Hi all -- I have been here for some time. I left the church about an year ago while my DW is still active. We are processing things out. One of the challenges I have to process is how our relationship has evolved. Our marriage, maybe as any other marriage, has its ups and downs. I have kind of felt that I got married almost to the fact that she is a uber-mormon. Okay, now the picture is a bit different. I used to be a uber-mormon as well. With that in mind, our interests were perhaps heavily invested in the church and little in ourselves. Now I realize we have little in common. I am careful not to step into mines. I find it unhealthy. For example, we had some specific marital issues that we struggled for many years, and she is determined to work it out. Fine, I am willing to push in the effort. But, if I drink a sip of alcohol, the marriage will be over. Is that a bit of an overkill? And, she still have hope that I will return even though she said she kinds of accepted the new me. Okay. She also tells me that she forgives me for leaving the church. That was also a bit awkward. I don't believe I did anything wrong, but I have to think in her shoes, because she thinks otherwise. I feel that we are becoming two diverging individuals, though we are trying to make it work. I am willing to hope that things might work along the road, albeit with reservations. Perspectives and/or suggestions?

Befuddled in Kharkdom

You have children?

You're a grown man. I think the ultimatum she gave you about having a sip of alcohol is a bit much. How much if your life is she controlling? If you feel like you can't make any adult decisions for yourself then is it worth it?

Counseling.

Non LDS counseling.

For me, the one sip of alcohol thing would be a deal breaker -- that is a ridiculous level of control, as well as an indicator that her level of commitment to you is based on a silly and arbitrary rule that someone else set. But you have to work this out for yourself.

When I was struggling in my first marriage, this book was unbelievably helpful, and I highly recommend it for anyone working through marital issues:

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirschenbaum

"If you have a sip of alcohol the marriage is over...wait...what's that you're opening....a can...a can of beer....?"

"Yes love, now you have an excuse to leave me if you want. But that will be your decision entirely."

"Well...okay...some alcohol is okay...but don't you dare drink any coffee or the marriage is over...wait...what's that you're doing...putting the kettle on...?"

"Yes love, now you have an excuse to leave me if you want. But that will be your decision entirely. Every time you give me an ultimatum about what I can't drink or can't eat or can't watch or can't read, I'm going to do exactly that."

Have you read The Taming Of The Shrew?

Yes, wine, I have kids. I am aware what and how this may impact overall. I am already going through counseling and figuring things out. I used to go through an LDS-oriented counseling but now works through a non-LDS counseling. I can see the big difference. The central theme I am getting from counseling is whether the path I am taking will be making me happy or not, and figuring out what I wanted. I was a bit surprised at that. I was "programmed" to suppress my own for the sake of the others. It is challenging for me to try to think for myself which might be more healthy.

Oak, she is not controlling, really. She is prescribing some church doctrines that I no longer believe, that is all. Anake, thanks for the suggestion about the book by Mira. I will look into it. Thanks for the humor, Stumbling. :) Well, I get the general consensus here. Yes, I am an adult and I will process them and see where it would lead. I wanted to elicit differing perspectives and not just mine. Thanks, all of you.

Cheers,

K