Evolution of an exmormon…

To put it simply, here is a chronological listing of various biographical postings that I have written over the years describing one of the most Faustian and ridiculous journeys out of the LDS church that I think that any human has endured. I also at this point need to clarify that my feelings towards the institution of freemasonry have changed considerably since I wrote these diatribes. I now consider masonry to be one of the few man made institutions that has can foster an environment that is conductive to open and honest communication between those of different religious, ethnic and social class backgrounds; and as I have had so little of this, or my words have been horribly twisted, in recent years, I now have newfound tremendous appreciation for the mechanisms of the lodge…

Written in 2003, this describes my youth…


O.k. first before I get into this, I would like to strongly state that I am both extremely glad and very fortunate that I was not allowed to continue up in the Mormon priesthood due to my confessional honesty, as I did not have to go through the fucked up magic Masonic temple, or serve a mission. (Well I’ll admit the mission thing hurts a little bit, not because of any loyalty to the church but because of all of the Mormon women that treat you like crap if you haven’t gone on a mission.) However, when I hear all of you describe your lenient bishop stories, I am having both a very angry and very happy emotional response. This is inspired when I think of all of you as young people mournfully admitting that you have committed the grievous sin described in the “Strengthening the Youth” and “For Young Men Only” pamphlets and your hip bishops telling you that its going to be fine and that, well, everyone does it from time to time. This couldn’t have been further from my gutwrenching experiences during my youth, and again this is both a bad thing and a good thing.

In describing my experiences let me start off by stating that I was BIC, and despite some of my wild behavior as a youth, I was a complete and total believer in the verifiable fraud that is Mormonism until I was 22 years of age. As a child I was very active (hyper) and I also grew and matured very rapidly. By the age of 11, (I physically looked like I was a 16 year old at the time) just like everyone else, I had begun to… well you know. It didn’t really don on me that what I was doing was considered a sin until a few years later when I started to read the typical L.D.S. youth pamphlets that everyone got to keep us on the straight and narrow. I, being a total believer, was devastated and as I thought I was unable to obtain the blessings of heaven and unworthy before God etc, my self-esteem plummeted like a thrown watermelon off a metro skyscraper. As my esteem fell so did my grades, and all interest in extracurricular things faded away while I was filled with my brainwashed Piscean religious gullibility. My parents, though very kind were distant and extraordinarily naive, and I never got any of the various sex talks and frankly, I was afraid to ask, so they were no help in clueing my in to the normalcy of the act. I was so worried and so fucking stupid that I actually confessed to the bishop, not during a PPI interview but when I asked to speak with him privately during an activity. Now the first bishop I had just listened as I confessed and he then told me to try and do better and to read the scriptures yadda-yadda. He was stern but didn’t act like it was a big deal but didn’t offer any handy life pointers like these progressive bishops that I have been reading about, and I continued to believe Boyd K. Packers line on the subject. Now that I think back on it I think he was a bit amused that I was so concerned but at least he treated me with respect. I was allowed to pass the sacrament and I did all of the youth Mormon activities but I still internally felt like crap. My feelings of guilt also translated into paralyzing inadequacy around the ladies (that I still have to this day) and this combined with doing poorly in school caused me to begin to act like a total fuck up and not care about anything like getting a proper education. I later began to do drugs and this is something that I struggle with to this day. (MDMA later on in life helped me with some of my baggage though ) Now despite this I was determined to graduate from high school and somehow I did in 97 miraculously on time. Though I felt I was a sinner unworthy of heaven due to masturbation, I still had a very strong testimonkey, (So strong in fact, that I while under the influence of 6 hits of LSD I testified that I believed that Joseph Smith was a prophet even though at the time I couldn’t even remember my own name and I was running around half naked and delirious.) and I began to straighten out my life and prepare for a mission and follow in the footsteps of 2 of my older brothers that I greatly admired at the time. In regards to masturbation, I of course was still doing it (teenage male) but as my friends were primarily non-Mormon and I was a ”troublemaker” I just acted like it was no big deal when the topic invariably came up and I never shared my crippling religious guilt with anyone. As I approached 19 I stopped doing drugs, became straightedge, cut back on the cussin, continued to pay a full tithe, and began to read my scriptures as a good latter-day-saint should.

During this time a new bishop was called, and well, I don’t have many kind things to say about him, as I has not the only one he was harsh to in my old ward. When I turned 19 I was called in for the personal priesthood interview where young men are sold on going on missions. I, as per Boyd’s instructions felt like absolute filth as I walked in to the office because, despite turning my life around in many other areas I still couldn’t stop spanking the monkey. (Wow, what a fucking sinner) I told bishop B****m that despite the fact that I skipped the seminary class that I had first period frequently to sleep in I still had a testimony and that I wanted to serve a mission. I confessed to doing drugs, stated that I paid a full tithe, and was asked If I had any other problems I needed to confess. (Or whatever the hell the question they ask is.) All of my life to that point I was taught that these bishops were of God and that I wanted to be in his good graces that I needed to confess shit to these men, I had never doubted or questioned this principle as my brainwashing was total. So as a tear dripped down my cheek I watched bishop jackass angrily put the missionary application away as I admitted that I, *** R*******, the most horrible sinner in the entire fucking galaxy masturbate. Yes all of you read that right masturbation, not murder, not rape, no not even arson but FUCKING GODDAMN MASTURBATION. I’ll never forget the look of disgust that was on the bishop’s face, and there wasn’t even a hint of compassion in his voice when he told me I was not eligible for missionary service and the Melchizedek priesthood. Hell, I was even a god damn virgin at the time. Sadly at that point in my life, I had totally reverted to the default Mormon programming that states that your life will progress as follows, go on a mission, get married, etc. and I walked out of that poorly decorated, purple carpeted Mormon office feeling that I was the lowest, most vile piece of vomitous filth on the face of the earth. This is the point in my life that my path diverges from most of yours, as many of the people reading this including TBMeavsedropper had bishops say with a wink and a smile to not tell your steak president about this and not to worry about missionary eligibility.

