Please help! It's been about a week since I've realized that the Church isn't true. There is no way I would ever knowingly put my belief and support behind a man like Joseph Smith. So evil. But my entire world is upside down! I've hardly been able to eat anything in 3 days, and I wake up every morning in an anxiety attack--shaking and puking. I don't know who I am or what to believe anymore! And I am too scared to tell any of my member friends what's going on. What do I do next? How do I stop going to Church? I tried going last week and it was too painful. I felt like I was lying to everyone--to myself. I just want to crawl up into a ball and pretend like the Mormon church and everyone in it never existed.

I feel so betrayed. I put everything I am and everything I had into that church. I was convinced that I had received a witness from God that this was the right place to be! I started going to church when I was only 12. I came because it gave me a sense of family and community that I wasn't finding in my own family. Because of that deep need the church met, I never allowed myself to question anything. I never gave myself the time to really ask, "Is this right?" I was too afraid of losing the love I had gained, and the peace I felt.

But then, one day, the dam of doubts broke. I realized that I never could (nor have I ever been able to) support evil things like polygamy, Joseph Smith, and not allowing gays to marry. Not to mention how much the "Mormon guilt" has messed with me psychologically over the years. Always feeling like what I'm doing is never good enough. And heaven-forbid you make any sort of mistake, or else you are considered "unworthy".

But I'm also afraid because of what I feel I'm giving up. The sense of belonging I had every week I went to church. Every hard thing in life was solved for me and given on a silver platter. Life was outlined for me perfectly--expectations, commitments, right and wrong. It's so, so difficult to give up that kind of security. If someone told you that you just had to do A, B, and C and your life would be nothing but happiness, wouldn't you be tempted by that offer? I was, and I plunged into it without a second thought. I trusted everything that was given to me.

But, I guess I'm preaching to the choir here. I'm so glad for groups like this. I just need support and guidance. I don't know what to do, and I would be so grateful to hear advice from everyone who's been through this.

Find a real human being to confide in, someone who won't judge you. Likely it won't be any Mormon friends, but I did find one or two that were liberal enough that they didn't guilt me, but they listened. Better for me were my nevermo and exmo friends. If you can find some exmo meetup group in your area, do it, you sound like you need a listening ear right now.

If you are in Utah or salt lake counties, I would be willing to go out for coffee with you and let you vent your story. Just email me at nottrueblueanymore@gmail.com

This is an emotionally difficult time, take care of yourself. Find friends that will understand.

Chill. Out.

Remember it took years to get programmed up and the shock of un-programming so fast can be very disconcerting.

Decide what your hobbies are and focus on meetup groups that support the things you really want to do in life. This is to build up a new base of friends with like minded activities. you will be losing the assigned friends and friends that are friend only by your association with the church.

It takes time to rebuild yourself into an authentic life.

I was absolutely in your shoes about one year ago. I could hardly sleep or eat for at least a week, and I had my husband behind me. He found the information first and devastated my world by telling me he didn't believe. Just keep reading and studying. The shock will wear off. You will be absolutely thirsty for the knowledge that was hidden from you for so long. It's normal, and necessary. Once you have spent a few months learning, you will feel less shaky, and more confident in your new outlook on life.

You are among friends here!

Yes, you are among friends.

And, what you are experiencing sounds a lot like shock and grief. The physical reaction you are experiencing is not life threatening, you will survive it.

Just breath. You are on the cusp of discovering who you were meant to be before you were told by TSCC & TMBs who you should or must be!

Oh, and there's a great group on FB called Mormon VIP Lounge that you can search for and join. You will find lots of information and be able to ask questions.

"Every hard thing in life was solved for me and given on a silver platter. Life was outlined for me perfectly--expectations, commitments, right and wrong. It's so, so difficult to give up that kind of security."

