Stage 9 Psychological Cannibalism - Suicide

Psychological Cannibalism - Suicide

Prologue to Stage 9

The prelude to suicide is accumulated, unearned "Guilt" and the abandonment by those in whom all of one's trust has been deposited, plus the sense that one has failed in all things. Numbness sets in. One loses all feelings of sense perceptions, and feels nothing but a "Black Hole" of despair, and the desire to die, the pain unendurable.

Mormonism fosters an unconscious death wish through The Pattern which is designed to destroy individual identity ... to lose oneself totally for the "upbuilding of the Kingdom of God on earth." The sincere devotee obeys the Law of Sacrifice of offering, literally, one's life and all of one's talents and possessions, if necessary, for the church. All of the words and promises by the leaders of the church have been believed and worked for diligently. Since the Gospel "plan" is based on fraud, i.e., the Double-Bind, failure is a built-in result. The stronger the individual is, the more basic intelligence the member has, the more the pain and devastation one feels at the final failure. This person is labeled "mentally ill," a "misfit," and becomes the "exception" that can't be tolerated and is literally abandoned. Instead of help given, the member is accused of having committed some terrible sin, which reinforces the desire to die; the member is punished again ... for being punished.

Abandonment will be masked by "Not I (we), But, you, are "evil." This member is abandoned in his or her most crucial time of need because he/she becomes a threat to the "Key" to "Salvation" ... the Double-Bind and what it does. The member reveals a fact that gets too close to the poisonous source; the church is put on the spot with its own corruption of values that it must deny; it must have the image of "sanity," "joy," "happiness," "love," and, of course, "intelligence." Therefore, the member must be labeled the "enemy" of these "highest values." Mormonism outwardly fights what it inwardly is.

The victim is blamed and accused of needing "psychiatric" help; it is the member who is "mad," not the church. Or, church "psychologists" may recommend a drug of some kind (like Prozac) to "stabilize" a member by superficially erasing all of the anxiety that shows and indicates that something is radically wrong. The member is then able to continue his or her labors in the church uninterrupted. They need only to "read the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants" and to "work harder to increase their faith." It is this "lack" of effort that has caused their "illness" they are told. In reality, it is just the opposite. The cause is prescribed as the cure which continues to destroy the ability to reason.

However, the underlying reasons for the depression are still there; the drugs merely put the problems back into the "little box" of denial that Mormonism had encouraged before the current outbreak, thus, the problems that caused the crisis are "forgotten." On the other hand, if the member is leaving, or has left the church (the real cause of the problem) and has sought help, certain calming drugs can elevate the desire to live and to give the energy necessary to probe the real cause of the depression. The problem once known and the Self Identity of the person re-established, the drug is no longer necessary. The chemical imbalance caused by the anxiety inflicted by the Double-Bind Pattern is restored to its balanced operating level. The brain is not separate from the body. What one thinks and feels affects the well-being of the rest of the body. Our sense perceptions and their normal chemical messages to the brain are our means of survival.

The major difference is whether a Band-aid is used to cover a still festering abscess, or whether a fundamental cure is the goal. Without knowing the primary cause, there can be no real cure ... and an addiction to the drug results. At any time the desire to die could break through. Suicide is one of the "side effects" of the drug Prozac.

The church is the Whited Sepulchre which houses the living Dead. If this sounds grim, it is because the white-washed deadly falsehoods are being taken away, and what is left is are facts that have been denied for too long. The problem needs to be identified, named and exposed. And, contrary to Mormon expectations, the factual truths can actually set us free. Ernest Renan expressed it this way: "The Truths which Science (Reason) reveals always surpass the dreams which it destroys." (Italics, mine.)