Again this was both a devastating at the time and a good thing now. I, despite all of this still did not question the church (boy that bastard Joseph Smith committed sexual acts way worse than mine, he had what, 33 wives hmmm… that Helen Kimball must have been a teenage knockout) and resolved to become worthy of missionary service. I got a job tutoring but I still put off college waiting for another PPI interview. Somehow, by act of divine fucking miracle at 19.5 years of age and my hyper energetic personality notwithstanding, I managed to quit monkeyspanking for a whole month and a half. This may seem a bizarre thing to state or be proud of but now that I’m a little wiser I guaranfuckingtee all of you that this was longer than 90% of the missionaries out serving. But what the hell was going on, this was 1998 not the nineteen-fifties? Why was I crucified when others were forgiven? I somehow found myself masturbating again (I was 19 years old, what the hell do you think was on my mind) and when I turned 20 I got the same angry act from bishop R** Fuckface and sonofabitch wouldn’t even let me get a patriarchal blessing to figure out what to do with my life. The only consolation he gave me was to have me fast and pray or something, and frankly going without food is of little comfort to someone who felt like absolute shit like I did. I remember soon after that a tear filled moment when I confessed to my brother why I didn’t go on a mission, and I just remember him sitting there in the car silent. I pretty much knew then by the look on his face that his generation and all of my peers growing up did/do it to (unless of course they were fortunate enough to get the real thing). Soon after that I fortunately began to smarten up to Joseph’s myth. I’ll never forget the night in Dec, 2000 when, after having my testimony severely strained by reading the temple ceremony on the internet and learning of Temple Monmonism’s ties to Freemasonry, (I’m a history major and masonry is in my opinion one of humanities creepiest groups) I learned of the Book of Abraham translation dilemma/fraud on the UTLM site, and my testimony was at that moment irrevocably shattered. I was laying on the poorly carpeted floor in a delirious state of mind more disassociating than any drug, half laughing/half weeping. It hit me all at once, a force stronger than any hurricane, the twisted irony of a cult founded by a bunch of polygamist perverts condemning me for openly admitting that I participated in the heinous, world obliterating, plague inducing, radiation emitting, sin of MASTURBATION.

Alright, so that’s my story, now the question I wish to pose to all of you wise men at exmonmon.org is twofold.
1. Was my experience with the hardass bishop and my not going on a mission, to my benefit or detriment? - Again, I look at this as a mixed blessing, and additionally a brutal but supremely effective learning experience. (Never put your trust and faith in God in the hand of others, no middlemen are needed to commune with the divine, especially those middlemen who have Masonic secret handshakes and run their cult like a corrupt wall street corporation, you know, never disclose those finances.) Now as much as a part of me wants to smash bishop B****m head in with a pickaxe and throw his corpse into a cardboard baler, the son of a bitch did save me from going through the temple, and any children that I may potentially have in the future will be totally free of the satanic Mormon meme. On the other hand, and speaking of sex, I am totally reviled by all Mormon women and I am still a dysfunctional mess when it comes to women and dating in general. Also, many of you went to many unique places and gained valuable life experiences while in the mission field, and I will never experience some of these things or places. And…
2. Is the act of lying to ones bishop (something I had to much naive integrity to do) and/or Mormon leaders dismissing confessed shit despite the brethren’s counsel (you know those infallible old men we were all supposed to obey) a essential part of climbing the Mormon priesthood ladder, and the adult Mormon experience? - I have observed while lurking on this board over the years and from stories from associates, that those of your that were well liked/butt kissers, had royal Mormon blood, or had a wealthy family could confess all kinds of sexual crap and get a slap on the hand, while a blue-collar kid like I was often gets eviscerated by the church and its confessional system. I pose this question in the context of the churches history where lying and concealment about various sexual issues have been par for the course. (Quick! We had better burn William Law’s printing press before he blows this whole polygamy thing wide open. And don’t forget kids, B-Hinkley said that polygamy was never doctrinal) Is the whole fucking Mormon system designed to make foolish tithe payers at the base of the pyramid confess stupid things and feel horrible guilt about themselves, while those who are adepts at how the Mormon game is played learn how to, and when to lie. The church recently issued a proclamation stating that they are going to raise the bar on sins that would prevent missionary service. With our oversexed society I highly doubt that hardly any of the youth coming up are anywhere close to the standards that bishop B****m applied to me, let alone be virgins at all. More of a few kids going on missions today are undoubtedly fibbing their asses off to go in order to fulfill various sociological pressures to go (hell it was like this when I was a kid) Is the whole system designed to PROMOTE LYING, or at least serious cognitive dissonance, in the youth as a sort of acid test to elevate those who are capable liars in the hierarchical pyramid. I know that my own honesty probably cost me a chance to get with a many a nice Mormon girl and spread my seed among Zion’s elect. We all know all of the fibbing and obfuscation’s that the missionaries do in the field. (like the one on this board a few days back where they avoided the John the Revelator/restoration question) Is this distillation of fibbing skills a integral part of the churches missionary program (in addition to converting the missionary of course) and something the church values in its membership. If this is so then WHY IS THIS????
Anyways I’m fucking tired, and that’s all I can write for now. I appreciate all of you core posters, as I have been lurking here for years and I even post occasionally when I am drunk or something. May all of you find happiness and fulfillment as you journey through life. 

