During the summer of 2008 I made my departure from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but in a way it was long overdue. Countless doubts and concerns about doctrinal issues had plagued me for at least two decades. However being a 5th generation Mormon, I kept repeating “I know the church is true” even though I truly didn’t know; I wanted it to be true since I had given 50 years of service.

Like so many other disillusioned members I struggled with Mormon doctrines that felt contrary to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The “one and only true church on earth” didn’t seem like the thing a loving God would provide for His children. The chosen few, the elect, seemed impossible; which child of mine would I choose over another? Then there’s the whole spilling of innocent blood to save our condemned souls that never felt like a great plan from an omnipotent God. And finally there was the rejection of blacks that bothered and embarrassed me greatly. But I still deferred to the “brethren” because who was I but a mere “member” of God’s only true church.

In the fall of 2004 my oldest child and only son came out to my wife and me as gay. It was three years after he returned home from his mission to Japan – the same country I had served in 30 years earlier. He told us he had known he was gay since age 5. He had lived a life full of fear and angst because he didn’t want anyone, especially his parents, to find out. His greatest concern was that he was destroying our chance at being an “eternal family.”

He told me years later that he had learned how to act like a boy. Despite the constant fear of being outed, he excelled in everything. He won the Sterling Scholar and was Student Body President of his high school, lettered in tennis as a freshman, and on his mission he spent nearly a year as the Assistant to the President. By all accounts, this young man was every mother’s dream son-in-law. And the funny thing is all he truly wanted in life was to be healed of the curse of same-sex attraction and find a mate to create a celestial family. He actually believed that Jesus would save him if he served tirelessly for two years in Japan. Talk about effective brainwashing.

At first I wasn’t surprised that he was gay. I kind of suspected it watching him grow up. I also knew he had very dark demons that would at times squash him with despair. How could someone so gifted and so friendly find himself in such a dark place from time to time? It became clear when I realized the battle he had been fighting his entire life.

After he came out I told him that we were in this together; we’d figure it out. But our bishop could give us no help, and the books and talks by the Apostles didn’t sustain us either. Perhaps the reason they didn’t help was because of a preconceived idea I had about homosexuals. You see, my favorite uncle was gay, as was a cousin, and my best friend in junior high school. Being gay was just different and not necessarily bad. I didn’t feel the same way toward gays like I was finding from leaders of my church.

I was made a High Priest at age 27, and I have been the gospel doctrine, high priest group, and the family relations teacher in nearly every ward I attended. I inherited my father’s flare for teaching and entertaining. I loved the gospel and I loved sharing ideas and trying to get people to change and become more Christ-like. More love was always my answer to everything bad in the world.

In the spring of 2008 I was teaching the high priest group and the family relations class in my ward in St. George. And although I still had questions and concerns about some of the doctrines of the church, because I was an über Mormon I let them slide. However, one week when I was assigned to teach parents how to train our children to refrain from evil behaviors, I was honestly shocked by what I read in the official church lesson manual. My church classified homosexuality with incest and rape. I couldn’t believe what I was reading as I prepared my lesson for the next day.

This new-found understanding affected me so greatly that I began to exhibit emotional sickness in physical form. I was devastated to think that people who didn’t even know my amazing son were categorizing him the same as a deviant criminal. He had done nothing wrong. In fact he was more “Christ-like” than most people I knew in the church. He was THE example of Jesus in his everyday life. How could they feel this way about him?

Within a month I had to go see a therapist because I felt I was going crazy. I feel like my new therapist actually saved me because she gave permission to “not always accept” everything the church taught me was the absolute truth. She said the beliefs the church taught about homosexuals could be wrong. This was the first time I entertained the possibility that maybe my discomfort with other doctrines might also have merit. Maybe, I thought, there is still much to be revealed to the prophet. Just maybe there was a “new” revelation coming about gays. Well, if there was going to be one, I was going to be the first to jump on that band wagon.

