Hi all,

I'm a first time poster and I guess just wanted to discuss my story with other ex-mormons.

I grew up Mormon in Utah until I was 12. I then moved to Oregon and remained Mormon until 18. All my family was (and still is) Mormon.

This was a problem for me because I am both bisexual, and transgender, and simply didn't fit. I had no friends at church. My house was homophobic and transphobic and I felt isolated from everyone.

I was also very rule-minded, when the church told me I had to believe everything the prophet and Book of Mormon said, I viewed that as my duty. I was a true believer. So, I believed with all my heart that it was better to pluck out my eye than lust after someone. As a young bisexual, I lusted after plenty of people. I also believed there was no forgiveness to be had because I couldn't forsake my sin. I felt like I was dirty, if that's what god commanded, I must be uniquely bad for suffering this.

At 14, my loneliness and feelings of shame reached their peak, and I simply couldn't handle it anymore. I developed what is called "dissociative identity disorder" (AKA multiplicity) a condition of feeling like one has multiple selves. In my case, because I felt like I had no one, my brain split to give me the community I so desperately needed. They provided me with comfort and help me survive.

But when my family found out, they became emotionally abusive, calling me "crazy."

At 18, I left the church but the emotional scars stuck. Over the next decade or so, I attempted suicide more times than I could keep track of. I was unsuccessful due to lack of preplanning and choosing methods that weren't effective.

I also became promiscuous, sleeping with anyone who would have me. I was pushed into sex I didn't want to have by many men, and raped twice.

Eventually, I developed a drug addiction including the use of heroin, Ecstasy, LSD, Cocaine, and Ketamine. I used amounts that were well past the level of an effective dose. My final "trip" involved taking 33 times the typical dose of LSD. I had hours of visions of death and god, smiting me for being inferior.

I wound up in a hospital, and they let me go on the condition I seek therapy. My therapist diagnosed me with Complex Post-Traumatic stress disorder and gender dysphoria. After I had help, I was able to get clean and stop using drugs pretty quickly. After months of consideration, I decided to transition, something I had wanted to do for quite some time.

I am still in therapy for my PTSD, my condition was recently exacerbated when a man sexually harassed me and groped me on a bus. As a rape survivor, I was extremely triggered and couldn't handle it anymore so am pretty much a full-time trauma victim.

As part of my therapy, I have been engaged in an honest appraisal of the past with Mormonism and my family. When I came out as trans and bisexual, I found out that my Mom's gay cousin (another Utah Mormon) had committed suicide.

As I went through therapy, I realized my family is still raising more kids Mormon, even though we know LBGT children in our family have a propensity for suicide attempts. I tried to explain the severity of what I went through to my family and explain that I feel like how the church treats is LBGT members is emotionally abusive. I fear one of my cousins will turn out to be gay, and wind up as the next dead body.

My family has been deaf to my pleas. Two of them called me crazy again. The rest continue to assert that the church is a good religion, and support ex-communication of gay members. They say they love me though, and I don't doubt it.

I don't know what to do with them. I still love them. But after the enormity of what I have been through, I don't think I can just brush these issues under the carpet. I feel like the church is engaged in child abuse with how it raises its kids, and if I stay in contact with my family, I will just ratify their behavior.

They don't listen to me, still viewing me as "crazy."

I love them and feel guilty for wanting to leave them.

An added complication is that I am heiress to a large trust fund, managed by my Mom and Grandfather. If I disconnect completely from them, I will either have to litigate or walk away from my assets. At the least, I feel like I want to make sure that wealth isn't tithed away to more Mormons.

I really don't know how to handle the situation. They do love me, they just don't respect or listen to me, and they're engaged in the exact same behavior that killed my cousin and nearly killed me.

But at the same time...I still love them.

Any thoughts from anyone?

What do they do to show you that they love you? I don't know if it would lessen the paid that you feel from some of these interactions, but it might help if you view them as victims. If they've been brainwashed from a young age, they might not be able to get beyond their bigoted attitudes that are tied to their religious identities without counseling. I wouldn't discuss this with them as it would likely offend them in the same way they've offended you. However, it might help you to focus any negatives feelings you have on something outside of them.

Hopefully you can be an example to your other cousins and be a support to them if they are dealing with similar issues. Let them know that you love them unconditionally. Unfortunately, this could lead to more paid for you if they adopt the bigoted beliefs that they church has instilled in your other family members.

In terms of love, they often say they love me and are physically affectionate. There's typical family stuff and they are happy for my achievements career-wise. Mom attended my gay wedding. The usual birthday, Christmas presents, etc.

I think they love me, they've also just made it clear they don't accept my identity.

Yeah, I recognize they're brainwashed and that's part of what makes the whole situation tricky. I don't think they ever meant to hurt me. But lately, every interaction with them has been painful.