Sincerely, *** “NewJackVictory” ********, 13th ward Sandy West Stake. P.S. All of you working for the Strengthening the Membership and Correlation Committees at the phallus tower, be sure to put this in my file, and may all of your children and grandchildren be compulsive liars and sexual monsters like the founders and hierarchy of your evil meme.

Written in 2005, describing my struggles to better myself, my father’s demise and a chance (?) encounter with a prominent and sinister figure in the church…

Yeah, I am not making this up! I literally saw what I am 98% sure was the second in command of the TSCC and yes the cause of so much mental anguish to so many of us here in the exmo community. He was in line at the Murray/Fashion place Comp USA store yesterday. (I can't say it was he with 100% certainty because he looked about 70-80 years old and as BOYD has much seniority in the Mormon machine I wondering if he would be older. Does he have any younger brothers or perhaps an eldest son that is a spitten image of Brother Pakkker?) It all happened like this. I had woken up yesterday morning planning on going to the gym and putting in 8 hours work towards saving up money for another run at completing my education. I realized that I was out of CD-R's and blank DVD's so I went to Comp USA to get some more as I didn’t have time to look through the Sunday ads for good deals. (Ironically, one of the downloaded movies I was putting on to a DVD was Eyes Wide Shut, a film with very heavy secret society overtones, you know kind of like Mormonism.) I arrived at the store, grabbed my goods and got into the que behind some yuppies watching the ever-present fox news on the flat screen TV (Some war propaganda was on, I'm sure.)
As the lines were long a cashier opened a new que and I was lucky enough to be the first for the new line. I stepped up to the counter and the cashier began to ring up my purchases. While he was doing this I happened to glance around the store, and as I looked to my right I gazed upon a visage that would fill me with total shock and surprise. Now, if people doubt that it was the man himself based on what I have described I'm telling you it was truly him: he had those same seminary teacher glasses, gaunt joyless face/facial features and beady calculating eyes that we have all been exposed to a hundred times during conference broadcasts. (I later went on to the lampoon and checked photos of Boyd's face and I swear it was him. Also, as I understand it, he lives up by the golf club in Sandy and it is only a short drive from Creek Road and Fort Union to the mall.)
Now, he wasn’t dressed in the GA suit we have come to expect of one of the laaard's anointed, in actuality he was dressed exactly like all of the other typical yuppie corporate shoppers that can still afford to buy PC equipment in this depressed economy at Comp USA He wore a modest 2002 Olympic jacket, a yuppie casual shirt, and higher quality jeans and some casual dress shoes. (You know those black ones all of you well to do 40-60 year old guys wear) Also he was not alone, Packer was accompanied by a large man (6"3) though older, past middle age, who may have been perhaps a minion or confidant from the church security dept. He also looked like he was trying to avoid eye contact with the other customers, undoubtedly to avoid both the fawning TBM sycophant eager to grovel before an anointed one and perhaps a smartened up exmo like myself. Before I express the meat of the thoughts that ran through my head during all of this I want to strongly state that he in no way gave off an aura that in any way radiated divinity or spirituality. In fact this short aging businessman gave off no more of an aura than the cashier, the guy at the help desk, or the clowns watching fox news. In fact, as my eyes caught this geezer trying to desperately avoid everyone's gaze I was struck by how very ordinary and unremarkable the man was.
Now I cannot describe the emotions that ran through my head. Your see I can easily and unequivocally state that Boyd K. Packer (Well, Some of his attendant teachings.) f***ed up my life and f***ed it up bad! You see I was a very naive TBM BOC kid who… well lets just say the churches teachings regarding the famous little factory caused my extreme pain and neuroses (for all of you TBM trolls, enter Boyd K Packer and masturbation in google and see what comes up) from puberty until I smartened up to the church at age 22. I even had the integrity to confess this perfectly normal (nothing perverse) to my hardass bishop when I was 19 years old (this was about 1998) and was not allowed to serve a mission because of frankly my honesty and my desire to do right by God (Its OK if your laughing I laugh about it now too.) and his righteous earthly judge. (Yea, there have been discussions on this board many times about how all 19 kids lie about this, confess other stuff but are let off because of connections, status etc. Also our hardcore bishop friend was later rumored to have been nearly excommunicated for using church funds to put a new roof on his house. A really righteous fellow he was.) My youth was filled with pain as the insane teachings of Spencer W. Kimball (Miracle of Forgiveness) and Boyd (Famous Little Factory Speech) invariably clashed with normal feelings regarding human sexuality. The sociological effects of my honesty (Yea this raising the bar shit encourages kids to lie about stuff like this now for sure.) was also real as I spent the years of my life 18-21 trying to make myself worthy and working shit jobs. People are not inclined to hire Mormon young men who don’t go on missions as the stigma of being lazy or a sinner of some sort is always applied. I was also to stupid at this time to go to college, as all I wanted to do was clean my self up from a painful and troubled youth (My self esteem was low in my teenage years and I had gotten into drugs though I was sill a true believer.) and integrate myself into what I believed was the most true organization on earth
Now what I am going to say may sound extreme to some. But the thoughts that I had were like a person confronting their worst enemy; like a rape victim running into the perpetrator randomly on the street. I am not going to lie, for the first 3/4th's of a second after I realized whom I shared a room with I was filled with pure rage. Two words burst into my head instantly, Blood Atonement. (Being a history major, and the Mormon history buff that I am I was reminded of brother Brigam's teachings, everyone should read up on this subject.) For that brief moment in time, the only thought pouring through my head was the law of the jungle, this man had by his organization and teachings, filled my youth with neurosis had almost literally cut off my balls. (The whole masturbation thing had lead me to be really horrible dysfunctional around women in genera and as I have previously stated destroyed my self-esteem.) The stabbing rage shouted in my head to pick up the heaviest object I could find (perhaps the flatsreen playing fox news) and splatter the motherf***ers brains all over the white tiled floor. Again, this may sound bad but it only lasted less than a second did. What happened next was to me extremely beautiful and profound.
First, before I describe what came next, let me set this up with what has happened to me since I have left the church. Well very little has happened actually, I have had to work shit jobs that were mostly graveyard and have been attending SLCC when I have had time and money trying to better myself. Sadly I also started drinking when I left the church and that later started to become a problem. (You never get the money or the brain cells back. Fortunately I have been clean for 2 months) I had moved out of my parents house a few years ago but had to move to my TBM parents house because of unemployment/bad luck streak and to assist my father in his ailing health. While I was doing security for a steel fabrication plant last winter out by Kennecot (Boy, what a great job that was, I had to sit in my uncomfortable car overnight with no heat and shiver, remember how cold it was in Utah last year.) At this point I was a sad agnostic philosophically, betrayed by a religion/culture that I had implicitly trusted and was lost and confused in an uncaring world. I turned to reading to keep myself sane on the job (Nobody is going to steal a 100 ton I-beam when its 0" degrees outside and there is 3 foot covering of snow on the ground.) and I began to read three very similar yet different books that had radically changed my worldview. One was Running On Emptiness by John Zerzan, a hardcore anarchist who also I think is an atheist, that talks about civilization and how advances in technology and culture invariably lead to social stratification and alienation between people who were previously spiritually together before these said "innovations." Another was How Your Mind Can Keep You Well by Roy Masters, (Master's