Thankfully my therapist also gave me a book to read, NO MORE GOODBYES by Carolynn Pearson. In a matter of days I read it and was astounded at the degree of pain my church had caused so many members. I was angry, so I began to do some research and found out things like Utah leads the nation in suicides of young men (mostly gays), or that there were thousands of homeless youth who had been kicked out by their parents because they were gay. I couldn’t believe this was happening in my state, especially in my church.

A week later the announcement from church headquarters was made that Mormons in California needed our help in overturning the recent ruling making same-sex marriage legal. The timing of Prop 8 couldn’t have been better for me. Talk about an impetus to leave; now my own flesh and blood was being attacked by my church, and worse yet they were asking me to throw stones as well. I tried to speak to my bishop, but he would have none of it. I felt I needed to do something, so in July 2008 I wrote a letter to the Salt Lake Tribune, the Deseret News and my local paper, The Spectrum.

The Sunday before the letter was published, I had to give a high priest lesson titled Obedience: Following the Prophet. I really struggled that week, but I decided it was time to take a stand – a stand against oppressing a minority group of people who had already been so marginalized and persecuted by nearly all societies throughout history. Now my church was joining in the bullying, and doing it all in the so-called name of God. It sickened me. I prepared a lesson to show that the church CAN change negative and hurtful beliefs, just like we did with blacks and the priesthood.

My lesson that Sunday in July was all about the awful things we did to people of color throughout the history of the church. I even shared some of the vilest and most bigoted things ever said from a talk given by Elder Mark E. Peterson to the Church Education System teachers at BYU in the mid 50s. I explained that what was once believed as gospel truth had changed in the twinkling of an eye. Everyone in the meeting agreed with me; it was despicable how blacks were treated… but it was God’s will, so… no need to feel guilty about it now.

Nearing the close of my lesson I noticed the first counselor of the stake presidency had joined us on the back row. In closing I shared with the group that I had a gay son, and that I was not going to be able to follow the prophet; I told them I refuse to fight to take away rights granted to a minority group. I even told them about the letter I sent to the Salt Lake newspapers, and that I wasn’t sure if I’d be their teacher next week. About half the men came up to me afterwards and said things like, “Oh don’t worry about it” or “I know lots of gay people.” However, I did notice the first counselor made a rather abrupt departure.

Naturally I got a call from the executive secretary that evening; the bishop needed to visit with me ASAP. I went in and he explained that he had been told to release me from all my church callings, and that I needed to go see the stake president. I assured him that I was still a believer, but I just didn’t feel right about what the church was doing to innocent people. He assured me that Satan can be very crafty.

I met the stake president after the letter was published. He was holding a copy when I entered his office. When I shared my story about my amazing son and my growing up around gays, I sensed his concern for me, but nothing I said elicited even an inkling of empathy. We talked a bit more, and then he said something that I will never forget. “You need to decide if you are going to follow the prophet or your son.” I didn’t respond immediately, but I thought to myself, what would a good Mormon dad do? The answer was easy because I had been taught my whole life that there is nothing more important than “family.”

That hot August evening in St. George I walked out of his office and never set foot in an LDS Church again. Over the next few months I had the usual visits from the high priest group leaders, the home teachers, and even a member of the bishopric. I was cordial but I wouldn’t budge. I felt the action the church was taking was mean-spirited and went against everything I believed in. This was by no means “showing forth more love.”

All three newspapers published my letter, but in some cases they edited it to shorten it. Nevertheless, it was quite the topic of discussion on the comment boards in Utah for a few days. Interestingly I was contact by other Mormons from around the world thanking me for speaking out. For anyone who wants to read it, I have included it below.

Once the damage had been done ALL the foundations for my beliefs of 50 years began to crumble. I went through stages of anger, grief, and embarrassment for being duped by lies of conniving men. Some people say “you can leave the church, but you can’t leave it alone.” I can leave it alone, because I believe it still serves a purpose for people who need it. The church certainly offers a degree of safety for those willing to give up their personal sovereignty. Not everyone is ready to move on.

