I have three brothers and one sister. Several days ago my mom (single) passed away. Right away my siblings pressure me to attend the funeral in Utah. I live in Idaho. I have been unemployed for a long time and can barely cover rent. My sister mentioned that it would be nice if I could contribute to the funeral costs. What part of broke don't they understand?

All this is really beside the point. About 10 years ago my mom came to my eldest daughters(non-temple) wedding. I found myself alone with mom and we started talking. Mom has done some horrible things in her life. I told mom I forgave her. Her response to me: "I have never done anything you need to forgive me for". Un F-ing believable. I was in shock. I got into an argument with her and it quickly turned sour. I could see where it was going so I stopped it and apologized.

Unfortunately this was not the end of it. She went home to Utah and cried on my brother's shoulder and told him what a meanie I was. He phoned me and proceeded to call me to repentance. I told him to F off. I decided that if that is how my mom is going to play me after I forgave her, I wouldn't ever talk to her again.

10 years went by and mom got put in a nursing home. My sister in law called me up to tell me I needed to visit mom because the nurses told her she needed closure in her life and she couldn't die until she saw me. Basically my brother and sister in law were tired of taking care of her and wanted me to be the catalyst of her death. I went and saw her and she had a thousand yard stare like a Vietnam vet. Again I told her I forgave her. This was before thanksgiving. This was the last time I saw her.

My siblings are all broken up over mom's death. Mom was a woman that had 10 husbands. Mom slept with married men. Mom cheated on her husbands. I could go on and on. She was excommunicated at one point. She told me she asked to have her name temporarily taken off the records of the church because she was doing undercover police work and didn't want to compromise her membership. Can you F-ing believe that? She couldn't even admit she was a sinner. Total denial. Eventually she was re-baptized and temple privileges restored.

Well, now I am the black sheep of the family. Everyone thinks I'm a tool because I mistreated mom. When I point out the horrible things mom has done they quickly tell me that she had repented and it was like she never did those things. I am extremely resentful that my siblings have disowned me. I am an honorable man that has 4 children and eight grandchildren. I have been faithfully married for over thirty years to one woman. She is the only woman I have ever been with. This is a perfect example of why I dislike Mormonism and the way it twists people's minds. Can I get some feedback? Do you guys think I should swallow my pride and kiss my families backside, or tell them to pound sand?

Although I am not sure what that expression means. :)

If you wanted to go to the funeral, then you could go. If you don't want to go, you should not feel obligated. Nor should you feel like you have to pitch in for the funeral.

And they can't make you feel that way.

Telling someone to pound sand is basically equivalent to telling them to f off.

And I agree that you shouldn't have to attend the funeral if you don't want to. Frankly, it sounds like you don't have good memories of your mother. Funerals are held so people can pay their last respects. Sounds like your mom and the rest of your family lost yours a long time ago. So don't go if you don't want to. You really don't have to.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/09/2011 02:16PM by knotheadusc.

It sounds to me like you made your peace and said your goodbyes some time ago.

Sorry your family is such a loss but you've got your wife, children and grandchildren and I'm sure you've built a loving life with them. :)

Condolences (if you'll accept them) on the loss.

I'd suggest that you cut off these cancerous leeches from contacting you (if it means blocking their phone numbers, their e-mails, etc.) after you send them one more note saying that if they can't get it through their thick skulls that you're broke, you're not the problem, and that unless they get their own stuff in order, you'll cut them off. Then, simply, cut them off.

brought back a lot of ugly memories. I've had that same conversation with my abusive parents, with the same result. Whatever you decide to do, do it for you, not for your family. If it makes YOU feel better to find some way to the funeral, go. Otherwise, don't do it.

Just because she is your mother dose not mean you have to be part of her toxic life. I was in the same kind of a boat with my mother. No, you do not have to kiss your families toxic ass. I did not do that and I am glad it I did it my way.

Mass burial and then get on with your life. You have a good life without them and it will only get better if you bury the relationships you have with your siblings at this time of mourning for you mom. She sounds like a real piece of work that you are fortunate not to have in your life. Just say your goodbyes and include the siblings in those goodbyes.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't even consider attending the funeral unless you want more abuse, disrespect and enjoy wallowing with pigs. JMHO

Is that a typo?
How old was this woman when she died?
Yikes!
You have my deepest condolences...not because she died, but because she was your mother.

10 husbands is right. I should point out that she was married to several of them multiple times. She was sealed to one of my step dads, but after he was excommunicated for cheating on her, she was sealed to her first husband that she had cheated on and had someone else's illegitimate kid.

Her last two years she kept saying she wanted to die so that she could go to the Celestial Kingdom with her first husband. LMAOROTF.

