I know I haven’t been posting as much. Mostly that is because if you hadn’t fucking heard, there’s totally a “War on Christmas,” and I’ve been incredibly busy bombing several major metropolitan areas because they dared depict Regular Baby Jesus as a non-stuffed teddy bear and/or raccoon donned with a Santa hat.
Goddamn those public squares. What’s next, a white Regular Jesus with Nordic features? Fucking blasphemy.
Anyspay, if you haven’t been following my spats with my super TBM self-proclaimed Mormon Apologist cousin, here is some background:
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1092822,1092822#msg-1092822Yeah, so I had to spend time with him at Thanksgiving, Put-the-Christ-Back-in-Christfax-Asstheists!, and Put-the-New-Goblin-Back-in-New-Years-Spidermen! Yup, the whole slew of wintery Holidays except the fucking Hallmark made up holidays of Hanukkah and Kwanzaa (lighting candles is for sensual massages and potty times). And after that letter he sent, family time was more tense and awkward than a singles ward dance accidentally being held in the neighborhood sex dungeon.
We got seated right across from each other on Thanksgiving because grandpa’s a big drama queen and wanted to see if “sparks would fly.”
As we gazed tersely into each others’ eyes, E. Raptor pantomimed to me, and then to the turkey leg before biting off a large chunk indicating that he would indeed eat me and then pass out on the couch while watching football later. In response I pantomimed to one of his fat ass kids then to my carefully sculpted reservoir of mashed potatoes and gravy before violently stabbing the dam causing the gravy to seep out, indicating that perhaps I would fork that pudgy bastard and watch liquid sodium ooze from his wounds.
E. Raptor wasn’t pleased with this literal charade, and upped the ante by blowing me kisses, indicating that like unto his polygamous pioneer ancestors, he would love to make out with his cousin. I motioned to his wife, stood, and gyrated my iliac crests which indicated that dinner was completely over according to my grandfather who should have known better in the first place.
After the tradition of throwing our plates out the window and pretending that we already took our plates over to the sink so we don’t have to do dishes, E. Raptor clearly thought that he hadn’t been bested enough, walked over to me, and stated in a gruff voice, “I should have known you wanted to fuck my wife.” At which point I responded incredulously, “THAT was your WIFE??? Good god, I thought it was Galactus the way she was hoovering everything on the table. I figured at any moment the Silver Surfer would appear to inform us we were all fucked and not even the Power Cosmic could save us from being devoured.”
Thinking he had the upper hand now, E. Raptor declared, “So you want to fuck Galactus instead???”
Having set the victory up several moves previously, I quickly retorted, “You don’t???” Being the most profound thing stated that entire afternoon so far, E. Raptor left defeated and seemingly broken.
After traditional family time of going to major shopping centers and front kicking other consumers’ in their greedy little mouths for getting in the way of us saving several dollars on the hottest electronics of the season, we reconvened for Grandma’s tuna, dorito, and ketchup pie.
It was then that E. Raptor once again got all up in my godly grille. After sideling up to me, he creepily proclaimed, “I have something to show you.” My mind instantly reflecting on Chatroulette, I prepared my best “rotten frankfurter” joke.
However, what he showed me only metaphorically represented a phallus. I witnessed the outline of his newest “book.” If you don’t know the background to this story, and you skipped the link above, don’t blame me for being lost at this point. I can’t fucking help you, if you don’t put in a little effort.
For those of you who do know what the fuck is up, I have copied and pasted the outline below as is. Now, even though I have given a language warning in the thread title, I will give a further one for exmos. Like unto the honeybadger only recently discovered on Youtube a few years ago, E. Raptor Jesus doesn’t give a fuck. He’s going to use the language he is going to use. Your whining isn’t going to change that. So….don’t bitch to me about what he calls you….I can’t get that asshat to spend more than $2 on my Christmas gift even though I made him homemade salsa - which is really fucking expensive when you get all the ingredients fresh AS WELL AS BUY THE BOTTLES!!!
I’m not responsible for his diction!
Anywhore, here are the chapters to his upcoming book - “Mormonism is like totally true and shit!”
Chapter 1: Shut Up! It's Totally True
Chapter 2: Why People REALLY Leave the Church
Chapter 3: To the Rescue of Said Douchehags
Chapter 4: I Dare You to Write a Better Book, Shitsnatch.
Chapter 5: Fuck Science
Chapter 6: Book of Abraham: Who the Fuck do You Think YOU Are?
Chapter 7: Mormons: Great People, or the Greatest People?
Chapter 8: Anti-Mormons are Just a Bunch of Angry Homosexuals
Chapter 9: Child Brides is Just Nitpicking
Chapter 10: It's Either Us or the Catholics
Chapter 11: Feel Bad about Our Poor, Persecuted History
Chapter 12: Prophets who Prophesy Prophetic Prophesies
Chapter 13: When the Spirit Helped Me Find My Car Keys
Chapter 14: Jesus Christ, I Totally Testify its Fucking Truthfulness
Chapter 15: Amen, Assholes