I ask this question because it seems that way with me. While my own father is exmo and all 5 of my siblings, my mom is still TBM. She's not the problem though. She'd have to turn her back on all her kids.

The problem is my in-laws. Hubby's fam is local to us. Mine is not. Ever since they found out we left, about 4 yrs ago(we left 6 yrs ago), they've distanced themselves from us. My M-I-L used to come and visit with the kids and I once a week, before she found out. Now, we see them for birthdays and holidays; that's it.

I've been seriously ill for about 6 months, they know I've been sick, but they've not offered an ounce of help to my family. We've got 4 small kids, and life has been unbelievably difficult. I don't understand why my in-laws haven't helped us out at all. Simple things, like just taking our 2 year old for the day, every now and then, would be a lifesaver, so I could get some rest. They're retired, they are down near us, at the Sacramento temple all the time. They certainly have the time and energy to help us out.

I will probably be having brain/spinal surgery soon. I know I won't be able to handle the kids afterward, for possibly up to a month. I have no idea what we're going to do/ how we're going to get through this without some help from family. They seem to treat us like we've got the plague, which makes asking very difficult.

Ya, the LDS church is really all about family. Ha! That is, until someone leaves the church. Then it comes between families. Ugh!

TTFN,
Jenn

Are you able to say what state you're in?

I think it's sad when members don't help exmo relatives when times are tough. That same thing has happened to me, but I'm now used to it (I keep my expectations low)...

What a horrible mess.

Yes, my husband's Utah TBM family dropped us.

They stopped acknowledging our kids' birthdays. We tried to fake it for a couple of years by calling grandma on the day of a child's birthday, reminding her what day it was, and then handing off the phone to the kid and saying, "Grandma called!"

Now we don't bother. The kids have figured out they don't matter much as ex-Mormons.

I wish I had the answer for you Eloher. You need an RfM Relief Society Compassionate Service Leader, d@mmit! I'd appoint myself to the calling but we don't live anywhere near each other. :(

Can your own mom fly in to stay for a while post-surgery? Can your husband take Family Medical Leave time?

You may have to just suck it up and get your husband to ask his parents for help directly.

In any event, I'm glad you're finally going to get your health problems fixed (I hope?)

Good luck, darlin'. Email me if you want. Let us know what happens.

Shannon ;o)
(Formerly JackMormon'sWife)

Heya Shannon! Long time no talk!

I'm glad we're finally getting to the bottom of my health problems too. Just as we got the autoimmune arthritis seemingly under control, I started having neurological problems. I was tested for MS, as the main concern, but they found I have a congenital spinal/brain deformity that's the cause. A slip and fall accident brought things to the forefront. I have a Chiari Malformation. My posterior fossa developed too small for my brain. As a result, I have cerebellum crowding and cerebeller tonsil herniation into my spinal cord. The crowding appears to be cutting off cerebrospinal fluid flow. I need a posterior fossa decompression. The chronic headaches I've suffereId since a child are probably due to this defect.

My mother only lives 2-3 hours away by car, but she works full time and is broke too. She's also a bit off her rocker and we really don't get along that well. Lol! She's not a child person either. Go figure, since she had 6 kids. Once we were older, she didn't know what to do with us though. She neglected us and I and my older brothers basically raised our 3 younger siblings.

My hubby has a lot of paid time off accrued, but can't really afford to take much time off. He's the only one at his work who can do what he does. Heck, he can't even take a day or two off without work calling multiple times a day. Lol! He can't afford to get way behind on his work. He could work from home part-time to jeep on top of the bare minimum, but with 4 kids, he knows he needs to be off completely in order to stay on top of the housework,etc too.

We can't afford the 40% pay cut he'd take for FMLA. We're barely staying afloat as it is. Hopefully he can work out something with his folks. The ideal would be if his mom came over 2 days a week to help with housework and kids, and he worked those 2 days, plus another day by pulling a few hours here and there during the 2 year old's nap time or something.

It just sucks that we'd have to ask for their help. They know I'm sick, they know my house is a disaster, they've seen it. They know I have debilitating daily headaches and can't drive any more due to dizzy spells and vertigo. They know I'm too exhasted to ever do much. It sucks that they've not offered to help. It hurts. We were closer to his family than mine. Now the damn church has come between us.