We cannot fight or defend ourselves from the invisible. This is what Mormonism fears ... that we will objectify and identify the fraud. The very things the church considers its enemies, are the very things that contain hidden truths which they want to keep hidden. (I hope to enlarge on these issues in a later article and/or book.) Packer has identified and is obsessed with three main "enemies" of the church, Gays and Lesbians, Women, and Intellectuals ... (in other words, Sex, the issue of choice in Procreating, and Reason). The other subject it fears, and which is carefully avoided, and rarely spoken of or defined ... considered too "sacred" to speak about ... is Love. Love is one of the "Mysteries of Godliness." In Mormonism, the "Mysteries" are not to be delved into. This life is for blind "Obedience and Sacrifice" only.

* * *
Stage 9

The Life in Death and Death in Life Stage

Death/Suicide - Numb/Death of Feelings - Dumb/Death of the Mind
Psychological Cannibalism
The Death of Love - Self-Loathing

Experiences by Women

"... I felt that I didn't even have the right to ask God for help. (You know - when you sin, the holy spirit is withdrawn from you!) I was consumed with thoughts of suicide daily..."
Post #13 See: Stages 1, 5. #13.

Empty of Self
"Because along with the freedom of the mind I was experiencing, was the fact that I no longer had anything to center me. I felt adrift in a black hole. A Mormon will tell you that this is the devil at work, "come back to safety, come back to the light!" But I couldn't go back to that. ... I know now that I was lost because I had never learned to think on my own, to reason things out. I no longer had anyone telling me who I was or my purpose in life."
Post # 17 See: Stage 8. #17.

Death of the Mind
"I was so unhappy, but I did not believe I could ever be free from Mormonism. I thought I was doomed to struggle forever. ... I knew that I had given in to this life of anguish, but I would not, as a mother do the same to my child. I would not sentence him to this life of imprisonment. ... I didn't know all of the documentation that proves J.S. was a hoax, and that the Mormons are still covering up the changes, and the lies. I just knew that though I may struggle the rest of my life with the fear of their power over me, I would not, could not, sentence my innocent child to the same anguish. Does it ever get completely resolved? I still struggle, and I get so frightened of their power over my mind, because I let them have such power at one time."
Post # 22-3 See: Stage 8. #22-3.

Suicidal Thoughts
"...and (I) mentally debated the merits of suicide vs. admitting defeat ..."

Reclaiming the Self - Reversing back to the Real World
"I will try to complete myself here. ... It is a struggle to become a whole person, it is the learning, it is the growth, that determines the quality of one's life."
Post #42 See: Stages 5, 6, 7, 8. #42.

(Truly, one experiences real life for the first time, the real "resurrection" ... of the "dead.")

Suicidal Thoughts:
" ... now there was nothing to fall back on at all. I locked myself in my room and cried for hours at a time. Every day for several weeks I was absorbed with the thought of suicide to end my pain & nearly followed through with the plan to end my life."
Post #48 See: Stages 1, 7. #48.

Suicidal Thoughts:
"Finally one night I was standing at my back door looking out at the beautiful snow while everyone else was asleep and contemplated suicide. I kept thinking, I should be happy, why aren't I happy, I must be doing something wrong, it's all my fault etc. etc."
Post #53 See: Stages 1, 2, 5. #53.

Numbing of the Mind - Perceptions still Alive
"I realize that I had been a prisoner of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints... I was terrified of the "great doom" that would come to me if I left the church. It tormented me for weeks, and into months. I finally decided that even though I didn't know why the church wasn't true, that because I felt in my heart that it wasn't true, that I should leave. It was the most frightening thing I have ever done in my life."
Post # 55 See: Stage 5. #55.

Depression - Fear of Death
"I'm certain that depression among women in the LDS church is rampant, and I feel that being free of the burden of constant pain and guilt will be one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. ... I felt for years that I was never good enough in God's eyes, and that I would never be perfect enough to return to him someday. I was constantly afraid of death, and what my fate would be on the other side. I no longer have that fear. Living my life in fear was hell!"
Post #56

"I also am personally aware of the oppressive environment the church imposes on others (especially the women) and how difficult it is to leave. I think that is reflected in Utah's well known high suicide rate."
Post # 59

Abandonment - Suicide
"I felt abandoned again. I felt alone and discarded and violated. I had shared things with this Bishop that I hadn't shared with anyone and he just plain didn't care anymore. I was suicidal. I didn't believe that God could or would love me if His Bishop couldn't love and accept me. I truly believed with all of my heart.