meditation technique is basically gnosis for dummies, though he can be hard on the ladies sometimes on his talkshow.) a book on resentment and how it can muck up your life, and a biography of Gandhi, the famous statesman who accomplished so much with the principles of treating everyone with empathy and respect, even his enemies. (Sorry about the run on's.) At this point I was bitter, confused, and afraid, but as I began to open my mind to the content in these radically different books I was overtaken with what I can only struggle to describe. You can call it gnosis, being born again, nirvana, or whatever the f*** you want, but at that moment on an insanely miserable winter night I was free from resentment, anger, fear, and hatred. I had no bad feelings towards anyone and knew only love and respect for everyone and the spirits that dwell within them. I was also free from judgement as I am not God and I can never know all of the details of a person and have no right to condemn/or give them fake ego/praise, and engage in the little mental judgements people do to create the reality tunnel that they are right and "those people are wrong." I was also able to examine my relationships with women and how I had previously seen the ladies as mere things to validate my ego; in other words the girls saw in me, among other problems, someone who wanted to use them to validate my own ego as opposed to someone who would respect them. Also I gained new insight on how the church manages to control the members so thoroughly, Mormonism is an ego trap, and the promise of being a god/breeder goddess inflates the egos of the membership thoroughly. The members are willing to give up all kinds of money and time, put up with all kinds of ridiculous guilt for that carrot on the stick guaranteeing the ultimate ego gratification of Godhood. In other words, that night I had experienced a much-needed spiritual rebirth of sorts. Ironically, my life has sort of gone to hell since then; I had lost a few jobs and my apartment in addition to having had to quit attending school, and move back in with my parents. Also many of my friends are sort of unsavory characters and I had picked up some bad habits like drinking from them, that I am only recently cleaning up. It certainly isn't easy to keep a spirit of empathy when shit happens but I will still strongly assert (bear my testimony, if you will) that when I have been able to look past the anger and resentment that tends to manifest in my life I have been infinitely better off for it. All of this brings us to the moment in time where I am standing there in a Murray computer store, only ten feet away from a man who has f***ed with the heads of myself and a great many of you reading this right now.
Initially I was filled with rage and surprise, at whom I was standing near to. But after this buzzburst another thought manifested in my mind. It was the same thought that I had on that cold winter night and many times since, I understood. Though I certainly don’t condone what Packer has done, (Again, my opinion.) I refused to engage in resentment and judgement of the man. With a guy like Packer (And SWK for that matter.) you have to wonder what events in their lives caused them to take such a hardcore stance regarding human sexuality. I mean, were these guys molested as kids or something. Has the remembrance of how their polygamist grandmothers caused them some sort of complex against all forms of sexuality. Who knows, maybe he is just a crazy old asshole? I realized that to have resolution in my soul, I had to rise above the negativity and forgive him of the pain that has been caused. I am not bullshitting everyone when I say that I had one of the most "gnostic" moment in my life when I let it all go, the hatred, bitterness, towards him, everything!
I realized the tremendous power that comes to not reacting to a negative stimulus (even one so horrible as the cold face of Boyd K. Packer) At this point I can say I felt as good as in any moment of my life. This is not to say that I wasn’t still surprised, I had to reenter my debit card passcode again as I messed up the first time, but the strange serenity or the scene cleaned out all other emotions that could have been alternatively experienced. Once I had completed my transaction, my stuff was bagged and I began to walk towards the nearest door. The cashier then informed me that that door was inbound only and I had to go out the other door that could only be reached by going behind and around both que's where Mr. Packer was waiting to be checked. As I walked back around I again gazed upon our friend. He had probably seen me look at him before and now I walked near him from nearly a head on angle as he was looking towards the que and the door. I needed to go around him and the others in that line to circle back around to reach the correct door, and at that moment there was nearly eye contact. (He was avoiding everyone's gaze) Now keep in mind that I was about to go to the gym so I was wearing only a white T-shirt, and with myself wearing only a T-shirt, my lack of the famous Utah garment smile was easily apparent. Packer was probably aware that I had looked him with a glint of recognition in my eye and now I was approaching him with an obvious lack of G-smile showing, yea I must be an exmo. Though I didn’t look unnecessarily at him I could see a look of discomfort on his face. (Maybe not strong enough to call fear) At this time my ego briefly reappeared and I was again tempted to at least talk some shit to this unremarkable old suit. You know, say something like "Oh God hear the words of your BULLSHIT," or "how does it feel to have f***ed with so many peoples heads". But the smile that had washed over my face at the que never wavered and I walked on by out of the store and on with the rest of my life. I gave this man no reaction in which to validate his ego and that famous persecution complex verification that enables TBM's to continue to justify the thoughts that they are right and everyone else is wrong. I then went to the gym and had a fantastic workout and even had a decent day at work. Frankly, it was more of spiritual experience than any I ever had in the hierarchified, beuracritized, pay to play, brand of spirituality that is peddled in most of the churchhouses in Utah. (OK, this is getting long but I promise I'm almost done.)
Life isn't always easy though, and I can have all the warm fuzzy spiritual experiences that I want but that doesn’t change the fact that there is work to done in my life. I have been one in the past to run away from my problems and every day is still a battle. I am committed to completing my education and bettering myself. Hopefully all Utah will be to me someday is a receding image in the rearview mirror of my U-haul as I am off to some teaching job. But alas the battle continues. At my slavepit call center job I was again overtaken with resentment at how things in my life had happened and the lack of status that I have and all of those worldly things. Surprise surprise, these feelings were brought on by a woman, (this isn't as bad as you think) I mean no disrespect when I say this but, one of my supervisors is a gorgeous beguiling Bosnian girl with an astounding all class/perfect ass body and very sharp mind. In my intercall boredom I watched this svelte creature flow her way through the callfloor on 3 inch heels (Thank god stilettos have come back by the way.) In my listlessness I couldn’t help but return to the resentful state of mind that had shadowed me for years. I thought about how although I'm still in good shape for just turning 26 I'm in no state financially/emotionally to try and win the fancy of the ladies anywhere. I also began to think about a Mormon girl that I have known that was very exceptional and interesting as a kid and had shown great potential as a youth to see beyond the Mormon fraud (My opinion on the church is based on what I consider damning objective evidence like the Book of Abraham translation fraud.) as she had traveled all over the world, was very good at TaiKwonDo, never shied away form an R rated movie, and had even gotten one of those dumb Charisma Carpenter tattoo's right above her ass like all of the other ladies were doing for a few years ago. Sadly, she has grown molly Mormon as of late and I recently heard that she was engaged to some TBM dullard and is committed to making some more Mormon babies. (Ok I have never met the guy, but he's Mormon and there getting married in the temple so how cool could he be?) It really saddened me to think of this remarkable person as one of Brigams breeders, a formerly exceptional woman becoming just another Mormon wife/baby factory. (You know, hey woman you have no power, go breed us some more tithepayers, oh yeah, don’t forget to feel constantly guilty for things you have done in the past.) At this point the thought of why didn’t I splatter Boyd's brains all over the Fox TV screen returned