It kills me to read the blog of an old LDS friend of mine who has cancer. Someone from her ward brings her family dinner nearly every day. They come in and clean her house. They take care of her 2 boys while her husband is at work. Her parents have paid for her numerous flights across the country to the Bay Area(where they live) so she can get cancer treatments at UCSF. Her mother had her and her 2 boys come live with her, took care of them all for nearly 6 months while she was having her first treatments. She's had so much support. Meanwhile, we've been left completely on our own. If my hubby's boss weren't so awesome, we'd have been screwed. She's allowed him to work from home pretty much full-time. He's on conference calls a lot though, which makes him unavailable for help. It just sucks that we have no support system. We have no family support. Any so-called friends I thought I had, have treated me like the plague since I got sick. Everyone is too self-absorbed to see that we need help. My kids teachers have been good at least. Xander's getting homework help at school instead of me having to spend 2 hours every day helping him. That's been a huge help. Thankfully my kids have all been well and their issues seem to be under control. I'm grateful for that.

Sorry to vent and whine. This whole situation just sucks, and the stress it's causing me, the worry, just makes things worse. Thanks for being there, even just as a caring ear/eye. I appreciate it.

TTFN,
Jenn

Foo, it's been so long since the gang were all together in chat.

I had no idea that you were having yet *another* health issue! I hope that your upcoming surgery will correct this problem.

I wish I were in your area. I'd be your helper in a heartbeat!

Skunkie! I've missed our chats! Yahell was pretty much abandoned I gues. Are there active chats elsewhere? I've missed the whole gang. I've certainly been dealt a tough hand in the health dept that's for sure. Damn Mormon inbred genetics! All my health probs are genetic. Both of my little sisters have suspicious issues that point to the same arthritis disease I have too. It kills me that they could get sick like I was. In my case, the treatment was worse than the disease. I went off the injectible arthritis med and have been doing better. It suppressed my immune system too much; I was always sick. I was just starting to get the arthritis under control when I started having the neurological problems.

People keep telling me that I now have proof that I am smart; my head is too small for my brain. I wish it worked like that. Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect. The chronic pain and exhaustion, coupled with the compression of my brain has turned me into a scatterbrained moron it seems. I have a terrible short-term memory now. I can't retain things I learn. Hopefully the surgery will help. It's not a cure, but it will make more room for my brain and hopefully restore cerebrospinal fluid flow. If flow isn't restored, this defect can cause paralysis and all sorts of neurological problems. I already have issues with my autonomic nervous system from it; fluctuating BP that leaves me nearly passing out when I stand up, thermoregulation problems, and gastroparesis(my stomach doesn't empty at the rate it's supposed to). Thankfully we finally found out what was causing all these problems.

Let me know if there's still any chats going on and when. I'd love to participate!

TTFN,
Jenn

Jenn I am real concerned for you. Of COURSE a house would pile up when someone was sick. Of course it'd be impossible, probably even dangerous to carry or move around while dizzy or with balance disorders you could fall and hurt yourself on tile or a hard surface, or falling across furniture. You need others to stop judging and step up to help when you ask directly for what you actually need.
I think some people don't actually like children or little ones very much but their religion demands they pretend they do! Grandmas that love babies & preschoolers would have to be pried off the front porch Jenn I know I would. Like you said about your own mom, she had lots of kids but didn't enjoy the company of children- says it all. So we have to figure out a way to enjoy the company of who is in our life. Right now- figuring out where the pathways ought to be, what needs to be in the routine, getting ready for surgery- that is what this weekend and week needs to be all about.

