"Gazelam," is a name Joseph Smith called himself. I found it while reading "History of the Church, vol. 2."

The younger generation leaving the religion of their parents is a very old tale. I realize this now as a 40 year old man.

I remember hearing someone at church say, "this is the only true church on the face of the earth." I asked my Mom, "is that true, are we the only true church?" My Mom said, "Yes, we are the only true church."

I grew up in Morgan, Utah; North of Park City. I worked on dairy farms, mink farms, potato fields. I was on the wrestling team in high school, but preferred skiing and goofing off with friends more than studying. The 1980's were a fun time! Heavy-Metal, New-Wave, summers at the lake. Church was simply a source of guilt. I was mostly apathetic towards the church. Part of me however, did believe. Why wouldn't I?

I remember feeling a little embarrassed about the church. People would ask, "Are you Mormon?" I don't know why I should feel embarrassed about this when most people in my community were LDS.

In high school, I went through more of a rebelious stage. I drank, smoked, tried Marajuana, and just wanted to have fun. After awhile I remember really feeling like I was becoming my own individual self. I wasn't into drugs and honestly not heavy into drinking either. But, I was becoming more confident and individualistic. But, the family wasn't happy, and I didn't have much direction. The church later provided that.

I started to crave the acceptance of my family. I abruptly changed my tune after high school and decided to go on a mission. After attending my cousins wedding. I watched him all day and his beautiful new wife. Pictures around the temple, happy people, family, etc.. They seemed so happy. I decided then and there it was the church that provided those blessings. I decided to serve a mission.

The acceptance of everyone was almost over whelming. I had every social circle supporting me. Even my close friends I partied with were accepting and supportive. A lot of guys cleaned up their act at the last moment and went on missions. This is common in Utah. At least in the late 80's to early 90's.

I had a great mission in the Carribean. I don't know if I would have lasted in a boring state side mission. I learned Spanish and had much success. My patriarchl blessings said, "You will be involved in the leadership of the church, the "higher leadership" of the church." Yes, it states it just like that. Pause, "the higher leadership." I was all geared up to become a GA, or something. I was hardworking missionary and very spiritual.

Okay, fast forward to coming home, spending years working, going to school, dating, palying in a band, serving in church callings and having a good time. The years passed, 22,23,25, 26, 27, 28, 31, 35, 37, 38.... I started to struggle, my prayer of finding my wife and having a family wasn't happening. I prayed and prayed. I wasn't a model memeber of the church. I would slip up. I always had an incredibly strong drive to be physical with the girls I dated. They were pretty willing too. Things would go a little to far, and I would find myself in the Bishops office. I would repent, go back to the temple, and then mess up again. This cycle always repeated itself.

I think when I got into my early 30's is when the church started to lose some of its relevance. And, even more so when I got into my mid 30's. Things didn't happen within a relevant time frame for me. Church started to feel wrong in a way. Like it didn't work for me. I wasn't growing as an adult. I was so relieved when church meetings were over. I got out quickly and felt freedom driving home. This slowly turned into going to Sacrament meeting only, and then only 15 to 20 minutes of Sacrament. I moved around a lot after college. I lived with different roommates, and lived in different wards around the valley. I hated it when I would meet a new bishop and he would talk to me with that "I have authority over you" tone and look on his face.

Anyway, fast forward to 2012. This became my "Rabbit Hole" year. Church was slipping away, but I still had that nagging guilt with me. But, I kept at it, kept on going through the motions.

THEN FINALLY...

A former roommate moved back in with me, he was a Libertarian guy, who,I knew had issues with the church. And, at last, I ALLOWED MYSELF TO ASK. To my surprise, he was reluctant to discuss anything. I had to dig it out of him. He finally started to talk. I was puzzled by some of the things he was telling me. But, I swear, it seemed so realistic and hard hitting. It was different from the church ambiguous truth claims and stories you're just supposed to believe and have faith in. My testimony was hanging by a thread at this point. I think the Book of Mormon was it, and a vague belief in the JS story.

So, I started my research. And, Wow!!! Everything was referenced, everything. It seems like there was so much more information to this side of the story. More integrity, more realistic, more life-like. It was undeniable. The information I studied was the real deal. No wonder the church white-washed it's history. It wouldn't be around today if it hadn't. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

I felt like... I KNEW IT! I knew it wasn't all it was cracked up to be... I KNEW IT!

All those little thoughts of, "I just don't know that this is everything it clamis to be," came rushing back to me. The innocent question to my Mom, "Is this really the only true church?" came back to my thoughts. I knew this was not looking good for the church.

But, it wasn't until I was sent on a business trip to Costa Rica for a month (May of 2012) that things really changed. I was sitting in my hotel room one night, on my iPad, researching the Free Masons. I was watching videos, reading documents, articles, looking at drawings. All of this information was entirely independent from anything to do with Mormonism. I came to a few pages depicting all Masonic tokens, signs, handshakes and convenants.

I got up off the bed, took off my garments, walked out onto the balcony and looked over the city of San Jose. I knew my life would never be the same. I knew it (Mormonism) was over. This was one of the most defining moments of my life. I was no longer a Mormon. I felt the change come over me standing on that balcony. It was surreal.

I felt like I was back in the Dominican Republic on my mission again. But, I was in Costa Rica this time. And, my life was completely changed. I felt excitement at all the possibilities, the independence, the freedom. I also felt some crazy feelings realizing the entire context my life had been built on, was gone!

I have since gotten married, and moved on with my life. However, my wife is a believing member of the church. Even though she drinks coffee, and a little alcohol. She has always had the expectation of going to church as a family and doing the whole Mormon fairytale. Of course, this is a challenge in our marriage. We are great friends. We have a good thing going, we love each other. But, the old Mormonism runs deep.

I realize so many things now. The only good I can say about the church is geneology work, journal keeping and food storage. But, you can absolutely do this without the church. I see how damaging the church can be to families, how much time it steels, how much money it steels, how deceiving and white-washing it is.

I really worry about children in the church. Little pristine minds, ready to learn about the world. It scares me, because I know whats in store for them, and how it will slow their mental development, and their individuality.

It is certainly challenging with family and friends and with my wife. But, I have hope. I hope for something wonderful after this life. I hope for many things. It's so refreshing to accept people for who they are, to not worry about the world so much. I have a greater appreciation for animal life, and all species. I'm amazed at the accomplishments of mankind. This life is more precious to me now. I feel like a child again, in many ways.

I think religion (all religion) has been one of the worst impediments to the progress of humanity. Development has been greatly hindered by old dogmatic control methods of religious institutions that teach us to not think for ourselves, and to believe this world will go up in a rapture and be consumed by fire. If someone truly believes that, then it makes sense that they wouldn't care about people who believe differently. I appreciate elderly people so much more now. The most successful people are those who survive the longest. The ultimate success is survival. Long life, health and happiness.

Anyway, this has been my story and it continues. I have learned some things from the church. I have appreicated inspiration, tradition and culture that religion has provided. But, it doesn't exuse the lies and deceit of religion.

I hope religion is exposed for what it truly is... I think humanity would grow by leaps and bounds if people could see it, and move forward, with forward thinking.


"And the day will come, when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as His Father, in the womb of a virgin, will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva, in the brain of Jupiter."

-Thomas Jefferson


"All religions die of one disease, that of being found out."

- F.N. Morley