I had been posting under my actual name, Chris Vreeland, but that's not my name anymore. I feel like I've left behind some kind of shell of myself. I definitely left behind a shell of a life.

I was BIC and grew up in Utah County but became disaffected at a very young age. I was forced to attend church when I stated my feelings about the LDS church. My father could force my body to attend but my mind went down other paths, some good and some not but all of them led me here. When I finally became an adult I left the church for good and that was 11 years ago. I didn't know of the official resignation process at the time so I just told my bish, and long time family friend, that I was leaving and not coming back. I was ashamed of my childhood for a long time to the point of denying I had ever been Mormon which was complicated and not terribly healthy. While I had to keep a 2nd life stashed away inside my head while I was in the church there was no need for it now but the church did a good job of instilling shame and damaging my interpersonal relationship skills.

Over the next 10 years I thought I did a good job of building a new life for myself outside of Utah and the church. I found a career, a spouse, a new home in Maine and I grew to be so much happier than I ever was before. But I still had this dark corner in my mind that held my memories and experiences from when I was 13 years old going back. My spouse knew some of it but I just didn't talk about it in detail and she never pressed. We had a good life together. I did all kinds of things I could have done if I stayed LDS but probably wouldn't have. We don't live an extraordinary life but we do things I never saw other Mormons do. We don't focus on material possession, we're both mental health workers, we adopted dogs, cats and goats and almost two years ago we adopted three kids.

Here's where the story got complicated for me. The kids we adopted were all old enough to talk and ask tough questions. They wanted to know where I grew up, what kind of people I knew, what I did when I was their age, stuff like that. Those kids had a tough life before we found each other but of course none of it was their fault. They have nothing to be ashamed of and it suddenly dawned on me that I don't either. Why should I have to hide my childhood from others and shield myself from it?

So one night my spouse and I are watching PBS and a documentary about Mormons comes on. We watched it and all the memories came flooding back. I started having nightmares and wondered if the church had ever taken my name off the rolls. So I looked up how to find out and discovered this site.

Now it's clear to me I wasn't being fair to myself or my family. I had shut off the whole beginning of my life and a certain part of my emotional capacity from myself and my family. I had been holding back on a lot of things, sometimes conciously and sometimes not. Well, no longer.

A little over a month ago I had my name legally changed. I'm now Chris Patterson. That was something my spouse and I had always planned to do but we kept finding reasons to put it off. She didn't want to take my old last name and I have no particular attachment to it. She and I were never legally married, partially due to all my family issues. I've just picked up two wedding bands and sometime in the next several months she and I will have our secular wedding ceremony in the woods behind our home. Then we'll all be Pattersons.

None of this changes who I am or was. I've just discovered the freedom to be who I am, openly.

I hate it when people ask where I am from (I say SoCal) or where I grew up. (SLC.) So I guess I also hide part of my past from others. If I admit to a Utah connection, the next question is the dreaded one. I have thought about saying I wasn't a Mormon, but I'm not a good liar.

I left SLC 47 years ago--for good. I don't want to keep rehashing old stuff.

Congratulations on your new freedom and name change.

When I see your old name I always think of Vreeland Motors in Ventura. I bought a car from them once, but I never thought of it as a Mormon name.

I was born in California but my family moved to Utah when I was two. After I left the church I just omitted the Utah part from my story. I too got sick of answering the next question after saying I was from Utah.

I've heard about Vreeland Motors before. Funny that you're the fifth or sixth person to mention that to me. They must be a big deal out there. Most of my extended family still lives in California so maybe there's a relation.

n/t

IMO, you will find less shame and judgment in the real world. You have truly made a fresh start. I admire you and your future wife, for devoting yourselves to your children.

My children and I felt debilitating shame here in Mormon Utah, when I moved here from another state:

--We are outsiders, born somwhere else. We talk funny. We're too friendly. We smile too much, we laugh too much.

--We are "a broken home" a divorced family, abandoned by the father.

--I am single. I've been gossipped about, accused of being a lesbian, accused of wanting other women's husbands (icky, flabby chauvinist men are not my type)

--I am a working mother, bread-winner, head of household.

--We are too happy, confident, ambitious, physically fit. We don't "know our place." We are judged for our lack of humility.

