I have a favorite go-to come back when I am asked rude or personal questions by rude or just plain nosy people.

It goes like this (this really happened):

Boss: How many children ARE you going to have???
Me: How much money do you have in the bank?
Boss: WHAT!??
Me: Oh, I thought this is the part of our conversation where we get to ask each other questions that are none of our business. (Pause for effect, notice odd and confused expression on boss' face)
Me: I guess not, my bad. But, thanks for asking!

Oh, btw, my response to boss was followed by a very long moment of silence on HIS part.

He appeared to have been under attack from sudden on set of hemorrhoids. He then changed the subject and acted like it never happened.

The "You butt into my life and you give me tacit approval to butt into your life" approach. I like it.

"What church do you go to?"

"When you and your husband have sex, what's your favorite position?"

"WHAT? That's none of your business!"

"Neither is my religion."

Her: "What church do you go to?"

Me: "When you and your husband have sex, what's your favorite position?"

Her: "Oh I like it doggy style with a bit of spanking..."

Me: ....?

On occasion when the above backfire happens...answer her question about religion. She earned it!!
Lol.

Me: "Me too! Especially blindfolded!"

Wait. Was that TMI?

;>P

yes, but here in South Mississippi the phrase "So. What churchyagotohon?" is seen as a friendly first time greeting. While most folks mean absolutely no harm in asking I've noticed if you're not from round here you can tell how judgmental a person is by how long the pause is between 'so' and the rest of the question as they eye you up and down.

Good one.

Besides rude questions, I have one for when people say things that are ridiculously and obviously devoid of fact and truth, like this gem I got from a TBM once:

TBM: Joseph Smith never slept with any of his young wives, or any of them besides Emma. It was a spiritual thing.


Me: Look. I was born at night, but it wasn't LAST night.

With overly personal questions, I respond in various ways, depending on how irritated I am.

I'm sorry, that's personal.
Why do you want to know?
Why in the world do you think that's any of your business?
Wow, what a rude thing to say!
Pardon me, but I'm not sure I heard you right; did you really just say...

I love to lightheartedly turn it back to embarrass them.

"Wow, nosy much?"

Or, "why does that feel like a loaded question?"

If you don't want to answer a question, you just make a comment about the question.....works like a charm.

To nosey Homteachers, Bishops, RS Pres., and Mishes:

"I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in"

"People like you are the reason they made the morning after pill.'

"Pardon me, you must have mistaken me for someone who gives a damn"

"I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?"

"I just farted to make you smell better."

"Are your parents siblings"

"Remember when I asked your opinion? Me neither?"

There is the stand by: "Why do you need to know that?"
That usually puts a pause in the conversation and you can change the subject!

Nosey Jewish Junior Diplomat's wife, to Mormon Senior Diplomat's wife: "How much does your husband make?"

Mormon Senior Diplomat's wife: "More than yours makes."

(True story - the Mormon wife was my mom.)

I stopped going to my home ward over a year ago. Occasionally I run into a ward member, but it is rare here in an area with less than 2% per capita who are registered Morgbots.

Example 1) When I get a question from two specific members who are lawyers (one is our stake president), I ALWAYS say,

"I can't answer that question without my attorney being present."

Example 2) There is a very nosey CES seminary teacher who has the nicest house in the ward whose husband is an MD. She has gotten an ear full from me. My favorite response is,

"I'm sorry but I can't answer that question - you know - it's the Mormon judgmental gossip whoremongering."

She gets really offended and has this look of "what ... me?" She acts so self-righteous as a CES teacher, a wealthy temple worker, and the queen bee of the ward.

My motto is: The less they know, they less they can criticize.

Usually that works, but sometimes they just gossip because they have nothing better to do with their pathetic self-righteous lives - and for Morgbots, that is normal and acceptable behavior.

I give as little information to my huge extended family (2-300) since they are the worst at the gossip whoremongering. Now that I'm no longer a believer - the daggers are starting to fly, and the phone calls and emails have practically stopped. On one hand - I must have a contagious disease, and on the other - they say how much they miss me 'cause I'm so fun to be around.

