Just how far will the Mormon church go to squeeze the members and put less and less into the religious arm so more and more can go into the profit arm?

Let's see. Maybe temples could start being rented out to other people who want to be married and have a reception in a new venue. Let's get those temples really paying for themselves.

Let's see. We've already emptied the chapels for any truly productive use by keeping them empty and useless for most of the week. Could we have the missionaries sleep in them so they could both do a little extra cleaning duty and allow the cost for apartments to go down?

Let's see. We could rent out the meeting house lawns for Easter Egg parties, picnics, etc. for people of other faiths since we don't do much of anything there anyway. We have no day care, soup kitchens or play grounds.

Let's see. We could ask the members to pay for toilet paper and paper towels in the chapel bathrooms by installing dispensing machines. If they put their soiled TP and paper towels directly in the outside dumpster we will give them a partial refund thus leaving less mess in the bathrooms. Mothers with soiled disposable diapers would be given a bigger refund.

Let's see. On fast Sundays we could sell food items made by the Relief Society in their own homes and with their own ingredients after services for people who cannot get home fast enough to keep the kids quiet and content. Of course there should be nothing that needs heating or cooking in chapel kitchens.

Let's see. We could sell coupons to members who really detest or don't have time to do their chapel cleaning assignments. Then we could give half of the income to members who do double cleaning assignments. Then everything comes out even. And everybody is entitled to their blessings from heaven.

Let's see. Maybe we could sell indulgences for people who would normally be disfellowshiped for sexual infractions. The price will double with each infraction. This will work best in singles wards and student wards and should be accompanied with mandatory temple attendance. This may keep members from drifting away from full membership out of shame and humiliation while increasing the stats for temple attendance. Salt Lake will be pleased with better stats.

What suggestions do you have brothers and sisters? Isn't it our duty to grow the corporation....eeer, I mean kingdom?

>Let's see. We could ask the members to pay for toilet paper and paper towels in the chapel bathrooms by installing dispensing machines. If they put their soiled TP and paper >towels directly in the outside dumpster we will give them a partial refund thus leaving less mess in the bathrooms. Mothers with soiled disposable diapers would be given a >bigger refund.

The Corporation is more likely to install pay toilets. If you can't hold it until you get home, it will cost you $.50. And the members still get to clean.

Also, install parking meters in the parking lot... and then get the city to make the adjacent street a No Parking zone.

Have the heating, air conditioning, and all the lights locked and on a pay-timer, like the lights on public tennis courts. Those who want to use the ward house for a meeting, play basketball at night, or practice the organ when it's freezing cold, or clean the building in the heat of a summer Saturday, can have adequate heat and light--for 30 minutes for $5,00. Have a change machine by the door, like they used to have a cash register by the door at the temple.

They could take out the drinking fountains in temples and chapels and sell bottled water. I remember my first year at BYU and running from drinking fountain to drinking fountain because my mouth was so dry.

On top of tithing they could pass a plate around to cover the cost of maintaining the chapel.

They could combine more wards into the same building and sell excess buildings.

They could get member tradesmen to do all maintainance on the buildings for free.

They could increase the tithing rate.

They could require that you pay a full tithe to attend sacrament meetings.

They could have a secret, um, sacred room in the temple for viewing porn to increase temple attendance.

They could charge a fee for receiving the sacrament.

They could charge a fee, um donation for people who get sealed as a family in the temple.

Positions of power in the organization could be given to those who donate the most.

All members could be required to work in church owned factories and sweat shops.

Investigators could be charged by the hour for receiving services from missionaries.

Missionaries could do busking to raise cash.

Members could organize various fund raising activities to pay for more shopping malls.

Fewer scholarships could be offered at BYU.

rent the Temples out as evil places which they are. Halloween should be big for that. Don't have any lights on either - save a few more bucks. Have those dead dunkers around doing their dead dunkings while the Halloween crowd watches in horror. Perfect for Halloween.

"they used to have a cash register by the door at the temple." ??? Really? what for?

Forget about the inside plumbing at all. Just have porta-pottys in the parking lot and have the members clean those out.

Why not charge 50 cents or so for the sacrament? 25 cents for the bread and 25 cents for the water?

"On fast Sundays we could sell food items made by the Relief Society in their own homes and with their own ingredients after services for people who cannot get home fast enough to keep the kids quiet and content. Of course there should be nothing that needs heating or cooking in chapel kitchens." GREEN JELLO of course. Have several varieties and sell it for $1.00 per cup.

Just sell tickets to heaven. The CK goes for $5,000,000; the next one down goes for $4,000,000 and the bottom one goes for $3,000,000. If you get a second annointing, you receive a coupon for half off and a coupon code to remember.

There could be a sizable sum to get out of outer darkness like $10,000,000. THey'll make a bundle of cash fast.

When someone wants to bear their testimony, when the microphone gets to them, charge them to use it.

Put the mishies in sweatshops.

Three words.
New United Order
Al members must deposit their paycheck directly to a church account. All needs of members will be handled by the church.

I agree. Many missionaries already believe they live the law of consecration. Not a big leap now that they are conditioned to living the law of consecration every day.

Coin-operated stalls in bathrooms

Coin-operated rocker for nursing mothers

Volunteer parking attendant takes "donation" for parking (unless patron stays for ten hours)

Fine for eating in chapel

Cheerios detector at - extra charge

These fines would all be "donated" as a self-improvement tool

Payment for referring someone to mishies who is later baptized

AND SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST:

Unworthy members and Catholics may attend children's weddings if they have referred a new member, sponsored a missionary, or will volunteer two years of free service.

Anagrammy

Actually tell the members about the second annointing but make sure they know it will cost them something dear to be included in this elect group. Maybe charge several thousand dollars. They can even pay for it on the installment plan. Then charge for extra stuff like a souvenir picture of the second annointing. To encourage this new money making scheme they could offer up the Osmonds, the Huntsmans, and for a really big extra fee they could have Mittens at their second annointing ceremony. He may even give out some free investment advice after the ceremony, for a fee of course. Then tell them that in order to keep the second annointing valid there must be a yearly fee of so many thousands of dollars. It will come with a newsletter and calendar at the end of each year. Don't forget to remind them that the higher the price they are asked to pay the more they prove their worthiness. I really think this might catch on.

They could rent out the chapels for musical events. Sometimes it's hard to find a large venue.