"In the meantime, my husband watched me struggle through a suicide attempt and loss of faith in my Church and myself."
Post #61 See: Stages 4, 5, 6, 7. #61.

Difficulty in leaving Mormonism
"I almost got to the point of leaving the church but had no one to really talk to or no place to turn to. I did try a group of Christians who try to help those leaving the Mormon church but the person they sent to me had never been a Mormon and did not fully understand the difficulty in physically, emotionally and mentally leaving."
Post #68 See: Stages 1, 2-3, 8. #68.
The Enemies of Mormonism - What is Done - Hate
"The LDS church claims to be led by men of God. They are supposed to receive direct revelation from Him. Yet this is a church that turns away from the needs of both its men and its women, a church that will not acknowledge the child abuse/incest that goes on between some of its members--abuse that destroys children and steals their childhood, that creates wounds they carry the rest of their lives. Women in the church--some women, by no means all--are just as scarred and scared, just as abused. Yet those in authority will not deal with these issues. Nor will they deal with women who feel it extremely unfair that they are still to be "subservient" to their husbands, that they are not equal to their husbands, not even in the eyes of the LDS God. Mormonism is a patriarchy. For some, this is an acceptable way to live. For others, it's a torture chamber. Their treatment of homosexuals seeking help is appalling. While I am not gay, I was involved with a gay member of the church, and the hell he was put through--even as he begged for help--was appalling. Instead of self-acceptance for EVERY member, the church teaches conditional love ... To claim that it's God's will that people be hurt this way is emotionally, mentally and spiritually abusive."
Post #69 See: Stages 2-3, 4, 5. #69.

Experiences by Men in Stage 9

What is Said - "Love"
"My faith was so seriously shaken by those first two years of college that I probably would have left the church or at least become inactive had it not been for Lowell Bennion. He said "look, the important message of the church is love, it's main mission isn't proving that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that the Mormon church is the only true church on the face of the earth, it's about loving our fellow man and Christ. That has to be our highest priority at all times." That made sense, he had given me a rationale for staying in the church."
Post #4 See: Stages 5, 8. #4.

The General (One Mind fits All) Vs the Individual - Totalitarianism Vs Personal Freedom
"The use of private, personal correspondence in a Church investigation is, as I clearly expressed, a violation of my privacy, and highly unethical. In addition, the accusation that I personally published 'anti-Mormon' material, ascribing to me an article published in the San Francisco Chronicle and comments on it by my correspondent is not only incorrect, but shows the extremes to which the totalitarian mentality which inspired this inquisition will go."
Post #7 See: Stage 6. #7.

(Members commonly believe that the church agrees with the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights ...that they were divinely inspired ... that we each have equal rights, including the right to privacy. The 12th Article of Faith: "We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law." In Mormonism, what is said by the leaders and what is done are two different things; the leaders claim the right to privacy when it applies to themselves in defending themselves, but when it comes to individual members, they become "exceptions" to that rule of law. This kind of thinking is due to Mormonism's dual Theo-Democratric basis ... a contradiction in terms, and the outcome of the dual personality of the Binder.)

"I would agree, though, that the Missionary Training Center fits a lot of the standard criteria for brainwashing and "cult"-type practices. In the MTC, free thought and free debate are strongly condemned, and contact with outsiders is strictly regulated. These are all traits common to so-called "cults."
Post #18

Death of Mind and Perceptions:
"I was somewhat offended by his (the Mission President) change in demeanor, and that he would try to manipulate me into doing something that may well have permanent negative consequences as far as my health was concerned. Mormon missionaries pay their own way, and I was no exception, so why should I be made to feel guilty because I didn't want to sacrifice my health, or even my life for a "cause" that I believed in only marginally? Keeping my composure, I reassured him that I had indeed prayed quite a lot regarding this matter, and that this was indeed the proper, and only course of action. He questioned me once more on this, and I began to weary at his unwillingness to accept my decision about my life.