Two surgeries happened when I was no longer involved or communicating with the ward Relief Society. & with 23 surgeries in a 15 year stretch of our marriage, without leaving the home the marriage or loosing the kids, here are some tips. 10 or 13 of the surgeries back then were for me including difficulties leading up to each obviously as well as recovery. BAsed on what I know, Here is part of what I would do if I were you:
The surgery week, and after care is not a time of home care and clean up or cooking. So It is time to buy 2 or 3 canned hams, that can be cut up for serving. (its the cheapest way to get cold cuts I found). They can be
*cut into scrambled eggs for dinner,
*cut into pieces and microwaved with poured out canned corn for lunch or dinner,
*cut into pieces and eaten as finger food with crackers for snack lunch or dinner,
*cut into strips or cubes eaten cold alone
*cut into strips eaten cold with grapes or fruit

Get no cook/no making pour-out heat and eat food:
CHILI
*a case of chili microwave on its serving plate serve with *chili with fritos or fruit,
*chili with grated cheese chopped onions if you're feeling fancy,
*child over over hot dogs if you can do a 2-part meal
*chili over hamburger pattys on buns if you can do a 2-part meal

Get a case of fav beans /bean style. one of my kids loves ranch beans, another plain black beans. Get your fav bean identified in your mind- get a case of them.
* open heat and eat
*open heat and eat with grated cheese
*open heat and eat and crackers
*open heat and eat with a tortilla
*open heat and eat with a hot dog
*open heat and eat with cut cold ham

Stew:
*a case of canned stew from Winco

Soup:
*cans, like 20 cans of assorted soups. It's heat stir & serve time at your house.
*soup with crackers
*soup with cut up ham strips
*soup with half a fruit
*soup with grated cheese

Safe Snacks: a whole box from Smart and Finale for grab & go meals at your house. People kibble! Please place them where family members can reach them for self care!
*breakfast bars
*granola bars
*fruit bars
*peanut bars/snack bar

Whole Fruit in Season: a case of fruit until it's gone
eat it un cooked peel & go or grab it and chew it up. No cook nutrition. Please place them where all family members can reach them and bring it to you to peel. support Self Care!
*end of the nectarines/peaches
*case of apples
*later, case of oranges

Cases of cheap bottled water for when mommy can't come to the sink & little ones can't crawl or climb up & pour water for themselves-
or for adults & teenagers to grab & go RIGHT NOW. For water on the way.
Please place them where all family members can reach them and bring it to you to twist off the top, support self care.

Sandwhich fixings or a sandwhich station- with unrefrigerated peanut butter IN THE FRIG right NEXT TO jelly or jam AS WELL AS the bread. Grab it right there- all the pieces no more thinking to make them. Jam it right back again- its your sandwhich station.
Please place this on a lower shelf of your refrigerator on a little cookie sheet or plastic tray to visually make it easy to see. Put a little plastic knife or spreader IN the peanut butter jam it down, leave it. Then hungry family members are ALWAYS welcome day& night at the sandwhich station. Support self care!

Yogurt gets expensive especially when feeding a whole family but in situations like this: I like a case/flat of yogurt store brand the Smart and Finale flat style- place it across the entire lowest possible layer of the refrigerator shelving. Place a container of plastic spoons right on that refrigerator shelf. Renew & refresh the supply as it goes low. Then hungry family members are welcome to reach right in. Support self care!

When someone can heat water:
An entire box: of instant oatmeal packets, fast warm pleasant as the weather changes.

Frozen things:

Get a bag of frozen burritos: or a box or flat:
*microwave burritos, could cut in strips for little kids instead of giving them the whole thing

Get a bag of frozen tamales (chicken, or beef) very good very fast microwave survival food.

Not frozen giant entres you have to serve- I mean frozen things an individual can heat for a meal. That would cost more purchased away from home.

Now if you would make a list-
of the things or stations you need in a food routine.

Then specifically directed or handing the list- to another adult who they will follow the directions- facilitating and generating more self care.
and piles in the home will be stregically stacked crates boxes and cases- stacked along the line of cooking and needing and using- through which family members wend their way taking care of the needs each day.



