I was born & raised Mormon (in a family of 6 kids) & left the church when I was 23.

Growing up I've always had questions. My first question came when I was pretty little; probably 5 or 6. My dad was married before my Mom but his first wife passed away in a car accident, leaving him a widower with 2 boys, a 2yo & a 4 month old. He married my mom & I came along a couple years later. When I figured out that men can be sealed to more than 1 woman in the temple but women can only be sealed to 1 man, I felt super confused. I wondered what my mom would do if my dad were to die - would she have to choose? That didn't seem fair.

The next question came the first time I saw a gay couple. My little sister, who was probably 3 at the time, grabbed me at the state fair & said "EW EW LOOK!" I saw 2 women holding hands & I remember thinking, "Well that doesn't seem so wrong."

More questions came in Primary when I was told that I should be excited to grow up, get married & have a family. I wanted kids at the time (I feel like almost every little girl does) but I wanted a career. I wanted to be a famous journalist. When I raised my hand & proudly told my teacher that's what I wanted to do she giggled & said "It's important that you become a mother, not write stories."

The night before my 8th birthday/baptism I cried myself to sleep. I really didn't want to be baptized - at all. But of course I was too little to really know why. I woke up the next morning, put on a smile & got baptized anyway.

Growing up I was a victim of sexual abuse at the hands of my half-brother. I told my parents about it when I was probably 6 & they did some yelling at him & then dropped it. The sexual abuse happened again a couple months later & lasted until I was about 8. After that I think my brother began to feel bad - at this point he was 16 & starting to think about a mission. He served in Costa Rica, is now married in the temple with 2 kids & we are on good terms, but the "victim shaming" I have felt from that experience was not easy. He is "forgiven" & yet here I am, a person who has done nothing so horrible to anyone, & yet I am the sinner, "problem child" of my family.

In high school I started drinking, smoking weed & messing around with guys. I was always the rebellious kid in my family so when I got an underage drinking ticket at a party I don't think my family was surprised. My parents became very controlling. I was almost always grounded & was forced to go to church. If they found out I would skip Young Womens or Sunday School, I would be grounded. If I asked to attend a different church to see what it was like, they would say no & that I would be grounded if I did it. I was not happy.

When I was 18 I decided enough was enough & if I wanted to know if the church was true I had to REALLY dedicate myself to figuring it out. I quit drinking & smoking when I moved to go to Utah State University. I received a calling in a Singles Ward & had Mormon roommates. I began to read the BOM & meet with my Bishop weekly to discuss how my repentance was going. I started dating a Mormon guy & we wrote every week while he was on his 2 year mission.

The semester before my missionary came home I was taking the "Miracle of Forgiveness" Institute class. I had a lot of questions about Spencer W Kimball & found him to be kind of an asshole. As we read the chapters there were several passages that did not stick well with me - such as when he says newlyweds are sinning if they do not try to immediately start a family as well as his thoughts on interracial marriage (my boyfriend was from Ecuador). Oh & homosexuality of course. I suppressed those thoughts because I had just finished the BOM & was now in the process of getting a temple recommend.

In March 2010 my Bishop gave me a temple recommend. I cried because I was so happy - not because I was temple worthy, but because I knew if I ever left the church people couldn't tell me it was because I didn't "try hard enough" or "do everything I was supposed to." My missionary was due to come home in a week, & even though the process of getting my rec took way longer than I thought I felt like it was perfect timing, "meant to be," etc.

I headed to the Logan temple one afternoon after my classes to do baptisms. The whole time I was there I was so uncomfortable. I had no idea what was supposed to be spiritual about it. It was so alarming/awful for me that I left the temple, ripped up my recommend & threw it away when I got home.

I wrote my missionary to tell him what had happened & how I was feeling. He came home, we hung out once, & he never talked to me again. I was understanding because he is a very active LDS member but I was still heartbroken to have lost him as a friend.

After this I became depressed & started drinking again. I made some friends who weren't judgmental, who I had a lot of fun with, & who understood how I was feeling, but I was dreading when my family would find out so I still was very depressed. I became very close with a guyfriend & we would often have "sleepovers" where we would stay up late talking about the church, our feelings, etc. over a couple of beers.

2 years after we became very close friends he had a party at his house & I got pretty tipsy. I decided to play it safe & not drive home & he said I could sleep in his bed & he would sleep on the couch. I woke up at 2 in the morning to him raping me - I just sat there & let it happen because I was in shock. After he was finished & had fallen asleep next to me, I got out of bed, found my pants & ran home. I turned him in to the police & he ended up serving 6 months in jail.

That whole ordeal was so traumatic that I told my family & had to move home. My dad made me go to the Bishop where I was told that God had punished me for drinking. "You should have known that alcohol would have that effect on him/you shouldn't have stayed over no matter what he said/this happened because you are questioning the church but I will help you find your way." My Bishop then told my Dad everything I had said about my past with smoking weed, messing around, etc etc.

I got a job at Starbucks & requested to work every Sunday morning so I wouldn't have to go to church. There I met a guy who had stopped going when he was 14. We began dating, fell in love & decided to move in together. When I told my parents they said he wasn't allowed at the house & they refused to tell my 2 youngest sisters (14&12 at the time) who I was living with.

When I moved in with my bf my dad transferred my records to the area so I had missionaries knocking & the Bishop calling. At this point I decided enough was enough. I didn't believe a word of the church & I had so many issues with its teachings & the way the church operates. I found this website when I googled how to remove my records. After I sent in the resignation letter I had several more visits from the bishop & missionaries but I told them my mind had been made. As of October 2012 I am a free woman! :)

My family has come around quite a bit since the whole ordeal. They found out I removed my records & were pretty upset. My Mom still struggles a lot with my decision but they love my bf & see how well he treats me so they know I'll be ok. Every time I hang out with my family they like to sit around & discuss my lifestyle as if it's just a problem or phase I'm going through. They don't like my stance on gay marriage & they don't like that I'm not married to my boyfriend. I always point out that if marriage is a "religious institution" my bf & I have no right to get married since we aren't religious. I have yet to hear them argue why we need to get married so badly & yet gay people still shouldn't be able to.

It's definitely not an easy road but it gets easier! I have never been happier with my decision. It comes with some hardships, family fights, disagreements, etc. but living for me instead of for others has proven to be the decision I value more than anything in my life. Freedom feels damn good.