to me. For a few minutes the rage again flowed through my mind but as before, I again knew where to let my thoughts flow. You see life is a bitch and in this postmodern, dog eat dog world that we live in, things can be f***ing brutal. Also on top of that there is a legitimate chance (Hey I don’t know, I have never been dead.) that there may be no afterlife to look forward to. The world has little (well none) sympathy for a dumb Utah Mormon who was stupid enough to admit wanking to his authoritarian bishop. But you know what, it doesn’t matter, yeah I'm serious, in my opinion it doesn't matter, because what we do have is the here and now. And that… is sacred enough. Whatever happiness in life happens, so much is beyond our control. (I'm not saying people shouldn’t seek after justice, on the contrary.) But the love/empathy/respect that we can show the people in our lives is not, we all have the same choice either to love or to hate to have respect or disdain or to have empathy or to persecute. After I got my head strait, I reaffirmed my commitment to being part of the solution and not part of the problem. To me all humans are worthy of respect whether it be the hot Bosnian girl, Boyd K f***ing Packer, or everyone else in between and I am committed to helping bring forth a brighter day by my attitude and my willingness to do what needs to be done. If I had smote ol' Boyd down to the ground or even verbally abused him, I would have been a part of the problem and not the solution.
Simply put, life is short and there has to be a better way regarding how the church and other spiritual institutions are run so I am going to end this by directing some words to none other than you Mr. Boyd K Packer, so called apostle and second in succession of a very powerful and influential institution, wherever the hell you are. What I am going to say is now aimed solely at you. Also, I am not addressing the big powerful, suit and tie, everyone adores me, Boyd K Packer stands at the giant pulpit in the conference center, nor am I addressing the casually dressed shopper, simply wishing for some anonymity while buying new computer equipment. Forget all of the roles you have had, obtained, or been assigned by others in the course of you're life and listen to me, one human soul filled with the divine spark to another.
When the inevitable happens and Gordon B. Hinkley dies you will take upon yourself a powerful mantle and will be revered by millions of people. This includes an exceptional woman that I care for very deeply. I ask you, how will you conduct yourself when they eventually drop Hinkleys carcass off at the morgue? Though you and I know after our brief eye contact that we were equal spirits before God, (If there is one) and only worthy of his presence if we express him outwardly to others through empathy, your flock thinks that some pretty profound shit goes on with you in your Masonic rip-off holy of holies temple. (Well some do, many others are merely telling you what you want to hear.) When you get to sit in the big chair, what will you do, how will you conduct yourself? WILL YOU BE LIKE ALL OF THE OTHERS OR WILL YOU BE DIFFERENT. The only reason nothing has changed and your religion continues to alienate decent people like me is because no one has had the courage to dislodge their egos from the apparatuses of power and take responsibility for the past.
All you have to do to change the world is put all of the holy books away, all of the decrees, commandments, rituals, and all of the rest of your ego morphine that keeps your pride from burying your conscience. If you want communion with the only spirit that matters, please I implore you, go and sit still alone, just you and your conscience let everything else go and you will know how to lead in the right way. The church has condemned far too many for behaviors that are all to human to continue to function with any degree of legitimacy. Hell Boyd, if you will remember I mentioned Gandhi earlier, now there was a guy who knew how to bring about positive progress in the plight of men, why not put the DnC down and read up on him instead? Its not too late to do the right thing man, as long as you are breathing you can bring to this world goodness. Some people on this board and other places have cast you as an hopelessly evil man who rips people apart like L Tom Perry for presenting a human story about the apostle chocolate tradition (You guys are right those folks at Cummings know what they are doing) or verbally abusing people who are without a white shirt in the church office building. (Or was is a tie, I don’t remember) Remember Boyd, I was sorely tempted to make fun of you and your closely held temple rituals in a public place and wisely decided to refrain, taking the higher ground. In doing so I left you, and myself, with our dignities intact; is there a chance that this approach would work for you as well considering that you have much more worldly power than I ever will. If you are as bad a person as everyone says then consider how profound it would be to stand reborn and reinvent yourself, the greater the crime/pain the more profound the redemption. You don’t have to be the grizzly bear we have held in disdain all of these years.
Now I am going to say things that you may find hurtful but remember they are directed at the institution known as Mormonism and not you. The bottom line is this, your religion is a verifiable fraud and this had been proven numerous times through the years from the BOA translation fiasco to Mark Hoffman playing you guys like a f***ing violin. There is no way a just supernatural force would channel himself through Joseph Smith (I'm going to refrain from calling him things like a lazy treasurehunter or a sexual deviant, since you undoubtedly have heard them all before.) and if he did receive supernatural aid it is a legitimate possibility that it was from a nefarious source. (Those pentagrams on the Nauvoo temple look an awfully lot like the ones those devil heavy metal bands display) All that has to be done to change the world is a change in the heart of a single man, do you have the integrity to face up to the churches crazy past, and the fact that your faith is currently maiming people today with ridiculous crippling guilt and obligation. Will you be the one to unlock the gates of unconditional love to flow down upon your thirsty flock to drink? Or, will it be more of the same: the guilt, the pride and worship of outward images that is fostered in your people that causing them to worship only material things, like SUV's goofy McMansions and the like. The culture that causes people to worship those with the most expensive suit, often with disastrous results as liars, connmen, and real perverts have infiltrated your midst. The same old culture that has Utah among the highest in personal bankruptcies and SSRI antidepressant consumption. I say these things because your church, quite frankly is rapidly dying with the churches past and present sins being on the internet for all to see. Invariably you will only attract the slow-witted and needy into your ranks, a cadre of people that will contribute little to you shiny suit, image only dream. Ironically the only way to save your institution is to do the right thing exactly as I have stated. You must be open about the chicanery of the past and remove all of the cancerous ego-god bullshit from your institution or it will fade into ridiculous nothingness before the judgement of time. You can either be remembered as the man who took a stand and changed history or a ridiculous old fool pretending to be a "prophet" guiding one of the goofiest institutions ever to grace the face of the earth. Also before I finish, I also understand and sympathize with you that you may be in a terrible position. You may want to do the right thing but may not be able to act for fear of the harm that may come to loved ones. Ones family and friend are one of life's most precious jewels and are worthy of protection, as this is a noble concern. Also I sympathize with you regarding the potential scenario that the office that you now hold or will hold when Hinkley dies possesses no real power, and you are merely a puppet from whose strings lead back to other groups that dwell behind the scenes. (Whether it be a Council of Fifty type of organization, some crazy Danite like group, a version of the often mentioned Masonic conspiracy ((assuming this even exists)), or perhaps groups unknown to the uninitiated profane like myself) If this is true, you probably feel even more powerless than I do, having started off in the con as a wide eyed kid just looking to do a job and wasn’t smartened up until it was to late. To conclude, if you actually read this thank you Mr. Packer for your time and may your journey through this life and whatever lies beyond be a happy and meaningful one. (Hint: clearing your conscience makes a person feel great, at least it did for me. You know what to do.)