Why would you spend money you don't have to go see people who make you miserable? Don't go. If they can't afford the funeral, suggest cremation. Ashes to ashes...

Just respectfully pointing out that cremation is often More expensive than a regular burial.

I'm sorry about your mother's death.

I would find those siblings that bring you happiness and continue a relationship with them. Those that are bastards should be left behind.

Harsh, yes, but you only have one life and you don't need endless crap from people just because you shared the same DNA donor.

You're a grandparent, fer chrissakes! Tell them to shove it up their asses! Tell them to fuck off! Or, better yet: CUT THEM COLD. You don't need jerks like that in your life—nobody does.

dysfunctional. I've seen it in my extended family. One person like her can ruin generations of children and grandchildren - all but you and me.

It would be surprising if your siblings weren't toxic. You've come to some peace being away from her I hope, and you don't need them dragging you down.

Run like the wind unless you decide one or more individuals are worth keeping up with.

Don't bother going.
I did not go to my mother's funeral, she was a hateful bitch to me from the time I was a toddler. How can a toddler be a "whore"?

Your family is dysfunctional and your mother deserves no resect. Some things can't be fixed. Don't waste your time.

I say pound sand for attending the funeral (unless you want to)

and pound some more sand for contributing to the funeral. Are you telling me that after a lifetime this woman does not have funds enough left to bury herself? They can go pound more sand. 10 husband's! You'd think at least one would leave enough money at least for a burial.

You have a family, your wife of 30 years and children and grandkids. Go have some good memories with them.

Unless your sibilings are going to be fair and stop with the guilt trip, tell them to pound some sand also.

I like that, in fact, I think I will use that phrase all day today. First person that walks through my door, I will tell them to pound some sand! If only my snotty TBM hollier than thou EQ Pres could walk in... where are these people when you need them?

I attend funerals if it helps me bring closure with a loved one that has died (for my own needs) or to show support to a loved one that is grieving.

Given your circumstances, it doesn't sound like going will serve any good purposes.

Now is a good time to break the ties to those who want to bring you down.

I sorry to hear of your loss.

If you can't afford to go, don't. A funeral is not for those who have passed but for those left behind. It sounds like they know you do not have the funds. Offer your home for a gathering after the funeral. They cant say you did not respond or care.

I came from a disfunctual family and long ago I gave up caring what they thought and I do not play into their games anymore.

Whatever you decide will be the best.

I'm sorry this has happened – sounds like hypocrisy at its finest, sadly.

I learned a long time ago that others do not hold onto anger and resentment when they have wronged someone else. It only hurts us to hold grudges, even if we are 100% victims. With that said, I am NOT condoning your mothers behavior or your siblings.

I hope that you can get some closure.

"others do not hold onto anger and resentment when they have wronged someone else"

I beg to differ. My mommy dearest is capapable of doing just that. She just turns the facts upside down and voila, it's her that's the victim.

Anyway, I have cut off my whole effing dysfunctional childhood family. Well dad died a long time ago, which is when I _should_ have done the pretty drastical move but didn't. It took 25 years after that before I finally said enough is enough.

Any one of them dies, I wouldn't even move a pinkie, even less plan for attending a funeral.

Wow! If people don't think you can heal from coming here. It is so easy to look at our own lives and think we have it rough and then I come here and I am SO GRATEFUL for my imperfect parents and so grateful I married who I did.

I AM SO SORRY for your loss--meaning having a real mother all your life.

See if you can find the post about what Oprah said yesterday. Something about forgiveness--about giving up the hope of what life COULD HAVE BEEN. You have done well. Pat yourself on the back and move on.

I love how someone who lives a honorable life is treated like this and just because the mother has gone back to the LDS church, she gets a pass. Mormonism at its finest.

I would invoke the Cone of Silence™. Refuse to accept any calls or visits. Block and delete emails and texts. Drop off the face of the earth. Ignore their pleas for cash.

Go enjoy your own family. Forget the family of origin. You don't need them.

I vote for staying away.

For siblings to get along with a emotionally toxic mother, they had to buy into it. Which means they have to accept her behavior as normal or acceptable. Which often means THEY will emulate that type of behavior.

Which means . . . put some distance between you and them.

Car breaks down
Explosive Diarrhea
Pipes broke
Water heater broke

Have you forgot your Mormon upbringing? Just tell them you will be there the day of the funeral and do not show up.

Many thanks for the words of encouragement. I need the perspective of other people to give myself a reality check sometimes.

My sister and older brother are actually pretty cool but they are the type of people that want everyone to get along and they want to sweep everything under the rug. There once was a question of the paternity of my next older brother and I said something about it and he told me it was none of my damn business. More denial. Didn't want to know the truth, only maintain the fantasy.

