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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 11:49AM

DH and I recently returned from visiting my 94 year old mother in her care facility in Utah.

It was sad that she only recognized us after we told her who we were over and over during the first half hour of the visit. The morning went satisfactorily. Overall, with effort we were able to make ourselves heard and she understood and held up her side of the conversation off and on.

The afternoon was much worse. She talked in meaningless circles and asked non-sense questions for hours. It was sad that she couldn't remember how many children she had or where she used to live or what she did before going to the rest home.

Still, I felt our visiting was probably a good thing for her. We brought her a special lunch and flowers and talked about old times while she dozed and tried to focus at times.

Once home, we went out one evening and returned to a phone message from TBM sister (the one with twelve kids.) She said we'd left "coats and things" in mother's room and wanted us to call back immediately.

A little later we got an email from exmo brother in S. CA. He said she'd called him because we weren't home. She said we left "coats and things" in mother's room and if we'd call her she might concede to give me a table that had belonged to mother. Nope, we had left nothing and we didn't want the table.

I told exmo brother this and I plan to let him know that if anyone in the family wants to tell me something or get information, he need not bother to be a messenger.

I was already annoyed with this TBM sister because my younger most wonderful exmo sister has the worst kind of terrible lymphoma and is undergoing painful and sometimes biopsies, chemo and worse treatments.

This lovely sister didn't want Utah relatives to know because they'd harass her with crazy ideas. The messenger brother called them and told but said not to harass the sick sister.

What did TBM woman do within the hour? Call sick atheist sis and tell her she could cure lymphoma by drinking carrot juice, a special herbal tea, and "praying really, really, really hard." TBM lady said she had cured herself of lymphoma this way and threw in that she had also cured herself of breast cancer, the disease I'm fighting.

Younger sis asked if she'd had any blood tests, biopsies, or other tests. No, not necessary. Big sis knew she had those diseases and went to the health food store and to HF for the cures.

So, I am miffed at her self righteous arrogance and her disrespect for my very ill other sister. I am much less annoyed with my exmo brother who is playing into her TBM games but I don't think he needed to rat out our little sis.

The table? Mother put my name on the bottom of it and I hoped I might have it, but really, I don't want or need it at this point. It seems to be some kind of bribe or come on. Objects are not worth the quibbling and I don't plan to bother.

I'm just having a very hard time with this TBM sister's crazy antics right now.

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Posted by: Once More ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 12:21PM

The inability to be a true friend, or even a truly supportive family member really shows up in some mormons when stress and/or illness enters the picture.

If it looks like and sounds like inhumanity and general weirdness, it is inhumanity and general weirdness.

The only effective defense is avoidance.

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Posted by: pathfinder ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 12:59PM

If you didn't leave anything in your mothers room, then what is she talking about coats and stuff? Is just trying to get you to call / come back to see her?
While natural foods can be healthy and good for you, just drinking some carrot juice and anything of the like is not going to cure cancer. She is delusional in thinking a drink of something and much prayer will cure your little sister. If that were the case the Children's hospital's would be empty. What's more precious/sincere then a child's prayer? And they love juice drinks of all kinds. According to tscc a child is not accountable until 8, so really all the need is some juice and Wa-la. All well. That's not how the real world works.
I sincerely hope your sister gets better.

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Posted by: Devoted Exmo ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 01:02PM

I'm sorry for the stress and annoyance. Your sister is an amazing study in selfrighteous selfishness.

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Posted by: CL2 ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 01:09PM

when your mother dies. I'm only now speaking to my older sister after 5 years. I'm the one who had to make the peace--and it was me she threw out of the family when our parents died. I was sick of the fighting. I'm just very careful what I do and say.

My other sister sided with my older sister for a year and then had a fallout with the older sister.

I didn't dare take ANYTHING either--as there was always a cost, a very high cost. When my older sister decided there were things she really didn't want AFTER ALL, then I took them.

We had an all out war in our family when my parents died. Of course, the sister who is TBM is the one who caused all the problems. The rest of us are out of the lds church except our disabled brother.

This is ONLY the beginning. It is good you went to see your mother. You will be glad you did. You'll figure out a way to handle the fallout. I did have to cut my sister out of my life for a long time--meaning I didn't get to have anything to do with her kids (I told them I wouldn't ask them to take sides)--who I was VERY close to. Her sons have chosen to come back into my life. My niece, who I was like a second mother to, I still never talk to. It rips my heart out.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/27/2013 01:10PM by cl2.

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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 05:00PM

If TBM sister was okay with me having the table with my name written on it, she would have sent it when my California sister and husband went there with a truck to help her clear and sell Mom's house. Big sis said then that the table was to be hers and that was what I expected and accepted. I had no problem at all with it because a table is just an object and I have many nice things and can buy whatever I need and want.

But this current table concession doesn't feel right. I don't want to have anything under the circumstances. I long ago said I was fine without that table and I meant it. I'm still fine.

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Posted by: rexburgtoaz ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 01:16PM

Cheryl, I'm sorry to hear this. Families are so crazy aren't they. I wish you the best.

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Posted by: slipperyslope ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 01:19PM

So, so sorry for all the misery. You seem very together. I admire how you are handling things.
Do you live in UT where you have close proximity to your mother and sisters?

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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 01:53PM

Mother and the two crazy older TBM siblings live in Utah.

