I am feeling very isolated and lost.

Been out for over a year now. Still coming to grips with everything. Officially resigned a few months ago. I'm single, and half my family is out with me. But the half that's still TBM includes my parents. To their credit they are respectful of my right to believe what I want -I've always been good at arguing my case. Even if they do still patronize me sometimes with stupid little comments like "you just never had a strong testimony" and ”we're praying you come back someday". They are old and I don't know if they could ever really handle coming to grips with reality. I'm living at home because I'm currently unemployed, almost 30 years old, prospects of finding a good job are kinda tough at the moment. Was homeschooled(read isolated) and raised in the MLM cults too(yay for super brainwashing).

So yeah basically I feel like I've been caught in lies my entire life. And while it's invigorating to start to find real truth. I'm also really hurting and struggling to rip the painful dogma out that's been interwoven into my entire being.

I never served a mission (thank goodness!). So my 20's were spent torn between being shamed and socially outcast by basically my only real circle of influence, and my resilient soul not giving a fuk and finding solace in like minded outcasts and constant pickup basketball games.

I seriously think that if I was a less mentally stable individual, that I would have committed suicide long ago. But now I'm at this point in my life where some of my hopefulness is starting to fade. Wasted or not, my youth is gone. I've never had a meaningful romantic relationship. I struggle with social awkwardness and even a little anxiety. Most of my "friends" are mormies and haven't seemed to even notice that I'm gone. Financially I'm SOL and doomed to crash at my parents place for at least the near future.

Emotionally I don't know how to function. I'm agnostic. So there's no magic guy floating up there to look to. And yes that means everything good I've done was my own strength, but it doesn't seem as easy anymore knowing it. My parents are decent people, but they think my problems stem from leaving TSCC. Admitting my struggles to them would only be used as "proof" that life on the outside is hell.

Not even sure where I'm going with all this bellyaching. Guess I'm just looking for empathy and maybe some golden nugget of advice?

Wow reading over this make me sound like a mess. But it feels a little better to just type it all out. Thanks for listening.

I sympathize with you--except for the fact that you do not live in Utah. There ought to me more good non-Mormons for you to meet. don't expect too much of people at first. Mormons have a very unrealistic, bloated vision of popularity. No one "real" is all that popular! No one has cars parked in front of their house, and people constantly ringing their doorbell, unless they are selling drugs, or MLM stuff, or a bishop or a RS pres (people come to them for money or help.) Mormons judge others by the amount of money they make and the number of friends (potential converts) they have. "Every member a missionary.

If you are a guy, and have two friends, you are normal. The average woman has 3-4. I mean, "come over to my house and hang out, then lets to grab a hamburger" kind of friend, who doesn't require that you clean his toilets or play the piano, or recruit or sell his product. You've been had.

You are absolutely normal for a 30-year-old. Every one of my adult children came home to live, off and on. All of them were putting themselves through the university, and at one time, it was like a fraternity-sorrority house around here. One son came home to finish graduate school, and he was probably lonely during that time. He got married at age 37, and is very successful. One daughter and her husband are living in my house, because his company opened a new office here, and they are waiting for their other house to sell. It never hurts to save money.

I wish there could be a book to teach ex-Mormons how to be socially normal--I would be the first to buy it! I was divorced at 40, and never married again, because I didn't like what the Mormon had to offer single people. I had been raised to fear non-Mormons, and to never date anyone who was not a Mormon. Luckily, I worked hard to reach beyond that, and get to know people of other cultures and races and beliefs. The people out there are great! Life will be an adventure for you! Even without the Mormon God, you can believe in LOVE. Life out the outside is HEAVEN! Don't be afraid. You will find someone to help you, always--doctors and nurses, attorneys, police, fire fighters, taxi drivers, RFM, unexpected strangers--all these people have helped me tremendously, when I was in need! You don't need the cult at all. The church needs your money and your time. Give it to yourself, instead.

Enjoy your hobbies, that you used to enjoy when you were in high school or when you were a child. You will meet others who share your same interest. I find that people who love animals and children are usually very nice people. I've met some nice people on hikes, on the chairlift skiing, at the parks. Meet single parents at McDonalds on Sundays. If you are female, you can always meet a man shopping on Christmas Eve. You will learn where to find people you'd enjoy being with. Just start a simple conversation. Get their stories! People have the most amazing stories to tell! They will make you laugh! You don't have to be intimate with anyone, or ask personal questions, or interfere in their life (like the Mormons do). Just a simple conversation is a start.

Don't be so down on yourself. Beware of the Mormon shunning and gossip. They want to make you feel bad about yourself, and it seems like they might be succeeding. Don't let the turkeys get you down!