Part of the difficulty with the cousins is I'm not around most of that branch of the family anymore, so I can't really set an example for the cousins or have much direct influence on them. At most, I can talk through my relatives, who don't seem receptive.

Additionally, they live in Utah, and I'm loathe to set foot in Utah as a transwoman. My groping was done by a transphobic man who viewed me as a sex toy, so I'm reluctant to set foot in a state where there might be more of that sentiment. I've been violated enough and I'm genuinely scared of what would happen there. Rape victims have the tendency to be more likely to be raped again because we tend to get scared or freeze up when harassed or assaulted. So I'm not sure if I could handle Utah?

(hugs Lucy K). Just for being you.

Thanks. Very much appreciated :)

hugs from me too. I'm just glad you're still alive.

They may say and act like they love you, but they don't.
They don't make a secret that they reject who you really are.
What they love is who you ought to be if you would just knuckle under and be the little morgbot they have all made themselves become.
That's not love, it's coercion and abusive.

I know exactly how it feels to be in your shoes. Much sympathy from me!

How did you handle it when you were in this situation?

Left home completely unprepared at 18 and lived in my car for a couple years.
Keep them at arms length.
They're brainwashed. I just keep my eye out for those cousins and nieces/nephews who aren't fully under "the spell", but it's tricky when my immediate family spreads horrible lies about me.

The Cluster B disordered parent at the center of the rumor campaign used to characterise my other parent as the "bad one" to be gossiped about. If it helps the parent who is not personality disordered to tolerate their marriage, by me being the "bad one", I can handle that.
I have my own family, my spouse and my friends, I know real love now, it's not imaginary or conditional like mormons make it out to be. I hope you find someone who loves all of you for who you are, not just what you ought to be. It's something else entirely to be fully accepted, quirks and nonconformities included.

Thanks. I have an extremely loving wife and that has helped quite a bit. :)

I have no clue how you would deal with this type of problem. I know how hard it was to be a straight female in the Mormon community and I can't imagine how hard it would be to be bi and trans. I don't have to deal with the wealth i.e. family is poor. I do think you should be talking to an attorney who deals with trusts, etc.

Sometimes a clean break is good-- Protect yourself and protect your assets.

I actually happen to be a former attorney who dealt in trusts ^^.

Thank you for the sympathy. Being a straight woman in Mormonism definitely isn't fun either. I just found out what they make women say in endowment ceremonies and was nauseated.

Thanks for posting your story Lucy K. It sounds like after everything you have been through that things are looking brighter. If so, you deserve it after all of that and I admire you for hanging in. I have had conversations with TBMs who cannot see how Mormonism hurts people. Your experience is such a prime example. Thankfully you found your way to competent and caring therapy. Mormon doctrines, attitudes and culture added to troubles when they should have been of aid. As for therapy, I want to point out that it is impossible for TSCC to help in ANY case, no matter the issue, when therapy is needed. The reason is that they preach the Atonement as the cure all and therefore can only offer connection to Jesus as assistance. Our tougher issues require more than prayers or priesthood blessings. Magic doesn't do the trick. But Mormons can't offer anything else because that would put human wisdom and science above Jesus in power to heal. I admit bishops will refer some people to treatment, but too commonly to under qualified LDS services. It almost seems criminal. Let's stick with what is working for us and find something better if that's what we need. Position yourself to hang onto the inheritance. Don't let family members bully you away from that!

Thanks, yeah things are going a bit better.

Yeah, Mormons seem to hate therapy. That is a problem. I was reading an LDS publication on abuse and it's advice basically came down to "talk to your bishop about it" and "pray for the ability to forgive your abuser." I wanted to strangle someone.

Unfortunately, my sister has Complex-PTSD as well, but won't go. She's still in the the church and thinks a new life with her LDS husband will solve everything. Most unfortunate.

You are so far outside of their narrow paradigm that they have no way of really comprehending you. I think it shows some effort that your mom attended your wedding.

I hope for your sake that you will get complete control of your trust fund at some point.

You might want to consider martial arts training. I studied Aikido at one point and found it very empowering.

Thanks for the advice. Yeah, taking a martial arts class is definitely on my list of things to do, as soon as I stop feeling so terrified of men.

I just want to give you my love and a big hug, love. Your story tears at my heart. I am SO proud of you for not only surviving, but still being a functioning and wonderfully caring human being. That is AMAZING!!!! YOu have been through SO much! PLEASE continue to be you, and know that you are a loveable and wonderfully loving person.

Let your family be what they are too, ignorant and brainwashed. I must admit it is my heart, despite my anger over what happened to you, to feel sorry for them. In not seeing you as the brave and resilient person you are, and condemning you as 'crazy', they are missing out on the company of a beautiful member of their family. Please keep your inheritance intact, you have a right to that.

Thankyou for sharing your story!!

Thank you so much. You can't know how much this means to me in this moment. I really appreciate it.