About my mother in law, Its true. I have since forgiven the situation- surely I was useful in my husband's rebellion and individual statement to his mom that: "you won't tell me what to do anymore nyah so there!" AFTER ALL, it was Really between them. I was incidental. My mother in law would drive right by my house on a trip! LOL with little children in it. So you are not alone. She used her church as an excuse, then later when I left my church, she had no religious excuse- According to family lore- in her germanic family its is legendary that outsiders from other tribes that married in are always treated as such- up the generations. Aunts gathered around me, who had Made the family reunion, created all the children, yet were shunned from the ______ family picture. ITs a primative act. I think of them as a primitive family not far from the Hunns or the ravenging hord out of the north from which they were descended. You can see it when they attempt to dominate each other at the table, or among sibling groups. They're very predatory.
You think religion would help as a veneer. But not with them. Its good to have them on your side, otherwise, as you have found out, you've got to watch them. Ah, they act like animals.

Carnivores or something- just like predators. Rather than communicators, facilitators, nurturors, which we have been led to expect from family.
oh Man! was I religiously misled! so naive and idealistically believing others were raised to be Christlike in family when in reality that is not what I observed or participated in. Perhaps that is why the message hooked me initially! About family, many of them surround themselves and act nicely with others when they get something they like out of it or through it, religious excuse or no.

But I am not waiting for them to protect me I am taking care of me & my own family. I am listing, taking to store, getting someone else for stacking and carrying and pushing the cart behind me- & I am making a routine that works for me and my family. I am finding food I can heat and eat rapidly. I am making a way. Still. I am.

and doesn't bother those that we thought would come through for us.

Sometimes people are unable to handle illness in others. It causes them so much fear and uncomfortableness they basically just hide.

I had no idea things had gotten worse: eloher, or that the docs finally got to the root of the problem. You sound like you need to be on Mystery Diagnosis!:-)

My best wishes to you for a positive outcome.
Hang in there. Hopefully you'll find the help you need.

SuzieQ, I think you hit the nail on the head. My MIL is uncomfortable around sick people. But then, it would be a huge help if she'd just come by, pick up the little one, and take him with her on errands or to the park, etc. She wouldn't have to even be around me.

Many years ago, when we had moved back to CA and were staying with the in-laws, I got very sick: gallstones brought on by pregnancy. We lived in a barn on their property. Hubby had just started a new job so couldn't take time off. My MIL flat-out told me,"I'm not good at taking care of people." To me, a caretaker by nature, that was just so weird to hear. It was Summer, I had a 2 month old baby. My sisters were off school. One was in High School and one in Middle School. My mother worked full-time. I opted to go from the hospital after gallbladder removal to the Bay Area to stay at my mom's. My sisters were wonderful with my daughter and took good care of both of us. I stayed there two weeks and hubby came down on the weekends. I missed him, but I knew I was in better hands than my MIL. My 2 little teenage sisters were great, and they really enjoyed taking care of me and their niece.

My littlest sister is on worker's comp. She's got major issues with her hand and arm, but I think she'd still come up and help out some, at least after my surgery.

BTW, there was an episode of Mystery Diagnosis about Chiari Malformation in a teenage girl. Her story was heartbreaking!

Http://www.chiaritvspecial.com/

Painting,

TY for the hints and tips. I had a lumbar discectomy a little over 2 yrs ago. Our littlest was 9 months old. My MIL actually came through for us then. I think having a little baby was partly why she did. She came 3 days/week to care for the baby and did some housekeeping until he went down for his afternoon nap. We were ultra appreciative and thankful, so I don't think there's any possibility that she felt taken advantage of. I just don't "get" it. Oh well.

I'm so sorry to hear of your continuing problems. All I can offer is my best wishes to you and your family. As someone with a chronic disease I can truly sympathize but can only offer encouragement.

I hope your new procedures provide you with some much needed relief. Always know that you can at least find a friendly shoulder here to lean on.

Perhaps MIL feels she can't take this on anymore.

Not everyone wants to be saddled with kids again after they've raised their own. The same goes for housework.

But at least she was nice enough to help you out before.

into thin air.

Jenn, you're dealing with a health issue and that's more than enough for anyone. It's terrible that your family is too damaged by mormonism to step in and help when you need them.

I hope your husband will have a talk with his mother and let her know that you need help. She must have a heart and you're not asking her to do nursing care, just take time with the kids and maybe do a little laudry or whatever for a few weeks.

I hope your sister can also help you and that "paringthwin's" ideas help. I love the suggestions for stocking the pantry and refrigerator in advance. Sounds like someone has been there, done that.