I agree -- you're normal. Quit measuring yourself against some phantom ideal. There are more people out there who share your circumstances than you might think.

The first thing I would focus on is your skill set for employment. Do you have college and/or job training? If not, that is the first thing I would attend to. If you don't have a specific skill set, you need to get one. If you do, you need to figure out if there are adequate employment opportunities in your field. Don't continue to stay at home without a solid plan for gaining a job that pays well. Community colleges offer solid job training in a wide variety of employable fields.

As far as your social life, reach out to fellow singles. They are out there. If you find someone you like, ask that person if s/he would like to go out to a movie or watch the game at your house or a bar. Not everyone is looking to expand his or her social circle, but many are. Keep trying!

Thank you for posting your story. It parallels my son's in so many ways. I'm going to share it with him. You silly guy, you have your youth, trust me. The only pearl I can come up with is this: Approach people feeling like you might just have something that they need. Be a friend. As far as the TBM's are concerned, I've learned that until they want to know the truth, its best to just relate on common neutral ground - at least until you're stronger. You're gonna be fine.

I agree with a pp that your primary focus should be gaining a skill set and educational background that will make you employable and that community colleges offer a lot of options for doing just that relatively inexpensively.

I would be looking to see what programs are offered locally and think about what interests you and has good employment prospects. One of my favorite websites to suggest to students is the Occupational Outlook Handbook (google it), which gives an overview of different jobs, what educational background is required, typical salaries and projected job growth.

Having a decent job can turn your whole life around.

There are some great exmo's here that you could talk to.

I do understand the feelings of loneliness though. You lose a lifetime of Mormon friends, and never mos, for the most part, can't empathize with the intense betrayal you're recovering from.

I'm not a therapist and as a never-Mo, there are--admittedly--some things here with which I don't (can't) relate. (I post here because DW was raised in the cult and so, yes, I feel like the Morg has damaged me and my family...but the people I would lose if DW formally resigned would be those I wish would go away anyway--not close loved ones.)

But, I'd say this: You're normal. That much is clear. At 30, your youth is NOT gone...yet you have gained some maturity. So one's 30's is a great time to live. Peole here "get it," but there is a diversity of opinion here you won't find in the Morg. Might take some getting used to.

Do your best to work on your employability...schooling would also be a good place to meet "regular" people and have a little bit of a social life...and so would even part-time work that may be below your ability and education (if you can get it--I know that's tough, too).

I'm no "prophet," but I think I'm usually able to predict outcomes pretty well, based on the circumstances I see. So, I forsee you coming out okay...not that it won't be a long road. I haven't experienced leaving Mormonism (just wish my DW would formally resign), but I have experienced a pretty emotionally traumatic event in my life...thought I'd die...but I'm okay. So I think if it's the loss of a church, death of a loved one, a spouse's affair, the end of a close relationship--those are all devastating because they fundamentally alter our world (or more accurately, they often show us our view of the world was completely wrong and cause us to deeply mistrust ourselves). Such wounds take some time to heal. As with any wound, these events do leave permanent scars (which fade over a LONG period of time). But they also cause us to re-evaluate our lives and our relationships, and I think that's helpful. Somehow we come out stronger, surer of ourselves, more able to empathize and show compassion. I think that's what you'll find.

I'm rooting for you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2014 10:33AM by stillburned.

Wow... Thanks for the kind replies y'all!

Too answer some questions;
I am a straight male. I don't have any college, I never thought I was cut out for schooling. Always had trouble with authority(part of the reason I'm an exmo!). But if I'm willing to reconsider my whole thinking on religion, maybe I should give schooling a second thought. I've always been one to gravitate towards active creative jobs where I can move around and solve problems, especially working with my hands. I'm sure I'll find my way financially, I already have a couple ideas of where to start. It's just tough sometimes too get over the fear and actually start.

I don't mind saying that I live in the San Antonio area, and I would be interested in talking with/meeting exmos in my area.

It feels nice to hear that having 2 or 3 friends is normal. Still getting used to this, but I've found through my one dear nevermo friend(previous coworker) that going to see live music is one of my favorite things! I would have never experienced that before. I though going to bars or clubs was evil lol. But surprise! A couple drinks won't instantly turn me into an alcoholic Satan worshipper... They'll just help me relax and get chatty. Just gotta be careful not to get TOO chatty haha.

Thanks again for the support and encouragement. Last night was a low point for me. But being able to tell someone, and have my feelings validated has really lifted my spirits today. You guys rock!