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Posted by: sonoma ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 02:09PM

Hey Cheryl
Sorry to hear about the health problems that your family is dealing with. It's made so much worse by the stress that TBM thoughtlessness adds to it. Hopefully some distance will bring relief.

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Posted by: Brother Of Jerry ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 02:49PM

Sorry to hear about your troubles with siblings. Mormon penchant for delusion and denial gets particularly weird and annoying when serious or chronic illness is involved. They crank the dial up to 11 on their magical thinking machine.

I haven't had to deal directly with dementia in the family, but the usual vagaries of aging are quite enough to deal with. Best wishes to you and your mom.

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Posted by: Tahoe Girl ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 03:59PM

I feel for you, Cheryl. There's lots of crazy in my family of origin also.


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Posted by: Louisianaapostate ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 04:53PM

And that means getting them to come back to the cult. By any means necessary.


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Posted by: Helen ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 05:11PM

I can imagine the sadness to see that your mother didn't know you and to hear her talking in meaningless circles. That's tough to deal with.

That was hard enough I expect but to have your TBM sister behave like she did and does is horrendous. That you and you sister both are dealing with difficult illness is difficult enough but to have TBM sister tell your younger sister she has cured herself of the diseases you and your younger sister have is cruel.
Cruel almost seems like too "soft" of a word to explain TBM sister"s behaviour.

Cheryl I hope you are feeling well and that your RX is helping and sorry your younger sister is having such a hard time.

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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 05:23PM

I appreciate yours and the other kind and wise thoughts expressed here.

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Posted by: iris ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 05:39PM

Cheryl, I'm sorry your mom is going through this, and your family's troubles dealing with the crazy sister. Luckily your younger sister has you to turn to. I'm sending good thoughts your direction.

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Posted by: deja vue ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 06:13PM

In my opinion, the one who is really off the deep end here is TBM sister..Not your mother. At least your mother is not showing signs of fear like your sister is. (Religion reeks of fear and what propels it forward)

I suspect dementia comes from and takes many forms. I suggest you try dealing with your sisters antics with more humor. There is nothing you can do about it and railing on her for it won't change it. Try and focus on the good times (if there ever were any good times) about her.

Your mother may be retreating as a way to make a more graceful exit. Again, remember the good times. Keep talking about the fun times. The things you appreciate about both of them and put the dissappointing, agrevating things on a back burner. (They will just take you down)

I saw a saying once that said something like, "live long enough to be a 'burden' (or something like that) to your kids. Your mom, bless her heart, may be doing just that.

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Posted by: anagrammy ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 06:55PM

So sorry you have to go through that.

The entire Mormon facade of appearing like you have family bonds falls apart and the truth comes out when parents die and there is stuff to be distributed.

All the bitterness and rivalries of children deprived of parental attention surface in the ugliest manner.

The usual Mormon passive aggressive method of getting what you want (you left coats and stuff) is appalling when seen from the perspective of time, distance and having left the cult.

Just ignore the attempted manipulation, like you are doing. She just wants to suck you into drama.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/27/2013 06:56PM by anagrammy.

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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: October 28, 2013 02:45AM

Just more attempts to stir up drama.

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Posted by: donbagley ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 07:17PM

You sound like a very strong person to me. You definitely have my respect. Best wishes,


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Posted by: NeverMo in CA ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 08:37PM

I second that. I can't imagine the strength you have to be able to deal with a mother with dementia and a crazy sister on top of your own breast cancer--the cancer alone would be too much for me to handle. I wish you the best and hope you and your other sister both will be fully cured.

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Posted by: msmom ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 09:56PM

But it is a good story - thanks for sharing it - sorry you have to live it!

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Posted by: Cali Sally ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 10:17PM

My only sister scares me. She is miffed right now because at our last meeting my mother refused to tell sis her personal financial situation and sis stormed out violently slamming the door right behind my 87 year old mother. We have not heard from her for weeks but her daughter told me tonight she quit her job. We don't really know why.

But why am I happy she isn't talking to me? I'm scared of what her next antic will be. When I moved back to our hometown I was staying in my mother's apartment while hunting for my own apartment. Sis decided to call anonymously to the administration of my mother's retirement complex and inform them I was inappropriately staying in Mom's apartment permanently. What sis didn't know was that I had been working with the administration and letting them know that I had just closed on a condo (Sis didn't know this cause she is usually mad at us and not talking to us for long stretches) and they had the copy of my closing papers. As long as I have proof that I have living accommodations of my own, I'm allowed to live, sleep over, spend all day, eat with and otherwise spend every waking hour with my mother and there is no problem. Sis doesn't think I know she is trying desperately to stab me in the back. I just hope she doesn't escalate into using a real knife. If it's all about family, I'm in the %#@*& house. Oh, yeah. Sis has already made it clear that she is hoping to inherit all of Mom's furnishings.

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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: October 28, 2013 02:43AM

My crazy older sister is scary too, but what I say might or might not apply to you. Long ago decided I'd never sleep in the same house as my older sister and I would not be in a room alone with her. I think there's a possibility my sister could crack and become violent with me.

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Posted by: Devoted Exmo ( )
Date: October 28, 2013 11:32AM

Yikes! That's scary, Sally and Cheryl!

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Posted by: msmom ( )
Date: October 27, 2013 10:19PM

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