You can imagine how happy I was to find out in time to still have a life – 50 is the new 40 right? (By the way, I love the sexy underwear my wife now dons for me, and the 10% raise was a real nice bonus.) But little did I know that my actions would have such a profound effect on my son. His greatest challenge being gay was giving up the church. It literally almost killed him. He could live with being a pariah in eyes of members, or believing that he might actually go to hell. What hurt him most was giving up on his only belief system. Me? Not so much. Here’s why.

When I left the church I had a place to go. Not to some other church or religion, or even a new belief system. I had my son to go to. I went to him because I believed he needed me. He needed me more than I needed my church. Subsequently, I realized my church no longer needed me either. Yes, leaving the church was not difficult because I had a better purpose. My family – my Forever Family! Thank God I found out before it was too late.

Today I am happy to report that my entire family has left the church and we are living lives full of love and acceptance. We are much better “Christians” than we ever were as Mormons, and we don’t really believe in Jesus as our savior. He was probably a great man who might have lived about 2,000 years ago. Whether real or not doesn't really matter. If Jesus did live on earth, then it seems to me that he was just a man who had figured out the purpose of life, and his only instructions to us were, “Follow me and do as I do. Love one another.”

Our New Family Motto is: More Love is Always the Answer… ALWAYS!

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The Spectrum Newspaper - Guest Editorial (edited versions were printed in The Salt Lake Tribune and Deseret News) - July 2008

Same-sex Marriage is about Human Rights

I feel there are misunderstandings regarding those of us who are active members of the LDS church who also support same-sex marriages. Even though I can’t understand the lifestyle of homosexuals, I do support their rights as human beings. God created them, just as he did everyone else, but He endowed them with different feelings when it comes to attraction and intimacy.

All humans, regardless of race, religion or sexual orientation deserve the same protection and rights under the law. Just as married heterosexual couples are protected when it comes to issues of joint ownership, benefits from the government or the workplace, or the authority to make life and death decisions for a partner, it is very discriminatory to say that a person is judged to be unworthy of these same rights simply because of “who” they are. Yes, gays and lesbians are different from probably 90% of us, but being different should never be the core issue when determining if a person is worthy of being treated as an equal child of God.

I have friends and family members who are gay. Those who are in committed relationships (some monogamous for over 25 years) really just want to be able to pledge their love and loyalty to their partner and have their union recognized by the state. There is no subversive plot to somehow take away from the value of marriages that are performed as religious ceremonies. They just want to be treated fairly.

I have been told by some that it isn’t about “who” they are but what they “do”. At which point I ask, “Are all heterosexuals who get married living the kind of life that is representative of the divine nature of marriage, as ordained by God?” It seems clear to me that using the logic of “not who, but what they do” does not support the intent of the church’s stand on this issue. All throughout America we recognize the marriages of adulterers, drug addicts, rapists, serial killers (some women are actually attracted to these men), sex-crazed teenagers, illegal aliens, drunken strangers in Las Vegas, or even 60-year-old polygamous men who marry young women who are at least 17 years old (the legal age in Texas) as long as they are not of the same sex! The same-sex marriage issue isn’t about behaviors, but rather about being homosexual. Otherwise the church should support legislation that would prohibit marriage between any two people who are deemed unworthy.

Jesus taught us that we are to love one another, to bare one another’s burdens, to visit the sick, the poor and the fatherless. Never has He given us charge to reject anyone. I can think of no other group of people in history who have been terrorized more, rejected more, or hated more than homosexuals. Anyone who believes the difficult challenge of being gay was chosen by that person, especially the boys and girls who grew up in our church, has never taken time to actually talk to a gay person and truly listened to his or her life story. It is heartrending beyond comprehension.

When we tell people they are unworthy of the same human rights and protections we enjoy simply because they live and act differently than we do, I have to wonder if Jesus is actually pleased with the way we are handling this issue.



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 02/12/2014 12:15AM by sid143.