I never thought I was cut out for school either. Despite that I went to college when I was 40.

When you're the same age or older than your instructors they don't boss you around. In fact I became friends with some and they were my mentors. Some of my favorite people.

I didn't think I was smart enough to go to college. Maybe I wasn't, but I was stunned how many people were there that just seemed really dumb. Maybe it was my age vs. theirs.

I was married and had a couple young kids when I was in college. I looked much younger than I actually was. It was a huge ego boost to turn down the twenty something guys that asked me out. I had a couple women chasing after me to. It was quite a change from my suburban housewife life.

I even learned to like math and science. Two subjects that caused me massive anxiety attacks. I got straight A's and had a great time. I'm so glad I did that. It really changed me for the better.

Here's my advice. I've hired people a few times and been in various companies, I'm not an expert, but my advice is free :-)

Education is only part of the story. Nobody hires you just because you a have a degree, chances are all the applicants have a degree of some kind if you're in a field that expects one.

If I'm expecting a degree and they don't have one, I probably won't consider them unless they have a decent work history.

All of my best business opportunities (but one), have been the results of people I know or have worked with.

The old saying it's not what you know, but who you know, has been very true for me.

Pick an interesting field with good job prospects, get some education, but more importantly try to make friends with people in the field. The companies I've worked with try to hire internally, friends, acquaintances, customers, etc before putting it out there on a job search site.

Don't be afraid to go back to school or try new things. School gets easier as you get older, because you approach it with a more mature attitude.

There are so many things you could do if you like to work with your hands -- plumbing, electrical work, HVAC, carpentry, auto repair, plane or boat repair, appliance repair, computer repair, or mechatronics. I'm sure there are many more options. Some training will be available through unions and some will be available through your local community college.

When you think you have a handle on what you might like, talk to people in the field -- preferably in person, but online is okay too. Ask them, what do you like about the job? Dislike? What would you do over again if you could? Ask them what a typical starting salary would be and what the salary range is for the field. Be willing to consider jobs that you may not even know about yet!

As far as making friends, I agree with board member Yep Too that giving specific invitations is best, i.e., "I'm going to see the movie [blank,] would you like to come along?" "I was thinking of the 4 PM show, or would a different time work better for you?" etc.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2014 06:16PM by summer.

i am in san antonio - just got out with my whole family.

would love to have lunch. email me: iambomonomo@gmail.com

i am in san antonio - just got out with my whole family.

would love to have lunch. email me: iambomonomo@gmail.com

You're totally normal, dude. Been there, too. I see some similarities with your story. I was once TBM. Got married really young. Then I discovered the truth and my life unraveled. At 30, I was alone, an outcast, and a divorcee. It was tough.

Thankfully I didn't live in Utah. With the support of a few good friends, and taking matters into my own hands, I discovered that life beings at 30. You have so much potential and plenty of time to find your way in life. There will be ups and downs for sure, but 30 is young. You'll have a bright future.

I agree that people have a few close friends. Also, friendships will often feel like it is 90% effort on your part and 10% effort on their part. But that's what cool people do. They find fun things that are going on and get their friends off their couches and out into the world. Be that guy. Don't be afraid to ask dudes or women to accompany you on some outing or activity. The key is to be specific. Like Hey, I'm gonna hit up that new Thai fusion food truck and catch the late act at ___ bar tomorrow night. You interested?" or "I'm going hiking Saturday morning at ____. Should I pick you up on the way?"

Make sure to better yourself, whether it's formal education or informal training/mentoring. You might find a trade like being an electrician interesting and challenging. Also, the whole shabby-chik, DIY, 1890s thing is super cool right now. An organic farmer who makes furniture out of recycled materials is the pinnacle of hipness and success in my urban, east coast city.

Good luck to you. If I lived in San Antonio, I would buy you a beer. So, I'll just drink two tonight--one with you in mind. Ha!

Think about taking up a trade. Honest plumbers (oxymoron?), home repair guys who know what they are doing, electricians do pretty well I believe. Work for yourself on the jobs you already can handle. There are government/state sponsored trade schools (real hands-on) that you can take and see what you like best.

A good tradesperson is a real find and their name tends to get passed around among homeowners.

We just had someone do an emergency repair at our house. He made about $200 bucks for just over an hour (including parts).

And when he left, I thought "That's not bad pay for a Saturday".

Those kind of jobs don't come with benefits, but you have really flexible hours. If you do good work, and live in a good area, you can stay busy. That guy had been in his business for 27 years. It takes a while to build a business, but you'll never get laid off and you can pick up extra hours when you need the money.

