The Lead up: http://thelifeandministryofraptorjesus.blogspot.com/


Last time we left off Nephi had one some free tickets on a boat ride and took his family and T-Pain on a trip.

Tonight, we are going to back up slightly and talk about some of the acid trips that Nephi had before moving on with the plot because this vision is paramount to understanding Mormonism. If you really want to know why your Mormon friends and family members are joyless automatons who are gay for god-- this vision gives some great insight.

One night after huffing some glue or some shit Nephi (and his father Lehi saw the same thing. Shared dreaming isn't just for that awesome movie Inception, it's also in scriptures. Awesome like early 90's Blossom!) has this dream where he sees a straight and narrow path, an iron rod next to the path, and mists of darkness most everywhere else. Nephi sees that the straight and narrow path leads to a big ass tree with big ass fruit. He also sees that amidst the mist there's a "great and spacious building" where a lot of people are having a kick ass party.

Now if you read your bible (and I only recommend reading it for English Lit classes. Seriously, that thing is useless other than understanding allusions.), you'll notice that Jesus often taught in parables. He taught in cutesy little stories that usually contained a "deeper" meaning. After most of his story times, the disciples would usually approach Jesus and ax, "What the fuck were you talking about, man?" Then Jesus would tell them, "Well, Aslan is me and Narnia represents a cheap imitation of Middle Earth."

Nephi didn't understand what his dream meant either, so he had to ax about it. Turns out that the straight and narrow path was the way to get back to god, and the iron rod was the scriptures and the tree was the tree of eternal life and the mists of darkness was all of the ways Satan can deceive a motherfucker and the kick ass party was a kick ass party.

In Mormon Sunday School and Seminary and countless Devotionals and Firesides, and Youth Conferences and General Conferences, etc., etc., etc., this vision is retold over and over and over again. In order to get eternal life, you have to hold onto the iron rod and walk the straight and narrow path avoiding the mists of darkness and all big buildings having fun parties. Your existence is to stroke god's rod until you get to stand in front of his mighty wood and partake of his juicy juicy fruit.

Now of course Nephi was itching to handle that rod and get the sweet eternal nectar all down his chin and chest, but he noticed that Laman and Lemuel would rather be partying like it was 1999 or whatever the equivalent would be today (some kind of reference to Katy Perry, Kei$ha, or Lady Gaga if she isn't already dead in a gutter somewhere).

This made Nephi sad, and whatever made Nephi sad is supposed to make Mormons sad. Mormons aren't supposed to party when they could be servicing god for eternity. So the next time you've got a wild celebration going and your Mormon friends are uncomfortable attending, just tell them, "I understand. You keep a tight hold of god's iron hard rod. I know he likes it that way."

raptorjesus Wrote:

Your existence is to stroke god's rod until you get to stand in front of his mighty wood and partake of his juicy juicy fruit.

Raptor, seriously.... you have summed up mormonism with that one sentence. No need to read the BOM any further than that, because all you're gonna get is a whole lot of wars and rumours of war in between.

There should really be a t-shirt with that.

As I recall partying like it's 1999 was a lot of fun. If I was going to be partaking of the acid I'd rather do it with Laman & Lemuel though. They probably got up to some downright pagan partying.

Nephi always seemed like the little nerd who kept the top button of his shirt firmly buttoned. Course that's the kind that always snap and commit all kinds of carnage.

I haven't read the BOM since seminary but I think you've pretty much nailed it in your translation so far Raptor.

"Nephi always seemed like the little nerd who kept the top button of his shirt firmly buttoned. Course that's the kind that always snap and commit all kinds of carnage."

Yeah, like choppin' ppls heads off, and lootin' and shit! ;-)

> The Lead up: http://thelifeandministryofraptorjesus.blogspot.com/

Someone needs to tell RJ's bosses he's just not busy enough. =-O

I have a little routine going right now. I get home from work. I take the dog's out for a quick run. And then I get a glass of wine (or whisky), and I write for about an hour.

"Oh hold to the rod, the iron rod, tis strong and straight and trooooo, the iron rod is the wood of god, twill safely guide you too."

And Raptor,I went to your blog and read part of it. Love it. But, you got Sydney mixed up with Martin Harris. Harris is the money dude and the translation helper. Sydney was the crazy dude. Wait. They were all crazy. Okay, Sydney was the crazy mo fo wit a congregation all primed to join--that came later.

Git yer shit straight.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/16/2011 12:52PM by onendagus.

Because I want people to get a sense of what I was TAUGHT vs. real. But that's a big oversight I'll correct.

You grab onto gawd's rod with the patriarachal grip. I always wondered what that hole in the veil was for.

It really is kind of a secret handshake when you think about it.

Pretty good stuff. I think that is how Orson Scott Card got his start, so be careful,you might make money on your paraphrase.

Your post reminds me of the book of Zelph.

The site has been offline for a while, but you can still find it here - http://web.archive.org/web/20080225134200/http://www.bookofzelph.com/start.html