This is the third thread by "Anon for this" on his family being rejected by a homeschooling group for being Mormon.

First off, I'd like to thank everyone for their meaningful and respectful input. Exmormon.org is like free therapy. This truly is what recovery from Mormonism should be. I love all of you and thank you for your insight, differing points of view, and your sympathy.

"Ferric statement of faith" was typo on my tiny phone. "Generic statement of faith" is the correct phrase. I am sure I will have numerous autocorrect typos as I go. The homeschooling group has new members sign a generic statement of faith. It is being resent to us to re-evaluate. Thus a potential for future dialogue, should we chose to engage in it.

It is indeed true that my wife is TBM, although she doesn't abide by all of the precepts of the faith. I came to have my doubts about the church because of its history. Then I began to see problems with the leadership. Problems with how money was spent. Gross injustice. Hiding abhorrent behavior. I attend church with my wife and enjoy musical aspects of the church, but I absolutely detest the guilt and the the laundry list of of dos and don't.

Rather than go off on my own recovery process, which I'm sure many of you can relate to, I want to talk more explicitly about the homeschooling concept itself and the bind it has me in. In so doing, I don't intend to take a swipe at homeschooling .

My wife attended homeschool, private school,and public school. If anyone had had a diversity of education, it is her. Her family background is super, ultra conservative, and while she herself doesn't push any conservative agenda like her parents, Se certainly was affected by it.

I think this plays into her desire to homeschool. I thought it was a bit odd that when I requested permission to marry her from her father, he interrogated me on whether I would be supportive of homeschooling. I figured that even if I wasn't big on homeschooling, this was something my wife an I could sort out. A lot can happen in six or seven years.

Well, apparently homeschooling isn't just a difference of opinion in our marriage, to her it is a deal breaker. I promised that u would be supportive of homeschooling back when my hormones were raging and therefore, in her book I would be betraying our marriage to send our kids to public school.

So now this happens, and it kinda confirms to me some of my concerns about churchy homeschooling groups. Not that there is anything wrong with them per Se, but I'm worried about this exclusionary society where everyone must think and act the same. I value diversity. I wants kids exposed to a lot of viewpoints. If they are going to be sheltered by one particular group, I don't want that.

I guess what in saying is that maybe homeschooling isn't for me and I need to take more of a stance in expressing it to my wife. Problem is she gets really offended by it.

So now I'm in this limbo where I am active LDS, not a TBM, and the mormon identity I've wanted to steer away from as best I can is kicking me in the butt. I guess you can't please everyone. At some point I'm just going to have to take a stand. Maybe this experience will accelerate the process of me being more authentic and open about about who I am. Maybe I could use to as a way to talk to my wife more about the differences between Mormonism and mainstream Christianity and subtlety drop in my concerns about the church. Here's why they evangelicals don't like us..bam bam. Maybe this is a "blessing" in disguise that will facilitate dialogue with my TBM spouse. While I don't ascribe to evangelical Christianity, I've read Richard Abanes' book, "One Nation Under Gods" an have a good grasp of why evangelicals largely reject Mormons as Christians. Maybe I rally behind the evangelicals a little to show the errors I Mormonism, as a mechanism for changing her thoughts. I don't knwinthy it will work. She is probably too upset about the while issue and would want me to just be supportive and not take their side.

Final question:

You have a TBM spouse, who dislikes how the church doesn't focus on Jesus, feels used in her callings, feels the guilt, but won't consider leaving Mormonism for reasons she cannot articulate. You ask we to tell why she knows the church is true and she can't and just gets mad. She has a fondness for supplementing her mormon church worship with activities at other churches. Could this be the path to exit? Through another church? Would you join another church as a stop gap?

As a teacher, I am curious. What is your wife's motivation to home school your children? How does she make decisions about what to teach and how to teach it?

I think I need to ask her these same questions. I don't know. I think it is an underlying, unexpressed fear of the outside world. Perhaps she was teased in public shook and wants to protect our kids. Perhaps it is because she can see herself as nothing other than a stay at home mom and that isn't fulfilling to her so she needs to feel more useful as a teacher to her children. Perhaps her it is brainwashing from her ultra conservative parents.

I think the idea of homeschooling groups initially allayed my fears about socialization, but with this development, further examination is warranted.

She likes to supplement her mormon church worship with activities at other churches you say....wow.....seems unusual but if she does this, support her in that. I think the support would just cause her to be more confused about Mormonism and maybe that is just the ticket. IT would soften her stance most likely on "knowing her church is true" because if it is true why is she going other places also??? No reason to join another church at this time if you are talking about yourself, but to attend now and then is good if you are curious about mainstream Christianity. I say do it. Walk the tightrope for awhile with her is my advice.

Numero uno - COMMUNICATE!!! Big time. You need to know where she stands and why. SHE needs to know where YOU stand, and why. A big part of the problem, it seems, is that you tend to just go with the flow to keep tantrums at bay. This is not a good strategy for healthy long term relationships. If just talking about homeschooling puts a strain on your attitudes toward each other, you need to make a lot of progress on more than just where the kids go to school. Talking it out with an unbiased third party would likely be helpful.