EDIT: Others have already said it, but I have used occasionally, "What's your favorite sexual position?" I've never had a reply, just stunned looks. I used it once to the women who became the temple matron of the Oakland Temple. She once asked me as I was walking from the foyer into the chapel for Sacrament Meeting, "How's your love life?" To which I replied, "What's your favorite sexual position?" She was mortified! I just loved it.

P.S. Over the years, I've become known as quick witted and usually on the irreverent side of conversations. I approach my congregation logically. I usually have them in gasps followed seconds later with laughter. Then another story that embarrasses the heck out of one of the members or myself - followed by tons of tear-roaring laughter. I'm not the general conference kind of speaker. And while I have them laughing their heads off, I always make a quick close in the name of JC. Amen. I sit down and wait 30 seconds or so for them to calm down.

Now that I am a "honest" man and a "truth seeker" there's a price on my head, I am a apostate and probably won't give a talk again.



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 09/13/2013 07:16PM by jiminycricket.

I posted about this before, but it's been a few years. I did something similar to silence the boundary-challenged in one of our wards.

We lost a baby and then weren't able to have more kids. The ward hens and the "concerned" priesthood holders thought it was their business to question me about when we were going to have a baby. Why were we delaying the sacred duty of providing bodies for all those spirits waiting in heaven? I heard all the cruel comments about not wanting to ruin my figure or not wanting to give up our two-income lifestyle. They had no idea or just didn't care how much salt their accusations poured in an already very deep wound.

I'm a pretty private person and would usually deflect the questions, but one lovely Sunday one of the worst repeat-offenders confronted me in the chapel after sacrament meeting and asked why we were delaying getting pregnant.

It wasn't planned but something snapped inside me. I asked her what her favorite sex position was. She was shocked, embarrassed, and gloriously struck dumb, so I let her twist for a few seconds and then said, "Oh, I thought we were playing that 'let's ask each other inappropriate questions' game." She never asked me again, nor did those who were in the gossip grapevine.

Didn't stop them from thinking it, no doubt, but it stopped them from asking it.

Love it!

Helping my parents move into their new house about a decade, they had a few morgbots helping as well, I live in the same city but quite a distance a way, no where near my parents ward or even stake.

I introduce myself to one of the morgbots and he says:

"Oh I've seen your name on a list."

My reply:

"Wow, that's really a creepy thing to say."

We did not have children when we first moved into our home and continued our childless state for another 5 years.

The biggest ward gossip lived next door and would work the "when are you going to have children" question into every conversation.

One day, DH was prepared with the answer: "we had three but the judge took them away".

He didn't tell me what he had said until I commented a few months later that several people in the neighborhood seemed to be purposely avoiding me and wouldn't engage in conversation when I did see them.

My best response has been: "Did your parents ever have any children that lived?" Shuts em up everytime!

For once in my life I actually had a snappy reply for someone.

I work with a guy that has no boundaries and loves to argue with people about religion and politics.

I was having a bad day already when he cornered me and said, "Bezoar, would you consider yourself a liberal or a conservative?"

I just looked at him and said, "I'm not going to be happy until there is a government run abortion clinic in every elementary school."

He was speechless and avoided me for months afterward.

Them: "What church do you go to?"
Me: "I'm a Jacksonian. We believe Michael Jackson came to earth and danced our sins away,"

them: Hey what Church do you go to?

me: you stepped in what?

Consider this smoke up your skirt! But I like (don't always agree w/) what you write.

You SHOULD be playing your own tune.

Ward member asks you a snoopy quesion.

Answer: Well thanks. You just answered the question I've been having as to why you are considered to be the snoopiest person in the Ward.

Very helpful for almost all recovering exmos.

I was at the hospital with my 5 year old daughter, my brother & my sister waiting for my dad to get out of surgery. My daughter was helping me hold my sisters baby when the woman next to me said " look how good she is with the baby you need to give her a sister or brother". I looked at her, got misty eyed and said "I just thank god every day that I was able to have one" she looked shocked and moved to the other side of the room. My brother said well that was mean. I said that's what she gets for asking such a personal question to a stranger.