"Individuals placed in leadership positions often use their supposed superiority to manipulate individuals in their charge. Church members, especially missionaries, are taught that the leadership is "inspired", and that they should submit their decisions to the "wise counsel" of those who are placed in stewardship over them. Philisophically, this is a bad thing, because it teaches people to question their own ability to make life decisions, and makes them more dependent upon the infrastructure of the church. The entire church organization is set up to make the membership feel commitment. Tithing, endless meetings, ward budget and other contributions, church jobs, and missions, are all designed to keep the membership dependent upon the organization. After all, how many people would want to give up membership in which they have invested so much of their time, money, and energy?"
Post #19 See: Stages 2-3, 4, 5, 6, 7. #19.

(This kind of treatment is due to the dehumanization of individuals in Mormonism. Only human beings can get sick; members are not allowed to be human ... to become physically ill. It implies they are "evil" in that they were not devout enough in their prayers and supplications ... lacked "faith" to remain "well."

(This is similar to the experience of Post #38 in regards to prayer. It contains another Double-Bind. As with the young man in Post #38 when he was asked to pray for guidance, the implication was that he could expect personal guidance and answers to his prayers. When his prayers and his blessings from priesthood leaders were not answered, nor shown, or, in the case above where this missionary had received an answer, but it was "unacceptable," they were both judged "guilty" for expecting to be "special" ... "exceptions." They were damned if they did pray, and they were damned if they didn't pray. "Yes/" pray, "But" ... why do you think you are so "special" to receive a PERSONAL answer ... one way or the other. (The personal vs the general ... the individual outside the tribal "oneness.")

(Mormonism consistently kills what it claims to love ... the personal. The Binder, as "Guardian," 'loves,' and at the same time, the Binder as "Enforcer" kills. This is the Love/Hate, Life/Death syndrome. Love/Hate is the double-edged sword of the Binder; it cuts both ways; one kills the other. The "Guardian" and the "Enforcer" continually stand "back to back" in denial of each other. Hence, "Back to back they faced each other, drew their (double-edged) swords and shot each other" ... (arrows of "Love" and "Hate") ... "Love" kills "Hate," and "Hate" kills "Love." The "Guardian" kills the "Enforcer" and the "Enforcer" kills the "Guardian." The "Enforcer" is the slave of the "Guardian;" both are constantly at war with the other.

(Again, the Binder kills what he professes to love, and loves what he professes to hate ... continually. This is an insidious state of madness! Mormonism is not the benign institution it is advertised to be!)

Numbness - Death of Feelings - Self Loathing
(This young man (and his companion) was sent home from his mission for having a Thanksgiving Dinner with Elders in a neighboring town.)
"As my plane crossed the Atlantic I felt like a condemned man. Or worse, since I was convinced that I was bound to become a Son of Perdition. ...I was destined to join that handful cast into dark and everlasting space with our unexpepiated sins forever weighing on our souls. ... After I arrived in Georgia I lost, for several months to follow, my ability to enjoy the taste of food, or to appreciate music, or see a movie without assuming for myself the guilt that should have been reserved for the villain. Even a Walt Disney movie like "1001 Dalmations" tapped feeling of fear and self-loathing."
Post #23 See: Stages 5, 6, 7. #23.

(The Bound, required to have One Mind with the Binder, accepts the projections the Binder sends to him. The Bound becomes the mirror image of the Binder through projection.)