You said it perfectly, in terms of a cult: it APPEARS that you have been given the Ultimate Universal Truth on a silver platter, but you have to spend most of your time and life WORKING and GIVING for the cult, so where's the silver platter? I read a TBM comment about how great it is to pay tithing: "God gives us everything in life, and we get to keep 90%!"

Once again, I refer to an interview I heard many years ago with a girl who converted to Islam: she said she felt so free because she didn't have to worry about how to dress, how to act, how to live, because the faith told her how to do everything.

That's freedom?

They give you the belief that they give you everything and they give you nothing! You sacrifice everything...your own choice in what you where, drink, eat, who you marry, and where. Everything is meeted out to you in advice. And then you figure out later, that you have possibly done nothing as you would have chosen. And then you are horrified to see that you have not lived your own life. But, some ideal handed to you by someone else. How sad to lose all to a cult!

First of all, hugs. I so could have written this same post a few years ago. A lot of us here will understand what you are going through. Your whole foundation has been ripped out from under you - of course you are scared. You have suffered a very real loss like unto the death of a loved one. You need to treat yourself with the same TLC you would give a best friend whose mom died unexpectedly.

Give yourself time. There is no award for getting away from Mormonism the fastest. Start by dropping the simple things like reading the Book of Mormon, temple attendance etc. If you wear garments, take them off at night first, until you feel comfortable. Also, read up as much as you can stand about both Mormonism and recovering from cults. Some people may debate if Mormonism is a cult but you will see that a lot of what you are dealing with is similar to someone leaving a cult. Knowing how to deal with it will empower you.

Also, find ways to deal with your stress. Massage, exercise, yoga, gardening, meditation - whatever you would do to relax after any bad week at work or school. Don't rush out and try everything forbidden either. Take it slow. I started with a bottle of green tea and only tried what was really "me." I didn't want to do anything to spite Mormonism any more than I wanted to obey it. Realize a lot of people are deceived by this religion. You are just as smart and competent as anyone else. Plus, you are courageous and have integrity. Many people can't even face what you are brave enough to recognize needs to change. You are awesome.

Finally, come here and post and/or keep a journal. Feelings are like farts - often better out than in. Things will make more sense to you and the boogey men you fear in the shadows will disappear when brought out and examined in the light. Remember we are here for you as people were here for us when we were in your place. One more cyber hug. It's going to be OK. Life is so much better outside the church, once you wade through the muck surrounding it.

;) CA girl, looks like we still have work to do with you. You just said, "like unto"! ;)

Oh ugh - I did! LOL.

I need coffee.

" I didn't want to do anything to spite Mormonism any more than I wanted to obey it. " I am so glad you pointed that out. I watch as people leave mormonism and some seem to just jump off a cliff. They do everything the opposite of and become alcoholics, sex aholics, gamblers, dirty and as foul mouthed as possible. Taking up habits just costs money. lol It is not necessary. It's like they go crazy. It is not necessary to drop all and run by doing the extreme in something else.

Find your values. Do it slowly. What matters to you can still matter. I still don't enjoy foul speech. It has such a negative connotation. I do enjoy the occasional swear word. It is handy to release my stress...lol. But, I will never be one to talk about genitals all day. :-\ And I feel like I don't want to hear about other peoples genitals all day. I still think that educated people can rise above...ya know?

I still believe that sex is best done in loving relationships. But, that is me. Doesn't mean I won't do it now with a boyfriend. And I wished my sexual development had been normal and not been through a life of shaming! But, again, I will probably never sleep around randomly.

But, I guess now these things are a real choice. When a mormon, I never had a choice to sleep with a boyfriend tha tI was in love with. And I'm sad over that.

Well, I am rambling. But, thank you for posting your thoughts.

Exmos who simply rush out and dress, drink, vote, live, and talk the way they think is opposite to the morg are not fully or authentically recovered.

Better to find out who you are and plan what you want to suit yourself not simply react in opposite contrary and sometimes ineffective or destructive ways. That's what two year olds tend to do when they say no to whatever their parents tell them.

