I lost my marriage and then my kids after leaving. I miss them horribly. I visit them when I can afford to, given the bad economy and difficulty holding a job. I call them, but the ex tries to keep them busy and is angered that I am an apostate. She blames me for all the problems they have and she has. It hurts. I can't talk with family completely about my feelings of deep pain at missing the kiddos. All my family just judge me and say it's what happens when you leave and lose your eternal family. I'm too new where I live for good friendships still. I just needed to vent and have someone acknowledge my pain. Go back to your normal biz here.

I'm sure that some of us live near you, but no matter you aren't alone.

Why? Because you have to acknowledge pain and suffering to live outside of it's grasp.

I think you on the right path.

You probably love your kids a lot!

And they love you too.

They are kids and wan't to live in the moment.

Pitying yourself won't help you day to day to get through it all.

Be strong;look to yourself.

I think you are doing the right thing. It is very easy to fall into the trap of carrying all of the guilt that she would like you to carry. coming here will get you sympathy and some sense of direction. I would just recommend you tell yourself that is her perspective, and you know the truth of what the church is. You are really a step above where she is now, and that feels uncomfortable for her, so she will lash out at you. It is probably her problems that she is having such difficulty with. It sounds like you have a lot of integrity to see tscc for what it is and leave. Don't let her bitterness and failures drag you down.

It's hard not to have self-pity when you feel like crap. I filed for the divorce myself because I couldn't live with the freaky TBM crap flinging my way from all sides and especially from the ex who is as controlling as a random traffic-light circuit. Thing is, the kids asked why this happens. She tells them because I am a bad person, who wanted to live an evil lifestyle. So I feel the need to defend and let them know. That involves some subtle discussions about the neurosis of their mom and about my feelings about the morg. She says that my talking smack about the church stresses them. I hate for them to grow up deceived by it and by her. Am I doing wrong by them? They struggle and seem to have lowered their school performance. They're both in counseling (a mormon counselor in UT), and my ex wants to medicate them into passivity. It sux...

My ex is the same. Son depression, my fault, son talks back to her, my fault, son doesn't want to talk to her parents on the phone, my fault, son breaks up with girlfriend and is so depressed he threatens to kill himself, my fault. Why because I have 'confused' him with informing him that he does not have to attend church is he so chooses. He chooses no. So that's whats wrong with him and I'm the cause. The fix of course in the ex's mind is more activity in the church. The church is the fix and the insidiousness of what gets done underhandedly so to get him pointed back in that direction is damned frustrating. The focus should be on sons personal issues and not the church. Its like a virus that's stuck to and slowly eating everything.

I got accused today of "removing" myself from the lives of my other children. Another insidious accusation of which there have been many I assure you. I tend to let my grown children do their thing. I don't insert myself into their lives every stinking day. I do not miss any family events but yet I have "removed" myself. Good effing grief!

I am very familiar with the lack of anyone to talk to. When the family and (now past) friends are around there is still not a soul to talk to. I cry on the way home from work about every third to fourth day. Not sure why it hits me then. I have never been so emotional in my whole life. It just makes me so g-damned angry that I have become in friends and family minds, exactly what becomes of an angry apostate. Lost marriage, living away from family (she has the house) lost 75% custody (now I get blamed for not being around) and the fruits of which stem directly from their reactions to unbelief and justifiably being critical the church not providing "all" the facts.

You can't even begin to discuss the real issues because for the self censoring and automatic offense that believers take.
That is one big effing elephant that gets directly in the way of sincerity.

Its got the be the "Hallmark" channel or "The Truman show" 24X7X365 or there is no sincere discussions.

Medication and church. That's the fix. Puke.

In the TBM universe you choose whether or not to believe.
In reality, reality just happens.
I wasn't looking for an excuse to party or slack off when my testimony collapsed. There was simply an inevitable collision between two paradoxical views.
I HATE the implied or expressed pity, mistrust, and less respect TBMs have for me because of me marching out of step, especially DW. She tells the bishop I'm depressed and need help...correction, I WAS suicidally depressed but now I'm only depressed after having jettisoned the irons of the "gospel".

My TBM parents divorced when I was a kid. Mom never went back to church. Dad almost died of depression, then crawled back to marginal activity.

I went on a mission of my own volition. I always wished mom would "get it" and come back. She tolerated 18 years of innuendo from me until I "got it" and told her she's right about Mormonism, it's a crock (and it's NOT my fault that it's a crock, it just is).

There's a good chance those who belittle you now will "get it" someday, ESPECIALLY your kids.

The church effectively blackmails you by saying that you've lost your family if you don't live by their terms. But your kids are yours without any "authority" needed.

I bet they come looking for you.

I have been through this with my husband re his son (my stepson) and my bio son re my grandchildren. None of which are mormons but custody battles are the same the world over, sadly. I would suggest reading as much as you can about parental alienation syndrome -- when one bio parent brainwashes the children against the other bio parent. Its real and more and more the courts are taking notice.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I have walked in your shoes.