Death of Feelings - "Love"
"If you can break through the "best two years of my life" ...., you can get most returned missionaries to admit the truth: an LDS mission has more to do with salesmanship and numbers than it does with heart and soul. ... My mission president ... was consumed with increasing the "numbers" to the point of ignoring the fragile emotional health of the children (I use that term purposely) that served as his proselytizing force. One of his favorite expressions? "You're sucking a hind teat, Elder!"
Post #26

Self-Loathing - Dehumanization
"The church taught that the Holy Spirit could protect you from temptation. With the Holy Spirit and faith, you could cast off the "natural man". "Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil" just didn't seem to be working for me. Of course, I blamed it on myself and thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I was perverted. I felt evil inside. I hated myself."
Post # 28 See: Stages 1, 2-3, 4, 5. #28.

(The only total way the "natural man" can be "cast off" is through physical castration. Mormonism, through pathological mental and emotional conditioning ... through the "Spirit," seeks to psychologically castrate both men and women; they become neutered, sexless ... neither male nor female ... a reflection of the self-contained male-female Adam who "begot" Eve. In that "pre-mortal" condition they were both ignorant of sex which, in the temple ceremony today, is reenacted by each member actor as they become another an Adam or another Eve ... before the "fall," i.e., when ignorant of sex, and therefore "pure." The effect of this conditioning is to try to benumb ... through "guilt" ... all sensual perceptions by fostering a hatred of the body and labeling it "evil.")

Blind, Deaf, Dumb, unable to Move
"I had never had a Christian tell me I was lost, not even while I was a missionary. Yet, I was as convinced of it as I could be, and still know that God had grace. I did not see myself as spiritually dead--only blind, deaf, dumb and unable to move. How I wished to see and hear, and yet I could not!! God's silence even led me to doubt His love for me."
Post #38 See: Stages 2-3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. #38.

(This young man was caught in every Stage of The Pattern. The "damned if you do, and damned if you don't" dilemma paralyzes the mind with its no-win snare and leaves the individual confused, full of self-blame and a stranger to his own legitimate needs.)

Psychological Cannibalism
"The more I questioned and tried to make sense of my life, I would have these awful feelings of anxiety because I was sure Satan was slowly tempting me "into carnal security" and other such nonsense. The years of conditioning had solidified a great many anxieties in me. What angers me now is not what was conditioned into me, but what was not allowed to grow because of that conditioned and paranoid environment, namely a sense of well-being and security, a sense of true self, and self esteem. I've realized many years later now that much of my anxiety had little to do with Satan and a lot to do with defense mechanisms being shaken and pulled at. Defense mechanisms that shored up a great amount of turbulence and instability at home and in my young life, and years of cruel emotional treatment by this religion."
Post #65 See: Stages 7, 8. #65.

Psychological Cannibalism - Loss of the Personal in all Relationships and the Will to Live
"Throughout the whole of my adult life, I have ran and hid, side-stepped and avoided, fabricated and lied to avoid upsetting mom and dad. This has been the predominant mode of operation in this and most Mormon families as long as I can remember. There is no open, free exchange of ideas in this family because it's taboo to upset mom and dad or question the dogmatic status-quo. You don't share your personal beliefs, fears, doubts, dreams, concepts, theories, discoveries, attitudes, opinions, and views because it will just upset mom and dad. You keep your personal, family, and marital problems locked tightly away from prying eyes until they fester into a cancer that eats away at your will to live because you don't want to upset mom and dad."
Post #67 See: Stage 8. #67.

cover Four parts from this Web site have been edited and published. The book is titled, "The Pattern of the Double-Bind in Mormonism." Part I describes The Nature of The Pattern and the Double-Bind; it defines and gives examples of what The Pattern is, how it is used in different stages - and what results are incurred in each stage. Parts II and III present personal experiences of The Pattern in the lives of former members of the Mormon church. The last section, Part IV, gives a Summary of The Pattern and its antidote ... in How to Free Oneself from The Pattern.

This book is not just about Mormonism. It is about a universal pattern. Since The Pattern is a form of illogical logic, it is difficult to detect without knowing its stages and where they lead. Once seen, it can be arrested, and disentanglement is possible ... wherever it may be found.

Next Page: The Pattern in Marriage and Family Relationships

bookmark this page