commit intellectual suicide tonight…

~I commit spiritual suicide tonight…

~I do this willingly, fully aware of the consequences, for the rest of my life…

~Freedom and reason are buried under the crushing weight of the foundation of my prison…

~I cry tonight…

~My soul dies tonight…

I go to the bishop Sunday morning. I say what is necessary. I will conform. I talk to my parents that night. I will conform. Because I love my family more than life itself I will conform. This is the legacy of Mormonism: conformity. I voluntarily submit myself to the horrifically comforting mental conditioning once again. I close forever the covers of enlightening literature. I will read and understand only what is approved.

~It is so easy…

~It is so simple…

~Yes…

~I understand…

~I bow my head and say yes…


~But…


~Buried in the recesses of my conscience, there will always be a bright spark of pure truth…

~Lingering…

~I know…


REMEMBER US…

To those of you on the outside reading this, I beg you, please do not forget us. Please remember the hundreds of thousands of unique, special, beautiful individuals that are currently serving life sentences in the prison of Mormonism. Please do not cease to pray; to whatever God you serve, for our deliverance. Some of us have no hope for redemption or liberation. For the greater good, we willingly sacrifice our souls upon the altar of conformity and orthodoxy. Our pain is real. Our sentence is absolute.

I will always hold out hope that one day, perhaps within my lifetime though not likely, that pure truth will prevail. I hope someday that the desire to understand the truth at all costs will override the desire to maintain tradition and conformity. Until that day I will try to find some grain of happiness somewhere, anywhere, in the spiritual abyss that I have willingly entered into.

~I bid farewell to progress…

~I bid farewell to truth…

~I bid farewell to reason…

~I bid farewell to freedom…

To those of you on the outside, I thank you. I thank you for your courage. I thank you for your wisdom and insight. I thank you for your compassion and understanding. I thank you for your stories. I thank you for showing me the truth and allowing me to bask in its warmth, even if for a small moment. I love you all. I hope that truth will ultimately prevail. I hope that you and I will live to see it.

Until that time, I go, quietly, shackled and blinded once more into the prison that awaits me. I bid you all farewell.

Remember me…

Remember us…

~I feel myself submerge once again into the group…

~I feel the darkness close around my mind…

~Strange…

~It feels so comfortable…

~So familiar…

~It doesn’t hurt very much anymore…

~I feel my identity slipping quietly away…

~I am no longer and individual…

~I bow my head and say yes…

Wow, so very very powerful, amazing! Just awesome!!!

As I approach my 5th anniversary out I think of a few posters who helped me during a few DARK months early in my exit. You and Runtu were a couple of guys who gave me some hope and ideas on how to navigate some tricky marital waters. THANKS! I truly am happy that you have reached a happy place.

Adam

Glad I was able to give back a little. I received so much support from this board when I was in the thick of it. Hope all is well for you brotha!

Cheers!

Enigma

VERY thought-provoking. Especially this:

"Since I can’t force-feed a cure for ignorance to the masses and I don’t know the particular combination of elements that would ensure happiness for every individual out there I just try to be the best person I can and make sure that I’m as compassionate and caring as I can be for the folks that are in my circle of influence."

A worthwhile, well-articulated goal. Thanks for posting!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/17/2011 11:23AM by WiserWomanNow.

Good you have found peace for yourself. I can see how it works with your own family. However, you must never forget the treatment of others by Mormons. If you wish to associate from time to time with your "old" tribe, fine, but I could not be amongst those who look at all others as inferior. And they shun those they approach but the people decide they are not interested. That is not a kind, family oriented church in my opinion.

Yep - I understand that tendency within Mormonism. The problem with that thinking, as I see, is that it's not unique to or predominant only among Mormons. Like I said in the original post, all 'organizations' are immoral by default and if it wasn't Mormonism, most folks would find a way to group together and shun other people for some other illogical reason. Mormonism is just one brand of human collective stupidity. I don't think it's a kind, family oriented anything. It's just another human group with its own peculiarities that I happen to share a heritage with.

My interest in interacting (though I'm not going to go that route) would be to keep being an oddity that they couldn't crack, someone that would smile as he said no to a calling or assignment that he didn't feel like doing; someone who would say what he wanted when he wanted and turn any attempt at shunning or vaunting on its head for the sake of a good laugh. And if it ruffled feathers I would politely refer to the "visitors welcome" sign. It's more for my own sociological amusement than anything else. Hell, I'd probably invite the elders quorum out for a beer after church any time I showed up just for the fun of it.

Like the Sacrament Meeting this last Sunday, I just took note of things that were odd to me...

...most notably that all the suits and ties running around made me think of a navy blue Whack-A-Mole game - Thump! Thump! Thump!

Thanks man! Email me when you have a second. Let me know how you're faring.

Cheers!

Enigma

enigma Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Thanks man! Email me when you have a second. Let
> me know how you're faring.
>
> Cheers!
>
> Enigma


Check your email dude.

Wow...I remember you well. Glad to see your around these parts.

I first found the board at the end if 2004 and read and followed your story. Only I conformed and kept my mouth shut. And now 6 years later I'm a hollowed out soul who sits staring out the window of life wishing I had gone outside to play when I had the chance! I was too scared to take the risks you did and lose my family to Mormonism and instead have lost myself to Mormonism. So glad to hear you made it through to the other side.

Enigma,

That is a heartbreaking story and you MUST confront your wife. You MUST get out and to hell with the consequences. You only have one life - this life. Don't give it up to some phony religion. Make your wife see the truth. Persist with her because the reasoning power of a 10 year old can see through the scam that this church is built upon - those who cannot are either in denial or not listening.

GET OUT!

Hey Nealster, Thanks for the concern but I think you got my initial post confused with my 'by-request' archive re-post from 2005 (Death of Reason and Freedom). Since the writing of that essay I have divorced my first wife and remarried. I have 2-4 days a week with my kids and I am living the example that I want them to see. They still 'live' with my ex but the separation was completely amicable and my ex actually wants our kids to have lots of time with me. We work well together (always did 'work' well together - there was just nothing in common) and the girls, though still practicing Mormonism by virtue of living with their mother, are getting constant exposure to other ways of thinking and are seeing that happiness and goodness exist outside of Mormonism. Life has turned a good corner for me.

All the best.

Enigma

WOW. Thank you for posting your story. I'm at a loss for words. The bad part is that now I'll probably lurk on here for another 6 hours hoping for more inspiration rather than getting to work like I should!

I heartily second the comments from Enigma. I think he is in a very good place, one that I would very much like to inhabit.

I have often reflected that of all the different kinds of collective stupidity out there, Mormonism in its twentieth-century form is among the more benign (not because it does not hurt people, but because other idiot groups hurt people much more than it does). Some of us have been hurt much worse than others, and we need more distance from the church, more outlets for our anger. But I believe that even the most injured among us would benefit, ultimately, from learning to forgive the fools who mean well (most of them), even if they mistakenly believe in the efficacy of guilt-trips and busy work.