It's good that you recognize that you can't just dump everything on her (and the kids) at once. Telling her that you want to get the children into public school, that you think her family is overly controlling, and that the church (religion?) is bunk all in one blow would likely put you on the fast-track for divorce... but those are all important aspects of YOUR life that YOU also have a say in. Sooner or later, you have to get your point across. The best way to do this is in a non-confrontational, step by step manner. An unbiased third party will also be tremendously helpful. (RfM, for all its great qualities, doesn't count as unbiased IMHO)

You need to realize that, just as DW shouldn't be in complete control of these important aspects, neither should you. Going to other churches is a wonderful, eye-opening experience. Since you are happy with it, and your wife seems happy with it too, I think it's a great idea to continue "shopping around". However, I would caution against having a goal in the back of your mind of her leaving Mormonism, or religion altogether. Her personal/spiritual beliefs are something that should remain entirely up to her as you gain your own autonomy in the spiritual sphere.

I suppose, if you can get her to, you might try visiting another church. That shattered the misconceptions of one particular Mormon I know. In fact, it destroyed her "one true church" paradigm.

But as much as I like my own churh, the last thing I would want to see someone do is trade one system of legalistic religion for another, and sadly, some very "theologically orthodox" churches can get their theology right but somehow miss the whole point of Christ's teachings. So, I'd do some research before going. Your DW might see that, actually, other churches that don't have "Christ" on the sign actually talk more about Christ inside.

Honestly, it kind of sounds like you're both on the path to ex-Mormonism...maybe you just don't know it yet. Take your time. No doubt you had some good and memorable experiences in Mormonism with some wonderful people. Overall, if you can get your DW to have an objective and unemotional conversation about the LDS church, I think that's huge progress.

Good luck to you!

"but I'm worried about this exclusionary society where everyone must think and act the same."

With this as one of your primary concerns, I'd strongly suggest you homeschool and participate, if at all possible, with the christian group that apparently does not like mormons.

Why? I think it will be good for your children. They will get the benefit of attending mormon meetings and hearing mormons talk about their faith, religion, values and doctrine. Then, they will get the benefit of being around christians.

The benefit? Being exposed to two groups both of which are intolerant and which claim to have the truth, your children will likely realize that at least one of the groups is delusional. I'd guess your children will eventually see that both groups - mormons and christians - are deluded. The two attempts to brainwash cancel each other out and you're left with enlightened children.

Of course, as one who sees that the mormon church is a fraud, you can gently and honestly answer your children's questions and support them when they describe the hypocrisy that they are seeing from both the mormons and the christians.

So, your wife gets to homeschool, your children get an education, and, importantly, your children have a front row seat to the insanity of religious folk as its Spy vs. Spy (mormonism v. christianity) week in and week out.

I guess I'm voting to trust the intelligence of children. They'll figure it out. You just have to have the fortitude to confirm their inevitable conclusions that mormonism is a fraud.

Surely you can't be the only non-mainstream-Christian homeschoolers in the area. Has your wife tried to find other resources? Maybe she can even start her own group... I know homeschoolers who start acting groups, science groups, writing groups etc. etc., with a broad spread of kids, both religious and non-religious. There are all sorts of options. That's one of the great (and overwhelming) things about homeschooling--there ARE so many options.
If you are in Utah, whenonline.org is a good way to link in to activities with various groups and meet homeschoolers. Good luck!

I wanted in on this since it posted, but my first chance. Anon no less. It's more fun, right.

Mormons should be a concern for adults that want to protect their families and children.

Anon for this married a TBM, made a family with a TBM, and supports and participates in the LDS culture.

The other Christians are protecting their children and their families.

They have a daughter that falls in love with your son--mother, father, grandma, grandpa might be waiting outside the temple while you, your wife, your son and their daughter makes sacred temple cult ritual oaths in the temple. They won't be welcome, not because of any bigotry or judgement, just the importance of these sacred covenants.

It's a missionary Church--they brag of their size and efficacy. Your son is on a path to being a missionary. These adult educators and community are not stupid--Mormonism is now well known in the United States. They don't want their kids playing and learning with the Mormon kids, because they don't play fair, they don't play nice.

Protect your own family from Mormonism. They are.

Yep, that pretty much says it. Good job making it simple.

Yes, to your last three questions. Hang in there. When your son is old enough, he will be able to decide if homeschooling is for him. I wouldn't worry about that right now since there is not much you can do.

So what did you decide anonymous?

Should there be consequences to Mormons and Mormon allies for their behaviors, beliefs, and associations?

Or do only Mormons get to act that way?

One of my favorite people/girlfriends, beautiful (I mean gorgeous), talented, fun, sexy, creative, loving, nurturing was a young BYU TBM. I chose not to marry her because I knew I was leaving upon graduation and i knew she wouldn't be ready to leave with me.

I've got more stories, but didn't marry them. What does a man do that rejects Mormonism, participates and supports, but marries a TBM and makes TBMs. What will he do? Please continue to share what he does.