Yeah if you go out and do the opposite you're in trouble. The church weaves good decisions with crippling psychology. Let go of the psychology try to find better reason to make good decisions. There are some dumb things, but you need to think rationally about your decisions.

Somethings really do impair your future decisions.

If you do the opposite, the church is still in control of you. Don't do the opposite of anything, do what is authentically you, and that will take some time to figure out.

Embrace the new path and travel it with a free heart as you discover all there is.

If it is of any help to you, I felt the same 5 years ago. Now? I have never been happier, my marriage has never been better, and our kids have never been more grounded and thoughtful.

Read the poem "The Guest House" by Rumi; may help you.

Best to all,

Merrill

Find a community
- meet up .com can help you find exmormon events near you
- postmormon.org

Watch some uplifting videos
- http://www.youtube.com/user/iamanexmormon (well done interviews, helped me to know that I wasn't alone in what I experianced)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/28/2013 12:46PM by jonathantech.

Read a good exit strategy book

life after mormonism .net ("Exit Strategy: A Guide to Leaving Mormonism with Your Dignity and Integrity Intact")

Seek help from a therapist (preferably non-mormon)
goodtherapy .org

It gets better!

Thank you so much, everyone. I can't tell you how good it feels not to think I'm crazy. I am very lucky. My husband, too, is behind me. He actually is one to bring it up. I was a stalwart mormon until he brought up some questions he had. I panicked when he told me, but it didn't take long before I realized the crap load of doubts I was carrying around. It was relieving at first, but slowly grew to be terrifying.

It's so nice to be able to admit these things to people. I really appreciate the advice, too. Thank you. Thank you.

I am actually in the LA area in California :( Thank you, though, for the offer.

You guys are so great.

Your story is like mine, and it happened about a year ago. My hubby told me he didn't believe, and three weeks later I also realized it was all crap. It's been an amazing year, full of firsts and full of discovery. You have a lot to look forward to!!

Hey, that's great news. It is the two of you together. You have an automatic support system that way, and can turn to each other. This will pass, give it time. It is a lot to take in all at once. :)

I joined, at first, for the social and family atmosphere (after all, I was only 12). But I've always had a love for God, and realized my love for Christ. Once I started questioning the church, I questioned if God even existed, or if Christ was truly who he said he was. I still don't know, but it doesn't feel right to abandon that belief right now. I have been clinging to God and Christ for dear life these past few days, praying non-stop.

I'm sorry, I meant to send that reply to a different person.

I thought much the same as you. I thought surely I wouldn't stop believing in Christ or God. I've thought about it a lot, and I do believe that Christ was a real person, but I realized that I don't want to believe in a God who would rather see his son killed than to just forgive us, so I rejected the idea of Christ as a savior. I accept him as a great teacher, with immense love, and a good example to me of how to treat others. You will find your own stopping place, where you feel comfortable, and it will just be a matter of time. If you would like to ask more about my story, and how I ended up where I am, feel free to email me at twoojedis at gmail. (yes, two oo's).

Relax. It'll get better. Just takes time.

In denominations other than Mormonism, people generally join a church so they can follow the call to deepen their relationship with Christ. The church is a community of people with a common goal of serving God. If this was the reason you joined, it may interest you to know that Christ exists outside the church. Or did you just join a social club?

I joined, at first, for the social and family atmosphere (after all, I was only 12). But I've always had a love for God, and realized my love for Christ. Once I started questioning the church, I questioned if God even existed, or if Christ was truly who he said he was. I still don't know, but it doesn't feel right to abandon that belief right now. I have been clinging to God and Christ for dear life these past few days, praying non-stop.