Pointing out your ex's neurosis may be seen as an attempt at alienation and should be avoided. Rule number 1 is do not dis the ex in front of the children. On the other hand you should document every time she interfeers with your communication with your children, or tells them your a bad person. Love your kids, whenever you can, do something fun with them. but do not make church an issue, answer questions calmly if asked but never bring it up. Treat them as thinking individuals. You can talk to them about your beliefs and how one should not assume that what you are taught is true. Explore magical thinking with them. Teach them to ask questions and think locically and to be suspicious of anyone who claims to have all the truth. How people of other faiths have similar convictions about why their faith is mor truthier than any others. That ones religious preference is almost entirely influenced by where on earth you were born. A consistant God would not set up such a system.

I have no idea how far you are from you kids but maybe you should relocat to within an easy commute (same school district is ideal) and sue for regular visitation or joint 50/50 custody.

I've been down the road you are on, I lost my faith and the x couldnt reconcile that in her own mind. Bitterness took over the house and she ran off with the 2 youngest (her worst mistake). It took me 6 months to file papers myself, then hire a lawyer when I realized I was in over my head. At the first hearing the judge placed the kids back in my home awarded the home to me and after the dust cleared I had custody and my children are much better off.

"Pointing out your ex's neurosis may be seen as an attempt at alienation and should be avoided. Rule number 1 is do not dis the ex in front of the children."

I fully agree and practice this myself. It is hard.

Hang in there and know you are not alone. Before leaving the church I had no idea what pain and suffering is being introduced into peoples families in the name of god. I am experiencing it myself (to a much smaller degree) and it is hard to find hope to hang on to sometimes. It really is the only thing which is beginning to create animosity between me and the church.

Why can't the church back off and preach the gospel of Jesus where everyone is accepted and loved unconditionally!

This is hard, but you've got to ignore what other people think of you. Find new friends who will support you in your courageous new life.
Feel free to be honest with your children about your beliefs. As their parent, you have the right, regardless of what your ex thinks. The most important thing I tell my kids is that everyone believes something different and they can find what works for them, whatever that is. I Emphasize I will love them no matter what they choose. I take them to different churches and make it a point to have friends among other races and cultures because I don't want their thinking dominated by wonder-bread mormonism. If you educate them, they will be better able to make good choices.
Last, but not least, NEVER say a bad word about your ex. Children include their parents in their identity, and when you put down your ex, your putting down your child. Rise above the nastiness and do not become part of it, for your children's sake and yours.
I know what you're going through to some degree, my divorce was finalized over the summer. Not only did I lose my family the way I knew it, I lost my faith, my culture, most of my friends and a large part of my identity.
It's hard, but you and your kids are worth it.

I know this feeling only too well. I'm sorry for you! The only thing I know to do is say it out like you did, and try to be busy. The best way to fight back is to be very very happy and enjoy your life. It is what it is and you can't go back.

+1
Agree with Suckafoo.

Be happy and live the life you haven't been able to in the past because of the church. The sky's the limit now!!!

Send them notes, cards, texts, emails, whatever you can to stay connected most days. Children really need that, and you really need that. They're remember your notes years into the future. Don't let depression or pain or distance prevent you from reaching out and staying in touch as much as you can because that will make it worse. I'm sorry for your pain. It's not fair.

And go ahead and cry, it's actually very good for you. It changes your body chemistry, releases stress and brings healing. I worry about men who don't cry.

I hope things get better for you.

a LIVING HELL. It was for me. I'm 15 years down the road now (I'm not divorced, but separated for 15 years). Everyone tells me I'm very much emotionally divorced though.

The thing to remember is--you really don't have to say ANYTHING to your kids. Do what others have said--do things for them. The most important thing you can do is LOVE THEM.

Kids aren't stupid. They can figure things out on their own IN TIME.

AND I had a very ugly separation for a while and my ex didn't have much to do with the kids (even though I allowed him to see them or talk to them at any time--he was kind of busy living his own life). NOW he is very much a part of their lives and they have a good relationship with him. And I'm in a long-term relationship.

There are difficulties on either side. I think it is horrible when the father doesn't get to see his kids much--which is why I did what I did. I KNEW my kids needed their dad. No other man will ever love your kids like you do--no matter what some women may think. Just love them. Give yourself time to heal. Life does get better. Take my word for it.

Hey - ANON4THIS -

Take my word from a fellow sufferer, where wife got *SOLE* custody. However bad it seems, bonds between fathers and children are never broken ..They are half your DNA and half the DNA of the exe. I don't know how old you children are but if you can afford it, get them cheap cell phones, or arrange with a friend at your previous location to let them call you at a set time, on the friend's phone. Be creative and always have a no questions asked open door policy.

When they get to be 18, your half of their DNA will come shining through. If "YOUR" parents are alive, maintain contact through the children's grandparents. NEVER forget their Birthday's and Christmas.

As my children turned 18 -- 2.1/2 of my 4 children totally identified with me. They will return to you

Good luck
JB

Cheers, man. Tears if you gott'em. You're exactly the kind of person I don't forgive the LSD church for abandoning when they're in need.

A lot of us still believe in caring. Hope tomorrow is better for you, or the next day, etc.