Having been raised in the church, I always knew that Jesus provided a perfect example of how we should live and Elohim and Eloher gave a perfect example of how we should parent. So, naturally, my wife and I had lots of kids...LOTS...like 24.

I loved all of my children dearly and I wanted them to live with me forever...but they were immature, and I knew that I would have to send them away to prove themselves worthy to live with me. So, we held a special family home evening to discuss what we must do.

Two of my sons presented their ideas:

My oldest son said we should send all the kids into the wilderness with very little instruction. They would have some rules and required rites of passage presented to them, and if they were obedient they would be able to return, present the secret handshakes and code-words they had learned, and live in my home forever.

There was one problem though: All of the kids would make mistakes. Since these mistakes were inevitable, my oldest son asked to be killed. Not sure how that remedies the whole situation, but he was very convincing...it seemed like he REALLY wanted to die. The plan sounded good to me!

Son #2 couldn't believe that we were even talking about this. "Why do we even have to leave?!", he said. "If we must go, let me watch over the younger kids. I'll make sure the kids stay in line and stay safe, but I hope you would recognize my efforts and not make us worship you anymore."

"I choose the first plan!", I declared.

Son #2 called me a "douche-nozzle", whatever that means, and 7 of his siblings sided with him.

Son #1 made a wicked-awesome maze/campground in the woods behind our house, and the kids went out into the "world" to live. I rarely talked to the kids (only through tree-mail), and Eloher (my pet name for wifey) NEVER talked to them. I stopped talking to them a while ago as well...I had said to many contradictory things already, and the children were getting confused.

I let son #2 and the 7 that sided with him pester the others that were out in the wilderness...kind of like the "others" on Lost. However, I told them that when they were finished I would be locking them in our windowless basement forever for their rebellion. Was that too harsh? I mean...they were just infants and toddlers when they made the decision to side with son #2. I think I might have made a mistake, but I feel like I can't back down now...it would show my other kids that I'm not perfect and they might lose respect for me. What do I do?

As for those that chose the other plan, they already killed son #1 per the plan. I hope that wasn't a mistake. I feel like only a few of them have been obedient enough to return to live with me. For those that were "okay", I've prepared a house of sticks for them to live. For those that were rotten, I've prepared of house of straw. I don't plan on visiting them, or ever even seeing them again. This makes me terribly sad, but again, I can't back down now.

What can I do? I don't know if I even WANT to live with those that have stictly followed all my stupid rules...I mean, Tommy and Boyd can be terribly annoying at times...okay, ALL the time. But they really have their hearts set on being "douche-nozzles" just like me. How could I have let this happen?!

Eloher won't even look at me anymore, but at least I have the concubines to pass the time. Eloher hates me spending all my time with them, but how else am I supposed to populate my "world"?

Any advice would be appreciated. Is there any hope for a happy home? I'm getting the feeling that I wasn't following the perfect example after all.

One time when the missionaries stopped by for a visit, I presented them with a hypothetical scenario very similar to yours. They left my house a little confused and I told them once they became parents they would be even more confused.

The "Plan of Salvation" never made much sense to me. It made even less sense once I became a father myself.

You only have 24 kids!? Hey, man, I really sympathize with you, because I have a neighbor over on Kolob Street that must have, hell, I dunno, like 10 BILLION kids, and his poor wife (rumor is he has several live-in girlfriends, too) keeps popping 'em out. He had a similar problem with his two oldest --too bad he didn't daughters as the two oldest kids--anyway, the got into what the other neighbors said was like a war, and get this, he was the FATHER of the family, and he LET them fight! I mean, he didn't stop it, and this was supposed to a really smart guy! He built his own house and everything, but he couldn't control his own family; he just waited until it was over and then he finally kicked out son #2, who seemed like an OK guy. The worst part was that about a third of this guys kids, who just kind of sat on the fence because they didn't want to get involved in a dust up in their own family, well, he did something to them (I'm not sure how, because they're all from the same family), but...he did something to them to make them look different and treated them like crap.

The capper to this whole thing is that, from what I hear, he let some of his kids, that he'd already sent away to school...wait for it....he ALLOWED some of kids to KILL his favorite son!!

Weird family; everyone on Kolob Street is thinking of moving, because they can't seem to get the Council to do anything about him....

Well, when you put it like that!! You guys are so cleaver. I love reading things like this. It gave me a big fat smile!

I have also always had a BIG problem with the SMALL number of children who actually got the WHOLE plan of how to get back to Elohim and Eloher.

First Adam and Eve ate an apple to know it all, BUT they got booted out of what sounds like a tropical paradise and into this deserty thingey, no more contact wiht the Elo-parents or plans or anything just lots of brow sweat for food and sex for children, with the brow sex at times for sex as well!!.

FINALLY lots of generations later #1 son comes along and tells it all for a few yers of his short life before they do what he said they had to, and killed him. After a few short years most of what he said is all jumbled up and THAT is what is taught for genertions and generations.

Except of course for few people in the Americas that he visits after he dies and for a few generations all is lovely there (as well as them being nice a white! unlike their Jewish mates and ancestors), but they mess it all up again and NO ONE has the plan there either. They just rode around on their tapirs and killed each other.

Move forward to the early 1800s and a farm hand is given this grand vision (well several versions of it anyway!) and then all the plan and how-to's are back, BUT the whole thing is so incredible that despite ENORMOUS efforts to present it to the world only a MINISCULE number of the world's poulation ever know about it let alone JOIN it!!

Ummmm, you know as a plan it well ...... STANK!!! It was designed so that VERY few people ever know the whole plan, and anyway they are being badgered the whole time by the 'bad' brigade, so its all pretty useless anyway!

So my question is..... given the odds of receiving all the plan and how-to's, why don't all of us just forget about it, have a GREAT time sinning (eg drinking coffee and wearing sleeveless dresses and stuff), and let the good ones dead dunk us for later?

MUCH better plan to my mind!!

You know, I don't know why I didn't think to write all this for my Phd, it would have made an AMAZING thesis. Mind you, the markers would all have died laughing so I would never have passed and that would have been TERRIBLE!!!



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/14/2014 01:03AM by fluhist.