I really, truly can't be bothered to read them, so can someone please tell me (in simple, basic terms) what's up with these essays I keep hearing about?

For decades the church has whitewashed history.

The Internet is exposing members to the real history of the church.

Those who discover the real history from non-church websites not only have to deal with the new knowledge, they also feel lied to by the church.

The church is responding to the above developments by publishing a series of essays on the church website, covering the most common issues with greater (but not complete) accuracy.

The church is not exactly handing these out in sacrament meeting, the goal is to have something to point at and say "we are not hiding anything" without exposing non-curious members to troublesome issues.

Thank you so much!

Are they like conference talks? Long and wordy without saying anything of real consequence, with a couple bits of truth hidden in the midst of it all? (And by truth I mean their true motives, not actual "truth.")

The little bit that I actually read, yes. You hit the nail square on the head.