Then don't deal with your belief in God right now. Leave it for now.
Believe me, there's a much more immediate issue here.
You have to learn what it's like to exist in the wider world. Mormonism, as I'm sure you've discovered, is an extremely narrow and small world.
You have to learn how to be normal. Experiment with living life outside of the regulations of being a Mormon. You're not Mormon anymore, so you're at the same time everything and nothing because the world is a new one for you. Take your time and explore average, everyday living among average, everyday people...and take it from there. Don't feel like you have to rush into anything or accept anything on good faith.

Some ardent exmos have been out for decades and don't consume alcohol. Because they found that they simply don't care for it. Some don't wear sleeveless shirts, some wouldn't touch coffee with a 30 foot pole. But they all made those choices for themselves, not because they felt that God would despise them because of it.

This is your life now, you are no longer sister so-and-so. You get to determine your path from here on out. Even the most religious among us would advise you to follow your conscience in everything. Trust yourself and your heart first, and don't be afraid to ask questions and dig down to the roots!

Best of luck, darlin'!!

Remember: some whiplash is only to be expected during a sudden and drastic paradigm shift. :)

I'm not making light of your situation; honestly I'm not. Breathe. You are exactly the same person you were before you found out; you just have more information now. No church/belief/faith/religion defines *you*--only you get to do that. So...the most important thing(s) haven't changed.

"Every hard thing was solved for (you)..."? Not really. You were put in the position of being a child again--told what to do, when to do it, how to do it and got a pat on the head (sometimes) when you did what you were told. Whether that thing was best for *you* (unlikely) or had a good outcome for TSCC (much more likely). Congratulations! You've just become an adult again--the decisions are yours, as they should be. You are a sovereign human being and no one has a right to take away your sovereignty. Things will likely be hard for awhile. You'll need to relearn how to decide what to do and how to do it. Instead of, "What would the RS/SP/Bishop want me to do?" it'll be, "What do *I* want to do?"

Enjoy your freedom! May your transition be a quick one.

You've expressed so well what many have experienced but couldn't admit or face for a long time.

Take it an hour, then a day at a time. That's why we use the word "recover" because it's almost like an illness to leave a cult which felt like a safe harbor to go out into a vast never-never land.

You're not alone. We're all standing by, clapping, and cheering for you.

It may help to constantly remind yourself of what you are GAINING.


Your life now truly belongs to you.

Your money and time now belong to you.

You are now entitled to own your own unique ideas, and feelings, and expressions, and activities.

You can now donate you time and money as you may please - and personally see the good it does. You can demand accountability in return for the efforts you offer.

Your time is now free to do the tings that have the greatest priority to you, not to someone else in power over you (someone you may not even know or respect).

You are now free to shop through a galaxy of other belief systems. You may easily discover that many are vastly superior to the Mormon dogmas that have disappointed you.

And always remember this one final FACT:

Our Earth is just packed full of perfectly happy, fulfilled and productive people who have never been Mormons - and would't even dream of being Mormons!

Because you are now free - you CAN be one of them!

REJOICE !

Apparently, Mormonism was a much needed help to you at age 12.
But you are in a better position now and you don't need that crutch any longer.

Chalk it up to a learning experience and realize that people outgrow belief systems.

Mormonism is based on a false premise, now you are old enough to embrace a more universal and less restrictive outlook.

I know what you're going through. I left in December of 2012. It has been hard to make myself get out and find something to replace TSCC. Two weeks ago I attended a Unitarian church and transition group meeting and last week I met with a group of Ex Mormons. It's hard when you have to go alone, but once you get there, you'll see that most of the people are there by themselves. The people are friendly and at least you can see that you're not the only normal person going through this abnormal experience. Leaving a cult is not something that most people in the world have to do.

I know what you mean about trying to hang on to your belief in Christ and God. I'm caught between an Atheist daughter and a Christian daughter and I don't know what to believe anymore. I think that for right now, I'm going to take a note from Scarlet O'Hara and think about it tomorrow. Maybe a break from religion would be good for you as well.

Good luck on your journey. Be good to yourself.