When they want to maintain the fantasy--because oftentimes that can come back to haunt us. It certainly did me.

Okay, I'll be brave and be the lone voice of decent on some issues here.

I do agree that if you can not afford to go to the funeral, then don't, and don't feel bad about it. Finances are a reality. And like people have said, the funeral is for the grieving, not the the person who has passed.

I don't know what your relationship with your siblings was like growing up. But if they have been close to your mother, and stayed in TSCC, then they haven't been able to escape the influence of the manipulation/brainwashing that they've experienced their whole lives, the way you have. They are used to seeing things in black and white. When your mom went back and cried on your brother's shoulder, he only had her side of the story and it came from her mouth. If he was still able to be manipulated by her, the thought that there was another/logical side to the story probably never entered his mind and you were automatically the bad guy. I guess it all depends on whether or not you even WANT to try to re-connect with them. Without your mom there, you might finally be able to have some real and honest discussions with them. They might be able listen to you without the filter of your mother and start to see some things from your point of view. And you might start to understand some other things that you might not have been able to see before. I guess my point is, that if they truly ARE toxic relationships, then by all means, cut them off and just enjoy YOUR family. But I think a lot of times, people are too quick to cut important people out of thier lives over things that can be fixed.

Maybe you could remind them that you have been out of work, and truly do not have the funds to travel or contribute right now. If you truly WOULD choose to go if you had the money, you might even tell them that and see if someone could possibly drive to get you. Or meet them half way so that it could help with costs. But if you don't go, maybe you could suggest that you all get together soon (just the siblings - without spouses or kids), maybe for a couple days/weekend, to just talk. If you all experienced the same things, but saw them differently, or coped differently, maybe you could talk about those things, see how things affected each of you differently, how each of you dealt with thigns - learn from each other. It could really help you understand each other better and see where you are each coming from. You could talk about where you're at now, how you want to go forward and what you want and need from each other. Maybe if they could get to know you, understand you, better, they would agree that they want a relationship with you, but that the church is a subject that is to be avoided. That your relationship needs to be based on other things. You never know. Again....just ideas. You know the situation better than anyone. It just makes me sad to see people lose family. (Although, yes, I know that blood doesn't always equal family.)

I guess I just think that this life is difficult, and the more love and support we have, the better. And it's a different kind of connection when you have people that you grew up with, that experienced the same things you did. That you have those childhood memories with.

If not....well then, just form those connections and memories with the ones that are close to you now.

Losing a mother is difficult under any circumstances. I just hope you are able to heal your heart easily.
My Father died when he and I had not resolved our problems. It took me 20 years to reconcile with my memories of him. When my Mother passed, we had spent years as best friends. I held her hand as she released her final breath and felt no pain. The reactions to each event was different for each of their children. Each of us had to deal as best we could. Fortunately my siblings and I love and respect one another and there were no judgements passed in any directions. That is the way it should be. If your siblings, in-laws and out-laws cannot accept you as you stand, let them pound sand!! (I do know what it means and don't use it advisedly.) Personally I would tell them to FOAD. (nasty)
My Mother was my Grandfather's favorite. His Wife was a truly beloved spouse. When Grampa died Grandma just couldn't go to the funeral and she didn't. She had spent sleepless nights as he failed and her grief overwhelmed her. My Mom couldn't leave her Mother alone and so she didn't go either. Were they bad women? Not in any way. My point? You should do what is needed for your resolution and healing. Being there has nothing to do with your relationship with your Mother. Being there has to do with meaningless expectations of others. Go or don't go, but do what is right for you.
Concerning the expenses, if you can, you can; if you can't, you can't. If you feel you should and want to share in the expense offer to contribute your share over time. The funeral home would probably even accept payment for your share.
In the end, your relatives will either reconcile with you over time, accepting your need to be true to yourself on all issues or wind up being the losers.
May the Lord bless you and keep you.
May the Lord turn his face to you and be graceous to you.
May the Lord make his continence to shine upon you and give you peace.

I'd go with cutting them off completely, and skipping the funeral. I've had to cut off an uncle who was verbally abusive to everyone in the family, and for me, it was the best thing for my mental health.

narcissists-suck.com

endless help there, sounds like your mom fit the bill

Something at play here is possibly the Forever Family angle. It's about them. Your family wants you there so that other people can see the whole group together; you're not there, embarrassing questions may asked. I speak from experience.

The insanity ensued long before this, it sounds like. My opinion--do what is best for you in the long run.

Cut your losses and on the day of the funeral try to remember something good about your Mother.

And ignore the rest of them from this day forward. Your gain.