All right, that’s my story and I'm sticking to it, remember we live in a F***ed up world (I personally am not a big fan of oil wars myself) and Mormonism isn't the only human institution to have problems. Indeed there may be hard times ahead. On top of that there may be no interventionist sky-daddy savior that will come down at the last minute and save us from ourselves. Because of this I implore everyone to love those in your life who deserve to be loved and rise above resentment and anger to those who have wronged you and everyone else. Give them a chance to redeem themselves. I even mean this about Mormonism and may we come upon a better world for tomorrow, a world we will have to build all by ourselves. (Actually sound like fun.) I mean this to the crazyhot Bosnian girl, the exceptional girl form my neighborhood who sadly may have sold her soul, the fool bishop who used church money to put on a new roof and even you Boyd K. Packer of all people, you spawnmaster of a thousand neuroses. Oh yeah and everyone else especially everyone at exmormon.org. Cheers…

Sincerely NewJackVictory

A.k.a. *** R*******
Sandy 13th ward, Sandy West Stake

Written in December 2007, in response to a thread composed by SLDrone and others, the twisting of the following screed would sadly serve to be the manifesto of a troupe of malevolent and cynical exploiters who have harmed hundreds of people, including myself, to a tremendous degree here in the Mormon Corridor and beyond. Read carefully; this describes the exact methodology used by a(n) demon and a cancer that has completely degraded the state of Utah…

As I was also guilted as a young man because of similar minor sexual 'sins' that have been associated with speculation about the young man in Grumpy’s post that committed suicide, I have been ‘moved by the spirit,’ so to speak to post this rant. This incident vividly reminded me of a quote from famous early 20th century occultist Aleister Crowley from one of his masterworks, Majick. Crowley stated that, in describing the most desirable victim for the performance of literal human sacrifice that, in order to facilitate "the highest spiritual working, one must accordingly choose that victim which contains the greatest and purest force,’ and that ‘a male child of perfect innocence and high intelligence is the most satisfactory and suitable victim." What the cultural effects of Mormonism have potentially done to this young man stunningly reminded me of Crowley’s statement, as young men (and women) that are by nature honest and sincerely believe in the church and in the purported infallible nature of its leadership; and who are also exposed to things like the SWK's Miracle of Forgiveness with its emphasis on feeling ashamed about fundamental aspects of human sexuality, are inevitably drawn down into a wormhole of guilt and wasted potential that indeed sacrifices the best years of their lives.


