This business of leaving the church when you live right in the middle of a Mormon community with descendants of pioneers and members of your extended family all around is particularly messy. The disruption I have caused makes me begin to wonder if my cognitive freedom is worth the price. The Mormon way was my whole life. It meant everything to me. Do I really want to leave it all behind? Part of me says the truth is the best and standing up for what I believe is best. The other part of me realizes the drama, pain, and conflict I've caused even to myself.

Before my disaffection, I was happily chugging along a path that seemed to make sense to me as long as I ignored the trouble. Sure my marriage sucked and I spent very little time with my family compared to now. Sure I spent 90% of my discretionary funds on the church, God knows where the money went. etc, etc... Sure I felt guilty about everything I didn't do.

OK, I realize just as I write this I was unhappy then. I'm happy now... I'm happy in a different way. I'm happy in this deep down way that I'm comfortable with myself. But as I sit here the scaffolding is falling around me. Like I have this beautiful mansion that I worked on all my life and it is falling and crumbling around me. There is sadness and confusion and misunderstandings everywhere. There is uncertainty that would be enough to scare me back to belief if I had known the uncertainty earlier...

I realize I can't go back now without unlearning information. But I often wonder if it was worth it. The disruption it has caused me is huge. I want to let it go. I want the religion to leave my life forever but it keeps haunting me. I'm too immersed in it physically I guess.

I hear you. And you can't unlearn stuff.

What you describe is one of the biggest evils of the church IMO. The institutionally sanctioned and taught shunning. The nevermo friends that I have can't imagine it. When they don't want to be part of a church anymore, they just stop. No harm, no foul. It's not really an issue at all.

I'm speaking as someone who hasn't come out to most of my family, but I figure that sometime my sphere of influence will be built up again outside of mormonism. But until then, it is purposely made as difficult as possible by an evil cult.

It will happen I'm sure. Be patient and give it time.

I feel your pain. I too have ancestors who crosed the plains. Is the church an evil cult? I can't be convinced of that. Likewise, I can't believe it is a true honest religion either.

apparently you have not had enough of your friends get killed
(throat slashed mormon temple style directly due to LDS issues)

or kill themselves due LDS preaching.

or been in enough situations where your life just doesnt matter in the shadow of LDS inc concerns.

enjoy your privileged status, but dont ever make the mistake of tellin me that LDS inc is not really evil. the Door way to Hell isnt as evil as the MORmON church!

As a convert, now living in CA, reading this post, it has been much easier for me. I've lived in UT, I can empathize!

Yes, indeed, making a major change about leaving your generational, familial, traditional, religious tribe will and can cause a lot of chaos. Much of the time, we don't know the outcome. We fly by the seat of our pants, so to speak. It seems to take a lot of time for others to adjust to our changes. Some never do.

I've used this quote before --- as I think it applies.

"The individual has always had to struggle to resist the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

--Nietzsche

My hope for you would be that you can rely on the new found happiness and freedom to sustain you.

I had already been through the breakup of my marriage and the "shunning" because I didn't fit in. I waited a long time to be married and fit into mormonism. I knew my kids wouldn't fit in. I went inactive and picked up the pieces of my life.

It was a HUGE relief to realize it was all bullshit. I had nothing left to lose--I'd already lost all I thought I held dear, but I found out I was wrong.

My family was also not over the top TBM. It was odd though how some of the inactives hated me anti-mormon attitude.

BUT--this is food for thought--I came from a very pioneer background, but my dad wasn't very active. We were never treated like mormon royalty. THE ONLY TIME in mormonism that I was treated like mormon royalty is when I was with my husband--who was ex. sec. and cheating on me extensively with other men. The ward loved us--adored us--envied us . . . and it was all a big sham.

Play the part--you fit in. Don't play the part, you don't.

smeagol Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The disruption I have caused makes me begin to
> wonder if my cognitive freedom is worth the price.

That disruption is planned in order to make people think twice about thinking twice.

> I often wonder if it was worth it.

Yes. Here's why. How often do you get to view life from two completely different perspectives? You know the "innocent, virtuous life" as a former mo. Now, go find your new life. You are about to experience a rebirth of sorts, and it is very well worth it. Everything becomes new and fresh in life after such a drastic life-refitting. It's like being a kid with an adult brain. ;-)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/18/2011 02:21PM by Jesus Smith.

The first night I was learning all these things about the church one of the biggest things going through my head, like you all mentioned: "Sure, I could go back to the church, but I can't exactly unlearn all this." It disoriented me so much I was up all night and I'm pretty sure the next night wasn't great sleep either. I think all of us who "knew" the church was true, heck even bore our testimony a couple of times(I know I did), it shook us on an unimaginable level.