Nearly four years ago I moved into a new house and since then I haven't had any visits from home teachers or missionaries. Looks like my luck finally ran out tonight. I got a knock on the door and when I looked out the window there were two guys there in suits which obviously can only mean one thing: Mormons. So after I didn't answer the door they went back to their truck and wrote a note to me:

Hello neptuneaz (no, they didn't really use my RFM username :D),

I'm new to the area and belong to the same church as you, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (why did he find in necessary to spell out the whole name of the church? Did I forget what the name of it was? Have I perhaps joined too many different church's that I wouldn't know exactly which one it was?) We'd love to come visit you again & get to know you better. We don't have your number so we'll randomly drop by (oh goodie! Can't wait!), or you can call me at #utah phone number#. Thanks, Joe Smith.

I'm half tempted to chew them out and tell them what a piece of crap the TSCC is and what a fraud it is and how I don't share in its messed up "value" system, but I think I'll just let them know in no uncertain terms that they are just not welcome and leave it at that.

Make copies of the number and add "For some of the best stuff around call xxx-xxx-xxxx" and put them everywhere.

Don't know your circumstance, and you may have reasons not to, but resigning eliminates the problem. Until then you will always be a lost sheep.

They do not maintain a true 'do not contact' list, so you may be able to get rid of them for now, but what happens when they call a new bishoprick, or some arrogant ward missionary feels inspired to come visit?

"I'm new to the area..." Uh huh. As if they were some neighbor or something.
"We'd love to come visit you..." Uh huh. As if missionaries didn't have somewhere else to be besides harassing people who don't want to go back to their cult.

No, you don't belong to the same church that I do because I don't belong to any church. I haven't paid my dues for four years and so I let my membership lapse. In the extremely unlikely event that I ever want to return to that church, I know where to find it. Otherwise, please cease and desist from bothering me. Is there any part of my statement that you don't understand?

And by the way, you have just seen my polite side. If you ever bother me again I guarantee you that you will see my rude nasty side.