However, the type of sacrifice that has arisen in ‘The Church’ is, in reality more devious and fiendishly clever that anything even Crowley himself could have conceived in years past while he was himself practicing his version of the dark arts. (It is my understanding that reports of his practice of human sacrifice are unconfirmed, though rumors persist concerning this in his macabre rites and that it is confirmed that he practiced animal sacrifice.) Instead of ‘The Church’ sacrificing or attacking young people directly, it alternatively, passively and systematically f***s with the head's of well meaning young souls to such an extent that these sincere individuals will go to tragic extremes including even suicide to compensate for this imposed guilt. Though the motivation for the young man described by Grumpy in taking his own life is obviously currently unknown to people on this board at this point, I do definitively know that a similar young man in Idaho committed suicide in the 1980’s as a direct result of guilt induced over his sinfulness via masturbation, an act that likely 90% of the male members of his ward were engaging in. In other words, the church does indeed, at least in a symbolic sense, sacrifice its honest and innocent young men in the same way that Crowley endorsed, but with the ingenious innovation of pressuring the victims to pull the trigger themselves, thus absolving the church from responsibility or in having to clean up the blood, both in a literal and figurative sense.


In contrast, compare the young man in Grumpy’s story (Was committing minor 'sin' like masturbation, couldn’t handle it thus killed himself.) to the account of the young, sexually active, ‘hypocrite,’ Mormon couple given recently on this board by former mission president SLDrone. He described a conversation with a young couple he was associated with, where they were either preparing for a temple marriage or that the young man was leaving on a mission with the corresponding worthiness interviews. (I don’t remember which one.) These young adults, who were of the same age as Grumpy’s associate, freely admitted to having regular sexual intercourse and that they openly stated that they would flippantly lie about their state of ‘worthiness’ to church authorities. These kids stated this to SLDrone without even a minimal indication of remorse and his story seemed to imply that this fundamental guile was, to them the most natural thing in the world despite the constant admonitions from church leader’s to remain sexually inactive and that the violation of this requires the initiation of the repentance process that all of us are familiar with. With these two examples in mind, consider Crowley’s use of the term ‘innocence,’ and how it pertains to these youths. Within the unspoken ‘hidden curriculum’ in Mormonism there seems to be at play here the appearance that, in order for oneself to get ahead and advance in the institution, one must possess a cynical awareness and ability to lie and to tell other people what they want to hear, and that those that are too ‘innocent’ to understand this will not advance within the organization even to the point of being psychologically attacked by the church.


In comparing these two stories, it stand's out to me that the effects of Mormonism on its membership, particularly in the years in which a person is 'coming of age,' is that it brutalizes the honest and elevates and rewards those individuals who are by nature or by nurture the best liars. In fact, the ability to lie seems to be ‘part and parcel’ for individuals to get ahead in Mormon culture and those who sincerely believe in the church are guilted and traumatized to such a degree that they are, in a very real sense, sacrificed. The unspoken institutional acceptance of this matrix of despair has, at least on a psychological level, caused the church to resemble something that only a foul bastard like Crowley would dare to conceive, and this fact is a great unspoken tragedy in our society that needs to be exposed.


Now, I am not overtly suggesting that Mormonism is a part of some satanic conspiracy, as the rational part of my brain tends to reject this fanciful concept, though when I travel through SLC and see the occult symbols and pentagrams placed on the most sacred buildings of Mormonism, I cant help but wonder about such dark things. What I will state with the absolute certainty of someone who has gone through the trauma of similar institutional application of guilt, is that the institutional structure of Mormonism has developed in such a way as to promote deceitful behavior, inauthenticity, and a superficial and petty tendency towards its membership only valuing of outward signs of ‘righteousness’ and conformity at the expense of literally all else including the truth, and that this has created a culture of pathological lying that has saturated the faith to its very core. In my native Utah, the preponderance of multi-level marketing schemes, fraudulent business deals gone conducted by garment wearing goons, (a story for another day) and the abundance of other petty chiselers of every stripe are, in my NSH opinion, a direct result of this institutional tendency within Mormonism.


Also, one of the oldest archetypes in human religious history is the concept of the scapegoat. This is where a person who has wronged ‘God’ or his fellow man and that he has sinned desires to absolve himself of this transgression and finds a proxy that is instead subjected to the redeeming sacrifice, thus the sinner himself is not required make a direct forfeiture. In Mormonism, the history regarding human sexuality is undeniably controversial, to say the least, (Actually I have watered this statement down in consideration of all of you TBM lurkers, who, though feeling sympathetic towards Grumpy’s associate, cannot handle the dichotomy of implicit application of this young mans guilt by the church and the diametrically opposed sexual behavior by early church founders. Look it up if you don’t believe me.) and events as chronologically diverse as the polygamy practiced by church founders to the modern treatment of gays in the Evergreen program, indicate this fundamental dysfunction. However, Mormonism itself seems continuously adamant in not directly addressing these problems, as this examination would raise difficult questions that would cast membership-wide doubt regarding the credibility of founders like Joseph Smith and proportionally the churches claims of infallibility that are the foundation of its stated reason for existing. Thus, the church will perpetually continue to lie about, obfuscate, and minimalize its own sexual history and the related damage it has done to certain members, with this tendency for misdirection also manifesting in the individual membership as well. When people like the young man in Grumpy’s ward commit suicide or are subjected to other distress where the church may have been a factor, the members in their vicinity often develop a similar ‘blame the victim’ mentality that likewise protects the church or their own personally held perceptions of it, with the result of the organization itself never being scrutinized by the individual membership as well. The numerous stories I have heard on this board where people who have suffered these kinds of misfortune and have been the subject of all kinds of awful gossip and derision to the point of again ‘sacrificing’ their reputations by, so called brothers and sisters, indicates that the ancient symbolic act of scapegoating is alive and well within modern Mormonism.