--We are accused of being "selfish" because we say "no" and we won't give the Mormons any money or slave labor.

I went through a lot of what you went through, except I was ashamed of those things that were esentially RIGHT about my life.

You are an inspiration to anyone, in any situation! The issue is to be proud of who you are!

We come from a BIC background, wherein we were stripped of our individuality and creativity, and crammed into a tiny one-size-fits-all box into which nobody truly can fit. When (not if) we fail to conform perfectly, we are threatened and guilt-tripped. It is our fault for being born who we are. We are faliures. The Mormon God will not love us unless we obey and serve. So, we are unloved failures from Primary age on. Mormons, IMO, are a very depressed group of people.

When we apostatize, the MOrmons villify us, and punish us with harrassment, bullying, and shunning. "God's punishment" Not!

You know how lucky you are to be physically distanced from Utah. Still, you have to deal with your Mormon extended family, and you are handling that very well!

Congratulations on overcoming the damage the cult did to you! We are all struggling to do that. I agree that reality is better than that fake "shell of a life" that Mormonism imposes on its members. Children, work, cats and dogs, and the forest are very REAL!

After my parents divorced she tried hard to stick around in Utah and found it impossible. There was, and still is, such a stigma attached to being a single mother in Utah. She ended up leaving for California after a bunch of sly, underhanded gossip and shunning. It was a number of years before we saw her, and my sister, again. She didn't have the resources to come out to Utah regularly and my father couldn't afford to send us out there. Nice job on the family values front to the LDS church. I know they did the same thing to others.

Thank you for posting. I am out too and I still occasionally get nightmares. Even with nightmares I am happier now.

Your experience with the Mormon church must have been really horrible.

My husband and I are starting classes to adopt from foster care (this Saturday!). I'm very nervous and excited about the actual adoption, which won't be for a while, of course. We don't know anyone that has adopted (although hopefully we meet some through the courses). I might find you on here and ask some questions some time, if that's OK. I don't have specific questions yet really . . . I'd really just like to hear about someone's experiences with kids that have had a hard time.

We started the process with the three children in mind already. I had been working with abused/neglected handicapped children for a few years and it felt right.

The classes were easy enough and the state was eager to get us through. The home study and making sure our house was up to code were the only tough parts. We didn't have anything to worry about but it's stressful to have social workers digging around in your personal life.

It's been a tough road but absolutely worth it and I can't imagine my life any other way. What did we used to do before we had kids? It seems so long ago. Any questions are welcome or if you just need someone to relate to I'll be around.

Ms. Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Your experience with the Mormon church must have
> been really horrible.
>
> My husband and I are starting classes to adopt
> from foster care (this Saturday!). I'm very
> nervous and excited about the actual adoption,
> which won't be for a while, of course. We don't
> know anyone that has adopted (although hopefully
> we meet some through the courses). I might find
> you on here and ask some questions some time, if
> that's OK. I don't have specific questions yet
> really . . . I'd really just like to hear about
> someone's experiences with kids that have had a
> hard time.


I have adopted 2 children from foster care. We had 24 foster childre all together-it was an amazing yet very sad (for the kids) experience. Our 10 year old son was 4 mths. when he came to us.At 10 mths. he went back to his bio mom so she could screw him up some more. We got him back at 16 mths. With lots of intervention and therapy (3 years worth so far) he has become a wonderful little boy. He is so kind and loving and sweet. He is doing great in 4th. grade,is in band and scouts. Our 7 year old daughter came to us at 5 weeks. She has been with us ever since. Quite the character she is....but very smart and advanced gymnast. They are both incredible kids. Good luck to you in your adoption pursuit. Keep us posted!

That's so great to hear that your children are doing well now despite the difficult time they had. It is really sad to think of all the kids that don't receive permanent (and good) homes. But you gave that to two of them! Wow.

We might be foster parents first (since the training covers that as well) if we aren't ready to adopt right off (or if it will take a while for whatever reason), but the thought of them coming and going, like you said--you have to be really strong to deal with that, even as the adult.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Before I got married, I had to resign. I wasn't being harassed or anything, but I saw it as an opportunity to go carte blanche.

Maria Newlastname was never a mormon, like Maria Maidenname was.

Even though I'm a serious feminist, changing my name was like shedding my past, and therefore very empowering.