I would be remiss if I did not share my testimony with you today, for I am so moved by the spirits (wine in this case).
I'd like to bear my testimony that I know the TSCC is not true. I know that Joseph Smith liked to get it on with underage girls and other mens' wives. I have a sure witness that Brigham Young took this to an even greater level. Brothers and sisters, the Smithsonian is the country's historical authority on the earth today, and has told us that the Book of Mormon is not true. We will come closer to joy and true peace when we follow the words of the Smithsonian. I testify that TSCC changes its doctrines more often than my wife changes outfits when she is going to a big event. I know without doubt that the church manipulates its members to take their money, keep them compliant, and hide the truth from them.
I want to share how grateful I am that I can drink coffee, have smoking hot sex with my wife, and participate in truly intellectual discussions. Finally brothers and sisters, I am tearing up here - I promised myself I wouldn't cry today - but I feel such emotion that I must share this final thing with you. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, with every fiber of my being, that Boyd K. Packer is one scary dude.
I'd like to bear my testicles to show I know RfM is true and that Susan I/S is a goddess among men and that having more than one wife can give you a headache and result in flacidity and that my girlfriend is true and that Katniss Everdeen is real and living in Cut 'n Shoot Texas and that if you try to shove a 1' tall replica of the Empire State Building up your butt that it really, REALLY hurts and that Jif peanut butter is the true nectar of the gods and that tittie bars aren't as bad as most people make them out to be.
Brothers and Sisters, the spirit has been so strong today. I could not sit there in silence any longer. The spirit keeps prompting me to share my testiphony.
Yesterday, as I was driving to work, I saw two humble (chunky) Elders walking along looking for someone with whom to share the message of the restored gospel. And the spirit said to me "Madiran, why don't you find someone for these representatives of Christ to teach?" So I followed the spirit and when I got to work, I axed two people at work what they knew about the church. Well it turns out one of them is a JW and the other is a bitter apostate. Neither had any interest and basically told me to leave them alone. Now I am on probation with my boss for talking religion at work.
Your testimony has inspired me today. I was sitting in the back trying to ignore the promptings of the holy spirits. When I heard brother mobegone speak I knew that I had to speak too, because I'm a goddamn attention whore who cannot let someone else appear more righteous than I am. Also, here is my tithing envelope Bishop, just to drive the point home.
I have been going through a really hard time lately but I'm grateful for all the challenges. It was hard to see my children abducted this week by wild dogs, but I knew the Lard was testing me to see if I would remain true, faithful and unabashedly intrusive. So I did the right thing. I visited some non-members. I took those bastards cookies to get the door open. Then I threw the book at them. You know what book I mean. The one true book. It hit the father square in his nuts. The spirit was strong as I rebuked them for their sloth. By the way they have a pet sloth.
The Lord is proud of the faithful who serve him. I guess what I'm saying is I know that the Lard is proud of me. I'm just so damned righteous. More than you probably. No not probably. I'm better than you. I testify of it.
I wasn't going to say this, but the spirit is so strong with me right now that I know the Lord wants me to say this. Brother's and sisters we have to do better. We need to bear stronger, more self-righteous testimonkeys. Brother mobegone has said some powerful things, but seriously, nice try man, I'm the truly righteous one. What the hell are you doing in my limelight man? Anyway I wouldn't say that but a goddamn angel is holding a flaming sword to my nipples.
So always remember this: two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do. RaptorJesus went extinct for your sins. YOU CAUSED HIM PAIN YOU FILTHY PEOPLE PAIN! BLOOD FROM EVERY ORIFICE! I love you all very much, some of you I love in a very special way. You are all an inspiration to me, so I want you to all feel inspired by my amazingly nonsensical words and inexplicable emotions.
In the name of Jesus Christ, even the very Lord Jesus Christ, Even the very Jesus Christ. Even He. Even So. Even, even. Even Stephen. Even the very even of even. The Lord. Even. Gay men.
Edit: Even. (Needed another even).
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/31/2011 06:17PM by The Man in Black.
I just had to get back up here, the spirits are so strong. Brother TheManinBlack has shared some wonderful things with us today. He truly is a choice spirit, and someday I believe he will be privileged to serve me from his post in a lower kingdom and glory.
The spirits constrained me from sharing this with you, but now I feel prompted that this is the time to share it. Brothers and sisters, the Lard has long intended me to be the next president and prophet of the church. However, because of your unfaithfulness - because you do not have the strength of wisdom, righteousness, and testimony which I possess - He has decided to curse you by removing me from this future position. The church will never reach its full potential without me at the helm, and unless you repent you will reap what you sow.
I also testify to each of you brothers, that as the great prophet of this century, I have claim to each of your wives and/or daughters provided they are hot. I will passing around this sign-up sheet for them to come over to my house, two-by-two, as is the way of the gospel. I know, with every fiber of my being, that you will know great blessings from your obedience to this precept.
You are all so blessed to have me in your midst, of this I testify, humbly, in the name of him who speaks all these things to my mind and often tells me to look in your windows at night, yea, even he who is the great one of whom I speak, verily even the Lard. Even. Even. Even 1 more time than Brother TheManinBlack said. Plus one more even for good measure. Amen.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/31/2011 11:59PM by mobegone.
I would like to thank the previous bishop of this ward for showing me what the true priority of this organization is-cash, and temple work, and you can't do your temple work unless you pay cash. I would also like to thank my wife, and my children, and my hometeachers, and I want to thank the Stake president, the area seventies, and I also want to thank my dog. My cat, not so much, because it hardly ever comes around, only if it wants food, and it never comes when I call its name. But my dog has always been there for me unconditionally. In fact, one time, my dog saved my life, and it barks when dangerous strangers come around. I truly think my dog is inspired. And it doesn't demand cash. It only wants food, and love. In the name of Ralston Purina, Amen.
I want to bear my testamoney that leaving tscc in true. I was exed for being gay. I thought being gay was to be happy with the church. I have learned the only way to truly be gay is to leave tscc. I have learned so much leaving tscc and reading this board. I have felt the spirit move me many times. I have learned the truth about the joy of keeping my money from the church. My wallet has overflowed with bills to spend. The less you give the more you have. What a big blessing that has been. In closing I must bear witnesses that without tscc I am gayer with more money then I have ever been. I say this in JS name, want aman