For f***’s sake people, it is the Church that has sinned, it is they who have psychologically harmed tens of thousands of young people by convincing then that the manifestation of the normal sexual desires that all biological organisms experience is an unnatural sin, and that to experience these feelings that are a fundamental aspect of life itself, is to draw upon oneself the wrath of God. (Again jabroni lurkers, consider Smith and Young’s sexual proclivities and compare them to the standards set in The Miracle of Forgiveness or perhaps your own standards.) And sadly, it is always the small, powerless, and innocent individuals that suffer in this system, and over and over again the church never seriously pays for its misdeeds.


To conclude, with this dysfunction in mind, I am glad that the church will be exposed to increasing, potentially critical publicity by the media as a result of Romney’s presidential campaign. Hell, it is even possible that the Mittster himself while acting as a bishop conducted similar worthiness interviews that Grumpy’s associate was exposed to. Actually, now that I think about it, in Mitt’s Park City Ward, both he and his upper class congregation probably also understood and practiced the unspoken ‘hidden curriculum’ that SLDrone’s young associates advocated and I am willing to bet that if one was to ask members of this upper class, ‘all is well’ flock about these issues, that they would likely flatly deny that young people in Mormonism are subjected to the guilt and humiliation I described above. Indeed, I can only conclude that ‘The So Called Church’ is a foul institution by nature that has much to account for contemporarily and historically including the events surrounding the suicide that was described here today, and the likelihood of increased negative scrutiny upon it because of Mitt has at least the potential to place a silver lining on this very dark situation here in Utah.


In the end though, it does not matter if Mormonism is a dark satanic cult whose inner secrets resemble the horrors in a Lovecraft novel, or merely a bland uninspired bureaucracy populated by cynics, accountants, lawyers, and withered irrelevant curmudgeons stuck in the 1950’s. The end result is the same either way, Grumpy’s associate is still dead and the sexually active young couple will continue to lie, f**k, and scrapbook their way into a life of probable respectability here in Utah, including the sanctioned production of their genetically and environmentally deceitful offspring that will further fill up the states diminishing open spaces.


May GOD (the real God, no Masonic handshakes required) Help Us All

This is an excerpt of a post that was strangely deleted this last December, describing how my life has completely fallen apart over the last 10 years

Aaaaaahhh the winter solstice, with a lunar eclipse (of the feminine principle) to kick it off no less. This is indeed a time of rebirth…

Revelation of the Method:
The irony of the situation is that one night I described to ‘John Wayne Cocaine’ the exact method by which they would screw me in the months and years that would follow, when we were sitting around drinking beers. It’s quite simple as I told him, just tell any individual that I has interacted with me that I am what they hate or fear; if they are left wing, tell them I am a militia freak or right wing extremist, (this would prove to be the one of the most effective ironically due to my later actions) if they are right wing tell them I am a communist or homosexual. Likewise if they are gay, tell them I am a homophobe; or also very effective is to tell them that I am an anti-Semite (And if there were any actual Nazis involved in screwing me, tell them I lust after Jewish women.) with this deception being easy to sell due my shaved head and prussogermanic face. But, what would be of course the most universally effective assault on my character would be to accuse me of being a child molester or sexual deviant, with this affront to my reputation being easy to create with my attempts at establishing my teaching career having gone down in flames a year earlier. I would imagine ‘piggy’ and her like daughters have used this methodology often in and around the time she was called on her senior mission, had her little panic attack, and then was always conveniently traveling around the country with her house being available with invitations of lonely drinking sigils with ‘JWC’ taking place any time I happened to be considering sobering up. Ironically, I also saw ‘piggy’ parked stationary on 7th east on at least 1 occasion this past year when I walked into the smoke shop past the poster obliviously of my ‘opposite’ to get some more spice(JWH-18) to cloak the pain and discord of the past decades events. There she was, my dear ‘graven image’ cousin looking out upon me whose profession and reputation, in combination with my own foolish and dysfunctional behavior, had done so much damage to my attempts to establish my career…

Also, since I get accused of being an anti-Semite a lot, this is an excerpt and exact quote (that I can reproduce to prove it) from an email written to the demon in those confused times when I didn’t know who my enemy truly was…

...does go as far back as other unequivocally German names in my heritage like ******(***'* maiden name) or *********** it is Konigsberg/Teutonic Prussian all the way back to the mid 18th century. Even if (toilet's) thesis is true, that would make me/us what, like 1/32th Polish on my father’s side. (actually the name ****** may also be Polish now that I think about it) Not that this matters of course as both my academic and conspiratorial research has consistently shown that the actual genetic difference between Indo-European peoples, including Ashkenazi Jews by the way, is negligible. (And no, once and for Fucking all, I am not a Nazi, they destroyed Prussia, and this is obviously a minor grievance compared to other atrocities like the holocaust.) Though when I was temporarily insane (see what all of you pornstars have done to my mind) this fall and reread parts of Bloodlines...