It will be such a relief when your surgery is done and you're recovering nicely. Please do take care and know that you have our love and good wishes.

You will get through this!

I have a chronic painful illness, though it is not as debilitating. It will not kill me, but it will probably shorten my life. I had to continue to work and support my children, as well as feed and care for them.

Paintinginthewin has some great suggestions! I didn't have this board, or anyone to give me any helpful advice at all. My husband abandoned me and the children. I lived 800 miles from home and family, and could not afford to move closer to home. I was an active TBM at the time. I did get a few casseroles, and much-appreciated sympathy from four close friends, but never any nitty-gritty help with the kids or housework.

The ward members thought that if I could still work, that I could do everything else also. They used to get mad at me if I was too sick and exhausted to play the organ on Sunday. When I quit my calling, the Bishop threatened me, and told me I would get sicker and that my children would fail in life.

In my experience, you can't rely on help from the Mormons, anyway. As for family, I had been helping them support my retarded brother, so I had to withdraw my support there, which caused problems. They had never helped me.

My MIL called me long distance when my husband abandoned us, and said, "I hope you aren't expecting any help from us." My husband and his TBM family had money, but after the divorce, they disinherited our children, because they were not sealed to them in the temple. My children are the greatest, and did not deserve to be treated this way. Neither did I. I was a good, faithful, loving wife, but they blamed me for my husband's cheating.

--My primary solution was, if you can't get help, get MONEY. I did have luck, education, and a good career in my favor, so I'm no hero. I adapted my job so I could work mostly from home. There were days I would cry all day from the pain--but I could still work. I have long periods of remission, which I make the most of. (I have great pity for people with migraine headaches, or unrelenting diseases like Eloher's, that interfere with your thinking.) I was able to pay for a cleaning person twice a month, and a college girl to come over for 2 hours in the afternoons, do laundry, oversee the kids, and fix dinner.

--"SUPPORT SELF CARE" should be your mantra!!! Thank you for that, paintinginthewin!

--My children matured and became independent at an early age, yet they still had fun and enjoyed life, and weren't harmed by all that responsibility. They like to brag that they raised themselves, but they were well-supervised and well-loved by me. The boys had two paper routes, and the girls did babysitting, until they all got old enough to have steady jobs. They each developed a good work-ethic, put themselves through college, and are very successful now! We are a very close-knit family.

Eloher, I know things were much easier for me. I just wanted to tell you not to despair. Your surgery will cure a whole list of ailments. You are lucky to have a husband who loves you, and children to love and to think about, beyond your pain. They are a burden and a worry to you right now--but honestly your concern for them will give you strength and courage.

You can pray, too. The Mormons don't own God, you know.

They surely won't help you once they hear about your husband's desire to turn himself into a woman.

Best to go slow!

You have an awful lot on your plate already,struggling with physical problems while trying to raise 4 kids in a small house on 1 income.

Can your sister stay with you for a while? I sincerely hope things work out for you.

Ya, hubby is certainly taking things slow. He has no intention of doing anything until after my health is stabilized. For now, he's just looking for a counselor to go to, and possibly for us to see as a couple too. It's going to be a long, slow transition for him. We just don't have the funds for him to jump in and transition either; no matter how badly he'd like to. He's still presenting as a man in public and will for quite some time.

My sister is in the middle of a worker's comp mess. She's got lots of dr appts, and is really limited in what she can do. Her dominant hand and arm are basically worthless. She's also got a dog that doesn't get along with my alpha dog. She might be able to come up aftermy surgery, but not before then. We also don't have an extra room for her. She's kind of homeless right now, having been kicked out of the room she rented, and is floating around, staying with friends and relatives. She won't go live at our mom's because my younger brother lives there and is abusive to her. I wish we had an extra room for her to come live with us. It would be a good arrangement: if she had her own space. We've even offered to finish off our garage into a room for her, but she's really in limbo, not knowing what she wants to do; needs to go back to school, but has no clue what syecwants to do that she can do with her physical limitations. She's really flighty, changes her mind and plans at the drop of a hat, so she can't really be depended on.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/19/2010 12:22PM by eloher.