We have another guy who does handyman and remodel work around here, he charges about $35 per hour. He is so busy that it's hard to get an appointment.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2014 06:00PM by imaworkinonit.

I live in the San Antonio area too and though I'm not an exmo, I am married to one. When I was 25, I moved back in with my parents and lived with them for two years while I raised money and got over depression.

I eventually escaped home by going back to school... Then I met my husband, who eventually moved me here a few months ago. It takes time and effort to launch. I empathize with what you're dealing with. But a lot of people are in your shoes. Just take a step at a time and you'll be fine.

I cannot agree more with everyone recommending you look into school. Even creative, hands-on type jobs want someone with some education. One of my dear friends designs boutique furniture - a job he got with no real related experience except a degree in graphic design. If you don't want to do the full four years, look into certification programs in areas that interest you.

If you aren't really interested in pursuing a career through higher education, it's a great way to get to know new people. You can just sign up for a community education class - a foreign language, or guitar, or paranormal investigation. But getting some school under your belt will go a really long way toward helping you in the long-run, career wise.

Tex, the feeling defective is something the cult implants in us to make us easy to control. Took years to figure that out. So, point is it's a lie. We're not defective.

You mention "trouble-with-authority" like it's a bad thing. It's not. Just means you have a gift for sniffing out those who would exploit you, and prefer the genuine to the BS. Never lose that. If there were more like you, wars could never be fought.

Do what you love. The kind of thing that when you are doing it, time just flies, because you are totally engaged, and it is not work for you. It can be anything. If you can find that, you will never have to work. It actually does not take much money to live well and happily. The propaganda that money is success is just another lie - another set of harnesses we are supposed to wear to make us work hard so others can exploit us - for a lie.

This is what I would have told myself when I was 30, and exactly where you are.



All the best.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2014 08:29PM by zenjamin.

Just curious, how old are your parents?

All you need is within you. Hope is in your control, not a secret super power that requires full obedience and commitment from you. The key is believeing that you can. This is a quote that I created when I was 21 and I have lived the last 18 years trying to follow it. "What if every time you told yourself that you can't, you told yourself that you can? Where would you be and what would you have accomplished?"

You can do this. It all starts with saying that you can. I believe in you!

My parents are in their late 50s... It's not so much their age, as it is that they are stuck in that old mindset. I have been very open with them and they still can't seem to think for themselves. Breaks my heart to see the hardship being mormon brings them. I will continue to work on them in subtle ways, pointing out inconsistencies and such. But arguing is pointless. The only person that's gonna change their minds is themselves.

I don't look at my challenging authority as a bad thing at all! It just makes it a little tough to be a good student sometimes. I am quite the free thinker and following in line with the set path of school, degree, debt, "good job", ass kissing, etc. is tough to swallow. But I can see possibly some kind of trade school/training in my future.

I still haven't found what I love to do yet(I have found some fields I don't love!), but I'm gonna get out there and keep trying new things. Right now I'm considering personal training, telecom technician, or maybe even just sucking it up and finding the most stable factory or oil field job that I can stand for long enough to establish credit and start purchasing rental properties. We'll see what works out.

Thanks again for all the support. I think I'll bookmark this thread and refer back whenever I need a lift. I am at a loss for words to describe my appreciation for each of your kind messages.

“All you need is within you. Hope is in your control, not a secret super power that requires full obedience and commitment from you. The key is believing that you can. This is a quote that I created when I was 21 and I have lived the last 18 years trying to follow it. "What if every time you told yourself that you can't, you told yourself that you can? Where would you be and what would you have accomplished?"

You can do this. It all starts with saying that you can. I believe in you!”
This! This! This! Thank you dodgeawrench.

Your self-worth used to be what the church said it was. The church determined your life plan. All you had to do was show up and pay dues. Now you are driving all decisions and life directions. That is an overwhelming change because due to the former training you are afraid to make a mistake (due to the eternal consequences) and have so much fear about what to do next that you take no action at all.

Trust yourself. Give yourself some serious credit for getting out of the church! That takes integrity and courage that many just don’t have. Now think just a minute about that. How far can you go in life with those attributes? I would dare say very far. It’s just like dodgeawrench said. You can do anything you want if you tell yourself you can even if it turns out to be a choice that didn’t pan out as well as you hoped, don’t be afraid to take action. Valuable life experience is still gained by doing something.

There is no supernatural being that is going to withhold blessings from you for living your life on your terms. Get over that fear. You are in charge. Take the wheel and enjoy the ride.

BTW I would chew off several fingers to have had the privilege of getting out of the church when I was thirty. You are a lucky B-tard.