I realize I left out a key detail and that is that in 2003 I officially resigned from the LDS church. I didn't know previous to that date (when I found 'mormonnomore.org' ) that it was something I could do. For me it was important. Some of my good friends who also left (esp. a couple of my childhood friends) didn't do the same as they didn't feel the need. But I didn't want the church to use me as a number for any kind of political gain. I didn't tell my family and still haven't because I didn't do as a rebellious act to hurt anyone, just for my own peace of mind. I am sure they would react even more extremely than when I told them of my 'inactivity.' And I just don't need to go there. Though it does bother me sometimes to think that they hold onto this hope of me rejoining the fold one day in part because they take comfort in me still technically being 'Mormon.' But I also sometimes feel like if that makes them feel good than so be it. I just wish I could be more honest and open with them.